November 1, 2018 Craic & Codology

You can’t trust those Fianna Fáil bastards Those Blueshirt bastards are not to be trusted But they’re still preferable to the Shinners You can say that again So the best approach is to buy time …and votes By cobbling together the usual guff in the national interest Always works a treat It’s Leo’s best hope… Read more »

November 1, 2018 Craic & Codology

One in three Irish drinkers has binged on alcohol in the past year, says a new Healthy Ireland survey. Binge drinking is defined as having six or more standard drinks in a single session – the equivalent of three pints of beer. But the really shocking news ish that thish figure could be, hic, shet… Read more »

November 1, 2018 Craic & Codology

Name: Fintan O’Toole Publication: Irish Times Category: Broadsheet cat litter tray Entry: You simpletons need not fear my superior intellect Name: Brendan O’Connor Publication: Sunday Independent Category: Sunday bog roll Entry: Any fool can lose weight. But writing about it every week requires commitment. Name: Paul Williams Publication: Irish Independent Category: Fairy tales for adults… Read more »

November 1, 2018 Craic & Codology

Long, long, long ago last week, when Ireland was a land tormented by great uncertainty, there was said to exist in the northern reaches of the island, a magical creature known as the Backstop. The only one of its kind in the entire world, everyone spoke about the wondrous animal, which many claimed would cure… Read more »

November 1, 2018 Craic & Codology

Former president Mary Robinson is standing firm on her call for people to go vegan to tackle climate change. The long-standing campaigner, who runs a climate justice foundation in her name, said she was determined to spread her message about the carbon footprint danger. Speaking in to The Hague yesterday, the former UN High Commissioner… Read more »

November 1, 2018 Craic & Codology

Luas surfing Rush hour contact sport that can be played by up to 1,000 players who risk life and limb grappling with addicts, drunks and school tours on the tram. Points and pay outs are awarded for serious injuries for victims who are prepared to go to the courts. Borderdancing Traditional British folk dance involving… Read more »

November 1, 2018 Craic & Codology

Republic of Ireland boss Martin O’Neill says preparations are “already well under way” for his side’s crucial encounter with Denmark in November. “We are using video technology a lot,” the manager reassured. “And Roy now has actual footage of where every player lives and how to get there. “So if we need to boost anyone’s… Read more »

November 1, 2018 Craic & Codology

By our Paris Correspondent Mara Larlowe When my editor asked me for a few thousand words about the Jamal Khashoggi I knew, it placed me in a very difficult position. Should I write that I first met Jamal Khashoggi in January 1992, when we were both covering the military coup that prevented the Islamic Salvation Front winning parliamentary elections… Read more »

November 1, 2018 Craic & Codology

AS WINTER weather conditions set in and hospitals come under renewed pressure, a senior health service correspondent has said that the situation is veering out of control due to the increase in HSE crisis stories. “There simply isn’t room for the huge numbers of stories that are queuing up to get into the paper,” said… Read more »

November 1, 2018 Craic & Codology

Remembrance Sunday: BBC One, 10AM – David Dimbleby presents live coverage of commemorations at the Cenotaph in Whitehall. Join her Majesty Mary Lou McDonald, who will lead this year’s service, alongside Lady Liadh Ní Riada of Ballyvourney. Doing Money: RTÉ One, 9:30PM – One lucky millionaire manages to get his deposit back after a divisive… Read more »

November 1, 2018 Craic & Codology

Favourite film: The Great Escape  Favourite song: Final Countdown, Europe  Favourite TV show: The Commish  Favourite food: Gravy train  Favourite breakfast: Continental  Favourite number: Cushy  Favourite fruit: Plum  Favourite band: The Police  Favourite football club: Charleton  Favourite exercise: Walking the plank 

October 18, 2018 Craic & Codology

Embattled former minister Denis Naughten today launched a four-square riposte to his critics (Vlad) who forced his resignation. “I did not have four dinner engagements with David McCourt,” he insisted. “It was one dinner but spread over four occasions. First we had the starter. That took about three minutes. A week later we had the… Read more »

October 18, 2018 Craic & Codology

(Lyrics by L Varadkar. With apologies to Dave Bartholomew) You went away and left me a short time ago Now you’re knocking all day upon my door I hear you Naughten, but you can’t come in I hear you knocking, go back to Roscommon I begged you to go and you said goodbye And now… Read more »

October 18, 2018 Craic & Codology

• OPPOSITION (common noun) – Body of docile persons who always agree with the government. E.g. “The Fianna Fáil Opposition is totally committed to wholehearted support of Mr Varadkar’s administration on all issues.” • Leader of the Opposition (insubstantive noun) – Person who is even more in agreement with the government than his colleagues. E.g. “Micheál… Read more »

October 18, 2018 Craic & Codology

Official staff wing “I abhor these awful Dragons and their money-making schemes” Other family residences guarded by rabid Bernese mountain dogs Garage full of unsold copies of Michael D’s brilliant poetry books ATM cashpoint “Who says I’m doing nothing to combat homelessness?” Miggeldy making passionate speech criticising landlords

October 18, 2018 Craic & Codology

Since the dawn of time, this great little country on the edge of Europe has punched above its weight, to be or not to be, that is. The question I put to you now is, do you want your old lobbying washed down? Because it’s a grand day for the drying thank God and now… Read more »

October 18, 2018 Craic & Codology

Minister for gritted teeth: Regina Doherty Minister for martyrs: Frances Fitzgerald Minister for women’s liberation: Simon Harris  Minister for Noel Grealish: Joe McHugh  Minister for optics: Richard Bruton