July 27, 2017 Craic & Codology

by Our Crime Staff Hugh Cares THEY’RE calling it the trial of the century. And no wonder! The sickening story of how Irish-born Jason Corbett was bludgeoned to death has taken America by storm.THEY’RE calling it the trial of the century. And no wonder! The sickening story of how Irish-born Jason Corbett was bludgeoned to… Read more »

July 13, 2017 Craic & Codology

‘ORGIES OF SELF-CONGRATULATION’: One scientist said last week’s marathon media love-in with Varadkar and Trudeau preceded the latest epidemic by Con Dumb THERE is a serious risk of a totally untreatable form of political gonorrhoea causing havoc in Ireland, the World Health Organisation have told shocked reporters. The Jobstown and Máire Whelan controversies are symptomatic… Read more »

July 13, 2017 Craic & Codology

Government ‘draws a line’ under the matter Garda filmed handcuffing 98-year-old woman to a skip Paul Murphy is sentenced to death Vincent Browne postpones retirement Bin charge scheme ‘suspended’ pending ‘review’ Labour Party issues a statement.

July 13, 2017 Craic & Codology

Her sad frown and wide-eyed expression speak volumes about her troubled life. Joan (her real name) has faced the most horrendous dangers in recent times. In particular, the former Tánaiste has spoken courageously of her “absolute horror” after foul-mouthed protesters surged towards her at a public event in Tallaght in 2014. Sitting quietly in the… Read more »

July 13, 2017 Craic & Codology

*All Orange Lodge-ments please note The Cash My Father Wore Derry’s Hole-in-the-Walls Rise Funds of William The Ballad of Lyndsey Money Orange Gathering (Dosh) Song The Orange Money Tree

July 13, 2017 Craic & Codology

This week Dr Meehole Martin warns against the dangers of opening one’s mouth without checking with getting the proper advice first. AS A doctor I am very alarmed by recent reports of verbal diarrhoea, or Leosloosetongue as its medically known. What seems to have happened is that some young upstart decided to start mouthing off… Read more »

July 13, 2017 Craic & Codology

A steamy new extract from the erotic works of Josepha Madigan TD In a world where the naked flouting of decent behaviour is seemingly the norm, she thought she had seen everything. Certainly she was no prude. But this time Murphy had gone way, way too far. Her eyes scanned the social media content. Footage… Read more »

July 13, 2017 Craic & Codology

Juno and the Payroll The Importance of Being Solvent Long Day’s Journey into Nama Hamletting Pygmillions Oedipoint Village Rex A Man for All Seizures The Merchant of Vicar Street An Asset Inspector Calls

July 13, 2017 Craic & Codology

Jeff Hendrick  The attacking midfielder has promised to drag viewers out of their comfort zones and put “touchy feely” politicians on trial. Arlene Foster  The bad-tempered diva has recommended DUP leader Arlene Foster become his successor. Foster has vowed to make panellists feel the heat. Simon Coveney  This political high-flyer is understood to have had… Read more »

July 13, 2017 Craic & Codology

So farewell, Vincent Browne My gran is distraught She loved your every frown But thought That watching you “in search of truth” While shaping for a fight Was better with the sound on mute Than listening to your shite

July 13, 2017 Craic & Codology

• Love Island: ITV2, 8pm – Reality dating series. Political show-boaters trapped on a desert island vie for the media’s attention, parading around in novelty socks, pretending to play hurling and jogging. Sickly sweet. • Tonight with Vincent Browne: TV3, 10.30pm – Iconic news show. Matt Cooper (or possibly Mick Clifford or that other chap)… Read more »

July 13, 2017 Craic & Codology

HAIR TODAY…: The developer has strenously denied the design of the building (pictured) had anything to do with his ego or famously inflated sense self-importance by E Go CHEERS of celebration erupted across Dublin last night as news spread that the city council had refused planning for a 22-storey skyscraper near the city’s historic core…. Read more »

July 13, 2017 Craic & Codology

WIMBLEDON has been thrown into chaos following the announcement that men’s doubles stars Shane Ross and Eamon Dunphy have split up. The shocking news has devastated the tennis community which had hoped the pair would continue to play out their well-rehearsed routine throughout July. The duo reached breaking point when Ross became obsessed with how… Read more »

July 13, 2017 Craic & Codology

FOLLOWING their successful missile tests, North Korean scientists have revealed some other cutting-edge programmes they’ve been working on, including: VHS recorder Paraffin oil lamps Ulster Scots dictionary Fidget Spinners The new U2 album Next guest on Saturday Night with Miriam Poolbeg incinerator Jobstown garda note taker Artistic director of Harry Crosbie street theatre Pay by… Read more »

June 29, 2017 Craic & Codology

QUIT THE DAY JOB: The actor is adjusting to civilian life but was visibly frustrated yesterday after being forced to queue at his local supermarket By Hollie Wood AUDIENCES have given a major thumbs-down to three-time Oscar winner Daniel Day-Lewis following his latest performance as a non-actor. The Wicklow man made his debut in the… Read more »

June 29, 2017 Craic & Codology

EXAM students all over Ireland are demanding that they be automatically allowed to repeat examinations they have done badly in, using the original exam paper so they have a fair opportunity to achieve higher points. Said one student: “My eighth subject was, loike, Jopanese. “I will, loike, dafinitely need to repeat. I never even completed… Read more »

June 29, 2017 Craic & Codology

As part of our coverage of the 2017 Confederations Cup in Russia, Goldhawk profiles some of the managers at this year’s tournament. Cameroon  – Shane de Rossi This flamboyant right- winger terrorised opponents down the years with his relentless attacks. However, he has found the transition from player to manager very difficult and stands accused… Read more »

June 29, 2017 Craic & Codology

Fast Spin: Limousine trip on the motorway Full Cycle: Everyone gets to go on holiday eventually before we start again Hot ‘n’ Cold: Brazil first and then a weekend in Iceland Tub: Large container of ice cream towards the end of the banquet Powder: Gift for herself’s nose at Christmas Tumble: When the jewels fall… Read more »

June 29, 2017 Craic & Codology

Whitewash – What New Zealand cross often. Also end of series result Pride – What they’ll pretend they’re playing for after this Saturday’s defeat Dirt-trackers – The team that doesn’t face two more thrashings by NZ All Black – The team’s outlook on winning a Test

June 29, 2017 Craic & Codology

Favourite song: Taxman, The Beatles Favourite player: Tommy Coyne Favourite signing: Quinton Fortune Favourite midfielder: Matty Cash Favourite genre: Cooking Books Favourite character: Artful Dodger Favourite analyst: Garth Crooks Favourite musician: Muddy Waters Favourite destination: Moneypoint

June 29, 2017 Craic & Codology

ROYALIST BLUE: These marchers have been described as triumphalist, supremacist and detached from reality AS MARCHING season begins in earnest, the rest of the country’s GAA football teams have been told to be extra careful around Dublin. The Boys in Blue are marching to another All-Ireland final determined to walk in a straight line the… Read more »

June 29, 2017 Craic & Codology

‘LOVELY PEOPLE’: Mr Public was delighted to see smiles on the faces of top banking executives and investors after years of doom and gloom A KIND-HEARTED Irishman who heroically saved an entire organisation from collapse, says that he is “absolutely thrilled” to learn that the wealthy investors are poised to become very rich thanks to… Read more »

June 29, 2017 Craic & Codology

By Tintan O’Foole THERE are no prizes for winning prizes. Nor should there be; for winning is all about losing. This irrefutable fact became irrefutably factual to me in the most irrefutable manner on receiving the coveted Orwell Prize which I recently irrefutably won. It was a proud moment in the fleeting fleetness of that… Read more »

June 29, 2017 Craic & Codology

Riviera — 8PM, Sky Atlantic: The over-the-top lifestyles of the rich and famous are essayed in this lush drama. Watch as overpaid prima donnas scrap for creative control and moan about each other to the Sunday papers. Puffed up. Secondhand Lions — 9AM, Sky Sports: Disaster film. With egos inflated by months of press coverage,… Read more »

June 29, 2017 Craic & Codology

A drama starring Amy Huberman Ring the BBC and ITV about any original stuff they’re flogging A comedy starring Amy Huberman Something with Pat Shortt in it A documentary presented by Amy Huberman Spruce up the Angelus again More make-up for the weather girls Give Johnny Logan another bash at the Eurovision Tubridy’s dream project:… Read more »

June 29, 2017 Craic & Codology

“I’m against it. I was once accused of being in a relationship with a bunch of gardaí and a female judge.” Shane Ross           “I’m all for it. The Labour Party supports getting into bed with all and sundry, regardless of political affiliation, beliefs or scruples.” Brendan Howlin      … Read more »

June 29, 2017 Craic & Codology

An occasional service to Phoenix readers explaining the meaning of certain words that have suddenly become newsworthy. This Week – DUP Origin. contraction of Do + up. To Do Up, to repair, to improve, to present oneself well. Eg “The party’s HQ is in a good location but it needs doing up a bit; say £2bn worth of… Read more »

June 29, 2017 Craic & Codology

1. Spontaneous spells of hot air causing mild discomfort but soon passing to most likely return periodically. 2. Remaining static up North with a slowly departing front in the South giving way to frost and ice. 3. A seemingly never ending shower that somehow continues to get worse. 4. Unruly, unpredictable movements coming in from… Read more »

June 29, 2017 Craic & Codology

Salutamus Dr Sir Lord Bobbus Geldofus, amicus Bonodius apud raggedi hairi scraggias ratstailium et foulus gobbus et multi millionarium quod askius givusius yerfuckin moneyum et neveri shuttupi et singerius uselessius apud Boomtownium boringfartsium et looni oanboatus Thamesium apud Nigelius Faragius et nexius desirus spacium tripius apud beardi Bransoni Virgini Galacti hopefullium onewayum! BOD AND AMY’S… Read more »

June 15, 2017 Craic & Codology

The Conservative and Unionist Negotiating Teams (CUNTs) have revealed the terms and conditions of their minority government deal All Trident submarines to be powered with woodchip boilers Acknowledge climate change is man-made but that the gays are responsible A permanent ban on papal visits A royal pardon for Arlene (just in case) No mention of… Read more »

June 15, 2017 Craic & Codology

OFF THE REICH: Exclusive leaked pics from the extremist model’s new autumn clothing line CALLS were growing across Ireland and Europe last night for a reality TV activist with extremist views to be interned in the Saturday fashion supplements indefinitely. The demands come amid fears that comments made by controversial Z-lister Vogu Ew-illIams were an… Read more »

June 15, 2017 Craic & Codology

Mikill Oleerji Head of the much-feared Ryanair sect, has issued fatwas against both DAA and EU legislators. Regularly delivers chilling communiques promising further punishment for Ryanair customers. Lee Ovaradkjar Pictured here during his training. Dispatched rivals in a cutthroat leadership election, now firmly in control of the notorious Fine Gael faction. Preaches zero-tolerance approach towards… Read more »

June 15, 2017 Craic & Codology

(with apologies to Glen Campbell) I am a linesman in Carlow county, But Down is my home. And if Diarmuid Connolly wants to attack me, Let him come. The Dubs need him more than want him. Now they won’t have him for some time. My name’s Ciaran Brannigan And I still run the line. Doodle,… Read more »

June 15, 2017 Craic & Codology

Geography: 1. Discuss any three disasters that have already been unearthed due to the persistent climate at the top of An Garda Síochána. 2. What planet is Danny Healy-Rae on? Maths: 1. At the present rate of depreciation how many more general elections before the Labour Party disappears forever? 2. If you received €1 for every time… Read more »

June 15, 2017 Craic & Codology

It is our view that the merger of Celtic Media with Independent News and Media could result in the following: a) Tens of thousands of households being flooded with Denis O’Brien’s view of the world. b) Re-heated “humour” columns penned by Declan Lynch or Brendan “Brennie Hill” O’Connor leading to mass depression and self-harm across… Read more »