March 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

Could your child be the next Northern Ireland secretary? Take this short, simple test to find out if he/she has what it takes to be the next Karen Bradley? Does your child: Think Dublin is in Wales? Stare blankly into space when talking to you? Prefer to walk backwards? Round off the day with breakfast?… Read more »

March 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

Leo Varadkar and Mary Lou McDonald are in serious danger of being voted off top tv show Dancing on Thin Ice. “The dancing duo have dialed up their dalliance ever since Vlad had a falling out with his main dance partner, Meehawl,” according to Vlad’s spokesperson PR Guffe, “Strictly speaking, Vlad did not have confidence… Read more »

March 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

KEITH FLINT THERESA MAY Famous for Firestarter Famous for firefighting Prodigy frontman Brexit straw woman Achieved mainstream success Achieved nothing Critically acclaimed Critics claim she needs to go Hardcore breakbeater Irritates hardcore Brexiteers Crazy make-up Makes it up as she goes along Energetic and charismatic Lethargic and charmless Originally a dancer Always out of step

March 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

Theresa Brexit: Everyone in UK rushes over to Europe and then rushes back again to argue amongst themselves before rushing back over again and then back to… Boris Brexit: Kind of Brexit where everyone in the UK leaves the real world entirely, while simultaneously going nowhere. Bollocks Brexit: The attorney general’s Brexit – an extension… Read more »

March 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

Now that that one former British paratrooper is to be charged in connection with the deaths of civilians on Bloody Sunday in January 1972, it is of some comfort that the UK Secretary for Defence has acknowledged the courage of all the soldiers involved in the killing of 13 people on that day. Earlier official… Read more »

March 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

The world of parliamentary farce was rocked with laughter yesterday when the EU unilaterally announced that it was dropping the backstop. “Yes,” said EU spokesperson Johann Bach-Stoppe. “We are replacing the word backstop with the word frontfoot. Other than that, nothing else will change”. Welcoming this bold new initiative, UK PM Theresa May said that parliament… Read more »

March 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

Favourite film: Yes Man Favourite song: Bad Romance, Lady Gaga  Favourite TV show: The Apprentice  Favourite animal: Fawn  Favourite food: Treacle  Favourite insect: Sycophant Favourite town: Blarney  Favourite exercise: Bowing and scraping  Favourite dog: Poodle  Favourite fabric: Flannel 

March 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

It is with great regret that we see our Irish friends sniping at us as we soldier on with hosting the Eurovision Song Contest. These boycott calls that have exploded on the scene have been levelled at Israel unjustifiably. Allegations about our alleged treatment of our Palestinian neighbours have been blown up out of all… Read more »

March 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

WHAT YOU NOW CAN’T SAY ABOUT HOZIER: I found Take Me to Church a tad self-indulgent actually He isn’t exactly prolific with his one album every five bloody years, is he? Given how much he cares about the homeless, what’s he doing swanning around America? Bet he ends up like Bono, lecturing us all WHAT… Read more »

March 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

By Una Mullawful For me, the Brexit turmoil brings back the awful memories of my harrowing childhood in the republican ghetto of south Dublin. Virtually all aspects of my life were caught up in showing support for ‘the cause’.  Nowhere was this more evident than in school. Each subject in the educational curriculum was geared… Read more »

March 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

Americans were “following every precaution and remaining behind closed doors” last night as the threat of Storm Conor continued to hang over the country. The latest trail of destruction saw one man have his mobile phone swept from his grasp and smashed on the ground by what the nation is calling “the most notorious accumulation… Read more »

March 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

Republic of Ireland gaffer Mick McCarthy says he is confident that his players know exactly what they have to do as he approaches the opening Euro 2020 qualifiers against Gibraltar and Georgia. With no room for friendlies and training limited to just a few sessions, many fans feared the squad would struggle to take on… Read more »

March 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

Lionel Messi has been named Irish Player of the Year by the Football Association of Ireland (FAI). The Barcelona ace said he was “absolutely thrilled” with the honour but also slightly confused, having never donned the green jersey in his career. An FAI spokesperson said the decision to award the Argentina captain was part of… Read more »

March 7, 2019 Craic & Codology

THE Catholic Church has been rocked by new revelations that a religious sub-culture may exist at the Vatican. According to reports, there is a shadowy circle in the Church hierarchy who openly say Mass and engage in intense prayer sessions for hours at a time. “Obviously, there’s a lot of back-scratching and self-congratulatory orgies,” says… Read more »

March 7, 2019 Craic & Codology

1st Driverless Caravan Peter Casey, Liam Neeson, Ivan Yates, taxi drivers and assorted populist pundits 3rd Ecumenical Bandwagon Mr Fintan Tool, Mrs Mary McAleese, Ms Mary Robinson and Ms Sharia O’Connor 4th-Rate Stretch Limousine Lifesize cardboard cut-out figures of 32 smirking government ministers currently abroad on urgent business in various exotic hot-spots (That’s enough parade…. Read more »

March 7, 2019 Craic & Codology

TAOISEACH Leo Varadkar has pledged that additional investments will continue in a number of essential national projects, including the country’s largest drain. Speaking on Newstalk radio this morning, Mr Varadkar admitted that government agents had made “scandalous” mistakes in estimating the costs of the National Drain, which is situated in Dublin on the controversial St… Read more »

March 7, 2019 Craic & Codology

Should the UK remain a member of the EU? YES [ ]  NO [ ] Are you absolutely sure, seeing as the earlier referendum was such a total fiasco? YES [ ] NO [ ] Should the UK adapt the Norway option, allowing everyone to live in Norway, where people are much better off? YES… Read more »

March 7, 2019 Craic & Codology

By Phil Space Unlike everyone else paying tribute to the great composer and conductor on this very sad weekend, I will never remember the moment when I met André Previn. The intense feeling of excitement when he walked onto a stage was something I never experienced. Indeed, it’s all the more difficult to encapsulate the… Read more »

March 7, 2019 Craic & Codology

Former justice minister Alan ‘Allah’ Shatter says he hopes his vindication by the Supreme Court that he wasn’t “even half as bad as some people might have made out”, will “bring hope to victims of torture, oppression and demonisation throughout the world”. “If even one victim of injustice languishing in a cell takes courage from… Read more »

March 7, 2019 Craic & Codology

by Our Rail Correspondent Dee Lais THE controversial MetroLink plan through Ranelagh is now expected to be shelved indefinitely due to growing opposition from local residents. Despite the National Transport Authority’s initial claims that the €3 billion project would boost the economy by an enormous made-up number, prominent political figures have been lining up to… Read more »

March 7, 2019 Craic & Codology

Denis’s worried face says it all. A hard-working trillionaire and media mogul, he has now been left with a hefty legal bill after losing his defamation action against the Sunday Business Post. He needs all the help he can get and it’s up to us to provide it. As the man who gives us such… Read more »

March 7, 2019 Craic & Codology

There is growing alarm over a disturbing new online phenomenon known as “the Fine Gael challenge”. Voters have been advised to exercise caution if they encounter any of the brief clips, which usually feature the likes of Leo Varadkar, Josepha ‘MoMo’ Madigan and Simon Coveney spouting guff and urging the viewer to vote for their… Read more »

March 7, 2019 Craic & Codology

by Our Diplomatic Staff Hans Shake FOLLOWING the latest summit between Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un, the North Korean leader declared the meeting a success. Before returning by train to Pyongyang, Mr Jong Un told reporters: “The American dotard is a power-mad despot. We speak the same language, so everything went exactly to plan… Read more »

March 7, 2019 Craic & Codology

Donald Trump’s former personal lawyer, Michael Cohen, has stunned Congress by revealing that the president is “not to be fully trusted”. Among the other sensational disclosures, Mr Cohen also alleged that: The president wasn’t a very nice person He didn’t always think before he spoke Trump sometimes bullied those around him He wasn’t completely faithful… Read more »

March 7, 2019 Craic & Codology

• I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER – Documentary about a group of trainee priests hitting the nightclubs around Rome. TV3 9pm • FIGHT CLUB – Behind the scenes look at life in the Social Democrats. RTÉ One 10.30pm

March 7, 2019 Craic & Codology

The world of Irish politics was rocked last night after no one resigned from the national executive of the Social Democrats. The shock development follows on from the controversy surrounding council election candidate Ellie Kisyombe’s backstory. “I have been backed into a corner and left with no option but to remain on the national executive,”… Read more »

March 7, 2019 Craic & Codology

Calls were growing last night for the occupants of a very large house in Dublin to be “incentivised” to downsize and make the premises available for urgently needed social housing. The building, known as Leinster House, is widely considered “a waste of space” by all who have seen it. Said one neighbour, “I believe a… Read more »

March 7, 2019 Craic & Codology

Boys Article 50 Banthehandpass Trawler Mad Boris Backstop Girls Brexitannia Materoverspend Brussels Backing Tusla Mildfortimeofyear

March 7, 2019 Craic & Codology

It’s ludicrous even to consider removing a man who has been doing a really good job against all the odds! We need more people like brave Arrizabalaga in football, even if he had to stay there for ever and ever. – John Delaney, CEO, Fossil Association of Ireland. The back-up keeper is the real hero… Read more »

March 7, 2019 Craic & Codology

Schmidt Storm This thoroughbred jumper has found the going very tough in 2019 having lost ground to his opponents. While still considered to have a kick, many experts are now accusing him of being a one-trick pony. Shattered Dreams This bad-tempered nag is considered to have had a complete ’mare since 2014 when he was… Read more »

February 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

Taoiseach Leo Varadkar has offered an apology to the Dáil after a government construction project came in on time and under budget. The shocking development comes after costs for the National Children’s Hospital have sky rocketed to €23 trillion. “Despite endless searching, we were unable to find a tender that would go wildly over budget,”… Read more »

February 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

In this brilliant new edition of the legendary board game, you must try to carry out an operation whilst contending with endless controversies and distractions, including a nurses’ strike, children’s hospital overspend, protests outside Simon Harris’s house and general disintegration of the health service. It’s just like the real thing!

February 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

With the hit RTÉ show having determined Leo Varadkar’s metabolic age, its latest test measures the expected level of bolloxology from leading personalities versus their actual output. PASCHAL – Weight: 22 stone Bolloxology levels dramatically greater than expected, especially in relation to explanations of cost over-runs at national children’s hospital. Chronic addiction to sugary PR…. Read more »

February 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

AND IN that land there dwelt an ambitious woman of culture and occasional piety named Josepha who was known for her angelic voice and radiant presence. At an early age, she had a dazzling vision of the future and chose to join a self-righteous religious order led by the Blessed Vlad of Varadkar. This saintly… Read more »

February 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

By Our Health Staff Anna Din THE HSE was plunged into renewed crisis last night when new figures were released showing that some low-price tenders for additional construction projects on the controversial children’s hospital are delayed for “up to 28 weeks” before being processed. Said one irate building contractor, “I was sure that my highly… Read more »