June 27, 2019 Craic & Codology

Britain’s future PM tells it like it isn’t Phworr! What a totally historic time for Bojo to finally take his rightful place in the No 10 hot seat. And let me just pay tribute to my distinguished predecessor, Mrs Mayday, who has been an eminently exceptional Tory leader and has coped pretty brilliantly, despite not… Read more »

June 27, 2019 Craic & Codology

9am to 9pm curfew on Danny Healy-Rae emitting any more hot air. More recycling of fossilised ideas from Shane Ross, Richard Bruton etc. Any toxic Garda behaviour to be buried very, very deep. Suggestions emitted by Micheál Martin to be doused in cold water and allowed decompose naturally. More wind turbines far from where ministers… Read more »

June 27, 2019 Craic & Codology

Leo Varadkar recently wrote to Madonna asking to pose for a photo and also the opportunity to collaborate on an album along with some showbiz pals. Tracks include: Maudlin (solo by Leo) God Control (featuring John Delaney) No Future (with assorted backbenchers) Crave Power (featuring Kate O’Connell) Butch I’m Loco (with Murph) Looking for Mercy… Read more »

June 27, 2019 Craic & Codology

Once seen and heard sticking its beak in here, there and everywhere, this fly-by-night creature has now been reduced to just one disconsolate member, according to observers. “It has been brought close to extinction by its resilient predator, the Leowl,” says one expert in has-been species who preferred to remain anonymous for fear of retribution…. Read more »

June 27, 2019 Craic & Codology

The Iranian government has confirmed that it was responsible for bringing down a high-flying drone. The noisy robot, one of the ‘Donald’ range, was thought to be cruising at an altitude of “several lies per minute” when it was knocked off course and its ratings were seen plummeting to earth. There is little detail about… Read more »

June 27, 2019 Craic & Codology

MIDLANDS Love Island sensation Maura Higgins says she “dearly hopes” her performance on the reality television show will inspire her native Longford footballers to “go out and get what they so dearly want, what they need”. The 28 year old has wowed viewers with her tenacity and determination to come out on top of every… Read more »

June 27, 2019 Craic & Codology

Tacky reality show in which a group of extrovert contestants pretend to be close friends. Behind the scenes, they are all secretly trying to screw one another every chance they get. Viewers will be watching avidly tonight to see if Leo will eventually come clean about taking any drugs during his university days. Is this… Read more »

June 27, 2019 Craic & Codology

by our Health Correspondent Seth Downe IN A shocking new development, the Minister for Health Spending, Simon Harris, has announced that the Irish health service will face yet another crisis from next week. “It’s true,” he confirmed. “I have been advised that, from next week, every hospital in the country will be occupied by patients…. Read more »

June 13, 2019 Craic & Codology

By Philly Space In a shock escalation of tensions, the Scottish government has threatened to “send in th’ ba’pipes” to prevent Irish fishermen from fishing the waters around Rockall. The threat to unleash a “wailing war” in the disputed waters has alarmed international observers, with UN Secretary General António Fishguterres labelling the situation “extremely worrying”…. Read more »

June 13, 2019 Craic & Codology

Pressure was growing on Sinn Féin last night as the whereabouts of dozens of voters, who went missing without trace during its recent campaign, continued to raise questions. Commentators now claim the number of ‘disappeared’ may be in the “tens of thousands” – many of whom left their homes on election night to vote for… Read more »

June 13, 2019 Craic & Codology

Exclusive extract from ‘Frenzy and Betrayal…’ Readers of my earlier best-selling memoir, Totally Vindicated, will know that I have always had the utmost regard for Enda Kenny, from the first moment when he showed such acute political judgement by promoting me to senior public office as Minister for Defence and Justice. Few people – even… Read more »

June 13, 2019 Craic & Codology

Hotel-style adult swing. Complete with ‘easi-hold’ ropes, polished wooden seat and user pack comprising instruction manual (including braille version) safety instructions, list of solicitors specialising in personal injuries claims, a do & don’t public relations checklist – plus a free bottle of Baileys Irish Cream as a no-claims bonus. One careless user. Price €6,000

June 13, 2019 Craic & Codology

An Irish Central Banker says people opposed to restoring performance bonuses in the banking sector are “effectively perpetrating the greatest abuse of children’s rights in the history of time” and are pre-empting the “mass degradation of the most innocent in society”. Central Bank governor Philip Lane explains that many bankers are “family men with no… Read more »

June 13, 2019 Craic & Codology

By our defence correspondent – Major Problem Following the success of Maria Walsh, former Rose of Tralee and ex member of the Reserve Defence Forces (RDF), in winning a seat in Europe for Fine Gael, thousands of disgruntled members of the Irish army are threatening to pack up their tents, leave the army and fight in the… Read more »

June 13, 2019 Craic & Codology

Maul: Post-match celebration Pack: Collective name for media types asking awkward questions Conversion: Changing the story for the pack Passing: Thing you do through the kidneys Bonus: When some splashes on the other leg too Fly half: Part of the trousers that’s undone

June 13, 2019 Craic & Codology

Maths: 1. Using contemporary evidence, calculate to the nearest 5,000 how many trolleys will be required for Irish hospitals in winter 2030 if Simon Harris remains Minister for Health. 2. How many miles high would Johnny Ronan have to build an Eoghan Murphy-inspired shared living space to accommodate half the homeless people in Ireland by… Read more »