Medical Matters, 21 February 2019

This week Dr Simon Harris reflects on his recent narrow escape. As a doctor I am often asked, ‘Do transplants really work?’ The answer is they certainly worked for me last week. The problem was a huge blockage had developed in my career prospects after I’d ignored the warning signs for too long. My heart… Read more »

Medical Matters, 22 March 2018

This week Dr Leo Vacuous wonders aloud about the dire affliction of shrugging. As a doctor people often ask me about the awful condition known as “shrugging” and whether it will ever be eradicated. I haven’t a clue what causes it but what happens is the victim’s shoulders go into regular upward spasm when I…er,… Read more »

Medical Matters, 3 May 2017

Dr Fintan Tool writes… As an all-round expert on women’s rights – including fertilisation, sterilisation and the whole mystical childbirth experience, I am often asked to explain the complexities of the new National Maternity Hospital saga. Of course, to clarify this highly contentious issue in simple terms that can even be understood by ordinary people,… Read more »

Medical Matters, 19 April 2017

This week Dr Alan Shatter delivers a prognosis on why some ailments drag on and on and on and on… AS A doctor people often say to me, “why does it sometimes take so long for problems to be diagnosed? Of course the answer is very simple – nobody told me about it! Take the… Read more »

Medical Matters, 5 April 2017

AS an INM spin doctor, I am often asked: “Doctor, there’s something very wrong with my company. Can you save it?” The short answer is no. This is because all the top executives suffer from a condition known as Swollen Salary Syndrome (or Corporatus Blottus Normalis, to use the proper medical term), which leads to… Read more »

Medical Matters, 12 January 2017

with Spin Doctor Simon As a spin doctor, I’m often asked: “Doctor, do you have a hospital bed for me?” The simple answer is: “No, of course not.” What happens is that the patient is at death’s door and is referred to the nearest public hospital where all the entrances are unfortunately blocked by hundreds… Read more »

Medical Matters, 3 November 2016

This week Dr Lynn Boylan (S.F.M.E.P.) gives the lowdown on the debilitating condition of spinelessness As a doctor, people often say to me: “Why is there so little backbone in Irish politics and journalism anymore and what can we do to restore it?” What happens is, the more the unfortunate cowa… er, victim bends over… Read more »

Medical Matters, 21 September 2016

THIS week young Doctor Simon Whatsisname considers the risks associated with pneumonia, which threatens up to one American political life every four years. As an important doctor people often ask me: “Doctor, how can I avoid catching pneumonia?” I always say to make sure your workplace is free of leaks, as you never know what… Read more »

Medical Matters, 7 September 2016

This week Dr Michael Noonan, (B.A.L.D.Y.) reflects on the ludicrous side of his work Being a doctor well known throughout Europe I often get some very silly people seeking my intercession. Last week, for example, a Danish woman, who was obviously unstable and suffering from delusions, said to me: “Doctor, I have just discovered a… Read more »

Medical Matters, 28 July 2016

This week Dr Phil Hogan considers the dangers of jumping too fast AS A doctor I am always very alert for incidents whereby people get their foot firmly stuck in their mouth, or Dailymailius Teeveethreenium, as it is called in the medical profession. What happens is the hapless – hahah – victim becomes delusionary, perhaps… Read more »

Medical Matters, 4 December 2015

This week, top pulmonologist Dr. Liam Doran offers advice on not breathing a word  As a very important doctor I am often asked, ‘Should I wrap up much as possible this time of year, doc?’ The answer is Yes – it’s particularly important to keep details of your salary under wraps. Otherwise you run the… Read more »

Medical Matters, 27 January 2015

[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text] Doctor Vlad writes: As a practising Health Minister, I am often asked: “What are you doing about the 600 people on trolleys in emergency units?” Well, the short answer is that there is never an easy solution to these kinds of serious medical crises, especially when there is so much pressure on the entire medical… Read more »