October 19, 2017 Craic & Codology

by Fintan Tool The bizarre fatwa pronounced by Denis O’Brien’s Communicorp group against Irish Times journalists appearing on its radio stations is both empirically and ontologically retrogressive. This flagrantly outrageous ban represents a fundamental attack on one of Ireland’s most revered and distinguished institutions, i.e. myself. It’s hard to believe that just a month ago… Read more »

October 19, 2017 Craic & Codology

• Salon Confidential, RTÉ 2 — 9pm: This fascinating reality series looks at the relationship between TDs and their hairdressers. Starring Mick Wallace, Kate O’Connell and John Halligan’s moustache. • Peaky Blinders, BBC 1 — 10pm: The hit gang drama is back! When a rival kingpin bans Blinders from his radio stations, plucky hero Fintan… Read more »

October 19, 2017 Craic & Codology

The following motions were passed at the Fianna Fáil Ard Fheis last weekend: Bertie Ahern to be invited to attend the 2078 Ard Fheis Insist Micheál Martin’s leadership is safe whatever happens after next election Reaffirm Fianna Fáil’s commitment to united Ireland (just not yet) Independent Alliance should be ashamed of themselves for keeping the… Read more »

October 19, 2017 Craic & Codology

It can strike at any time: One minute you’re cruising along and the next the photographer cancels!! Learn to manage it: A good agent is crucial to rearranging the appointment. Don’t let it become panic: Distract yourself. There is so much to do in New York if you book a flight quickly Talk to someone:… Read more »

October 19, 2017 Craic & Codology

RYANAIR CEO Michael O’Leary has confirmed that the company is in discussions with Google about ‘pilotless’ planes. Google has already done pioneering work in the field, developing its ‘driverless’ car model called WAYGO. It is understood that the Ryanair pilotless aircraft will be branded as WAYTOGO. “Well, it has some way to go yet before… Read more »

October 19, 2017 Craic & Codology

Exclusive extract from Life Is A Funny Business, available in bargain bins everywhere now! I have always admired Enda Kenny, ever since he promoted me to high office as Minister for Defence and Minister for Justice in 2011 – I know, two whole senior ministerial positions. Of course, the Taoiseach’s decision only confirmed the esteem… Read more »

October 19, 2017 Craic & Codology

AS PART OF Fáilte Ireland’s campaign to boost the midlands as a holiday destination, the following areas have been earmarked as ideal for short breaks away during the Halloween bank holiday.  Ghost Estate,  Longford  Designed and implemented by the last Fianna Fáil government, these haunting sights are very prevalent throughout the midlands. The genuinely spooky reminders of… Read more »

October 19, 2017 Craic & Codology

No interview with Tony O’Donoghue will last longer than 20 seconds Media won’t mention the fact that we threw away automatic qualification If Martin says Wes Hoolahan is tired, then he really is tired Emphasise Roy Keane is a invaluable member of the management team Congratulate Martin on the season ticket sales Pray James McClean… Read more »

October 19, 2017 Craic & Codology

In common with most, if not all, other publications, in recent times we may have given the impression that we lacked confidence in the ability of Republic of Ireland manager Martin O’Neill to steer the squad to the World Cup playoffs. Headlines such as ‘Worse MONager Ever”, ‘What a Load of Mon-ure’ and ‘Boot This… Read more »

October 19, 2017 Craic & Codology

Favourite film: U-turn Favourite song: Coward Of The County Favourite musical: The King and I Favourite book: No Country For Old Men Favourite water: Bottled Favourite comedian: Karl Spain Favourite band: Status Quo Favourite exercise: Climb down Favourite food: Humble pie Favourite hobby: Caving

October 19, 2017 Craic & Codology

IRELAND is bracing itself for five days of torrential rain in May 2018. It is unusual for weather forecasters to be able to tell how much rain will fall at such an advanced date but the news that the Irish cricket team is to host Pakistan in their first Test match has emboldened Met Éireann… Read more »

October 5, 2017 Craic & Codology

Shane Ross reacts to criticism By Phil Space EYEBROWS WERE raised in the Dáil yesterday when Minister for Strokes, Shane Ross, announced a series of new initiatives. The first unexpected announcement was the green light for a third terminal at Dublin Airport. Minister Ross has now confirmed that the public-private venture will go ahead at… Read more »

October 5, 2017 Craic & Codology

Elderly and institutionalised: RTÉ presenters Squeezed middle: People who use toothpaste in the morning Those left behind: Ryanair passengers Recently made redundant elderly male: Kevin Myers Struggling ex-pats returning home: Ireland football team Over-50s musician on time-limited contract with God: Bono (Also see Budget 2018 The Netherlands) Minority group facing oblivion: Labour Party

October 5, 2017 Craic & Codology

by Our Obituary Staff – Bunny Ghoul MIDDLE-AGED men around the world were in a state of shock today following the sad news that Hugh Hefner, America’s uncrowned ‘King of Sex’ has passed away at the age of 69 (surely 91? – Ed). The self-styled godfather of the sexual revolution is reported to have died… Read more »

October 5, 2017 Craic & Codology

One highly distinguished Sunday newspaper, The Last Post, (established 1989) currently owned by Sunset Media. Reluctant sale due to unexpected lack of big profits. Would ideally suit billionaire buyer who has experience of costly media interests. Newspaper comes complete with: Small but select circulation; Assorted photographs of Ian Kehoe with other celebrities; Selection of unused… Read more »

October 5, 2017 Craic & Codology

Favourite TV show: The Price Is Right Favourite film: A Fistful of Dollars Favourite song: Take the Money and Run Favourite animal: Fat cat Favourite food: Bread Favourite character: Gordon Gekko Favourite book: My Post Office savings book Favourite tennis player: Pat Cash Favourite colour: Gold

October 5, 2017 Craic & Codology

Mr Mercedes RTÉ 2, 7:00PM — Documentary about Fine Gael TD Noel Rock as he attempts to get his hands on a ministerial car. Contains scenes some viewers may find cringeworthy. Embarrassing Nobodies TV3, 8:00PM — Medical series. Dr Pixie McKenna meets Ivan and Matt who have being suffering from chronic smugness since childhood. Nowhere… Read more »

October 5, 2017 Craic & Codology

THOUSANDS of commuters face being late for their cancelled Ryanair flights after the dispute between Irish Rail unions and management escalated last night. As the threat of strike action grows, there are fears that passengers will be left stranded at rail stations unable to get to the city to hail a taxi that would bring… Read more »

October 5, 2017 Craic & Codology

By Phil Boots FORMER Taoiseach Bertie Ahern says he is “willing and able” to assist Kerry football legend Colm ‘The Gooch’ Cooper with his testimonial dinner this month. The ex-Fianna Fáil leader said, “I actually participated in several fundraising events of that kind back in the day so I have great experience. It’s not as… Read more »

October 5, 2017 Craic & Codology

GEORGE HOOK has condemned Saudi Arabia’s decision to allow women drive cars. The veteran broadcaster claimed male motorists would need to exercise extreme caution on the roads. “The problem with putting women behind the wheel is that they are always giving mixed signals and they don’t understand the concept of a green light. We need… Read more »

October 5, 2017 Craic & Codology

By Phil Antrophy THE GOVERNMENT was coming under increasing pressure last night to declare September 26th ‘National Mary Mitchell O’Connor Day’. The calls follow the announcement by the ‘Super Junior’ Minister of State for Altruistic Endeavour (Surely Higher Education – Ed) that she was “happy to forego” a U16,000 salary hike to which she was… Read more »

October 5, 2017 Craic & Codology

THERE was widespread apathy throughout Ireland last night after the Taoiseach announced a timeline for several new referendums over the next two years. As almost nobody at all took to the streets to welcome the news, one angry Dubliner summed up the mood of the nation. “It’s just typical,” said Mike Madeupname. “You wait ages… Read more »

October 5, 2017 Craic & Codology

RTÉ’s Michael Corcoran (for it is he): “…Welcome to Twickenham where Ireland is taking on the combined might of France and South Africa in an all-out bid to host the 2023 World Cup. And already, the opposition have grabbed the game by the scruff of the teeth, thanks to the legendary 33-stone Jacob Zuma, who… Read more »

October 5, 2017 Craic & Codology

THE TAOISEACH has defended controversial remarks he made about Sinn Féin’s Mary Lou McDonald. Varadkar was accused of sexism when he claimed Mary Lou was being “very cranky” following a heated exchange. But while speaking outside Leinster House, the Fine Gael leader denied he is patronising towards women. “I think anyone who witnessed the incident… Read more »

October 5, 2017 Craic & Codology

Waiting for Pilots Reworking of the classic Beckett play about two men waiting for a plane that never arrives. Starring Michael O’Leary as Vladimir and Shane Ross as Lucky. All times are approximate. Much Ado About Nothing The story of Paschal, a bright-eyed and bushy-tailed Blueshirt who has to give a meaningless budget speech to… Read more »

October 5, 2017 Craic & Codology

According to coach Leo Cullen, “Leinster can only control the controllables.” After their recent trip to South Africa, he has identified some issues to be addressed. Brush up on international Visa requirements Research a team call ‘The Cheetahs’ Bring up this whole playing against South Africa teams with Pro14 bosses

October 5, 2017 Craic & Codology

by Ross O’Carroll-Kelly Exclusive extract from Keep ‘Em Coming, the hilarious new book by Ireland’s multi-award-winning journalist. You don’t always have to be a top-notch sell-out author, playwright and all-round genius type comedy writer to be on the receiving end of so much attention in the soaraway Irish Times, but that’s exactly what I actually… Read more »

September 21, 2017 Craic & Codology

RANK AND SINGLE FILE: Plain clothes gardai pictured here at a popular Dublin nightspot after being forced by senior management to ‘police outdoors’ By Policing Correspondent, Jack Boot IN A SHOCKING new twist to the crises in An Garda, it is claimed that hundreds of rank and file members were “forced to police outdoors” because… Read more »

September 21, 2017 Craic & Codology

FIANNA FÁIL leader Micheál Martin has confirmed at his party’s annual think-in that one of their elected politicians was the victim of an elaborate “honeytrap” scheme in which he was forced to expose his real intentions. Martin said that the politician in question and his party had been in a stable but boring relationship with… Read more »

September 21, 2017 Craic & Codology

This apology is intended as a deep expression of remorse for any hurt that my unconsidered comments may have caused to the victims of rape, their families or anyone else affected by my unfortunate error of judgement for which I am truly sorry. The producers of High Ruin and Newstalk management deeply regret that yesterday’s… Read more »

September 21, 2017 Craic & Codology

By Fintan Tool What I have to say is of no consequence – regardless of my prominence as the leading intellectual voice of the post-modern generation and the pioneering advocate of Irish Times radicalism – in publicly denouncing the disgraceful rape comments perpetrated by George Hook. It is incumbent on me to decry Hook’s reprehensible… Read more »

September 21, 2017 Craic & Codology

This Week: ‘HOOK’ Something hard and thick, curved or bent back at an angle, typically barbed and baited for catching hold of things. “George was always deliberately outragous in order to hook listeners”. Used also for hanging things on (a ‘tough guy’ reputation, perhaps? Ed) Sling your hook – A polite way of telling someone… Read more »

September 21, 2017 Craic & Codology

Michael O’Neill: The Northern Ireland gaffer has shown he can organise a squad of journeymen and no-hopers to perform to the highest international standards. Comfortable with whistle blowers and certain to eliminate the habit of own goals, has experience with the breathalyser system. Chances: Probably blown it. Davy Russell: The former champion jockey would soon… Read more »

September 21, 2017 Craic & Codology

Due to recent developments a vacancy has arisen for a senior management position in An Garda Síochána. Generous remuneration includes substantial retirement package and free parking on any footpath in the country. The successful candidate will: i) Have a strong and detailed understanding of primal work practices and ancient rituals ii) Be in (legal) possession… Read more »