December 14, 2017 Craic & Codology

Non-Starters Full Irish Brexit (off) Gregory Campbell’s Soup Fresh Press Leaks (with pinch of salt) From the Gravy Train Fishy Mess with Union Flapjacks Turkeys with Savoury Lies Cold Cuts of Duck á l’Orange Arleen Beef (with Theresa) Greens (off) Off the Trolley Bread and Butter-up Blancmange Steamed-up Sticky (Situation) Xmas Pudding To Drink A… Read more »

December 14, 2017 Craic & Codology

Wee Martin (O’Neill): Having a really naughty little helper alongside you does not excuse being cheeky with Mr O’Donoghue when he is only asking why you wouldn’t let the other boys play proper football! Santa thinks bad boys like Martin should have all their games given to somebody else forever and ever. Missy Frances (Fitzgerald):… Read more »

December 14, 2017 Craic & Codology

Fintan O’Toole think-pieces up 50% Huge increase in smugness among British and Irish governments Theresa May to maintain hard border with Boris Johnson Simon Coveney to make no territorial claim on Taoiseach’s office Vlad to keep pronouncing his special status No change in cross-border hostilities between FG and FF THOSE POLITICAL XMAS CARDS IN FULL

December 14, 2017 Craic & Codology

Guess Who? A thrilling game of whodunnit, who sent it and who buried it for all the family. You play a Department of Justice spokesperson charged with producing documents for the tribunal. How long can you obfusticate, circumlocute and lollygag under pressure from opposition TDs, defence lawyers and the media? The game ends, then resets… Read more »

December 14, 2017 Craic & Codology

A LEADING member of Dublin’s Kinahan crime cartel says UFC star Conor McGregor should “take extra precautions” over Christmas because of “a high risk of being talked about by Paul Williams”. The warning comes after the sportsman allegedly punched a man whose uncle has a friend living next door to the son of a woman… Read more »

December 14, 2017 Craic & Codology

Favourite film: Dead Man Walking  Favourite TV show: The Chase  Favourite chocolate: Bounty  Favourite song: Fight It Out, Pat Benatar  Favourite game: Assassin’s Creed  Favourite drink: Punch  Favourite meal: Knuckle sandwich  Favourite band: Five for Fighting  Favourite exercise: Shakedown

November 30, 2017 Craic & Codology

By Dee Pressing, Dáil Reporter HEALTH experts warn that Ireland may become “the most depressed country in Europe”, as fears grow that a general election may be called “every three weeks or so” for the foreseeable future. The grim warning comes as political pundits predict that regardless of what happens in the political arena, Fianna… Read more »

November 30, 2017 Craic & Codology

Inaction Man: When Bolsheviks and cowboys threaten to force Lady Frances to walk the plank, Inaction Man has to save her. Or does he? It could be a better strategy to be rid of her completely. Confusing.  Chest-Thumping the Board Game: This old favourite is expected to be the most popular toy of the Christmas… Read more »

November 30, 2017 Craic & Codology

by Fintan Tool Boo-hoo-hoo! We’re nobody’s darling any more. Ireland’s humiliating bid to host the 2023 Rugby World Cup was bad enough, but now that Europe’s Medicines Agency and Banking Authority have both blatantly snubbed Dublin, it’s crystal clear that we lead the world in all-out failure. Why-oh-why do we excel at disgracing ourselves? We… Read more »

November 30, 2017 Craic & Codology

1: The amount of Fine Gael TDs who still support Frances Fitzgerald  9000: The approximate figure of articles INM will write about Sinn Féin during the election  1.6m: The amount of clichés used by pol corrs last week, including:  “Time will tell”, and “it remains to be seen”. 12: The width in feet of Enda… Read more »

November 30, 2017 Craic & Codology

Call more meetings Rub jaws Make the crosswords a bit easier Just try to get on with each other for at least one day a week! Lock the door and block the keyhole Didn’t that Harris bloke promise to leave years ago? Never, ever mention Robert P. Remember Denis loves you

November 30, 2017 Craic & Codology

By Bill DeMand GOVERNMENT officials have described the decision to locate the European Banking Authority to France as “an unbelievable error of judgment” by EU policy makers. “We put in a fantastic bid, with 20 extra parking spaces, top class toilet facilities, including 24/7 soap & hot water, plus an absolute, gilt-edged guarantee that it… Read more »

November 30, 2017 Craic & Codology

JUST days after announcing his retirement, Sinn Féin president Gerry Adams is sensationally being tipped to take up a top peace-keeping role once he departs the political arena. “The civil war in INM is worsening by the day and with Bono lying low for a while and John Halligan focused elsewhere, the whisper is that… Read more »

November 30, 2017 Craic & Codology

AMID mounting concerns about the slow pace of Brexit negotiations, the British Prime Minister has expressed her satisfaction with the “incredible progress” to date. Theresa May has insisted the entire shambles is proceeding without a hitch. “It takes meticulous attention to detail to make sure nothing is actually agreed after eight months of intensive discussion,”… Read more »

November 30, 2017 Craic & Codology

Danish Pasting Fudge Smell-the-Coffee Nuts (selection) Toast Egg-on-Face Cheerios

November 30, 2017 Craic & Codology

I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here, ITV, 9PM: Z-list celebs make complete fools of themselves in front of the voting public. But will Micheál Martin or Leo Varadkar be named king of the jungle in the end? Tune in to find out!

November 30, 2017 Craic & Codology

Bob Geldof: As a Knight Commander of the Order of the British Empire Geldof would inject an exciting new perspective into Anglo-Irish and SF/DUP relations, while his proven fund raising credentials would secure the party’s Ard Fheis menus for generations to come. Micheál Martin: The Cork politician may feel he has taken Fianna Fáil as far as… Read more »

November 30, 2017 Craic & Codology

OVER recent years, we may have inadvertently given the impression that Ireland’s soccer supporters were the best in all of Europe. In common with every other newspaper, we have published countless articles about how popular the Irish fans always are when they travel abroad. Indeed, everywhere they went, the fans were recognised as dedicated followers… Read more »

November 16, 2017 Craic & Codology

THE STORY SO FAR: Having enjoyed a truly exhilarating year of groundbreaking political decision-making at the highest level, Ireland’s youngest ever leader looks forward to a well-earned Christmas break. THE FARMLEIGH landscape had never looked more resplendent, swathed in a flimsy film of frost. Somewhere beyond the historic walled gardens, the sonorous bells of St… Read more »

November 16, 2017 Craic & Codology

George Hook – for illustrating the dangers of gun culture: Thankfully, Irish citizens do not shiver nervously under daily threat of gun violence as Americans do. Nevertheless, there is so much to be learned from the lesson delivered by the hapless George Hook this year. When the portly broadcaster shot himself in the foot, he… Read more »

November 16, 2017 Craic & Codology

Top 50 nuisances of 2017 1 Enda Kenny’s long goodbye 2 That brass neck-and-neck race to replace him 3 Vlad’s all too hasty arrival 4 Staggering victory as he wins nearly half the popular vote 5 Ryanair’s pilot error… 6 Fintan O’Toole’s Orwell Award… He kept that quiet 7 Quinnbet – guess who’s sure to… Read more »

November 2, 2017 Craic & Codology

Chances of getting seat on Luas down 20% Strike threats up 50% 40% increase in hot air from Shane Ross 70% increase in blokes asking you for change / cigarettes while you’re buying Luas ticket Irish transport system in need of 100% overhaul No change in number of weekly press releases from Department of Spin

November 2, 2017 Craic & Codology

CAPPUCINO CONSERVATIVES: Donohoe and friend pictured here with a peace offering after hurting the bankers’ feelings by Our Financial Staff Gill Tee THE Irish banking world was still reeling last night after Paschal Donohoe delivered his sternest warning yet on the tracker mortgage scandal. In a savage attack, the no-nonsense Finance Minister told chief executives… Read more »

November 2, 2017 Craic & Codology

Be ready to react if forwards hit the bar If in doubt, say “An investigation is under way” Go defensive if tabloid hack calls Don’t allow teammates to get isolated in post-game fallout If someone identifies you in photo, put the head down and run

November 2, 2017 Craic & Codology

FURTHER controversy has enveloped the planned National Children’s Hospital construction yesterday after the hospital board questioned the need for beds in the €1bn facility. In a shock submission, the board believes providing beds may be surplus to planning requirements and believes the situation should be reviewed. “We have chairs all over the place my dear… Read more »

November 2, 2017 Craic & Codology

Salutamus Endus Kennyus, celebratum ministerium cutus hooris et homo gombeenus atque premierus Hibernia post-calamatus downturnicus. Famosum per tunica azurus et sermones interminabilos dronavit instructans incomprehensibilosque re austerus hairshirti pro plebs excrutio sine octo denarios. Honorarum te, Endus, per actum politicali posturissimo, in particulare cum bankeri germanici bastardy, perpetuo grovellarius obsequio. Igitur mojo ludicrous revenus atque… Read more »

November 2, 2017 Craic & Codology

An Irish newscaster with RTÉ has taken up a new broadcasting job. On other pages: How newscaster said goodbye to viewers. Presenter’s first day in his early morning role. Dozens of iconic photos of newscaster’s career. 1,000 pics of presenter’s replacements. Phworr! Why everyone loves Dobbo by Sharon Ní Bheoláin Why we can’t think of… Read more »

November 2, 2017 Craic & Codology

Kildare Street THIS entire area is now in danger of becoming a gigantic sewage outflow for the capital. The stench of toxic foul-smelling hot air has resulted in rats openly running amok within the immediate vicinity of Leinster House. Local residents and passers-by repeatedly complain of experiencing high levels of nausea and disgust. Tara Street… Read more »

November 2, 2017 Craic & Codology

Things you won’t be able to say on social media any more: A Garda pal of mine swears yer man’s being fitted up! Of course, you know, the accused has a history of being a banker The dogs in the street know the bishop moved him on five times Everyone knows Paul Murphy loves little… Read more »

November 2, 2017 Craic & Codology

By our special reporter Jean-Claude Van Diemen THE Prez of Leprechaunland, Michael Twee has just left Oz with his Sheila, after spending about three weeks visiting relatives (half the population). Speaking in Garlic, Tweedle said he would decide in five years’ time whether to sit for another 70-year stint as Prez. In the latest opinion… Read more »