August 25, 2017 Craic & Codology

Growing faith in Murphy’s beard By Patty O’Doors HOUSING Minister Eoghan Murphy’s efforts to solve Ireland’s spiralling housing problems were boosted yesterday as a new poll revealed that nine out of 10 respondents believe his beard is “doing a good job”. “The facial hair is putting in a great effort. It’s making him look more… Read more »

August 25, 2017 Craic & Codology

That RTÉ Autumn Schedule in full By our entertainment correspondent – Abe Solutcrap In anticipation of being denied an increase in the licence fee, RTÉ has announced an autumn schedule that is guaranteed to generate public reaction at the quality of the programming. Francis Brennan’s Grand Camping Tour Lots of cameo performances from a supporting… Read more »

August 25, 2017 Craic & Codology

Donald Trump’s Favourites Favourite song: Nights in White Satin, The Moody Blues  Favourite film: The Triumph of the Will Favourite TV show: The Dukes of Hazzard  Favourite sport: Master race Favourite poem: The White Man’s Burden  Favourite food: Crackers  Favourite latte/wife: White and skinny Favourite insect: Wasp  Favourite holiday: Vichy  Favourite animal: Desert Fox

August 25, 2017 Craic & Codology

Presidential Race Hots Up Who are they – the 2018 Áras front-runners? Arlene Foster The DUP leader has been reaching out over recent months – particularly to receive £1 billion in cash from the British PM – and she may now be interested in extending her considerable influence throughout the whole of Ireland. Kim Jong-un Although North… Read more »

August 25, 2017 Craic & Codology

Nóirín O’Sullivan’s Europol Application Operational expertise My careful handling of the whistleblower fiasco was a total success. Every possible precaution was taken to ensure that not only was justice done, but there was plenty of waffle so that it was seen to be done. Such an appropriate strategy surely qualifies me for a very senior… Read more »

August 25, 2017 Craic & Codology

Those Rose of Tralee Contestants Regina (Prickly Rose) Regina has lots of thorny sides but isn’t really a rose so much as a wallflower, being very, very shy when there even a scent of someone digging up the dirt from the past. “Mention one word about not coming up smelling of roses and I’ll call… Read more »

August 25, 2017 Craic & Codology

Staying On (A new poem) When first I took the job in hand I whispered to Sabina Seven years only, have I planned For this Phoenix Park arena But bad things happen like a curse – Like Hickey and Shane Ross And Trump and Brexit… but there’s worse Th ere’s Bertie as the boss! He… Read more »

August 25, 2017 Craic & Codology

Brits want Coveney left as he is By Con Jugal BREXIT negotiations hit a new stumbling block last night as the British and Irish governments differed wildly on what kind of Simon Coveney should exist. Said one British government official, “Frankly, a hard Simon Coveney is a ludicrous concept, old boy. It’s delusional. Simon Coveney… Read more »

August 24, 2017 Craic & Codology

BAD HOMBRES: McGregor has denied that he is in line for a promotion to Trump’s cabinet if he manages to see off Mayweather this weekend By Con Jugal DONALD TRUMP has come under fire for failing to condemn both sides of the Mayweather-McGregor fight equally. In stark contrast to last week’s statements about the Charlottesville… Read more »

August 10, 2017 Craic & Codology

PULLING OUT: Leo is keen to avoid the fate of his buddy Macron who has pulled out of many of his election promises and suffered in the polls By Con Jugal MOST TDs are now using the political withdrawal method to protect their own backsides, according to a shocking new report. Survey findings show most… Read more »

August 10, 2017 Craic & Codology

This Week – ‘Bray’ 1. (Noun) The largest town in Co Wicklow 2. (Verb) To utter a loud, harsh sound like a donkey or mule. “the chairman brayed insanely” ‘Wanderer’ 1. (Noun) Person who travels aimlessly without any direction or purpose 2. (Verb – to wander) To think or speak incoherently or illogically

August 10, 2017 Craic & Codology

Spare a thought for poor Kevin (his real name). This arch contrarian suddenly disappeared from the pages of an English-owned Sunday newspaper some weeks ago following a disagreement with his employer. A search of several newspapers and a handful of well-known comics such as the Daily Mail and Sunday Telegraph have failed to unearth any… Read more »

August 10, 2017 Craic & Codology

I unwaveringly support demands for equality. But we must first ascertain that these “high achieving” women are “clean”. How many have pinprick marks on the skin above a main artery? – Paul Kimmage         Fair enough but ’tish a proven fact dat God gave min stronger arms than wimmin for tarrin’ roads… Read more »

August 10, 2017 Craic & Codology

The row over anti-semitic stereotypes sums up dysfunctional hack FAR BE it from me to defend that opinionated know-all Kevin Myers for whom I have always felt nothing but unreserved contempt. The reason for this is so simple that even the stupidest individual can understand it. All through his tedious career, he has courted controversy… Read more »

August 10, 2017 Craic & Codology

By our (social) security correspondent Hu Giv Phuk A NORTH Korean intercontinental ballistic missile believed to have been targeting the Carlisle Grounds, home of Bray Wanderers FC, narrowly missed Bray fans (Darren and Sharren O’Looney) yesterday, eventually landing thousands of miles away in Japanese waters. North Korean Offence Minister Up Wik Lo promised that such… Read more »

August 10, 2017 Craic & Codology

Salutamus Brianus Cowensis, populariter appelatus “Bifficus” famosissimum premierus Hibernia tragicus pro calamati downturnicus, amicus Seani Fitzpatrickus apud neckus brassus commoni per multos annos inspiration militeri destinis et semper pissporum nonmemorabilis performensis, exempli gratia “Mourningus Irelandis” quod fatigus et emotionimius in extremis, etiam expertissimus in voodoo economicus et grovellarius obsequio nauseaticum dives hominus bastardi, ergo Fiannus… Read more »

August 10, 2017 Craic & Codology

THE NATIONAL LOTTERY have confirmed they are in negotiations with Theresa May to become a brand ambassador for the organisation. The Lotto is celebrating its 30th anniversary this month and as part of a campaign they have lined up numerous celebrities to highlight the negative consequences of betting. A spokeswoman for the Lotto said May… Read more »

August 10, 2017 Craic & Codology

EVERYBODY MUST GO (ON HOLIDAY) DIVISION BELLS (Hurry while stocks last) COMMITTEE CHAIRS Half price. Available in very flat PAC WOODEN BACK BENCHERS (Slightly soiled at prospect of losing seat) WHISTLE BLOWERS (Buy one and save your breath) CLOWN COMHAIRLES (Now in our toy dept) TEA SHOCK SOCKS (all the rage) INFLATABLE EGOS incl Smarmy… Read more »

August 10, 2017 Craic & Codology

PEAK BREXIT: The Mourne incident comes after a similar debacle in Britain in which members of the Conservative Party (pictured) tried to climb over each other during an expedition MOUNTAINEERING experts have urged the public to exercise caution while climbing this summer. The plea came following an incident in the Mourne Mountains in which a… Read more »

August 10, 2017 Craic & Codology

It’s another busy day at the Eoin O’Duffy Memorial Infirmary, aka Blueshirt General. Hospital master Leo Varadkar makes his first visit to patients in the semi-autonomous north-eastern wing (established 1690), in the company of local ward sister, Arlene Foster. Varadkar: Some rough looking cases here, sister. (He notices a fat, red-faced man limp past on… Read more »

August 10, 2017 Craic & Codology

FIFA has confirmed that the following players have been released from their clubs ahead of the new season: Kevin Myers – West Ham The Gentile giant thrilled fans with his frenetic attacks along the right-wing and he has never shied away from tackling Johnny Foreigner. However, his unwise comments on the salaries of BBC’s female… Read more »

August 10, 2017 Craic & Codology

Favourite song: Take This Job and Shove It, Johnny Paycheck Favourite film: Under Siege Favourite TV show: Jim’ll Fix It Favourite food: Hot Potato Favourite actor: Tyrone Power Favourite band: Fight Like Apes Favourite book: The Little Book of Quitting Favourite toy: Trolls Favourite colour: Marooned Favourite organisation: Anonymous

August 10, 2017 Craic & Codology

by Our Sports Staff Phil Boots SHOCKING news emerged yesterday when it was revealed that a highly-paid professional footballer has moved to another club for a record transfer fee. On other pages • Bears moving into woods to defecate • Pope Francis has no plans to leave the Vatican • Beach pics of footballer’s stunning… Read more »

August 10, 2017 Craic & Codology

HURLING ABUSE: Young men (pictured) will take to Twitter over the coming weeks to make their voices heard THOUSANDS of hurling fans are eagerly anticipating the start of the Premier League as the annual crossover period – where the two sports collide in the calendar – begins. With the “best league in the world” set… Read more »

August 10, 2017 Craic & Codology

Eden: Paradise Lost — Ch4, 9PM: Documentary about a failed reality series. A group of contestants stranded in the Talbot Street wilds turn on each other as factionalism, egotism and a visit from the director of corporate enforcement tears the INM AGM apart. Savage. Icarus — Netflix Ireland: Donald Trump originally set out to establish… Read more »

August 10, 2017 Craic & Codology

ENVIRONMENTAL campaigners are up in arms over the amount of waste being dumped in the Sunday Independent. The alarming case has seen large amounts of rubbish being dumped in the news and op-ed pages, with the pollution rapidly spreading to the lifestyle section. “You have to wade through it,” said one outraged environmentalist. “On any… Read more »

July 27, 2017 Craic & Codology

SURREAL: This independent TD had a mixed reaction when told he was going to be recalled AMID growing concerns about Brexit and the future of Garda Commissioner Nóirín O’Sullivan, there have been renewed calls for Dáil Éireann to be exhumed next week. The Oireachtas has been in recess since July 14 and business is not… Read more »

July 27, 2017 Craic & Codology

SENSE OF JUSTICE: Simpson pictured here going up for a high ball in Croker before his arrest OJ SIMPSON is to seek a role on one of the GAA’s disciplinary bodies after recently being granted parole in Nevada for armed robbery. “I feel like I embody the GAA’s sense of justice,” said Simpson, now a… Read more »

July 27, 2017 Craic & Codology

• Game of Thrones n Game of Thrones – 9pm; Sky Atlantic: The hit fantasy show returns for a seventh season. After narrowly being crowned Queen in the North, Arlene Foster’s kingdom grinds to a halt over her opposition to a Dothraki language act. Brutal. • The Sunday Game Live – 3pm; RTÉ 1: Screwball comedy. Which high profile coach… Read more »

July 27, 2017 Craic & Codology

■ Retract that statement now, sir! ■ Send more flowers to the ODCE ■ It’s all your fault, you smug-faced prick! ■ Send Dinny our phone records, address books and kids’ nursery contacts as requested ■ What about a raffle to offload Newstalk? ■ Cancel the Christmas cards to those pensioners shouting outside the front… Read more »

July 27, 2017 Craic & Codology

Favourite film: Disclosure Favourite song: Telephone, Lady Gaga Favourite book: The Valley of the Squinting Windows Favourite suits: Taylored Favourite king: William the Bastard Favourite politician: Micheál Martin Favourite TV show: Faking It Favourite meal: Dog’s dinner Favourite band: Gossip Favourite sport: Buck passing

July 27, 2017 Craic & Codology

AS part of the government’s efforts to combat the effects of climate change, Minister Denis Naughten has vowed to clamp down on these notoriously poisonous toxic emitters:  INM boardroom  INM boardroom and AGMs  Donald Trump’s tweets  Conor McGregor’s mouth Paul Williams Bono Leo Varadkar’s socks Leo Varadkar in general Ryanair press office… Read more »

July 27, 2017 Craic & Codology

IN AN announcement made on the lonely Banna strand in Co Kerry yesterday Danny Healy-Rae said his comments about pilots flying perfectly well after consuming three glasses of shtout were reported out of context. What he now claims to have said is that it was quite possible to fly a kite after three (or even… Read more »

July 27, 2017 Craic & Codology

Striking Out: Amy Huberman returns in a tedious dragged-out saga in which everyone strikes out for the pub on Sunday night and stays there until it’s over. Saturday Night with Miriam: Amy Huberman will probably return yet again in a tedious dragged out saga in which everyone goes to the pub on Saturday night and… Read more »

July 27, 2017 Craic & Codology

And lo, the world of politics was rocked to its very foundations recently when Saint Paul of Murphia was “converted” on the dusty road to Damascus. Paul, whose name meaneth small or humble in Latin (“I’m not so sure about the second one but go on with the story” – Ed) was on his way… Read more »

July 27, 2017 Craic & Codology

Trump, pictured in the 1980s, says he’s not going to tolerate these anti-Russian slurs anymore. DONALD Trump’s presidency came under further pressure yesterday, after potentially damaging allegations surfaced of meetings with American political figures in the run-up to last November’s elections. The bombshell news comes as a fresh blow to the beleaguered president, who has… Read more »