March 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

Lionel Messi has been named Irish Player of the Year by the Football Association of Ireland (FAI). The Barcelona ace said he was “absolutely thrilled” with the honour but also slightly confused, having never donned the green jersey in his career. An FAI spokesperson said the decision to award the Argentina captain was part of… Read more »

March 7, 2019 Craic & Codology

THE Catholic Church has been rocked by new revelations that a religious sub-culture may exist at the Vatican. According to reports, there is a shadowy circle in the Church hierarchy who openly say Mass and engage in intense prayer sessions for hours at a time. “Obviously, there’s a lot of back-scratching and self-congratulatory orgies,” says… Read more »

March 7, 2019 Craic & Codology

1st Driverless Caravan Peter Casey, Liam Neeson, Ivan Yates, taxi drivers and assorted populist pundits 3rd Ecumenical Bandwagon Mr Fintan Tool, Mrs Mary McAleese, Ms Mary Robinson and Ms Sharia O’Connor 4th-Rate Stretch Limousine Lifesize cardboard cut-out figures of 32 smirking government ministers currently abroad on urgent business in various exotic hot-spots (That’s enough parade…. Read more »

March 7, 2019 Craic & Codology

TAOISEACH Leo Varadkar has pledged that additional investments will continue in a number of essential national projects, including the country’s largest drain. Speaking on Newstalk radio this morning, Mr Varadkar admitted that government agents had made “scandalous” mistakes in estimating the costs of the National Drain, which is situated in Dublin on the controversial St… Read more »

March 7, 2019 Craic & Codology

Should the UK remain a member of the EU? YES [ ]  NO [ ] Are you absolutely sure, seeing as the earlier referendum was such a total fiasco? YES [ ] NO [ ] Should the UK adapt the Norway option, allowing everyone to live in Norway, where people are much better off? YES… Read more »

March 7, 2019 Craic & Codology

By Phil Space Unlike everyone else paying tribute to the great composer and conductor on this very sad weekend, I will never remember the moment when I met André Previn. The intense feeling of excitement when he walked onto a stage was something I never experienced. Indeed, it’s all the more difficult to encapsulate the… Read more »

March 7, 2019 Craic & Codology

There is growing alarm over a disturbing new online phenomenon known as “the Fine Gael challenge”. Voters have been advised to exercise caution if they encounter any of the brief clips, which usually feature the likes of Leo Varadkar, Josepha ‘MoMo’ Madigan and Simon Coveney spouting guff and urging the viewer to vote for their… Read more »

March 7, 2019 Craic & Codology

Former justice minister Alan ‘Allah’ Shatter says he hopes his vindication by the Supreme Court that he wasn’t “even half as bad as some people might have made out”, will “bring hope to victims of torture, oppression and demonisation throughout the world”. “If even one victim of injustice languishing in a cell takes courage from… Read more »

March 7, 2019 Craic & Codology

by Our Rail Correspondent Dee Lais THE controversial MetroLink plan through Ranelagh is now expected to be shelved indefinitely due to growing opposition from local residents. Despite the National Transport Authority’s initial claims that the €3 billion project would boost the economy by an enormous made-up number, prominent political figures have been lining up to… Read more »

March 7, 2019 Craic & Codology

Denis’s worried face says it all. A hard-working trillionaire and media mogul, he has now been left with a hefty legal bill after losing his defamation action against the Sunday Business Post. He needs all the help he can get and it’s up to us to provide it. As the man who gives us such… Read more »

March 7, 2019 Craic & Codology

by Our Diplomatic Staff Hans Shake FOLLOWING the latest summit between Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un, the North Korean leader declared the meeting a success. Before returning by train to Pyongyang, Mr Jong Un told reporters: “The American dotard is a power-mad despot. We speak the same language, so everything went exactly to plan… Read more »

March 7, 2019 Craic & Codology

Donald Trump’s former personal lawyer, Michael Cohen, has stunned Congress by revealing that the president is “not to be fully trusted”. Among the other sensational disclosures, Mr Cohen also alleged that: The president wasn’t a very nice person He didn’t always think before he spoke Trump sometimes bullied those around him He wasn’t completely faithful… Read more »

March 7, 2019 Craic & Codology

• I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER – Documentary about a group of trainee priests hitting the nightclubs around Rome. TV3 9pm • FIGHT CLUB – Behind the scenes look at life in the Social Democrats. RTÉ One 10.30pm

March 7, 2019 Craic & Codology

The world of Irish politics was rocked last night after no one resigned from the national executive of the Social Democrats. The shock development follows on from the controversy surrounding council election candidate Ellie Kisyombe’s backstory. “I have been backed into a corner and left with no option but to remain on the national executive,”… Read more »

March 7, 2019 Craic & Codology

Calls were growing last night for the occupants of a very large house in Dublin to be “incentivised” to downsize and make the premises available for urgently needed social housing. The building, known as Leinster House, is widely considered “a waste of space” by all who have seen it. Said one neighbour, “I believe a… Read more »

March 7, 2019 Craic & Codology

Boys Article 50 Banthehandpass Trawler Mad Boris Backstop Girls Brexitannia Materoverspend Brussels Backing Tusla Mildfortimeofyear

March 7, 2019 Craic & Codology

It’s ludicrous even to consider removing a man who has been doing a really good job against all the odds! We need more people like brave Arrizabalaga in football, even if he had to stay there for ever and ever. – John Delaney, CEO, Fossil Association of Ireland. The back-up keeper is the real hero… Read more »

March 7, 2019 Craic & Codology

Schmidt Storm This thoroughbred jumper has found the going very tough in 2019 having lost ground to his opponents. While still considered to have a kick, many experts are now accusing him of being a one-trick pony. Shattered Dreams This bad-tempered nag is considered to have had a complete ’mare since 2014 when he was… Read more »

February 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

Taoiseach Leo Varadkar has offered an apology to the Dáil after a government construction project came in on time and under budget. The shocking development comes after costs for the National Children’s Hospital have sky rocketed to €23 trillion. “Despite endless searching, we were unable to find a tender that would go wildly over budget,”… Read more »

February 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

In this brilliant new edition of the legendary board game, you must try to carry out an operation whilst contending with endless controversies and distractions, including a nurses’ strike, children’s hospital overspend, protests outside Simon Harris’s house and general disintegration of the health service. It’s just like the real thing!

February 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

AND IN that land there dwelt an ambitious woman of culture and occasional piety named Josepha who was known for her angelic voice and radiant presence. At an early age, she had a dazzling vision of the future and chose to join a self-righteous religious order led by the Blessed Vlad of Varadkar. This saintly… Read more »

February 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

By Our Health Staff Anna Din THE HSE was plunged into renewed crisis last night when new figures were released showing that some low-price tenders for additional construction projects on the controversial children’s hospital are delayed for “up to 28 weeks” before being processed. Said one irate building contractor, “I was sure that my highly… Read more »

February 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

With the hit RTÉ show having determined Leo Varadkar’s metabolic age, its latest test measures the expected level of bolloxology from leading personalities versus their actual output. PASCHAL – Weight: 22 stone Bolloxology levels dramatically greater than expected, especially in relation to explanations of cost over-runs at national children’s hospital. Chronic addiction to sugary PR…. Read more »

February 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

NO NEW DEVELOPMENTS WHATSOEVER There was nothing new to report today as the search continued to find a solution to the Brexit impasse between the UK and the EU. ON OTHER PAGES What will happen next? We don’t know – p2 Is José Mourinho about to take charge of Brexit – p3 Tasty post-Brexit recipes… Read more »

February 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

GUINNESS marketing executives have claimed that the launch of Guinness Clear (0% Alcohol, 100% Bullshit) means anything is now possible. The new product is the latest brand from Diageo’s experimental Open Chequebook Brewery, where many products aimed exclusively at hipsters have been developed to varying degrees of success. Lagers such as Cool Mountain Cash-In and… Read more »

February 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

Awright geezas!, Gawdon Bennet, wot a pile ov grief I’ve ’ad scratchin’ me loaf whether to tog out fer jolly ol’ Engerland or fer Éire! I’d all the faaamly wadin’ in wiv advice like ya wouldn’ Adam an’ Eve! Then Oirish Mick come round wiv the normal Keano, an’ the gaffer Gareth Southgate’s only been… Read more »

February 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

Exclusive to all newspapers Demands are growing across the real world and in Britain and America for a major investigation into Irish actor Liam Neeson’s past. The calls follow suspicions that the deranged thespian may have shot civil rights leader Martin Luther King, poisoned Nelson Mandela and drowned Shirley Bassey before almost certainly strangling Black… Read more »

February 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

“Listen to reason. I grew up in Derry in an ordinary family where we all had to pull our weight. My DNA is exactly the same as all this so-called Traveller DNA. We’re both Irish, so where does all this talk about ethnic status come from, eh? I’m completely in favour of equality – which… Read more »

February 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

Fears are growing for the safety of dozens of tame bears wandering aimlessly in the wilderness. The species, Fianna Fáilus, were once feared throughout their native land, but a dramatic change of climate in 2008 devastated their natural habitat. This resulted in the mammals becoming utterly toothless and being struck in perpetual hibernation. They are… Read more »

February 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

AS I sit down at my agreeable writing desk to create my daily Irish Times column, I am wondering what on earth I can say about Brexit that I have not already said. But, in a sense, that simple conundrum goes right to the very core of the UK’s sadly misguided crisis in these uncertain… Read more »

February 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

As part of his new RTÉ series, the legendary architect and self-promoter looks at the homes of leading personalities. SIMON HARRIS Clearly the home of someone with a high-pressure job – Simon’s stress levels are added to by the fact he’s completely useless at it. A notable feature is the massed rank of protestors outside…. Read more »

February 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

In a shock U-turn, doctors have warned ill patients to no longer rely on touching the hem of an Irish rugby international, or even on praying to Johnny Sexton. Following the Grand Slam win and the All-Blacks defeat, many doctors referred patients to training grounds across the country with a prescription to touch anyone or… Read more »

February 7, 2019 Craic & Codology

by Our Dublin Staff Anne R Key AS IRELAND teeters on the brink of political crisis over Brexit, General Leo Vladuro of the Ruling Party has again threatened to send thousands of troops to the disputed Northern Irish border. The move is seen as an attempt to oppose UK leader Prime Minister Mayuro’s plans to… Read more »

February 7, 2019 Craic & Codology

IN RECENT times, in common with all other publications, we may have led some readers to believe that we saw the Ireland rugby team as a sort of collective deity. We understand that some headlines – such as ‘Schmidt’s Super Trojans’, ‘Ireland’s Sporting Titans’ and ‘Green Gods Set for Global Domination for Generations to Come’… Read more »