June 13, 2019 Craic & Codology

The Irish government has announced the following sanctions on their Scottish counterparts over the issue of Rockhall: Daniel O’Donnell to be prohibited from touring Scotland Rod Stewart to be prevented from using Ireland as a cash cow Proclaimers to be made walk 500 miles Tourists to be informed that Braveheart was made here Caitríona Balfe… Read more »

June 13, 2019 Craic & Codology

Ireland soccer fans have hailed Mick McCarthy’s second managerial reign following the recent games against Denmark and Gibraltar, unanimously agreeing that the playing style is much easier on the eye. “Under O’Neill we’d play it long up field and lose the knockdown to let our opponents attack us in waves,” said one hungover supporter. “Now… Read more »

June 13, 2019 Craic & Codology

This week, fast snack expert Ian Bailey delivers a pizza his mind. As west Cork’s top pizza maker, I take great pride in sourcing the ingredients myself out in the local fields. Some sceptics (mostly French people) are suspicious of where I get the goods. They suggest there is something fishy about my dishes and… Read more »

June 13, 2019 Craic & Codology

At a time when Irish people are looking forward to some fine summer weather, it’s worth remembering those individuals whose futures are not so bright. Take Gayle, for instance. She once had it all. From her heady days as Dublin’s most glamorous socialite, with her own fabulous column in the soaraway Sindo, her career really… Read more »

June 13, 2019 Craic & Codology

Investigations are continuing into recent security breaches at the Football Association of Ireland. The attack from Danish sources resulted in a huge number of leaks, particularly in the Irish midfield. One disgruntled Ireland fan bemoaned the lack of urgency on the FAI’s part in dealing with the culprits. “It’s mind-boggling that this situation is tolerated…. Read more »

June 13, 2019 Craic & Codology

Eoghan Murphy who art on another planet, Hollow be thy name. Thy backbenchers come in and thy will be done in when Leo is reshuffling. Give us this day our daily waffle; and forgive squatters their trespasses, as we forgive those vultures who trespass against us; and lead us not into homelessness, but deliver us… Read more »

June 13, 2019 Craic & Codology

Ireland soccer fans have hailed Mick McCarthy’s second managerial reign following the recent games against Denmark and Gibraltar, unanimously agreeing that the playing style is much easier on the eye. “Under O’Neill we’d play it long up field and lose the knockdown to let our opponents attack us in waves,” said one hungover supporter. “Now… Read more »

June 13, 2019 Craic & Codology

Gardaí have advised females travelling through Irish airports following reports of an elderly man appearing to shadow a young girl at Dublin airport. The man, described as “tall, angular and bald as a coot”, was wearing an expensive-looking blue suit. Witnesses say he made no attempt to conceal his actions as he tracked closely behind… Read more »

May 30, 2019 Craic & Codology

Mary Lou ‘Posh Spice’ McDonald has been slammed for not showing up for a recent series of concerts. The much-hyped Local and European Tour turned sour, with allegations that her once-popular group were singing the same old tune over and over again and offering nothing new to fans. Audiences were not impressed with the lack… Read more »

May 30, 2019 Craic & Codology

Boris Johnson’s campaign manager Leader of Sinn Féin Brexit negotiator Advisor to Nigel Farage Swing supervisor Hard border customs officer Dundalk IT exam co-ordinator Cough bottle brand ambassador

May 30, 2019 Craic & Codology

By C Saw A Fine Gael TD say she intends to “sue everyone” amidst claims she has suffered severe discomfort as part of a swing towards Fine Gael in the last general election. Maria Bailey says she has endured “years of painful public representation” and continues to suffer “dagger looks on the side” when out… Read more »

May 30, 2019 Craic & Codology

The government has unveiled a suite of green initiatives to combat climate change following the recent election results: Leo Varadkar to swap skiing jacket for lagging jacket Removal of deadwood from cabinet (Eoghan Murphy, Simon Harris etc) Frances Fitzgerald to be upcycled to Europe Independent Alliance to be told to get on their bikes More… Read more »

May 30, 2019 Craic & Codology

My name is well known in Parisian and indeed French circles, yet I have never felt any inclination to visit the place. To be frank about France, I don’t think Paris does justice to its reputation – or anyone else’s for that matter! Here are some good reasons why I prefer to stay in west… Read more »

May 30, 2019 Craic & Codology

Leo Haze Known as the ‘posh boys’ weed’, it has a distinctive ‘leafy suburb’ aroma, but has an unedifying tendency to get up your nose. Guaranteed to put you in a spin. Brexiteer Blue Dream Easily recognisable by its very extended leaves, which can last for years and years. Advocates recommend it as the ideal… Read more »

May 30, 2019 Craic & Codology

STARTERS Grope Juice and Scrambled Ego Irish Toadie-In-The- Hole Brown Nose Sauce Greenbacks (with everything) MAINS Duck à la Exceptionally Orange  Fake Stews and Fishy Fingers Poussin (grabbed) Prawn Total Crackers Porky Pies TWEET TROLLEY Fruity Tart With No Dressing Walls ice-cream JUST DESSERTS (Im)peach mints TO DRINK Stormy (Jack) Daniels Those shared living spaces in… Read more »

May 30, 2019 Craic & Codology

Murphysoriasis (noun): A condition affected on the skin due to the act of rubbing shoulders with others through the practice of living at very close quarters for extended periods of time. Eg: I see poor Seán has caught a dose of the ol’ Murphysoriasis from that shared-living craic! Scraping the Bailey (colloquial): Failure resulting from… Read more »

May 30, 2019 Craic & Codology

A young Dublin woman is following in her father’s broadcasting footsteps by becoming a guest reporter on a weekly fashion and beauty programme. On other pages: Glamour pics of the young woman Profile of her more famous father Raunchy pics of the other presenters. Phwoarr! Why the woman is very talented by Phillipa Page Why… Read more »

May 30, 2019 Craic & Codology

The legendary Mick O’Leary has shocked the world of racing by announcing that Gigglestown House Stud is to be wound down. Who will ever forget the impact of his stable of national hunt champions including Priority Q, Hand Luggage, Overhead Locker, Taxi Licence and Terminal One. Many wonder why O’Leary has decided to leave the… Read more »

May 30, 2019 Craic & Codology

The Football Association of Ireland has announced that Noel Mooning (Are you sure this is right? – Ed) is to replace John Delaney on a temporary basis. Delaney is to undergo a HIA (head injury assessment) on the basis that, as former head of the FAI, his reputation and credibility suffered serious injury. It is… Read more »

May 16, 2019 Craic & Codology

May 16, 2019 Craic & Codology

The recent UN report on a million species being in danger of extinction has focused the minds of Fianna Fáil candidates. They will desperately seek to impress on voters that European intervention is crucial to reversing this impending catastrophe. “It’s the single biggest issue facing mankind”, says a party spokesman. “The world cannot afford to… Read more »

May 16, 2019 Craic & Codology

WITH just days left before Irish citizens go to the polls in EU and local elections, younger voters have taken to social media to express their growing frustration with all of the main political parties. “Everyone of these useless candidates is exactly the same – ie totally pathetic and in it for what they can… Read more »

May 16, 2019 Craic & Codology

Dublin MEP candidate Gemma ‘Tweety Pie’ O’Doherty says she had “no choice” but to contest the European Parliament elections to prevent Dublin buses being “completely taken over by jihadist Muslims claiming social welfare and eating native children”. The Independent candidate says plastering her image on over a dozen buses in the capital succeeded “for now… Read more »

May 16, 2019 Craic & Codology

Candidates in this year’s local and European elections have claimed that they are using a revolutionary new material on which to print their election posters, leaflets etc. According to its inventor Mr Phillip ‘Philly’ Buster, the material, called ‘Waffle Board®’ is capable of holding huge amounts of information with which to bamboozle (Surely ‘educate and… Read more »

May 16, 2019 Craic & Codology

Non-Starters Waffle with Syrup Creep Suzettes Baloney (on a bed of Savoury Lies) From the Gravy Train Tripe (on pig’s back) Selection of Porkies Steamed up Has-Beans Grilled Opposition Tikka (whole lotta nerve) Rich Pickings Off the Trolley Fruits (of office) Butter-up Pudding with Fudge Sauce Jammy Dodgers Humble Pie (off) To Drink Red-face Whines

May 16, 2019 Craic & Codology

“It would be an absolute honour to represent the people of Derry.” Mark Durkan “I don’t want to talk about my sexuality or winning the Rose of Tralee.” Maria Walsh “A smart business suit for those trips to Strasbourg – yes, please!” Mick Wallace “No, I’m not really a great one for social media.” Luke… Read more »

May 16, 2019 Craic & Codology

Favourite film: Mr Nobody  Favourite song: I’ll Be Leaving Soon, The Outlaws  Favourite TV show: Rescue Me  Favourite band: Modest Mouse  Favourite animal: Paper tiger  Favourite food: Milquetoast  Favourite colour: Vanilla  Favourite instrument: Humdrum  Favourite game: Hardscrabble  Favourite clothing: Buckle

May 16, 2019 Craic & Codology

There was concern across Ireland last night as observers reported a rise in European and local election candidates inflicting injury on themselves. Said one alarmed commentator, “It seems that every hour another one of them self-harms his election prospects by making rash promises and completely underestimating the voters’ intelligence. “I saw one poor misfortune shoot… Read more »

May 16, 2019 Craic & Codology

7am: Can the dead return to haunt us?: The baldy lad interviews a rogue psychic who predicts the Labour Party will win seats in the upcoming elections. 7.45am: How to avoid self-esteem meltdown at election time: The blonde girl chats to guests who have met Peter Casey but went on to live normal lives. 8.40am:… Read more »

May 16, 2019 Craic & Codology

How to Live Better for Longer – RTÉ One, 9.35pm: Dr Eva Orsmond discovers how easy it is for Irish politicians to radically change their lifestyles by simply jumping on board the EU gravy train.

May 16, 2019 Craic & Codology

By our media correspondent Gissa Quoteguv Gardaí have confirmed that investigations are continuing into what has become known as the Quirke case. The investigations are being conducted by a special branch of the media known as the Tabloid Tecs, led by a group known simply as The Editors. These desperate Tabloid Tecs are under huge… Read more »

May 16, 2019 Craic & Codology

Many people living in rural Ireland still have no choice but to purchase ‘dirty books’ for their pornography requirements because of the poor state of rural broadband, according the latest research. Said one blind researcher in the Midlands, “Behind the statistics and the fuss over the costs of the National Broadband Plan lie human beings… Read more »

May 16, 2019 Craic & Codology

The Stormont parties have agreed that the Executive will be restored on the following conditions: Irish government to reschedule those cancelled Garth Brooks concerts Marriages of convenience to be outlawed (Tories and DUP etc) Hector Ó hEochagáin to be appointed Irish language ambassador to the unionist community Jim Allister to be decommissioned Ian Paisley Jr… Read more »