October 5, 2017 Craic & Codology

by Ross O’Carroll-Kelly Exclusive extract from Keep ‘Em Coming, the hilarious new book by Ireland’s multi-award-winning journalist. You don’t always have to be a top-notch sell-out author, playwright and all-round genius type comedy writer to be on the receiving end of so much attention in the soaraway Irish Times, but that’s exactly what I actually… Read more »

September 21, 2017 Craic & Codology

RANK AND SINGLE FILE: Plain clothes gardai pictured here at a popular Dublin nightspot after being forced by senior management to ‘police outdoors’ By Policing Correspondent, Jack Boot IN A SHOCKING new twist to the crises in An Garda, it is claimed that hundreds of rank and file members were “forced to police outdoors” because… Read more »

September 21, 2017 Craic & Codology

FIANNA FÁIL leader Micheál Martin has confirmed at his party’s annual think-in that one of their elected politicians was the victim of an elaborate “honeytrap” scheme in which he was forced to expose his real intentions. Martin said that the politician in question and his party had been in a stable but boring relationship with… Read more »

September 21, 2017 Craic & Codology

This apology is intended as a deep expression of remorse for any hurt that my unconsidered comments may have caused to the victims of rape, their families or anyone else affected by my unfortunate error of judgement for which I am truly sorry. The producers of High Ruin and Newstalk management deeply regret that yesterday’s… Read more »

September 21, 2017 Craic & Codology

By Fintan Tool What I have to say is of no consequence – regardless of my prominence as the leading intellectual voice of the post-modern generation and the pioneering advocate of Irish Times radicalism – in publicly denouncing the disgraceful rape comments perpetrated by George Hook. It is incumbent on me to decry Hook’s reprehensible… Read more »

September 21, 2017 Craic & Codology

This Week: ‘HOOK’ Something hard and thick, curved or bent back at an angle, typically barbed and baited for catching hold of things. “George was always deliberately outragous in order to hook listeners”. Used also for hanging things on (a ‘tough guy’ reputation, perhaps? Ed) Sling your hook – A polite way of telling someone… Read more »

September 21, 2017 Craic & Codology

Michael O’Neill: The Northern Ireland gaffer has shown he can organise a squad of journeymen and no-hopers to perform to the highest international standards. Comfortable with whistle blowers and certain to eliminate the habit of own goals, has experience with the breathalyser system. Chances: Probably blown it. Davy Russell: The former champion jockey would soon… Read more »

September 21, 2017 Craic & Codology

Due to recent developments a vacancy has arisen for a senior management position in An Garda Síochána. Generous remuneration includes substantial retirement package and free parking on any footpath in the country. The successful candidate will: i) Have a strong and detailed understanding of primal work practices and ancient rituals ii) Be in (legal) possession… Read more »

September 21, 2017 Craic & Codology

Don’t blow it in front of the media Pull over John O’Keeffe – he’s driving us demented Arrest slide in reputation amongst members of public Sort out our PR – it’s a car crash Watch for reporters… Keep an eye on journalists getting ahead of themselves Put brakes on GRA backlash

September 21, 2017 Craic & Codology

(with apologies to Shay Healy) We’ve been waiting such a long time, Hoping that you’ll go But you’re still here Not another year We’ve been pleading for such a long time, Reaching out to you But you don’t hear Oh, not another year Not another year For Shinners who want a government of their own… Read more »

September 21, 2017 Craic & Codology

FOILED AGAIN: Fine Gael councillor Brian Murphy pictured here in his favourite headwear DUN Laoghaire-Rathdown Councillor Brian Murphy has warned constituents to “check under the bed” at night amidst growing alarm that jihadist terrorists may be ready to take over their houses as they sleep. Cllr Murphy says “tens of thousands of homes in Germany,… Read more »

September 21, 2017 Craic & Codology

By Our Obituary Staff – Phil Grave WHEN I heard the sad news that another of our greatest writers had passed away, I was immediately gripped by a sense of desolation, which I had never experienced in over 25 years of journalism. I had good reason to feel sad. Although I had never met the… Read more »

September 21, 2017 Craic & Codology

Narcos, Netflix — Season 3 of the smash hit crime show. Watch the drama unfold as the daring DEA falsify breath tests and smear whistleblowers while failing to take down an evil druglord. Sickening. Ploughing Live, RTÉ 2, 7:00PM — All the action from the Ploughing Championships where the Mayo ploughers look destined to snatch… Read more »

September 21, 2017 Craic & Codology

Cut Us A Line Pablo Escobar Lad Peruvian Marching Powder Keep Snorting Give Us A Gram I’m Invincible Dogs 7–10: Didn’t run – later found in toilets with credit cards

September 21, 2017 Craic & Codology

FOLLOWING months of eager anticipation, tech giant Apple has finally unveiled the company’s new futuristic iPhone X. “It is all screen, it is beautiful to look at, incredible to hold,’ said a grey-haired marketing man in a pair of jeans yesterday. “Our customers have never seen anything like it – at least not since last year’s update.” The… Read more »

September 21, 2017 Craic & Codology

Favourite song: Rocket Man, Elton John Favourite film: Striking Distance Favourite TV show: Big Bang Theory Favourite food: Fried Favourite destination: Bombay Favourite rapper: Lil’ Kim Favourite band: Fall Out Boy Favourite book: War and Peace Favourite game: Brinkmanship Favourite nickname: Fat Man

September 7, 2017 Craic & Codology

The Communications Unit News Team will have responsibility for shaping the news agenda to highlight the positive aspects of the government’s legislative programme. Some of these stories will include : • Leo is fantastic isn’t he? • He’s more ripped than an internal memo from Anglo Irish Bank • Pensioners are also great • And… Read more »

September 7, 2017 Craic & Codology

OFFALY’S HURLING woes were caused by a worldwide downturn in hurling and not local events or structures, a new report has concluded. The Faithful County, four-time All-Ireland winners, is currently in a slump with a review committee having resigned en masse amid frustration over the county board’s attitude to reform. Soon after it emerged that… Read more »

September 7, 2017 Craic & Codology

1014: Red Hugh O’Neill defeats Spanish Armada at the Battle of Vinegar Hill 1169: William of Orange drafts Good Friday Agreement 1315: Wolfe Tone marries Aoife MacMurrough at Stormont Castle 1607: Countess Markievicz invents camogie and Irish dancing 1690:  Robert Emmet establishes Shamrock Rovers 1798: Patrick Sarsfield elected MP for South Longford 1845: Fungie the… Read more »

September 7, 2017 Craic & Codology

What Leo says What Leo Means Global footprint Trendy socks from lots of countries More embassies to increase our global presence More photo ops for me posing with world leaders Will help unlock the enormous untapped potential There’s no end of places I can get to visit! We must always be ambitious I can master… Read more »

September 7, 2017 Craic & Codology

FLOODY HELL: A picture of utter devastation in Bundoran after the last O’Donnell-Carter show tore through the town THERE WAS further devastation for the people of Donegal last week as Daniel O’Donnell and Nathan Carter performed a show to help victims of the flood disaster. Dozens of homes were destroyed by the recent downpours and… Read more »

September 7, 2017 Craic & Codology

Twelfth Night: Hilarious piece of work about a group of unfortunates dealing with a shipwrecked health service while clinging to trolleys for nearly a fortnight. Starring Simon Harris as the man disguised as capable of solving the problems. A Streetcar Named Desperation: Contemporary drama set in modern Ireland. Tensions rise as a desperate young woman… Read more »

September 7, 2017 Craic & Codology

WE NEVER see much in the papers about summer holidays at this time of year – which is strange since it’s a really interesting subject. Last week, for instance, I found myself in Sicily enjoying wall-to-wall sunshine. It was so hot that I spent the entire time in Julio’s, a sidestreet taverna in Palermo where… Read more »

September 7, 2017 Craic & Codology

Scary O’Leary & the Jets: Typically long-winded bout of trumpet blowing by the veteran high flyer had the large and frantic audience on their feet, banging their heads against the surrounding walls and demanding more. Unfortunately for them, Mick decided if the wanted more they would have to pay extra so everyone went somewhere else…. Read more »

September 7, 2017 Craic & Codology

Favourite film: Fight Club Favourite song: Viva Las Vegas Favourite TV show: Bonanza Favourite currency: Dollars Favourite shoes: Flip Flops Favourite newspaper: USA Today Favourite sport: Skipping Favourite climate: May weather Favourite singer: Johnny Cash Favourite politician: Boxer Moran

September 7, 2017 Craic & Codology

IF WE were looking for a single number that would irrefutably indicate what is genuinely distinctive about the Irish Times now, the number would have to be 187. This refers to the number of in-depth and provocatively challenging articles I have written so far this year. The diversity of subjects has ranged widely across such… Read more »

September 6, 2017 Craic & Codology

ENHANCED SOLUTIONS: Finance minister Paschal Donohoe has said the scheme will help various government bodies to work together and share vital information about Doherty A SPECIAL identity card is to be issued immediately to the Minister for Social Protection, Regina Doherty. A government spokesperson has said the main purpose of the card is to assist… Read more »

August 25, 2017 Craic & Codology

TV Listings Conor McGregor vs Floyd Mayweather — Sky Box Office 12AM: The most obnoxious men on earth not named Coveney and Varadkar battle to see who can do the most damage to the sport of boxing in the shortest space of time.

August 25, 2017 Craic & Codology

That OCI Report (in full) 1. The 2016 Olympics were held in Rio de Janeiro, which is Brazil’s second-largest city. 2. Pat Hickey, an Irish sports administrator, was president of the Olympic Council of Ireland from 1988 until 2016. 3. The shawl-collar guest bathrobes at Rio’s Family Olympic Hotel are exceptionally luxurious. 4. Some questions were raised… Read more »