March 26, 2020 Craic & Codology

Why wait until it’s all over? Buy the Covid-19 memento that everyone will want NOW and ensure that you, your children and your children’s genetically adjusted test-tube children have the ultimate keepsake for the future when the crisis is fondly recalled! Our ‘Leo-lectric’ kettles do not merely bear the full text of the Taoiseach’s Churchillian… Read more »

March 26, 2020 Craic & Codology

A new crisis has emerged due to the number of sanitised speeches and press releases coming from the government. It is believed that Paschal Donohoe, Regina Doherty and Heather Humphreys are among those infected. “We’re currently advising people to avoid any media appearances made by these individuals,” warned a HSE official. “Stay at least six… Read more »

March 26, 2020 Craic & Codology

Agony uncle Jack Torrance’s guide to quarantine with your family Day 1 It’s good to be emotionally prepared for these extended periods in familiar surroundings, but nothing beats spending quality time with loved ones. A rare opportunity to combine working from home, a little gardening and really getting to know your soulmate and children, who… Read more »

March 26, 2020 Craic & Codology

Make your time in quarantine a quaran-dream with this licensed Fine Gael jigsaw. Help put these men, usually in pieces themselves, back together. Jigsaws are proven to help alleviate: Anxiety Stress Existential fear of society as we know it disintegrating To be in with a chance of winning your own monogrammed ventilator, send a photo… Read more »

March 26, 2020 Craic & Codology

“We must all ask ourselves what we can do to help one another,” said Simon Harris at a press conference called to address the shortages of toilet paper. “After some reflection I realised what I could do, as health minister, to provide the greatest assistance.” Harris then unveiled a roll of toilet paper, each sheet… Read more »

March 26, 2020 Craic & Codology

18th century fashion to make dramatic return Still wondering how to maintain social distancing now that we are being ruled by King Covid the 19th? Look no further than the Court of Versailles in the mid 18th century, says social media influencer Golly Gosh. “From the mid 18th century, the fashions maximised your circumference, rather… Read more »

March 26, 2020 Craic & Codology

Uncle Joe here (Where have I heard that name before? Ed.) Now that I’ve clawed the Democratic candidacy from the leftist hands of Sanders, I’ll introduce you to the lovely ladies that I’m considering as my running mate. Annie Boddies: The former Ms Texas Barbecutie is hugely knowledgeable on foreign affairs, having had several with… Read more »

March 26, 2020 Craic & Codology

Exclusive to all Tabloids In a sensational press release that has sent shock waves throughout Ireland’s celebrity world, a woman who already has one young child revealed that she is pregnant again. On Other Pages: Full colour pics of blonde woman in bikini – p2-7 Readers experiencing nausea and morning sickness – p8-23 World as… Read more »

March 12, 2020 Craic & Codology

How worried should I be about the virus? We are still in the early stages of identifying successful treatments for the virus. In the absence of a vaccine, an overabundance of information is the next best thing. You should endeavour to consume as many fear-mongering, hyperbolised articles to help inoculate yourself against complacency. How dangerous… Read more »

March 12, 2020 Craic & Codology

The HSE has revealed its proposed float for the Patrick’s Day parade – a vast grain silo, adapted to fit thousands of gallons of hand gel affixed to the back of a former missile-carrier, purchased from an ex-Soviet state. The vehicle was intended to shower any nearby crowds with anti-bacterial gel to try to nullify… Read more »

March 12, 2020 Craic & Codology

Episode 2: When the chips are down Fascinating insight into how Ireland’s finest deal with tragedy as a sudden braking manoeuvre causes an entire chicken supper and French fries to scatter on to the floor and between the seats. It’s a race against time before the cold air renders them unpalatable. The situation calls for… Read more »

March 12, 2020 Craic & Codology

May 1952 Speaking as an angry baby, I am utterly disgusted by the total power imbalance apropos all these corrupt parental establishment fookers. I may know little about the world per se, but I know what it’s like to be bald and helpless, so I will make my presence felt day and night by non-stop… Read more »

March 12, 2020 Craic & Codology

Eoghan Harass Talk about crypto-fascist chickens coming home to roost! Everything I predicted about the Satanic Shinners is coming to pass. The warning signs were there in the run-up to the recent election. Massive murals of Mary Lou McDonald and her conniving associates suddenly appeared overnight, making our capital look ominously like Pyongyang. Over recent… Read more »

March 12, 2020 Craic & Codology

“The number of people infected with the virus has been roughly doubling week by week in most affected countries,” said health minister Simon Harris. “Now, I’ll be the first to admit that maths isn’t my forte,” he continued, unveiling a hastily constructed graph, “But if this rate of exponential growth continues, within approximately 10 weeks,… Read more »

March 12, 2020 Craic & Codology

By Emmet Baloney Amid speculation that Ireland’s crunch Euro playoff against Slovakia may have to be played behind closed doors due to coronavirus fears, there is now additional concern that Ireland may not turn up for the fixture. However, team boss Mick ‘Big Mick’ McCarthy has dismissed rumours that the team’s possible no-show is linked… Read more »

March 12, 2020 Craic & Codology

Goldhawk examines some of the favourites for this year’s Cheltenham festival: The Pianist Owned by Ireland’s most high-profile powerless couple, Frank McNamara and Theresa Lowe. The Pianist has been having a complete ‘mare over recent years and still has many hurdles to face. Verdict: Don’t bet the house on him. Are You Right There Michael… Read more »

February 27, 2020 Craic & Codology

Greetings from your ultra-liberal Pontiff. What freak weather events for the flock in Ireland. Yes, it is rare for God to comment on political matters, but I can tell you that he has verily expressed his views at the awful post-election tedium. But why have voters turned away from the Earl of Ross? An all-round… Read more »

February 27, 2020 Craic & Codology

Extracts from the upcoming ‘tell all’ book about political life in Ireland April 2011 – I was barely inside Leinster House when Enda came begging for my advice on running the country. Despite his countless limitations, Kenny sensed that I had the necessary flair to rescue Ireland’s richest citizens from the doldrums. July 2016 –… Read more »

February 27, 2020 Craic & Codology

I will arise and go now And go to AIB And settle a small dispute there That will save me financially And I shall have some peace then No more Virgin or TV3 Or shouting abuse at panelists Sure, t’was always about me.

February 27, 2020 Craic & Codology

Since the election there has been much political hand-wringing over the plights of assorted vulnerable groups, including cash-strapped renters, the cash-strapped homeless and the cash-strapped homed. However, among the pleas for parties to set aside their petty differences and form a government, it seems that the fate of one exposed but absolutely essential minority is… Read more »

February 27, 2020 Craic & Codology

A continuing threat to the elderly and infirm that shows no signs of disappearing – that’s right, my tenure as health minister continues. Unfortunately, it thus falls to me to lead our response to the spread of the Coronavirus. Affected countries are saying their hospitals are overcrowded, their resources stretched to breaking point, with widespread… Read more »

February 27, 2020 Craic & Codology

Following Ireland’s drubbing at the hands of the English, head coach Andy Farrell has conceded a new approach is needed. As such, the IRFU has decided to contract Bono as an ambassador and will be sending him to visit all upcoming opponents. “Morale in our camp was decimated after his visit,” explained Farrell. “It’s also… Read more »

February 27, 2020 Craic & Codology

RTÉ bosses say the recruitment of journalist Brendan O’Connor to replace the late Marian Finucane and to present a new TV panel show next summer “is clear evidence that the station is meeting the demands of younger audiences”. A spokesperson for O’Connor said, “Brendan is one cool daddy-o! Sure, he wears his suit with an… Read more »

February 27, 2020 Craic & Codology

Desperate efforts are continuing to re-float a bulk carrier that hit the rocks in the Emerald Isle. Reports say the carrier, known as the MV (Mostly Vacuous) Labour Party, came to grief after being all at sea for several years. “It was being towed along by a larger rust bucket the Finegael, but they became… Read more »

February 26, 2020 Craic & Codology

It’s funny how fads change from season to season. This time last year everyone was raving about animal prints; now it’s all about the Coronavirus. You can’t go a minute without hearing talk about it. Well, don’t worry, I’ve got the inside tips on how to look Corona-chic. Diamond-Encrusted Surgical Mask Featuring 12 diamonds, this… Read more »

February 13, 2020 Craic & Codology

by Groan Harris With our nation still mourning the demise of our perfectly functioning two-party political system, I sat down with Sinn Féin’s Mary Lou McDonald to discuss their electoral success. Groan Harris: Were you as shocked as I was to see how well Sinn Féin performed? Mary Lou: Honestly, it came as something of… Read more »

February 13, 2020 Craic & Codology

John Blandville’s latest book proposes a pet theory that the Queen and Princess Margaret were forced to flee from rural Ireland during the Second World War. Having briefly been sequestered in Tipperary to escape the Blitz, the royal children demurred, saying they felt as if they’d been “cast out of the frying pan and into… Read more »

February 13, 2020 Craic & Codology

Least-supportive candidate: Catherine Noone Most animated short: Brendan Howlin Best fantasy screenplay: Each party’s housing promises In memoriam: Regina Doherty’s political career

February 13, 2020 Craic & Codology

By U Ranus Astronomers have reassured the public that a ‘blue moon’ sighted over London last week is not a portent of doom and disaster. Thousands of consumers had been stocking up on vital supplies amidst fears that the deep blue orb in the sky signalled the gods’ plans to take revenge for some major… Read more »

February 13, 2020 Craic & Codology

John Delaney to FAI  Our parting was so cruel and swift Though some ghouls found it funny I‘d not survive being cast adrift Had I not got your money! ♥♥♥♥♥ Joe Brolly to RTÉ  Words were said, assertions made And I misused my tongue But I called every spade a spade And for that my… Read more »

February 13, 2020 Craic & Codology

Eamonn Holmes has revealed his struggle to come to terms with the amount of publicity Phillip Schofield has been receiving lately. “As an occasional presenter of This Morning, I thought I’d grown used to living in Phil’s shadow,” wrote Holmes in an emotional Instagram post. Yet, he went on to describe how he now feels… Read more »

February 13, 2020 Craic & Codology

By our rugby correspondent Sal R E Capp The RFU has announced that the England rugby team will withdraw permanently from the Six Nations Championship with immediate effect. “We decided that we will no longer abide by the rules of rugby as played by the other five nations. We will in future make up our… Read more »

February 13, 2020 Craic & Codology

EXCLUSIVE TO ALL POLITICAL PARTIES 1. The Six Nations diverted voters from the one outstanding election issue facing the country – namely, giving their first preferences to (insert party name here). 2. The media were completely against us from the start. 3. A lot of our traditional hard-core supporters seemed to be away on holidays… Read more »

January 30, 2020 Craic & Codology

Candidate: Brash stranger with inane grin who ruins your evening Party policy: Aspirational promise to do something that will never happen Cabinet: Large cupboard stocked with alcohol to blot out election nausea PR: Official party manifesto Doorstep pledge: Patent untruth Baby: Useful prop for candidate’s photo opportunity Manifesto: Literary term including fiction and fantasy genres… Read more »

January 30, 2020 Craic & Codology