January 10, 2019 Craic & Codology

The Luas this morning • Tens of thousands of unanswered emails from disgruntled commuters. • Additional graphic details of muggers, addicts and party-goers falling about and getting sick. • Medical records of passengers who have suffered bruising and asphyxia on crowded trains.

January 10, 2019 Craic & Codology

No 9: SHANE ROUTS THE FAIKERS – from the Book of Geriatrics And at the time there were amongst the people a group known as the FAIkers who wielded great and who were led by a man called John. The FAIkers were long of tooth and rich of meal vouchers and great was the gnashing… Read more »

January 10, 2019 Craic & Codology

by Our Varadkar Giveaway Staff – Phil Front-Page TAOISEACH Leo Varadkar’s eco-friendly initiative aims to beat climate change by giving people who save energy “free cheques in the post” for good behaviour. Speaking to reporters last night, Mr Varadkar insisted that there were very compelling reasons behind his latest plan. “This giveaway is less to… Read more »

January 10, 2019 Craic & Codology

THE APPOINTMENT by Minister for Culture and Holy Communion Josepha Mad-one of a team of ‘Cultural Ambassadors’ is only the first move in a grand strategy by Leo Varadkar’s government to “dominate the globe using only the power of art and brassneckedness”. The initial selection of five lesser-known personalities is understood to be a move… Read more »

January 10, 2019 Craic & Codology

2019 is going to be even more beautiful because it will be so special. That means I will be making a VERY big announcement. BIG. It’s currently so classified that people will have to wait a little longer before hearing about my top-secret plans to run for the presidency in 2020. I will also appoint… Read more »

January 10, 2019 Craic & Codology

MAY verb. to quake or shiver in the face of looming disaster. (N. Irish origin.) e.g. “The Prime Minister still believes that she may secure unwavering DUP support over the coming year.”

January 10, 2019 Craic & Codology

AT THE start of another new year, after the usual glut of Christmas goodies, a lot of Irish newspapers start to slim down and look amazingly thin. Just how do they do it? Now you can share their incredible secret by following the amazing ‘Get Really Lean in 2019 Plan’, as practised by all the… Read more »

January 10, 2019 Craic & Codology

Ongoing tsunamis of Miriam O’Callaghan interviews on TV and radio Volcanic eruptions from Sinn Féin Massive avalanches of gibberish from the Healy-Raes John Delaney’s wages identified as fearsome black hole Incessant floods of Amy Huberman’s ‘work’ everywhere Famine of even half-effective solutions from Eoghan Murphy The Ray D’Arcy Show More Una Mullally columns

January 10, 2019 Craic & Codology

Too many drivers amongst the rural chaps are thinking about alcohol when they get behind the wheel. I’ve resolved to eradicate this dangerous distraction in 2019 by rolling out roadside lie detectors. I will tackle this problem head on and at speed. – Minister for Dictating, Shane Pothole I’m not yet sure what Leo has… Read more »

December 13, 2018 Craic & Codology

Martina Fitzgerald “PAUL WHO?” FOLLOWING THE surprise replacement (surely ‘shafting’ – Ed) of Martina Fitzgerald as political correspondent at Montrose last week, there has been uproar both inside and outside RTÉ. The appointment of the clearly male Paul Cunningham to the position has raised the spectre of sexism at the state broadcaster, given that it… Read more »

December 13, 2018 Craic & Codology

By Corry Dore In his latest move to reassure the Irish public, health minister Simon Harris has promised to “reduce crowding and offer faster diagnoses” of HSE scandals in the New Year. The move follows complaints that scandals are being crammed alongside each other into hard-pressed news outlets. It was also claimed that some scandals… Read more »

December 13, 2018 Craic & Codology

Farewell thee well then Lillie’s Not really a bordello I never went there Unlike Jagger and Bono Strutting their stuff So I read in the Sindo In Barry Ego’s old guff And I didn’t go to Lillie’s Cos reading that sh*te Was more than enough … M T Glass

December 13, 2018 Craic & Codology

Junior ministers protest over expenses THE CRISIS surrounding Dublin’s hotel accommodation costs took a turn for the worst last night, with fears now rampant that some Fine Gael junior ministers may be reduced to availing of B&B accommodation. The grim news comes after rural ministers raised concerns that hotel costs were eating into their wages… Read more »

December 13, 2018 Craic & Codology

Starters Humble Pie Waffle Spring Rollover Mains Peas (best before Good Friday 1998) Chuck a l’orange Cooked Goose with Belly-up of Pork Off the Trolley Irish Border Fudge Fruits of Office (with added sweeteners) To Drink EU Whines

December 13, 2018 Craic & Codology

Q: What is the purpose behind this initiative? A: To correct the grave misconception that all bankers are greasy-palmed, money-grabbing vultures. In fact, some are not. Q: How do we know this isn’t a well-planned PR stunt to win back respect after a litany of scandals? A: Going forward, the fact of the matter is… Read more »

December 13, 2018 Craic & Codology

THE Minister for Health has promised to solve hospital overcrowding this winter by introducing a “new and innovative approach”. Winter Plan (in full) n Sick people to remain at home during the cold winter months n Wrap up warm and watch Casualty and Doctors on TV n Fast-track treatment for people who bring their own… Read more »

December 13, 2018 Craic & Codology

Includes: * Especially For Me * I Believe in Publicity * Spinning Around (as usual) *Can’t Get EU Out of My Head * I Should Be So Lucky (for now) Singalong with Leo this Yuletide (…or else!) BEST BOOKS FOR XMAS 2018

December 13, 2018 Craic & Codology

Grease-Mogg Revival of the classic kitsch musical about a rebellious aristocratic Tory MP who falls passionately in love with himself. Trouble starts when he tries to act cool in front of his unruly pal Boris. Slick toe-tapping numbers include ‘Euro The One No One Wants’ and ‘Hopelessly Out Of Touch’. The Snoreman Enchanting seasonal story… Read more »

December 13, 2018 Craic & Codology

The Roy Keane team motivator kit From conkers to Champions League, whatever game you’re playing at, fine tune your side’s determination with this unique motivation package from Ireland’s utmost sidekick! Each kit contains:  Three ferocious beards – seething stubble, growling growth or bristling bush 75 reasons why your charges are a useless bunch of w**kers!… Read more »

November 29, 2018 Craic & Codology

By Neil Alldraw Gardaí say they are “not at all concerned” after two men, who had been skating on thin ice for some time, disappeared from view yesterday. Witnesses say the men, known as Martin and Roy, had been “frowning at people and boasting about destroying Italy” for months beforehand. Said one observer, “Everyone was… Read more »

November 29, 2018 Craic & Codology

Fears are growing about the feasibility of the post-European withdrawal agreement, which was announced this week.  Under the terms of the Withdrawal Treaty Agreement Framework (WTAF), a transitionary period of two years will be implemented before a hard exit sometime in late 2020. While the scheme has been welcomed for bringing certainty to a chaotic… Read more »

November 29, 2018 Craic & Codology

By our dance correspondents: Strick Lee and Twink L Towes What it is! The backstop is a crazy new dance routine that involves dancers representing Ireland, the United Kingdom and Europe dancing at Brexit speed (Surely “breakneck” – Ed) along a mazy line known as “the hard border”. How it works! Ireland, represented by a… Read more »

November 29, 2018 Craic & Codology

The North Pole has revealed the most requested gifts from Santa this year: Subbuteo (Ireland edition)  Tactical game of risk in which the team’s chief executive tries to deflect attention away from himself and on to the underperforming management team and players. Expected to sell out again and again.  A House Urban version of FarmVille in… Read more »

November 29, 2018 Craic & Codology

Peadar Tóibín: Party leader, with special responsibility for promoting freedom of conscience within the party in relation to the abortion issue. P. Tóibín: Deputy leader in charge of protecting the freedom of conscience of elected representatives, so that they can all fully support the pro-life campaign. Peter Tobin: Spokesperson on political, economic and social affairs,… Read more »

November 29, 2018 Craic & Codology

Favourite film: No Way Back  Favourite song: Time to Say Goodbye, Andrea Bocelli Favourite TV show: Party of Five  Favourite band: Babyshambles  Favourite shop: Principles  Favourite cream: Whipped  Favourite exercise: Skipping it  Favourite clothing: Belt and braces  Favourite animal: Swan off  Favourite food: Eggs 

November 29, 2018 Craic & Codology

And there lived in those times a loud man, florid of countenance, who was known as “Hooky” throughout the land. Famous for his pompous expertise in rugby punditry and for his fiery utterances on any subject that came into his head, not a day went by when his sermons and moral exhortations were not heard… Read more »

November 29, 2018 Craic & Codology

“Single use”, a term that describes a minority or coalition government (Surely “items whose unchecked proliferation are blamed for damaging the environment and affecting the food chain” – Ed), has been named Collins’s Word of 2018. New dictionery words include… posh (adjective – informal) 1. very smart luxurious. 2. upper class. Believed to be an… Read more »

November 29, 2018 Craic & Codology

A great night of back slapping and freebies had by all. Winners 2018: Award for Causing Collapse of Criminal Trial and Costing Your Paper Tens of Thousands of Euro – Irish Indo Award for Biggest News Room Rows – Daily Mail Best Use of Filling Space in a Paper – The Irish Times Arts and… Read more »

November 29, 2018 Craic & Codology

Sinn Féin leader Mary Lou McDonald has hit out at critics who have accused her of “hobnobbing with the super-rich” at a fundraising Christmas dinner in the United States. Speaking outside Leinster House last night, the Dublin Central TD complained that she was a victim of discrimination and was being grossly mistreated – particularly by Fine Gael…. Read more »

November 29, 2018 Craic & Codology

Fresh from concluding a mega-bucks deal with Face-off, businessman Johnny Ronan (who is planning to build the biggest ego in Ireland) has vehemently denied that it is a “vanity project”. “The erection, in the Phallusian style, will be the largest in Dublin,” he pantingly explained. Already dubbed The Johnny by an anonymous Dublin wag, the… Read more »

November 29, 2018 Craic & Codology

Friction: 1. Blame it on Boris 2. Red Tape 3. Queuing for a living 4. Stop! Who goes there? 5. Turning back the clock Non-Friction (Frictionless) 1. Night crossing 2. Smugglers of South Armagh 3. All Clear on the Northern Front 4. The way we were 5. All along the watchtowers

November 29, 2018 Craic & Codology

Professorship of driving a car over the Dáil plinth Professor of how to get Mitchell O’Connor re-elected in Dún Laoghaire Professor of how to put up with being an advisor to Mitchell O’ Connor for more than one day Professorship of making sure MMOC is never demoted again Professor of stupid ideas that get publicity

November 29, 2018 Craic & Codology

Following the success of its recent rushed schools repair programme, the government has announced that all future schools will be built to this new standard. Basically, schools will be built of scaffolding covered with a soft mesh, without any annoying inner dividing walls or precast concrete outer walls that could be dangerous. Teachers – or… Read more »