June 15, 2017 Craic & Codology

Geography: 1. Discuss any three disasters that have already been unearthed due to the persistent climate at the top of An Garda Síochána. 2. What planet is Danny Healy-Rae on? Maths: 1. At the present rate of depreciation how many more general elections before the Labour Party disappears forever? 2. If you received €1 for every time… Read more »

June 15, 2017 Craic & Codology

It is our view that the merger of Celtic Media with Independent News and Media could result in the following: a) Tens of thousands of households being flooded with Denis O’Brien’s view of the world. b) Re-heated “humour” columns penned by Declan Lynch or Brendan “Brennie Hill” O’Connor leading to mass depression and self-harm across… Read more »

June 15, 2017 Craic & Codology

IT HAD to happen eventually. It couldn’t go on forever. The whole of Rome and every tabloid newspaper in the world is in mourning this week at the retirement of Ms Hottie Totti from the pages of the tabloid press. Ms Hot-to-trot’s husband, Francesco Totti – a useless, over-rated stay-at-home footballer – joined her as… Read more »

June 15, 2017 Craic & Codology

ROY KEANE has lashed out at the Republic of Ireland team after no one died for the Republic of Ireland during their 1-1 draw with Austria. The assistant manager had issued a rallying call for the team to follow in injured captain’s Seamus Coleman’s footsteps and put “their bodies on the line”. “Sure we got… Read more »

June 15, 2017 Craic & Codology

RIGHT-BACK TO THE EIGHTIES: Fans of the troubled UK club have already mocked up this banner for next season in anticipation of the young Irishman’s arrival TROUBLED top-flight English club – Conservative AFC – say they are prepared to splash the cash to secure the services of Irish ace, Leo “Young Vlad” Varadkar from Fine… Read more »

June 15, 2017 Craic & Codology

FIANNA FÁIL leader Micheál Martin has condemned the decision of the DUP to allow a weak unpopular government to remain in office. The Cork South Central TD claimed there was a moral responsibility on the Democratic Unionist Party to do the decent thing and have another election. “Their deeply cynical and opportunistic behaviour to keep… Read more »

June 15, 2017 Craic & Codology

Taoiseach and Minister for Narcissism: Leo Varadkar Minister for Preening: Tom Neville Minister for Natural Smugness: Paschal Donohoe Minister for Imperial Affairs: Lord Ross Minister for Shouting: Michael Ring Minister for Oiliness: Regina Doherty Minister for Gombeen Outreach: Michael Lowry Minister for Exit: Simon Harris Minister for Protestants: Heather Humphreys Minister for Entitlement: Kate O’Connell… Read more »

June 15, 2017 Craic & Codology

IN common with other newspapers, we may in recent times have given the impression that Jeremy Corbyn was leading Labour into oblivion. Headlines such as Corbyn Singlehandedly Destroying Labour and Corbyn Couldn’t Organise Piss-Up In Brewery may have added to this impression. However, following Labour’s unexpectedly impressive showing in the election, we now realise Mr… Read more »

May 31, 2017 Craic & Codology

JAMES BLAND: Coveney pictured here at an audition following a casting call for Double 0 Zero LEO Varakar’s rival for the Fine Gael leadership, Simon “Simo” Coveney, says he has not given up his ambition to lead Fine Gael and has promised that he will capitalise on Leo Vlad’s admission that his appeal is limited… Read more »

May 31, 2017 Craic & Codology

1 Everyone in the country to be much better off 2 Particularly those who get up early in the morning 3 Special tax cuts for private sector workers who rise at dawn 4 Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens 5 Public Service shirkers to finally get their comeuppance 6 Outlaw all future strike action… Read more »

May 31, 2017 Craic & Codology

Favourite song: It’s Over, Roy Orbison Favourite film: The World’s Fastest Indian Favourite TV show: The Weak in Politics Favourite musical: A Man Of No Importance Favourite saint: St Jude Favourite proverb: Whistling Past The Graveyard Favourite drink: Tepid water Favourite bread: Stale Favourite holiday: Bland Bay, New Zealand Favourite temperature: Lukewarm

May 31, 2017 Craic & Codology

I’m one of those early risers that Leo’s talking about. It warms the heart just to know that we’re at the forefront of his mind as he bids to lead the country. I usually get up about 5.30 or 6 depending on when the street sweeper needs me to move up a bit. Sometimes it’s… Read more »

May 31, 2017 Craic & Codology

Dublin Things got off to a bad start for the Blueshirts when the new manager claimed only players who attended early morning training could expect to be rewarded with a place in his team. But he adopted a novel approach to training by encouraging his team to respond to dog whistles.       Cork… Read more »

May 31, 2017 Craic & Codology

Thank you for applying for a position with The Office of the Director of Corporate Enforcement. In order for us to process your application we require you to complete the attached form containing a few simple questions. To assist you a little we have provided clues to the answers in the adjoining column. Remember take… Read more »

May 31, 2017 Craic & Codology

★★ Leo Zeppelin: Backed by his new choir boys, the Dubliner blew his own trumpet incessantly for an entire weekend, as he repeatedly tore the arse out of his entire repertoire. Failed dismally to hit the high notes however with predictable and unimaginative renditions of Return (Water Charges) to Sender and Simple Simon Says. “Different… Read more »

May 31, 2017 Craic & Codology

by Our Financial Staff Eve Asion pg 4 – “Something needs to be done urgently” – Taoiseach pg 5 – Government order review of ODCE pg 7 – “This kind of thing can never happen again” – Everyone pg 8 – No one taking blame for Anglo shambles pg 9 – Pope Francis to remain… Read more »

May 31, 2017 Craic & Codology

ROUGH RIDE: The Limerick man’s plight has inspired a sequel to the popular work of fiction Angela’s Ashes FRIENDS and associates of a Limerick man who is “going through a rough patch” have appealed for “privacy and understanding” as they rally round to support him. The man known locally as ‘JP’ or ‘Himself’ is understood… Read more »

May 31, 2017 Craic & Codology

BONDING: Roger Moore pictured here while not meeting the author of this article LIKE countless others, I was privileged to have never met Sir Roger Moore and therefore have been given a unique insight into what he wasn’t really like. To his millions of dedicated film fans, of course, Roger was the ultimate womanizing Bond… Read more »

May 31, 2017 Craic & Codology

DONEGAL HOTELIER Brendan Rohan has praised the decision of Dublin City Council to fly the Palestinian flag over City Hall. Mr Rohan caused controversy by displaying the British Union flag outside his premises and stating that King William of Orange should be considered a hero of Irish nationalism. “Personally I am delighted an alternative flag… Read more »

May 31, 2017 Craic & Codology

Hey, amigos, Jorge here! Papal greets to the faithful flock. Beatific smiles and ultra-unassuming blessings from your supreme leader (two billion believers at the last count). Such a busy week with high-powered visits by important celeb-style world leaders – and also Ireland’s Mr Higgins. What a little live wire and no mistake! Michael was delighted… Read more »

May 31, 2017 Craic & Codology

WHAT IS IT? – A contrived team of mercenaries playing rugby BUT WILL ANY IRISH PLAYERS BE INVOLVED? – Did you seen the Pro12 semis and final? WHO ARE THEY PLAYING? – The AIG Blacks from New Zealand, rugby’s equivalent of the Dublin footballers HOW IMPORTANT IS IT, ACCORDING TO SKY SPORTS? – More important… Read more »

May 17, 2017 Craic & Codology

GOD AWFUL: God, seen here with (L-R) Methuselah and the Baby Jesus, has said he will deal with the issue of his departure in a timely fashion By Our Religious Affairs Correspondent May A. Culpa MEDIA personality and part-time politician Leo Varadkar has been accused of blasphemy. The allegation relates to an interview he gave… Read more »

May 17, 2017 Craic & Codology

WING AND A PRAYER: Barnier prayed for the soul of Theresa May, a key bargaining chip in her successful Tory leadership bid CHIEF BREXIT negotiator Michel Barnier was forced to do a decade of the rosary before addressing the Dáil, it has been revealed. The EU man spoke to TDs on Ireland’s special position regarding Britain’s… Read more »

May 17, 2017 Craic & Codology

RTÉ director-general Dee Forbes today announced her shock plan for reforming the schedules over the next decade and asked the government for another €15m to fund it. Forbes said: “While our coverage of sport and currents affairs will continue, we will be placing a much greater emphasis on cultural output,” she pledged. “Otherwise, everything will… Read more »

May 17, 2017 Craic & Codology

Titan Goliath Mouthalmighty Tigersabretooth Invincibleonious the Great Colossus God Grabsmasher Little Notorious Notorious Jnr Conotorious Conor Jnr. 3

May 17, 2017 Craic & Codology

Redwater – 9pm, RTÉ One: Brit soap opera couple Charles and Camilla travel to a sleepy Irish village to find out how the Éire are doing. Rings are kissed and arses licked in this thoroughly embarrassing outing from the grovelling natives. The Meaning of Life with Gay Byrne – 10pm, RTÉ 2: Controversial religious programme…. Read more »

May 17, 2017 Craic & Codology

By Indo Group Political Editor Craven Doyle SINN Féin leader-in-waiting Mary Lou McDonald is no doubt keen to avoid jumping the gun by talking openly about her succession to the scruffy-bearded former IRA cannibal and traffic lights crasher “Grizzly” Gerry Adams (Good start – Ed). But her succession is all part of a well-planned long-term… Read more »

May 17, 2017 Craic & Codology

HAVEN SENT: Top boffins say the disappearance of the warm front might force locals to take shelter in ramshackle operations like this one METEOROLOGISTS say a massive heavy weather front that has lingered across Haiti for over seven years is at last showing signs of evaporating. Storm Haven followed in the wake of Tycoon Denis… Read more »

May 17, 2017 Craic & Codology

TODAY your Soaraway Sun gladly doffs its chapeau to French prez-in-waiting Emmanuel “Manny” Macron for showing tout le monde that grans are grey-t! She may have more lines than a Shakespearean play but Madame Macron (98) is still quite an “Eiffel!” to the young politician whose French resistance quickly folded as soon as she marched… Read more »

May 17, 2017 Craic & Codology

Goldhawk takes a look back at some of the most memorable acts from this year’s Eurovision Song Contest. United Kingdom  – Theresa and the Tories  While this act is wildly popular in Britain, Theresa and her entourage have struggled to attract fans in Europe. Her strident tone coupled with hysterical backing singers have resulted in… Read more »

May 17, 2017 Craic & Codology

– Debty Harry – Dire Straits – EL Owe – Aiken Stevens – Banananama – Simply-in-the-Red – Stone Broke Roses – The Crash – Johnny Cashflow – Muddy Waters

May 17, 2017 Craic & Codology

by our Good News Staff  – Hayley Feelgood FOLLOWING the amazing revelation that last week’s upbeat edition sold a lot of copies, the incredible surge in optimism now seems set to continue until at least 2025. In our latest specially commissioned poll carried out in a leading newspaper office yesterday, 98% of respondents say the… Read more »

May 17, 2017 Craic & Codology

Mission Statement – ‘See No Evil’ History Headquartered in Dublin’s Phoenix Park, we are represented in every county in Ireland, working up to 24-hours per day on essential surveillance, breathalyser testing and combating gorse fires. The current Garda Commissioner is Nóirín O’Sullivan (though that could change any day now). Strategic Operations Core functions include prevention of… Read more »

May 17, 2017 Craic & Codology

RODDY COLLINS The combative League of Ireland veteran specialises in saving sinking ships so this may be right up his street. Showdowns with Vincent Browne would be compelling. Odds: 10/1 PEP GUARDIOLA Has spent past 12 months overseeing a bunch of overpaid, under-achieving primadonnas. A good fit. Odds: 5/1 ARSENE WENGER Considered a bit of… Read more »

May 17, 2017 Craic & Codology

By our rugby correspondent Tony ‘Emergency’ Ward IT’s THE move they are all talking about. That awful pass by right-winger Varadkar to youth team call-up Harris in that top-of-the-operating-table clash played at Bedsyde Manor last week. The hospital pass, as it is known, put Harris in the unenviable position of being instantly double tackled and… Read more »

May 17, 2017 Craic & Codology

ONE IS not a betting man, but were one to be so, then one could do a lot worse than place a few florins on Kilkenny for this year’s hockey hurling championship! One was struck by the confidence of King Brian when visiting the Cats’ camp! By Jove they will take some beating this year!… Read more »