September 6, 2018 Craic & Codology

By our political correspondent M T Chambers Following the success of the drone ban and the no-fly zone during the papal visit, the Government has announced plans to extend these bans to Leinster House. “The ban on drones and the introduction of the no-fly zone were highly successful,” said a spokesperson, “to such an extent… Read more »

September 6, 2018 Craic & Codology

CLOSING DOWN SALE! All items previously the property of the Great British taxpayer now on offer due to persistent EU intransigence. 1,000s of incredible knock-down prices including: • Channel Tunnel – yours for only €50! • UK factories (set of 10) – just €5 each! • Buckingham Palace – an absolute giveaway at €14.99! •… Read more »

September 6, 2018 Craic & Codology

By Tick Tock THE IRISH Government has announced that it is to gift the ‘Speaking Clock’ to the people of Northern Ireland. “There will be two versions”, according to Minister for Foreign Affairs Simon Coveney, “to be called The Orange Clock and An Clog Glas”. Depending on the date and time, callers to The Orange… Read more »

September 6, 2018 Craic & Codology

TV PRESENTER Pat Kenny has said that he is “absolutely delighted” with the latest change to his role at Virgin Media Television, formerly TV3. “Unlike all my earlier weekly shows, which dealt exclusively with current affairs, this exciting new programme will focus once a week on all the latest political issues and current affairs,” said… Read more »

September 6, 2018 Craic & Codology

by Our Retail Staff  Phil Trolley DUBLIN LOOTERS reacted angrily last night after dramatic social media footage allegedly showed crowds of shoppers inside a recently refurbished Lidl supermarket in the southwest of the city. “It’s a disgraceful situation when free-for-all shopping is openly on display,” said one local hooligan. “Hordes of people are just wandering… Read more »

September 6, 2018 Craic & Codology

SMURFIT KAPPA VENEZUELA

September 6, 2018 Craic & Codology

• The Good Fight, RTÉ Two, 9.30pm One woman’s battle with the system as she sets out to become the only face on RTÉ television and the only voice of RTÉ radio. Harrowing stuff featuring Miriam O’Callaghan and, er, no one else. • Killing Leo, RTÉ Two, 9.30pm An ambitious young politician makes his way… Read more »

August 23, 2018 Craic & Codology

By our arts and entertainment correspondent – Donal Lynch-Mobbe The several people who admitted to watching his new tv show — Brendan O’Connor’s Time Up — have said that after watching it, they just wanted to curl up into a ball and die. Commenting on viewer feedback O’Connor said: “Well, the guests are totally in… Read more »

August 23, 2018 Craic & Codology

The Vatican has announced that the following people will be canonised by Pope Francis during his visit to Ireland: Norah Casey The saintly Norah will be recognised for her tireless work on behalf of the coping classes and her miraculous ability to generate buckets of publicity out of thin air. Mary McAleese The former president… Read more »

August 23, 2018 Craic & Codology

Fellow Irish devotees, saintly greetings to my countless religious fans. Yes, it’s Francis here – literally – for more sold-out stadium gigs with his legendary “jolliness”. As always, I come in complete humility as the infallible leader of the world’s 1.3 billion faithful. So who’s your spiritual daddy, eh? Pontiff festive fever is everywhere. Commemorative… Read more »

August 23, 2018 Craic & Codology

1 Stretch Skoda – Pope Francis, President-for-Life Michael Twee, entire Cabinet 2 Prison Van – Mary McAleese, Ms Panti Bliss, “Say Nope To The Pope” protesters, etc 3 Mobile Mortuary – Mr B Howlin and small band of Labour TDs 4 Pop-Up PR Media Bandwagon – Conor Pope, Maeve Sheen, assorted born-again religious hacks, etc…. Read more »

August 23, 2018 Craic & Codology

By Dee Lete MINISTER for Culture Josepha Madigan has again called for the immediate regulation of social media, amidst growing alarm over people criticising or slagging off politicians (Surely denigrating free speech? – Ed) Minister Mad Again says her warning has “nothing to do” with the fact that social media users constantly bring up her… Read more »

August 23, 2018 Craic & Codology

83% – increase in sales of Buckfast and Pot Noodle during month of September 2000% – rise in applications for fake IDs 92% – surge in angry listeners contacting Joe Duffy about drunk young people 68% – drop in students taking phone calls from their parents during academic year 55% – decrease in those eating… Read more »

August 23, 2018 Craic & Codology

Favourite film: The Invention of Lying  Favourite song: Poison, Alice Cooper  Favourite TV show: The Big C Favourite band: The Killers  Favourite food: Whopper  Favourite river: The Nile  Favourite game: Double-dealing  Favourite colour: Whitewash  Favourite exercise: Spin  Favourite snack: Just deserts  That new Garda HQ

August 23, 2018 Craic & Codology

Fresh from the news that Gerry Adams is to publish a cook book, Michael Lowry has announced that he has just signed a two-book deal with Revenue Publishing. His first book, How my books were cooked, has already been published and will shortly be followed by a second –  How My Goose is Cooked –… Read more »

August 23, 2018 Craic & Codology

By social affairs correspondent Goldie Fawn A spokesperson for the Pontiff has refuted suggestions that Pope Francis will meet Nora Casey, Ireland’s most photographed woman. Casey who has regularly— if not exactly relevantly — appeared on our TV screens and whose picture has appeared more often than any other woman in (her own) magazines has… Read more »

August 9, 2018 Craic & Codology

By Dee Pressed THOUSANDS of angry Ryanair passengers expressed fury at the airline’s desks around the world yesterday, after their flights were not cancelled. The passengers took off on schedule and arrived exactly on time at airport within a day of where they wanted to go. Said one fuming passenger in Switzerland, “It was appalling!… Read more »

August 9, 2018 Craic & Codology

As the Irish presidential race gathers more hopefuls, seven more totally serious candidates have entered the picture: 1. June Rodgers – Panto Queen 2. Twink – Panto Queen 3. Gavin Lambe-Murphy – Remember him? 4. “Mattress Mick” Flynn – Sleep-solution magnate 5. Dr Eva Orsmond – OK, she’s from Finland but why not? 6. Richie… Read more »

August 9, 2018 Craic & Codology

Animal-lovers throughout the country have welcomed the arrival of an August silly season story at Dublin Zoo. There was immediate speculation last night that the traditional holiday story might possibly have escaped from a nearby media circus. Some local residents in the vicinity of the Phoenix Park expressed concern about the safety of their families,… Read more »

August 9, 2018 Craic & Codology

Favourite Film: Ruthless People  Favourite Song: Our House – Madness  Favourite TV Show: Decimate  Favourite Sport: Boxing clever  Favourite Band: Lone Star  Favourite Animal: Vulture  Favourite Food: Dough  Favourite Exercise: Kicking out  Favourite Magazine: Hustler  Favourite Instrument: Doldrums

August 9, 2018 Craic & Codology

The world of football punditry has been rocked to its foundations by the news that the author of such seminal works as ‘Matt Busby, Baby,’ and ‘Keen’ has finally retired from RTÉ. “I always agreed with whatever Gilesy said so, when John left RTÉ, I had nothing of my own to contribute,” he admitted before… Read more »

August 9, 2018 Craic & Codology

• Time Out with Brendan O’Connor: RTÉ One, 9.35PM Yes, RTÉ have given Brenny Hill another programme! The Corkman interviews luminaries such as  Majella O’Donnell and Michael Harding. Who knows? Maybe even Bertie will show up!

August 9, 2018 Craic & Codology

by Our Political Staff Martin Wail ARE you terrified? You should be. The latest Brexit negotiations have been marked by a wave of scare-mongering media reports about the catastrophic prospects of a No-Deal exit from the EU. These dramatic stories have been spreading far and wide into all corners of the national media. Editors are… Read more »

August 9, 2018 Craic & Codology

Saturday: 10.00: Received at Dublin airport by Taoiseach Leo Varadkar. Brace for sock-related photo op. 10.01: Vow never to fly Ryanair again. 10.35: Get cornered by Marty Morrissey and promise to pray for RTÉ. 11.00: Take phone call from Blessed Bono and receive blessing followed by advice on how to address world hunger, war, discrimination,… Read more »

August 9, 2018 Craic & Codology

Two women and a branded umbrella were called in before the Joint Oireachtas Committee on Communications regarding the content moderation policy of violent and harmful content on Facebook. The women were there to answer questions. The umbrella was there for cover. The Marker Hotel announced that were very happy with the coverage that the umbrella… Read more »

August 9, 2018 Craic & Codology

Kitt | verb • To saturate the front pages of newspapers with ridiculous filler stories. E.g. “Who do they think all those lazy hacks are kitting with that awful filler rubbish about some musician complaining that Dublin rents are too high?” Duff | adjective • Irish slang expression to describe someone who affects manners and… Read more »

August 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

FAI chief John Delaney is reported to have contacted the GAA to request the use of Semple Stadium in Thurles for another soccer benefit match. “This time the game will be between Bray Wanderers and Limerick” said Delaney. “As you know, both sets of players went a while there without getting paid. In a way,… Read more »

July 26, 2018 Craic & Codology

By Pól Corr SINN FÉIN has called on Micheál Martin to drop his controversial policy of abstentionism. The Cork South-Central TD has come in for considerable criticism following his decision to abstain from this year’s presidential election. This follows on from Fianna Fáil’s continued boycott of the European Parliament, failure to contest elections north of… Read more »

July 26, 2018 Craic & Codology

Eoghan Murphy It’s the Sahara Desert for me! Everyone knows how much I love wide open spaces. My colleagues often remark how I encourage people to look up and see the wonder of the moon and stars without the impediment of a roof over their heads. Magic! Micheál Martin I’m actually going to stay in… Read more »

July 26, 2018 Craic & Codology

Company: Ryanair again Aircraft: Airplane Date: Friday 13th (Wouldn’t you just know it!) What was it this time?: Emergency landing, passengers petrified. Oddly, nothing to do with pissed customers, pilots on strike, stranded passengers, etc… Summary of investigation: Investigators believe a multitude of factors contributed to the situation, most notably high pressure in the cabin… Read more »

July 26, 2018 Craic & Codology

1. New Brexit Secretary to continue sending EU officials into deep sleep 2. Gove to stab Boris in the back again before he causes more trouble 3. Insist that warring Tory factions are really best friends 4. And that the Irish Border fiasco will be a great success 5. Hint at another billion for Mrs… Read more »

July 26, 2018 Craic & Codology

Favourite film: Total Recall Favourite song: Holiday, Madonna Favourite TV show: Getaways Favourite detective: Columbo Favourite animal: Tamil Tigers Favourite exercise: Kickbacks Favourite food: Gravy Favourite magazine: The Advocate Favourite hobby: Alms taking Favourite colour: Red-handed

July 25, 2018 Craic & Codology

By Jay C. Bee IN THEIR latest astounding discovery, archaeologists excavating at Newgrange, Co Meath, have dug up three more candidates for the Irish presidency. The finds were made when excavators “plumbed the very depths”, according to leading archaeologist, Professor Luis Stones. “They are unique, pre-historic fossils that have possibly become un-henged over time,” says… Read more »

July 12, 2018 Craic & Codology

TAOISEACH Leo Varadkar has defended the government’s modus operandi as it continues to seek support for an Irish seat at the UN Security Council. The campaign began with invitations issued to every ambassador in the world to attend a U2 concert in New York amid reports that further face-to-face meetings with Bono were already being… Read more »