November 16, 2017 Craic & Codology

Top 50 nuisances of 2017 1 Enda Kenny’s long goodbye 2 That brass neck-and-neck race to replace him 3 Vlad’s all too hasty arrival 4 Staggering victory as he wins nearly half the popular vote 5 Ryanair’s pilot error… 6 Fintan O’Toole’s Orwell Award… He kept that quiet 7 Quinnbet – guess who’s sure to… Read more »

November 2, 2017 Craic & Codology

CAPPUCINO CONSERVATIVES: Donohoe and friend pictured here with a peace offering after hurting the bankers’ feelings by Our Financial Staff Gill Tee THE Irish banking world was still reeling last night after Paschal Donohoe delivered his sternest warning yet on the tracker mortgage scandal. In a savage attack, the no-nonsense Finance Minister told chief executives… Read more »

November 2, 2017 Craic & Codology

Be ready to react if forwards hit the bar If in doubt, say “An investigation is under way” Go defensive if tabloid hack calls Don’t allow teammates to get isolated in post-game fallout If someone identifies you in photo, put the head down and run

November 2, 2017 Craic & Codology

Chances of getting seat on Luas down 20% Strike threats up 50% 40% increase in hot air from Shane Ross 70% increase in blokes asking you for change / cigarettes while you’re buying Luas ticket Irish transport system in need of 100% overhaul No change in number of weekly press releases from Department of Spin

November 2, 2017 Craic & Codology

FURTHER controversy has enveloped the planned National Children’s Hospital construction yesterday after the hospital board questioned the need for beds in the €1bn facility. In a shock submission, the board believes providing beds may be surplus to planning requirements and believes the situation should be reviewed. “We have chairs all over the place my dear… Read more »

November 2, 2017 Craic & Codology

Salutamus Endus Kennyus, celebratum ministerium cutus hooris et homo gombeenus atque premierus Hibernia post-calamatus downturnicus. Famosum per tunica azurus et sermones interminabilos dronavit instructans incomprehensibilosque re austerus hairshirti pro plebs excrutio sine octo denarios. Honorarum te, Endus, per actum politicali posturissimo, in particulare cum bankeri germanici bastardy, perpetuo grovellarius obsequio. Igitur mojo ludicrous revenus atque… Read more »

November 2, 2017 Craic & Codology

An Irish newscaster with RTÉ has taken up a new broadcasting job. On other pages: How newscaster said goodbye to viewers. Presenter’s first day in his early morning role. Dozens of iconic photos of newscaster’s career. 1,000 pics of presenter’s replacements. Phworr! Why everyone loves Dobbo by Sharon Ní Bheoláin Why we can’t think of… Read more »

November 2, 2017 Craic & Codology

Kildare Street THIS entire area is now in danger of becoming a gigantic sewage outflow for the capital. The stench of toxic foul-smelling hot air has resulted in rats openly running amok within the immediate vicinity of Leinster House. Local residents and passers-by repeatedly complain of experiencing high levels of nausea and disgust. Tara Street… Read more »

November 2, 2017 Craic & Codology

Things you won’t be able to say on social media any more: A Garda pal of mine swears yer man’s being fitted up! Of course, you know, the accused has a history of being a banker The dogs in the street know the bishop moved him on five times Everyone knows Paul Murphy loves little… Read more »

November 2, 2017 Craic & Codology

By our special reporter Jean-Claude Van Diemen THE Prez of Leprechaunland, Michael Twee has just left Oz with his Sheila, after spending about three weeks visiting relatives (half the population). Speaking in Garlic, Tweedle said he would decide in five years’ time whether to sit for another 70-year stint as Prez. In the latest opinion… Read more »

November 2, 2017 Craic & Codology

7-8pm: * The Ryanair Show: Mick O’Leary addresses viewers’ latest complaints and threats of legal action. (Pilot transmission; may contain strong language and upsetting scenes) 8-9pm: Off the Beat: How gardaí are winning the battle against corruption by ringing in sick. (PG recommended) 9-10pm: ** DOB’s Courtroom Classics: Documentary focusing on a well-known Irish billionaire’s… Read more »

November 2, 2017 Craic & Codology

An occasional service to readers explaining the meaning of certain words that have suddenly become newsworthy. This Week ‘Targeted activist actions’ (Unfortunately, we are unable to make any sense of these words when presented together in this fashion. But we will look into it and publish our findings in six months, by which time you… Read more »

November 2, 2017 Craic & Codology

Irish Times trustees enjoying the day Come on! Enjoy a day out with some civilised people. Get away from the hustle and bustle of The Paddy’s going about their business. Come to the GMRSR and get loaded on cheap champagne and laugh about how much money you’re saving. It’s a jolly good day out! No… Read more »

November 2, 2017 Craic & Codology

Favourite film: The Departed Favourite song: I’m Walking Away, Craig David Favourite game: Charades Favourite exercise: Grandstanding Favourite TV show: The Babymakers Favourite book: How to Win Friends and Influence People Favourite animal: High horse Favourite hobby: Strutting Favourite clothing: Sackcloth Favourite decade: 1950s As homeless figures hit a record high…

November 2, 2017 Craic & Codology

By Seekasa Parrot FAI guru John Delaney says he will be “happy to play a waiting game” when Ireland travel to Denmark for the first leg of the World Cup qualifying playoff next week. “Sometimes Emma likes to take her time getting ready to meet the public and that’s fine by me,” says the Waterford… Read more »

November 2, 2017 Craic & Codology

In charge of makeovers: Michael Clifford Esq IRISH TIMES boss Liam Kavanagh has said it’s business as usual at the Cork newspaper following the IT’s hostile takeover of the paper. Speaking to journalists on Spike Island, Boss Kavanagh said: “We won’t be interfering at all with the editorial unless it’s to do with politics, business,… Read more »

October 19, 2017 Craic & Codology

HOT AIR: Meteorologists are now worried about a second hot air front, which originated in the RDS during the Fianna Fáil Árd Fhéis last weekend Our Hurricane Staff, Gusty Waters IRISH politicians were last night making preparations to deal with the aftermath of Hurricane Ophelia. Sources inside the new government Propaganda Unit (‘Strategic Communications Unit,’… Read more »

October 19, 2017 Craic & Codology

Following the release of the Che Guevara postage stamp, An Post is delighted to announce the arrival of a new series of products for the Irish market. The Denis O’Brien Designed exclusively for those who work in the legal profession, this stamp is ideal for anyone who needs to send a solicitor’s letter in a… Read more »

October 19, 2017 Craic & Codology

by Fintan Tool The bizarre fatwa pronounced by Denis O’Brien’s Communicorp group against Irish Times journalists appearing on its radio stations is both empirically and ontologically retrogressive. This flagrantly outrageous ban represents a fundamental attack on one of Ireland’s most revered and distinguished institutions, i.e. myself. It’s hard to believe that just a month ago… Read more »

October 19, 2017 Craic & Codology

• Salon Confidential, RTÉ 2 — 9pm: This fascinating reality series looks at the relationship between TDs and their hairdressers. Starring Mick Wallace, Kate O’Connell and John Halligan’s moustache. • Peaky Blinders, BBC 1 — 10pm: The hit gang drama is back! When a rival kingpin bans Blinders from his radio stations, plucky hero Fintan… Read more »

October 19, 2017 Craic & Codology

The following motions were passed at the Fianna Fáil Ard Fheis last weekend: Bertie Ahern to be invited to attend the 2078 Ard Fheis Insist Micheál Martin’s leadership is safe whatever happens after next election Reaffirm Fianna Fáil’s commitment to united Ireland (just not yet) Independent Alliance should be ashamed of themselves for keeping the… Read more »

October 19, 2017 Craic & Codology

It can strike at any time: One minute you’re cruising along and the next the photographer cancels!! Learn to manage it: A good agent is crucial to rearranging the appointment. Don’t let it become panic: Distract yourself. There is so much to do in New York if you book a flight quickly Talk to someone:… Read more »

October 19, 2017 Craic & Codology

RYANAIR CEO Michael O’Leary has confirmed that the company is in discussions with Google about ‘pilotless’ planes. Google has already done pioneering work in the field, developing its ‘driverless’ car model called WAYGO. It is understood that the Ryanair pilotless aircraft will be branded as WAYTOGO. “Well, it has some way to go yet before… Read more »

October 19, 2017 Craic & Codology

Exclusive extract from Life Is A Funny Business, available in bargain bins everywhere now! I have always admired Enda Kenny, ever since he promoted me to high office as Minister for Defence and Minister for Justice in 2011 – I know, two whole senior ministerial positions. Of course, the Taoiseach’s decision only confirmed the esteem… Read more »

October 19, 2017 Craic & Codology

In common with most, if not all, other publications, in recent times we may have given the impression that we lacked confidence in the ability of Republic of Ireland manager Martin O’Neill to steer the squad to the World Cup playoffs. Headlines such as ‘Worse MONager Ever”, ‘What a Load of Mon-ure’ and ‘Boot This… Read more »

October 19, 2017 Craic & Codology

AS PART OF Fáilte Ireland’s campaign to boost the midlands as a holiday destination, the following areas have been earmarked as ideal for short breaks away during the Halloween bank holiday.  Ghost Estate,  Longford  Designed and implemented by the last Fianna Fáil government, these haunting sights are very prevalent throughout the midlands. The genuinely spooky reminders of… Read more »

October 19, 2017 Craic & Codology

No interview with Tony O’Donoghue will last longer than 20 seconds Media won’t mention the fact that we threw away automatic qualification If Martin says Wes Hoolahan is tired, then he really is tired Emphasise Roy Keane is a invaluable member of the management team Congratulate Martin on the season ticket sales Pray James McClean… Read more »

October 19, 2017 Craic & Codology

Favourite film: U-turn Favourite song: Coward Of The County Favourite musical: The King and I Favourite book: No Country For Old Men Favourite water: Bottled Favourite comedian: Karl Spain Favourite band: Status Quo Favourite exercise: Climb down Favourite food: Humble pie Favourite hobby: Caving

October 19, 2017 Craic & Codology

IRELAND is bracing itself for five days of torrential rain in May 2018. It is unusual for weather forecasters to be able to tell how much rain will fall at such an advanced date but the news that the Irish cricket team is to host Pakistan in their first Test match has emboldened Met Éireann… Read more »

October 5, 2017 Craic & Codology

Shane Ross reacts to criticism By Phil Space EYEBROWS WERE raised in the Dáil yesterday when Minister for Strokes, Shane Ross, announced a series of new initiatives. The first unexpected announcement was the green light for a third terminal at Dublin Airport. Minister Ross has now confirmed that the public-private venture will go ahead at… Read more »

October 5, 2017 Craic & Codology

Elderly and institutionalised: RTÉ presenters Squeezed middle: People who use toothpaste in the morning Those left behind: Ryanair passengers Recently made redundant elderly male: Kevin Myers Struggling ex-pats returning home: Ireland football team Over-50s musician on time-limited contract with God: Bono (Also see Budget 2018 The Netherlands) Minority group facing oblivion: Labour Party

October 5, 2017 Craic & Codology

by Our Obituary Staff – Bunny Ghoul MIDDLE-AGED men around the world were in a state of shock today following the sad news that Hugh Hefner, America’s uncrowned ‘King of Sex’ has passed away at the age of 69 (surely 91? – Ed). The self-styled godfather of the sexual revolution is reported to have died… Read more »

October 5, 2017 Craic & Codology

One highly distinguished Sunday newspaper, The Last Post, (established 1989) currently owned by Sunset Media. Reluctant sale due to unexpected lack of big profits. Would ideally suit billionaire buyer who has experience of costly media interests. Newspaper comes complete with: Small but select circulation; Assorted photographs of Ian Kehoe with other celebrities; Selection of unused… Read more »