February 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

St Michael’s College v Terenure College 25 – 16 POST-MATCH BRAWL 14 Head Butts – 16 Kick in the Balls Disallowed guillotine 33rd minute Gurrier sent back into the pub for striking garda Yellow card for brawler urinating on 7,000 series Beemer Flying bottle found to be offside when thrown D4 mum sin-binned for use… Read more »

January 25, 2018 Craic & Codology

By Sammy Wilson NUTCASES around the country have reacted angrily to the DUP’s Sammy Wilson comparing them to Leo Varadkar. Wilson had made the comparison in the context of the Brexit negotiations, but nutcases have said the slur is unacceptable under any circumstances. “To say we bear any resemblance to Fine Gael politicians is just… Read more »

January 25, 2018 Craic & Codology

A well-known singer and musician has turned 60. On other pages How the man celebrated his birthday The full guest of liggers who attended the event of the century 200 pics of well-known singer’s career 2,000 pictures of Bono, Imelda May, Johnny Depp, Michael D, etc. Why I think Shane is the greatest songwriter of… Read more »

January 25, 2018 Craic & Codology

By May A. Culpa THE HSE and Health Minister Simon Harris believe the recent apology outbreak that caused so much fear and discomfort across the country “has now peaked”. A spokersperson for the Department of Health has reassured the public that they “should see a rapid decline in apologies over the coming weeks and months”…. Read more »

January 25, 2018 Craic & Codology

by Our Showbiz Staff Philippa Page I NEVER had the pleasure of meeting Dolores and, sadly, didn’t know her at all. But like every other hack in the country, I was asked to write 2,000 words about her for a newspaper. Needless to say, the news that the Cranberries singer had died suddenly at the… Read more »

January 25, 2018 Craic & Codology

by Our Armorial Staff AS PREPARATIONS continue for the coronation of Sinn Féin’s deputy leader to succeed Gerry Adams as the party’s president, details of Ms McDonald’s coat of arms have been revealed to the public. The main quartering of the heraldic shield will show: 1. Vintage-style rolling pin for use during Leo Varadkar’s Leader’s… Read more »

January 25, 2018 Craic & Codology

• Britannia, Sky Atlantic; 9pm – Historical drama set at the time of the Roman invasion of Britain. Fearsome warriors and sworn rivals Arlene and Theresa unite to defend the realm from the multicultural hordes of mainland Europe. Pure fantasy. • Derry Girls, Channel 4; 8pm – Sitcom series in which RTÉ producers become increasingly… Read more »

January 25, 2018 Craic & Codology

Best Neck like a Jockey’s B*llocks: Martin O’Neill for Talking to Stoke; Simon Harris for The Trolleys Most Tragic Effort to Justify High Wages: Ray D’Arcy for Saturday Nights; John Delaney for Escape to Defeat Most Determined Attention Seeker: Leo Varadkar for Spinning; MP Barry McElduff for Bread Basket Case Outstanding Contribution to Inconsequential Knowledge:… Read more »

January 25, 2018 Craic & Codology

WE at INM want to convey our profoundest congratulations to our dear friend and colleague Stephen Rae on his appointment as Champion of Truth and Fake News Slayer with the European Commission’s expert group. Having known Stephen for so long, all of us at INM can scarcely believe the news. He will bring a strong… Read more »

January 25, 2018 Craic & Codology

TRANSPORT Minister Shane Ross says he plans to replace the red and green hues at traffic lights “to avoid confusion and people choosing the wrong option”. The Independent Alliance politician says: “Red and green are far too similar and can easily confuse even the most enlightened and attentive driver, such as myself. “Even a sober-minded… Read more »

January 25, 2018 Craic & Codology

by Our Sports Staff – Shania Law THERE were angry scenes outside Portmarnock Golf Club last night as a small group of Saudi women gathered to demonstrate against the continuing ban on women members. “Back home in Jeddah, women like me are, as of last week, allowed to openly drive our gold-plated cars to the… Read more »

January 25, 2018 Craic & Codology

THE country is bracing itself for a fresh onslaught of Met Éireann warnings after one of its meteorologists last night felt a gust of wind on his way home. The forecaster immediately issued a full-scale national weather alert that was expected to produced plenty of hot air on the front of national newspapers. “I felt… Read more »

January 25, 2018 Craic & Codology

Favourite film: The Kids Are Alright Favourite song: Millennium, Robbie Williams Favourite TV show: Growing Old Disgracefully Favourite food: Curry Favour Favourite body part: Hip Favourite genre: Tragic Favourite game: Jenna Marbles Favourite smell: Desperation Favourite furniture: Antiquated Favourite alcohol: Aged

January 25, 2018 Craic & Codology

By Emmet Baloney MARTIN O’NEILL has angrily dismissed claims he is in talks to manage the Republic of Ireland football team. Taking a break from a round of negotiations with yet another bottom-half Premiership club, O’Neill strongly denied rumours linking him to the Irish job. “The Irish job if it came up would be tempting,”… Read more »

January 25, 2018 Craic & Codology

January 25, 2018 Craic & Codology

A TRAUMATISED bystander today described the bizarre scene he witnessed at the Regency Hotel in Stoke. Enrique Sánchez Flores from Spain was waiting in the hotel lobby to attend a job interview when two people suddenly rushed in. “One was dressed as on old man. He was wearing a flat cap and had a beard…. Read more »

January 25, 2018 Craic & Codology

Desperately ill elderly man having arrived by trolley. Homeless single mother of four saying a prayer Dejected Irish soccer supporter Mayo supporter who doesn’t believe in God Banker seizing possession of three chairs British Remain voter hoping he can stay Ruthless landlord kicking five people out

January 11, 2018 Craic & Codology

PRIME Minister Viktor Orbán is facing mounting criticism from opposition benches for meeting Ireland’s controversial leader, Leo Varadkar. Hungary’s Labour Party leader has called for an immediate explanation as to why an official visit by Mr Varadkar to Budapest was not revealed until the day before it took place.  “This furtive meeting represents an implicit endorsement of… Read more »

January 11, 2018 Craic & Codology

The country’s health service was plunged into crisis again last night when new figures were released showing that, in the majority of Ireland’s hospitals, hundreds of trolleys were still queuing up to be admitted to corridors. “It’s an absolute disgrace,” said one frustrated trolley outside St. James’s Hospital in Dublin. “I’ve been waiting for three… Read more »

January 11, 2018 Craic & Codology

by Anne T. Biotic UFC champ Conor McGregor has called on Aussie flu bug H3N2 to “come out from behind the hankie” for a rematch, following the pair’s dramatic Christmas bout. The bearded battler insists the bug “just got lucky” during December’s battle on his home turf. The shock outcome left the motor-mouth Dubliner floored… Read more »

January 11, 2018 Craic & Codology

This time of year we can feel bloated and lethargic having over indulged during the holiday season. With this in mind Goldhawk asked some famous faces about their detox plans for January. Rosanna Davison  I take my health very seriously so I was shocked when my doctor informed me I was at risk of developing diabetes…. Read more »

January 11, 2018 Craic & Codology

This week: Blue Passport passport n official document issued by a government, certifying the holder’s identity and citizenship and entitling them to travel under its protection to and from foreign countries. blue n 1. an informal name for Conservative Party member or supporter. 2. Depressed, moody, melancholy, miserable, sad or unhappy. THOSE NEW PASSPORTS IN… Read more »

January 11, 2018 Craic & Codology

I plan to launch a new make-up range for ladies and gents. It has shadow for concealing warts, cleanser for eliminating blemishes and a state-of-the art razor to make everything look smooth. It only goes skin deep but makes everything look good on the face of it! It’s free for only €5m. And the homeless… Read more »

January 11, 2018 Craic & Codology

Ireland striker Shane Long says he is “over the moon” to have reached his goals target for 2018 already this year. The Southampton man found the net during his club’s 2-1 loss to Crystal Palace for what was his first competitive goal since February 2017. The Tipperary-born forward said afterwards, “It was amazing to reach… Read more »

January 11, 2018 Craic & Codology

A TOP RTÉ producer has revealed the thinking behind RTÉ’s heavily trailed new programme. “Basically it’s a mix of two old genres” he said. “’Strictly’ and ‘Name that Tune’. We will be asking the audience to try to name the, er, stars – heavily disguised as themselves – as they parade their, er, talents on… Read more »

January 11, 2018 Craic & Codology

Organist plays out Morning has Broken the Story as the Bishop commences the service. Bishop Walsh: As we gather here today to honour the laughs of Al’s dearly loved career, let he who has never laughed at him cast the first stone. (Majority of the congregation chuck rocks at the altar.) All of us gathered… Read more »

January 11, 2018 Craic & Codology

  MI5 Charlie Haughey  Shrouded in secrecy Shrouded in secrecy Covertly funded Covertly funded Toppled governments Toppled his own government Sinister motives Sinister haircut Installed spooks Installed bugs Interfered in Irish affairs Dabbled in affairs Caused chaos on the island Wined and dined on his island

January 11, 2018 Craic & Codology

Dear Charlie, What about ye? Hope you and Maureen and the other wee woman that writes for the Sunday newspaper are all in good health. Have you still got the helicopter on the go, despite the awful cost of fuel these days? Shocking the cost of living! We just paid out almost £80,000 for a… Read more »

January 11, 2018 Craic & Codology

Exclusive Extracts from ‘100 Things We Already Knew About Donald Trump’ – President Trump is an unstable megalomaniac who has no grasp of politics or international affairs. – He is particularly suspicious of Muslims, Mexicans, Kim Jung Un, minorities etc. – However, the President likes to reach out to women. – Indeed, he has always… Read more »

January 11, 2018 Craic & Codology

NORTH Korean leader Kim Jong-Un has urged US President Donald Trump to “keep your belief in yourself”, amidst the storm of ridicule and contempt stirred up by a new book on the personal and political affiliations in the White House. Rallying around the beleaguered president, the revolting North Korean said, “Only now do I realise… Read more »

December 14, 2017 Craic & Codology

By Our Brexit Staff, Phil Space IS THERE too much in-depth coverage of ongoing Brexit difficulties in the national media? That is the crucial issue my editor has asked me to address in this latest 2,000-word follow-up to yesterday’s piece on the protracted talks. But with over 11 months to go of the negotiating period,… Read more »

December 14, 2017 Craic & Codology

HOW’S SHE cutting lads? Saoirse Ronan here to give you buckos some tips on how to have the perfect Irish Christmas. At this time of year Santy works up an awful hunger so I do always be leaving out a big plate of bacon and cabbage for the poor craythur. Don’t forget his throat will… Read more »

December 14, 2017 Craic & Codology

Mary Lou McDonald As president of Sinn Féin, I’ll have ears for the most unfortunate and powerless. This applies equally to Leo Whatsisname and Cork Micheál, whoever needs my help after the inevitable 2018 election. Sinn Féin is a “sharing party” and that culture won’t change under my leadership. Bully for us! John Delaney My… Read more »