March 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

His Royal Highness, King of the Midlands Boxer Moran has issued the following royal decrees: Golden Island shopping centre to be the new location of royal court  Shane Ross to be awarded Earldom of Stepaside  Robert Troy to be exiled to Troy  The Shannon waters to be turned back from Dublin  Willie Penrose to be… Read more »

March 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

Note to Editor: Can you put this near the sports section where people can’t miss it and make sure the advertorial bit is not in bold lettering? Sustainability (keeping up the spin) Water Management: As Minister Creed has noted (pages 391-8) Ireland’s special relationship with water dates from the beginning of time. Under Leo 2040,… Read more »

March 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

ULTRA-HUMBLE greetings from your supreme pontiff. Yes, it’s my busy time here at Vatican HQ, issuing proclamations, kissing babies, arranging exorcisms – and then the whole Easter programme just around the corner. Sometimes I ask myself: Am I the only good selfless person left on the entire planet? Not to mention going on the road… Read more »

March 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

By Phil T Lucre & Gary Owen THE world of rugby was left stunned and saddened today after Leinster and Ireland businessman Jamie Heaslip announced his immediate retirement from the game. Heaslip had earned the respect and admiration of fans everywhere for his closing of deals and determined driving of bargains (Surely closing down and… Read more »

March 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

US PRESIDENT Donald Trump has expressed his excitement at finally getting a chance to meet Leo Varadkar face to face on St Patrick’s Day. Speaking to reporters from the Russian embassy Mr Trump emphasised the similarities between himself and the Fine Gael leader. “Tremendous guy. I hear he had a lot of trouble with some broad… Read more »

March 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

By Dessie Mated FRIENDS AND colleagues lavished praise on RTÉ head of sport Ryle Nugent yesterday as the Ballyfermot man bids farewell to his post after eight years in the top job. The move comes amid a severe shrinkage in RTÉ’s sports portfolio, with only the Tony O’Donoghue versus Martin O’Neill jousting contests guaranteed to… Read more »

February 21, 2018 Craic & Codology

By May Dupp TAOISEACH Leo Varadkar says he is “fully confident” there will be enough milk and honey to meet the requirements of every tap in Ireland as contained in the government’s Project Ireland 2040 document. Sceptics have expressed doubt that the measure was achievable but the Fine Gael leader yesterday laughed off the doubters…. Read more »

February 21, 2018 Craic & Codology

• Inexperienced ministers must be accompanied by fully qualified public relations expert at all times • Crackdown on useless spare wheels (Independent Alliance) • Shane Ross to be allowed drive royal carriage in bus lanes • Ministers to lose cars if they spend too much time on hobby horses • Ask Mattie McGrath to get… Read more »

February 21, 2018 Craic & Codology

Martin O’Neillbeforeme Yes, of course I will give up something. Or at least get close to giving up something. That’s not to say I will follow the giving-up process to its conclusion. Sometimes I like to nearly, nearly, nearly give up something before changing my mind and not giving it up at all! That’s perfectly… Read more »

February 21, 2018 Craic & Codology

Britain’s Foreign Secretary updates readers on the Brexit talks HOORAH! Yes. It’s time to focus hearts and minds on all things Brexit. And what better way to kick off than with good old Bozza’s cracking speecheroo last week spelling out a few basic home truths to send the wind up all these Euro Johnnies who… Read more »

February 21, 2018 Craic & Codology

By Noah Notice IRISH Times editor Paul O’Neill has denied “losing the newsroom” after a plethora of hacks ignored his plea for objectivity when filing reports on the Eighth Amendment referendum. Laughing at “the very thought”, the floppy-haired hack asked, “would I be making tea for Una and Kitty right now if there was a… Read more »

February 21, 2018 Craic & Codology

Fintan Tool IT’S HARD to believe that just two years ago, I was busy churning out erudite and thought-provoking 2,000-word pieces about Brexit – or should that be Brexile? My discourse focused primarily on Ireland’s volatile prospects vis-à-vis our relationship with the UK following the inevitable onslaught of the new political order. With such a… Read more »

February 21, 2018 Craic & Codology

By Our Property Staff, Phil Space JUST A short distance off the Donegal coast, the picturesque island is perfect for commuting to Dublin. Árainn Mhór is without question one of the best value neighbourhoods in the greater Dublin area. The remote island location offers prices that are affordable to most first-time buyers and is well… Read more »

February 21, 2018 Craic & Codology

Functioning health service postponed until 3040 Mick Wallace to have haircut by 2025 At least one million more Vlad press conferences over next decade Disclosures Tribunal to issue interim report in 2035 / lawyers’ fees to be calculated by same date Martin O’Neill to uncover creative midfield player over next 20 years Mayo to win… Read more »

February 21, 2018 Craic & Codology

ON BEHALF of the media we wish to apologise to the general public for creating the impression that a deal to restore power-sharing at Stormont was imminent. Headlines such as “deal nearly done” and “restoration close at hand” may have inadvertently created the impression that an executive would return in the next few weeks. This… Read more »

February 21, 2018 Craic & Codology

• Room to Improve – RTÉ 2, 9pm: Architect Dermot Bannon shows the public just how easy it is to build houses. The construction work is carried out despite vehement opposition from the Fine Gael/Fianna Fáil cowboys.

February 21, 2018 Craic & Codology

Listen guys it moves me to accept this awaaawrd; it really, really moves me. I mean that sincerely. I wouldn’t say it moves me if it didn’t move me. But this awaaard isn’t really about me. It’s about Ireland and a past betraaayed by the treacherous deeds of friend and foe alike. It’s about Famine,… Read more »

February 21, 2018 Craic & Codology

In Other Events: Ice Hockey Michael Healy-Rae got off to a really great start attacking Mark MacSharry in the first round. Curling Sports Minister Shane Ross’s ice bowl got stuck in a pot hole. Gardaí from Stepaside were flown out on the government jet to try to get it out. Nordic Combined Sinn Féin’s chairman… Read more »

February 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

THE Government has come under fire for saying it is unable to legislate for Simon Coveney. “It’s out of my hands, Simon is a law unto himself,” commented Vlad Varadkar during his hourly press conference. “How people want to do deals with him is a matter of conscience.” The Tánaiste recently hit the headlines after… Read more »

February 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

by Our Referendum Staff Harry McGoo CAMPAIGNERS on both sides of the abortion debate are bracing themselves for a hard battle over the coming months in the run-up to the contentious Appeal of the Eighth Amendment Referendum in May. However, it emerged last night that a huge percentage of Irish people are still undecided about… Read more »

February 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

An occasional service to readers offering selected meanings of certain words that have suddenly become newsworthy Safe adj. Secure from risk. “Will my Dáil seat be safe after this referendum?” Legal adj. Having a formal status derived from law often without a basis in actual fact. Rare adj. Lightly cooked. “This half-baked proposal for the… Read more »

February 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

Vote only once by putting a cross in the box next to your choice. [ ] Option 1 – Set aside the Eighth Amendment with immediate effect, allowing for further consultation from interested parties with regard to a fresh set of comprehensive proposals vis-à-vis this highly complex issue which can then be carefully reconsidered in… Read more »

February 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

Tony to Martin Sometimes I sense your mood grow tense And our chats lack love and joy But if it’s a case that you need more space You can always send out Roy   Gerry to Arlene Parting is such sweet, sweet sorrow And as I leave you to tomorrow Your cold, cold heart may… Read more »

February 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

FINE Gael TD Noel “Alternative” Rock has slammed organisers of a Dublin concert after they put tickets on sale for a reasonable price. “This is an affront to hard-working politicians like myself who love to go on radio stations and get on the airwaves,” said Rock. “I haven’t been on any programmes in the past… Read more »

February 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

Favourite film: Slumdog Millionaire  Favourite TV show: Follow the Money  Favourite song: Out of Reach, Gabrielle  Favourite game: Cowboys and Indians Favourite band: Far East Movement  Favourite place: Earn County  Favourite season: Indian summer  Favourite animal: Cash cow  Favourite food: Frozen  Favourite sports event: Calcutta Cup

February 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

Derrylin’s newest Indian restaurant Starters Frozen Assets (Naan of your business) Vindaloot (stuffed away) Tikka (lotta nerve) ******* Mains Ready Cooked Books Half-baked Bean Counters Curry Favour with Porkie Pies With Unsavoury Salad Nickoise Burnt Fingers of Fish (Frittered on bed of own making) ******* Just Desserts Making a Mint Tea or Earl Grey Areas… Read more »

February 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

An occasional series addressing readers’ concerns: Q: I am shortly visiting India for the first time. As I have a weak stomach can anyone recommend a suitable diet? A: You may be in luck. From recent newspaper reports, it appears that the super-seedy supplement food Quinn-oa has now become available in India. The even better… Read more »

February 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

THERE were scenes of despair around Dublin yesterday after U2 sold out within seconds when presented with the chance to appear in another Apple advert. Disappointed fans took to social media to express their dismay when it became clear the band hadn’t a scintilla of credibility left. Meanwhile, intense speculation surrounds the support acts for… Read more »

February 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

St Michael’s College v Terenure College 25 – 16 POST-MATCH BRAWL 14 Head Butts – 16 Kick in the Balls Disallowed guillotine 33rd minute Gurrier sent back into the pub for striking garda Yellow card for brawler urinating on 7,000 series Beemer Flying bottle found to be offside when thrown D4 mum sin-binned for use… Read more »

February 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

LOU WINS! NEXT SATURDAY’S ELECTION VOTE THE ELECTION of the Great One Lou as leader of the MDTVPSF (Most Democratically Transparent Voting PARTY of Sinn Féin) has been decided at the party’s national congress in a chicken factory in South Armagh next weekend. In a totally open and free election members will be asked if… Read more »