October 3, 2019 Craic & Codology

A deepening sense of doom spread across Ireland last night as astrologists and music fans alike realised the full horror implied by a quatrain written by the world’s greatest seer 500 years ago. Nostradamus’s Quatrain 96.7FM reads: “The joker Rose of Mont will be without shekel. The big moustache will lose its music and all… Read more »

October 3, 2019 Craic & Codology

Britain’s PM tells it like it isn’t – yikes! What an absolute hoo-ha over a complete shower of fuddy-duddy judges ganging up on Bozza and saying that I told a lot of porkies to the queen. Tosh and poppycock! Otherwise, it’s been all go preparing for a top-notch Brexit deal that has the full backing… Read more »

October 3, 2019 Craic & Codology

by Our TV staff Dee List An early evening entertainment programme featuring fashion, beauty and showbiz gossip is being shelved after 12 years on the air. On other pages C-list celebs from the very first show C-list celebs from the final show 250 pictures of farewell party Full-colour pics of presenters, Karen Gosh, Cassie Glitz… Read more »

September 19, 2019 Craic & Codology

Yellowhammer scare-mongering! Britain’s PM tells it like it isn’t What a terrific tip-top week for yours truly in the midst of the political maelstrom and coming out smelling of roses on all fronts! Talk about out-smarting the Westminster oiks and fighting the deadly enemy on the backbenches just like my great hero, Winston C! If… Read more »

September 19, 2019 Craic & Codology

THE starry-eyed expression and familiar smirk speak volumes about his troubled period. Although he has done everything humanly possible to avoid publicity, Joe (his real name) has been experiencing unspeakable dangers over recent times. Despite a lifetime of selfless service to the public at large, the cautiously restrained GAA expert has just had to endure… Read more »

September 19, 2019 Craic & Codology

Ardie Haka Weighing in at just under 37 stone, the New Zealand No 10 shirt is a force to be reckoned with. Haka has already carved out a successful career for himself by converting opposing wingers from well within his own 20-yard line. Yutaka Sushi The host nation’s livewire full back will be expected to… Read more »

September 19, 2019 Craic & Codology

by Our Entire Staff With the Rugby World Cup just days away, unparalleled numbers of Irish fans are erupting in a frenzy of eager anticipation. Sports minister Shane Ross has strongly advised supporters travelling to Japan over the next month to make themselves fully aware of local culture and customs. Shane’s Top Tips For Travellers… Read more »

September 19, 2019 Craic & Codology

Reaping what you sow: Labour Party meitheal Milking it: Maria Bailey co-operative Making a pig’s ear out of everything: Farmer Eoghan Murphy Making hay while the sun shines: Landlord gang Letting grass grow under feet: Farmer Harris Producing bull manure: Farmer Johnson

September 19, 2019 Craic & Codology

Are you keen on maintaining an uncontaminated environment? Then worry no more, thanks to the amazing Grealish Sponge The only heavy-duty cleansing agent you’ll ever need! Home-grown product guaranteed to get rid of all undesirable matter Mops up unwanted spillages, including trickles of Syrians into Galway West Specially designed to absorb the floating vote at… Read more »

September 19, 2019 Craic & Codology

By Mai Grant THERE IS growing pressure on Noel Grealish to resign from his Dáil seat following a series of controversial statements and embarrassing evidence of cult-like behaviour in the past. During a public meeting about the proposed opening of a direct provision centre in the TD’s constituency in Co Galway, several members of the… Read more »

September 19, 2019 Craic & Codology

Creed Veteran punk who is heavily inspired by Meat Loaf. Creed has been singing the same old tune for quite some time now and his choreography is regarded as hopelessly out of step. The House Martin Desperately ambitious crooner who could be running out of time to revive his flagging career. Needs a big hit… Read more »

September 19, 2019 Craic & Codology

Storm Phil Known for very dark clouds and likely to play havoc with water supplies. Threatening gloom across British Isles as it mingles with the trade winds. Cyclone Roy The most unforgiving pattern of all, typically recognised by an icy chill giving way to extremely deep frost, prone to vicious cold snaps and culminating in… Read more »

September 19, 2019 Craic & Codology

Mir.i.am – the TV presenter formerly known as Miriam O’Callaghan – has revealed (phwaor! – Ed) that she is tip-toeing back to the church. “It’s true,” she says. “I cannot lie. I have been making secret visits to my local church on my own in order to light candles with just a film team from… Read more »

September 19, 2019 Craic & Codology

HSE Ask us any question you like on the night and immediately receive a two-line summary of why we think you shouldn’t know the answer even if it was our fault… which it wasn’t. Éir Why not make a weekend out of it by dialling us on Friday for some assistance and waiting until Sunday… Read more »

September 19, 2019 Craic & Codology

Favourite film: World War Z Favourite song: Invaders Must Die, The Prodigy Favourite TV show: Empire Favourite animal: Hawk Favourite food: Yellowcake Favourite weather: Desert Storm Favourite strike: Pre-emptive Favourite exercise: Arms race Favourite hobby: Smoking guns Favourite plant: Bush

September 19, 2019 Craic & Codology

The Keith Barry Experience – RTÉ One, 9.35pm: Join magician Keith Barry as he shrinks RTÉ’s audience share before your very eyes. He will also attempt to hypnotise programme schedulers into giving him another series. The Restaurant – Virgin Media One, 9.00pm: Phil Hogan reminiscences about the time he made a meal out of water… Read more »

September 5, 2019 Craic & Codology

by Our Financial Staff – Phil Coffers A PROMINENT political party leader based in West Belfast today collected one of the biggest-ever lottery wins in recent years. At a public ceremony in the city centre, a smiling Michelle O’Neill received a cheque for £1.5 million (€1.65m) on behalf of a syndicate known as Sinn Féin…. Read more »

September 5, 2019 Craic & Codology

Motoring Expert Shane Ross’s Guide to Futuristic Driving Q. Is Irish motoring changing radically? A. Absolutely! Beyond recognition thanks to the latest progressive initiatives by the transport minister. Q. Will self-drive cars be available soon? A. Yep! It’s happening right now with ministerial vehicles in Leinster House. Q. Are these new eco-friendly government models likely… Read more »

September 5, 2019 Craic & Codology

Coping with Climate Change Montrose documentary that asks the vital questions. Will RTÉ disappear beneath the waves as viewers drift away? Why is Ray D’Arcy’s audience shrinking faster than was thought? How much more hot air can we expect from Brendan O’Connor? Is it possible to limit Maura and Daithí’s emissions? The Daniel and Majella… Read more »

September 5, 2019 Craic & Codology

Parents across Ireland say they will strongly resist any attempt to make Simon Harris compulsory. “Simon would be a great shot in the arm for the country for decades to come,” noted one FG lackey yesterday, while another observer noted that the baby-faced minister “very easily gets under the skin”. Parents, however, are strongly opposed… Read more »

September 5, 2019 Craic & Codology

By Terry-Bell Cad RELATIVES of the late Jeffrey Epstein say his name is being “dragged unfairly through the mud” and insist the disgraced pervert moneybags “had no idea” that Prince Andrew was a member of the British Royal Family. Speaking from one of the late paedophile’s two dozen yachts, the relative explained, “Jeffrey was no… Read more »

September 5, 2019 Craic & Codology

Favourite Film: Hamburger Hill Favourite TV show: The Price is Right  Favourite Band: The Flying Pickets Favourite Song: Can’t You Hear the Cows, The Turtles Favourite Comedian: Angus Deayton Favourite Hobby: Bullfighting Favourite Food: Curry favour Favourite Exercise: Hand-wringing Favourite Politician: Jack Straw Favourite Body Part: Calf

September 5, 2019 Craic & Codology

GOLFER Rory McIlroy stood accused last night of having little regard for the livelihoods of journalists. The accusations followed the County Down man’s $15m victory in the FedExpensive Cup in Atlanta. The win side-swiped commentators, who had been poised to knock out mocking articles highlighting the latest disastrous underperformance from the golfer. “I’d already factored… Read more »

September 5, 2019 Craic & Codology

Micheal Martin Rugby is very like politics, with lots of mauling and dragging guys down. I’ll be watching the props in particular – the better I become at propping up, the longer I’ll have a job. Shane Ross If we protect our wicket like I know we can, then I’m sure the goals will come… Read more »

September 5, 2019 Craic & Codology

An occasional service to readers offering selected meanings of words that have suddenly become newsworthy Prorogue To discontinue a session of (a parliament or other legislative assembly) without dissolving it. Pro rogue To be supportive of a rogue (a dishonest or unprincipled man).

September 5, 2019 Craic & Codology

To celebrate the success of their Dublin store, Krispy Kreme has announced a limited edition range for the Irish market: The Schmidt This Kiwi-infused concoction is roundly panned thanks to its increasingly flakey constituency. Could be treated to an absolute battering. The Deasy Crusty lump of dough that never goes well with Coffey. The traditional… Read more »

September 5, 2019 Craic & Codology

By Archie Ologist GEOLOGISTS say damage to an ancient fossil skull found in Ethiopa may have been caused by a member of a notorious, warrior tribe known as the McGregorians. The skull had a large section of jaw missing, which was “typical of the kind of damage inflicted by a single blow from a McGregorian,”… Read more »

September 5, 2019 Craic & Codology

Oliver Cromwell Boris Johnson Roundhead Pig-headed Beheaded King Decapitated Theresa May Suspended Parliament Suspended Parliament Hated the Irish Really Hates the Irish Genocidal Maniac Egomaniac Sacked Wexford Sacked Old Cabinet Puritanical Pure Chancer

September 5, 2019 Craic & Codology

Their wide-eyed gaze, unruly hair and brave smiles speak volumes about their troubled lives. Frank and Theresa (their real names) have faced the most horrendous pressures recently. Sadly, the former Late Late Show pianist and his wife, an ex-RTÉ presenter, are guilty of nothing more than running up debts to the tune of €3.7m. Cruelly… Read more »

September 4, 2019 Craic & Codology

Britain’s new PM tells it like it isn’t Bozza here! Just reminding you what a totally top-notch job I’m making of this whole Prime Minister thingy. Well, it wouldn’t actually be ultra-hard after Mrs Mayhem’s totally shambolic efforts. Anyway, you know, I’m not one for blowing my own trumpet, but yours truly has certainly hit… Read more »

August 22, 2019 Craic & Codology

By Environment Correspondent – E. Missions ENVIRONMENTAL groups around Europe have praised Ryanair for its “tremendous contribution to the environment” in the wake of the company’s industrial difficulties. “Everyone knows that air travel is a significant contributor to air pollution and Ryanair has long led the way in dissuading people from flying entirely,” smiled Welsh… Read more »

August 22, 2019 Craic & Codology

CALLING ALL HOLIDAY-MAKERS! Still planning on taking a late summer break this month? Why not take your holiday right here at home where you can enjoy a week in the hot spot that everybody’s talking about? Staycations have never been more popular, so why not pack your bags and the kids – and head to… Read more »

August 22, 2019 Craic & Codology

Non-Starters Cripes Suzettes True-Blue Cheese Steamed-up Fruits of Office ***** Fishy Course Burnt Fingers du jour with old beans ***** Mains Cold Cuts of Duck a l’Orange issue Peas in our time (unavailable) Cooked Goose with Union Jack(et) Potatoes (Served on a bed of own making)Off the Trolley Soft Border Fudge Right Eton Mess Steamed-up… Read more »

August 22, 2019 Craic & Codology

by Our Summer Filler Staff Phillipa Page FESTIVAL fever is at an all-time high right now as Kerry welcomes thousands of visitors to see who will become the 2019 Rose in this year’s 60th anniversary competition. As always, presenter Leo Varadkar will be on hand to upstage the contestants as they chat about their hobbies… Read more »

August 22, 2019 Craic & Codology

Advertisement From the makers of Paco Des Menaces, Farrago de Tales and Eau Non C’est Boris! comes an exhilarating new fragrance that will simply overpower you. A unique masculine fragrance that lets you project that traditionally British gentleman style. Guaranteed to get you ranting about Meghan Markle and other pushy immigrants destroying the UK. A… Read more »