January 11, 2018 Craic & Codology

This week: Blue Passport passport n official document issued by a government, certifying the holder’s identity and citizenship and entitling them to travel under its protection to and from foreign countries. blue n 1. an informal name for Conservative Party member or supporter. 2. Depressed, moody, melancholy, miserable, sad or unhappy. THOSE NEW PASSPORTS IN… Read more »

January 11, 2018 Craic & Codology

A TOP RTÉ producer has revealed the thinking behind RTÉ’s heavily trailed new programme. “Basically it’s a mix of two old genres” he said. “’Strictly’ and ‘Name that Tune’. We will be asking the audience to try to name the, er, stars – heavily disguised as themselves – as they parade their, er, talents on… Read more »

January 11, 2018 Craic & Codology

Organist plays out Morning has Broken the Story as the Bishop commences the service. Bishop Walsh: As we gather here today to honour the laughs of Al’s dearly loved career, let he who has never laughed at him cast the first stone. (Majority of the congregation chuck rocks at the altar.) All of us gathered… Read more »

January 11, 2018 Craic & Codology

Ireland striker Shane Long says he is “over the moon” to have reached his goals target for 2018 already this year. The Southampton man found the net during his club’s 2-1 loss to Crystal Palace for what was his first competitive goal since February 2017. The Tipperary-born forward said afterwards, “It was amazing to reach… Read more »

January 11, 2018 Craic & Codology

  MI5 Charlie Haughey  Shrouded in secrecy Shrouded in secrecy Covertly funded Covertly funded Toppled governments Toppled his own government Sinister motives Sinister haircut Installed spooks Installed bugs Interfered in Irish affairs Dabbled in affairs Caused chaos on the island Wined and dined on his island

January 11, 2018 Craic & Codology

Dear Charlie, What about ye? Hope you and Maureen and the other wee woman that writes for the Sunday newspaper are all in good health. Have you still got the helicopter on the go, despite the awful cost of fuel these days? Shocking the cost of living! We just paid out almost £80,000 for a… Read more »

January 11, 2018 Craic & Codology

Exclusive Extracts from ‘100 Things We Already Knew About Donald Trump’ – President Trump is an unstable megalomaniac who has no grasp of politics or international affairs. – He is particularly suspicious of Muslims, Mexicans, Kim Jung Un, minorities etc. – However, the President likes to reach out to women. – Indeed, he has always… Read more »

January 11, 2018 Craic & Codology

NORTH Korean leader Kim Jong-Un has urged US President Donald Trump to “keep your belief in yourself”, amidst the storm of ridicule and contempt stirred up by a new book on the personal and political affiliations in the White House. Rallying around the beleaguered president, the revolting North Korean said, “Only now do I realise… Read more »

December 14, 2017 Craic & Codology

By Our Brexit Staff, Phil Space IS THERE too much in-depth coverage of ongoing Brexit difficulties in the national media? That is the crucial issue my editor has asked me to address in this latest 2,000-word follow-up to yesterday’s piece on the protracted talks. But with over 11 months to go of the negotiating period,… Read more »

December 14, 2017 Craic & Codology

HOW’S SHE cutting lads? Saoirse Ronan here to give you buckos some tips on how to have the perfect Irish Christmas. At this time of year Santy works up an awful hunger so I do always be leaving out a big plate of bacon and cabbage for the poor craythur. Don’t forget his throat will… Read more »

December 14, 2017 Craic & Codology

Mary Lou McDonald As president of Sinn Féin, I’ll have ears for the most unfortunate and powerless. This applies equally to Leo Whatsisname and Cork Micheál, whoever needs my help after the inevitable 2018 election. Sinn Féin is a “sharing party” and that culture won’t change under my leadership. Bully for us! John Delaney My… Read more »

December 14, 2017 Craic & Codology

Non-Starters Full Irish Brexit (off) Gregory Campbell’s Soup Fresh Press Leaks (with pinch of salt) From the Gravy Train Fishy Mess with Union Flapjacks Turkeys with Savoury Lies Cold Cuts of Duck á l’Orange Arleen Beef (with Theresa) Greens (off) Off the Trolley Bread and Butter-up Blancmange Steamed-up Sticky (Situation) Xmas Pudding To Drink A… Read more »

December 14, 2017 Craic & Codology

Wee Martin (O’Neill): Having a really naughty little helper alongside you does not excuse being cheeky with Mr O’Donoghue when he is only asking why you wouldn’t let the other boys play proper football! Santa thinks bad boys like Martin should have all their games given to somebody else forever and ever. Missy Frances (Fitzgerald):… Read more »

December 14, 2017 Craic & Codology

Fintan O’Toole think-pieces up 50% Huge increase in smugness among British and Irish governments Theresa May to maintain hard border with Boris Johnson Simon Coveney to make no territorial claim on Taoiseach’s office Vlad to keep pronouncing his special status No change in cross-border hostilities between FG and FF THOSE POLITICAL XMAS CARDS IN FULL

December 14, 2017 Craic & Codology

Guess Who? A thrilling game of whodunnit, who sent it and who buried it for all the family. You play a Department of Justice spokesperson charged with producing documents for the tribunal. How long can you obfusticate, circumlocute and lollygag under pressure from opposition TDs, defence lawyers and the media? The game ends, then resets… Read more »

December 14, 2017 Craic & Codology

A LEADING member of Dublin’s Kinahan crime cartel says UFC star Conor McGregor should “take extra precautions” over Christmas because of “a high risk of being talked about by Paul Williams”. The warning comes after the sportsman allegedly punched a man whose uncle has a friend living next door to the son of a woman… Read more »

December 14, 2017 Craic & Codology

Favourite film: Dead Man Walking  Favourite TV show: The Chase  Favourite chocolate: Bounty  Favourite song: Fight It Out, Pat Benatar  Favourite game: Assassin’s Creed  Favourite drink: Punch  Favourite meal: Knuckle sandwich  Favourite band: Five for Fighting  Favourite exercise: Shakedown

November 30, 2017 Craic & Codology

Inaction Man: When Bolsheviks and cowboys threaten to force Lady Frances to walk the plank, Inaction Man has to save her. Or does he? It could be a better strategy to be rid of her completely. Confusing.  Chest-Thumping the Board Game: This old favourite is expected to be the most popular toy of the Christmas… Read more »

November 30, 2017 Craic & Codology

By Dee Pressing, Dáil Reporter HEALTH experts warn that Ireland may become “the most depressed country in Europe”, as fears grow that a general election may be called “every three weeks or so” for the foreseeable future. The grim warning comes as political pundits predict that regardless of what happens in the political arena, Fianna… Read more »

November 30, 2017 Craic & Codology

1: The amount of Fine Gael TDs who still support Frances Fitzgerald  9000: The approximate figure of articles INM will write about Sinn Féin during the election  1.6m: The amount of clichés used by pol corrs last week, including:  “Time will tell”, and “it remains to be seen”. 12: The width in feet of Enda… Read more »

November 30, 2017 Craic & Codology

Call more meetings Rub jaws Make the crosswords a bit easier Just try to get on with each other for at least one day a week! Lock the door and block the keyhole Didn’t that Harris bloke promise to leave years ago? Never, ever mention Robert P. Remember Denis loves you

November 30, 2017 Craic & Codology

by Fintan Tool Boo-hoo-hoo! We’re nobody’s darling any more. Ireland’s humiliating bid to host the 2023 Rugby World Cup was bad enough, but now that Europe’s Medicines Agency and Banking Authority have both blatantly snubbed Dublin, it’s crystal clear that we lead the world in all-out failure. Why-oh-why do we excel at disgracing ourselves? We… Read more »

November 30, 2017 Craic & Codology

By Bill DeMand GOVERNMENT officials have described the decision to locate the European Banking Authority to France as “an unbelievable error of judgment” by EU policy makers. “We put in a fantastic bid, with 20 extra parking spaces, top class toilet facilities, including 24/7 soap & hot water, plus an absolute, gilt-edged guarantee that it… Read more »

November 30, 2017 Craic & Codology

JUST days after announcing his retirement, Sinn Féin president Gerry Adams is sensationally being tipped to take up a top peace-keeping role once he departs the political arena. “The civil war in INM is worsening by the day and with Bono lying low for a while and John Halligan focused elsewhere, the whisper is that… Read more »

November 30, 2017 Craic & Codology

AMID mounting concerns about the slow pace of Brexit negotiations, the British Prime Minister has expressed her satisfaction with the “incredible progress” to date. Theresa May has insisted the entire shambles is proceeding without a hitch. “It takes meticulous attention to detail to make sure nothing is actually agreed after eight months of intensive discussion,”… Read more »

November 30, 2017 Craic & Codology

Danish Pasting Fudge Smell-the-Coffee Nuts (selection) Toast Egg-on-Face Cheerios

November 30, 2017 Craic & Codology

I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here, ITV, 9PM: Z-list celebs make complete fools of themselves in front of the voting public. But will Micheál Martin or Leo Varadkar be named king of the jungle in the end? Tune in to find out!

November 30, 2017 Craic & Codology

Bob Geldof: As a Knight Commander of the Order of the British Empire Geldof would inject an exciting new perspective into Anglo-Irish and SF/DUP relations, while his proven fund raising credentials would secure the party’s Ard Fheis menus for generations to come. Micheál Martin: The Cork politician may feel he has taken Fianna Fáil as far as… Read more »

November 30, 2017 Craic & Codology

OVER recent years, we may have inadvertently given the impression that Ireland’s soccer supporters were the best in all of Europe. In common with every other newspaper, we have published countless articles about how popular the Irish fans always are when they travel abroad. Indeed, everywhere they went, the fans were recognised as dedicated followers… Read more »

November 16, 2017 Craic & Codology

THE STORY SO FAR: Having enjoyed a truly exhilarating year of groundbreaking political decision-making at the highest level, Ireland’s youngest ever leader looks forward to a well-earned Christmas break. THE FARMLEIGH landscape had never looked more resplendent, swathed in a flimsy film of frost. Somewhere beyond the historic walled gardens, the sonorous bells of St… Read more »

November 16, 2017 Craic & Codology

George Hook – for illustrating the dangers of gun culture: Thankfully, Irish citizens do not shiver nervously under daily threat of gun violence as Americans do. Nevertheless, there is so much to be learned from the lesson delivered by the hapless George Hook this year. When the portly broadcaster shot himself in the foot, he… Read more »

November 16, 2017 Craic & Codology

Top 50 nuisances of 2017 1 Enda Kenny’s long goodbye 2 That brass neck-and-neck race to replace him 3 Vlad’s all too hasty arrival 4 Staggering victory as he wins nearly half the popular vote 5 Ryanair’s pilot error… 6 Fintan O’Toole’s Orwell Award… He kept that quiet 7 Quinnbet – guess who’s sure to… Read more »