October 31, 2019 Craic & Codology

Nightmare on Every Street A man gets a job as a taxi driver in Dublin and soon enters a nightmare world filled with obnoxious students, spontaneous projectiles of vomit, bankers, consultants and racists; where overworked gardaí take 25 minutes to arrive. Watch for the scene where a furious Roy Keane gets splashed. Night of the… Read more »

October 31, 2019 Craic & Codology

Why Are These Losers Still Breathing? by Our Sports Editor – Phil Backpage Ireland’s World Cup is well and truly over – back in the gutter after yet another disgraceful quarter-final mugging. But the big question is why oh why is Joe Schmidt’s overpaid pack of pampered failures still blatantly going about their daily lives… Read more »

October 31, 2019 Craic & Codology

by Our Environmental Staff – Phil Bucket Irish Water issued a renewed warning last night that the company is facing “a major shortage of excuses” over the coming months. A spokesperson for the waterless utility said: “We are currently experiencing an exceptional drought of credible reasons to explain why we have simply not been able… Read more »

October 31, 2019 Craic & Codology

LEBANON entered a worrying phase yesterday after a well-known Irish ‘celebrity poet’ was forced to evacuate from the capital Beirut as angry crowds gathered in the city. According to reliable accounts, Michael Twee, sometimes known as ‘The President’, had mentioned Galway 2020 and then volunteered to read some of his poetry. Panic set in. The… Read more »

October 31, 2019 Craic & Codology

Leo Varadkar Lightweight superhero and Cheshire cat masquerade. Watch your friends gasp in horror at the ghastly permo-fixed smirk. Arlene Foster Vampire bat mask and hard-faced scowl will transport you right back to the late 17th century. NOOOO! Jacob Rees-Mogg Victorian skull encased in top hat. See your family scream as Britain’s scariest Old Etonian… Read more »

October 31, 2019 Craic & Codology

SINN FÉIN has called on Micheál Martin to end his party’s deeply controversial policy of abstentionism. The Fianna Fáil leader has come in for sustained criticism following revelations that a number of FF TDs had failed to show up for key votes and arranged for surrogates to vote in their place. SF president Mary Lou… Read more »

October 31, 2019 Craic & Codology

By Dee Posers THE IRFU today confirmed that the country’s international players will be “fit and raring to go” in time for the winter clubbing season. Many of the country’s well-known representatives like to frequent Ireland’s trendiest hot spots and are much admired by ordinary revellers and glossy supplements as they pose with young women… Read more »

October 31, 2019 Craic & Codology

THERE WERE eyebrows raised in alarm at Dublin airport after Minister for Sport and Photo Opportunities Shane Ross failed to pop up when the Irish rugby team returned home after their World Cup 2019 exploits. (Surely debacle? – Ed.) As the players slipped furtively into the arrivals hall, keen-eyed observers were unable to locate the… Read more »

October 31, 2019 Craic & Codology

Joe Brolly to be relegated entirely from the RTÉ panel Remaining panellists to be allowed aggressively self-promote Leinster football championship to be dumped in the Sin Bin If referee is bundled into their car boot post-match, the losing team must pay for locksmith No more criticism of the Sky deal GAA to mark cards of… Read more »

October 16, 2019 Craic & Codology

BORIS: Let’s do it! Britain’s PM tells it like it isn’t – yikes! What an absolutely spot-on victory for yours truly in getting the Euro shower to think again before pointing the fickle finger of blame at poor old Bozza for everything. Just when Brexit disaster loomed, cue a hastily arranged get-together with our fair-weather… Read more »

October 16, 2019 Craic & Codology

RUGBY WORLD CUP JAPAN 2019 by Our Man in Tokyo Harry Kane The world of violent tropical storms was rocked to its foundations when an outbreak of international rugby threatened to ruin the arrival of Typhoon Hagibis in Japan. Local residents, who were forced to sit through 80 minutes of Ireland’s match with Samoa in… Read more »

October 16, 2019 Craic & Codology

This is Seán. Do not be fooled. Behind the smiling features and proud nose lies a tale of heart-breaking sorrow and impoverishment. Seán was once a titled personage and one of the richest men in Ireland. His greatest love (besides himself) was climbing. He reached the higher rungs on the social ladder and the upper… Read more »

October 16, 2019 Craic & Codology

The entire world held its breath last night as the wives of two well-known footballers had a row on social media. “We haven’t seen anything like this,” said one tabloid editor, “since yesterday.” On other pages: WAGS – assorted untalented women getting an awful lot of attention WAGES – footballers given ridiculous amounts of money… Read more »

October 16, 2019 Craic & Codology

by Our Social Media Staff Phillipa Page WAG investigator Coleen Rooney turns her attention to some of Ireland’s historical stories. Shergar’s Disappearance Countless theories have been put forward as to what happened to this champion racehorse back in 1983, with persistent rumours that Col Gadaffi was involved. However, after blocking everyone from viewing her Instagram… Read more »

October 16, 2019 Craic & Codology

There is an accepted practice in Japan that, when pedestrians wish to cross the street, they must first wait for the Green Man. These days nobody is waiting for the Green Man. All over Japan, the lights are going out on the little Green Men. It seems their batteries are dying in the humidity and… Read more »

October 16, 2019 Craic & Codology

Health 2,000 trolleys in hospital corridors to get new wheels over next 10 years, with the remaining 700 to be oiled. HSE apologies to be streamlined, with admission of culpability and compensation payments to be made six months earlier than in 2019. Environment Shane Ross emissions to be reduced by 50%. 15% increase in efforts… Read more »

October 16, 2019 Craic & Codology

IN THE latest controversy to impact on the White House, President Donald Trump has announced that he is “pulling the United States out of America”. Unveiling the surprise strategy while posing beside a range of Big Macs, Trump said, “It’s time America stood on its own two feet. America didn’t help us when we were… Read more »

October 16, 2019 Craic & Codology

Bo Ring Made her name in legendary home comedy productions like Drying Paint and Growing Grass and is considered a safe pair of jaws by station management. Even described by some as “Tubs in a skirt”. Kay Othic One of RTÉ’s rising young stars with a “zany zest for living on the edge”, says one… Read more »

October 16, 2019 Craic & Codology

City Council, City Council, where have you been? To the bank, to the bank, for the dispensing machine City Council, City Council, why were your bags so filled? So the frazzled lads on the site could continue to build. ………………… Simple Simon met a pie man back from A&E Said Simple Simon to the pie… Read more »

October 16, 2019 Craic & Codology

624 pink shirts 135 unopened letters from Revenue 1 large comb (unused) 1 bottle of Shannon duty-free whiskey 29 cases of Italian wines from ‘de brudder’ 1 single fare receipt for flight to Brussels 1 photo album – mainly Clare Daly 2 travel guides –‘Brussels on Expenses’ and ‘Strasbourg for Beginnners’ 2,717 written requests for… Read more »

October 16, 2019 Craic & Codology

• Darklands (Virgin Media) New, gritty drama focusing on a brutal gang war in a small Irish town. Violent and disquieting portrayal of a troubled teenage boy who dreams of becoming a ruthlessly aggressive MMA fighter. Trouble starts when his handlers pull off an audacious raid to capture the entertainment pages of every newspaper in… Read more »

October 16, 2019 Craic & Codology

Favourite film: When a Stranger Calls Favourite song: Would I Lie To You? (Charles and Eddie) Favourite TV shows: Scandi noir Favourite book: The Ego Has Landed Favourite bird: Gull Favourite sweet: Humbug Favourite exercise: Leg pulling Favourite food: Gammon Favourite psychological condition: Stockholm Syndrome

October 3, 2019 Craic & Codology

by Our Sports Staff Phil Corporate-Box In a sensational development, the FAI announced John Delaney’s resignation from his long-time position within the association. A brief statement confirmed that Delaney will take up a new post as IRFU executive vice-president (Bridging Loans Division) with immediate effect. Rugby supporters are coming to terms with the news, which sent… Read more »

October 3, 2019 Craic & Codology

Breakfast Egg chasers with hangers-on Full of beans around Joe Schmidt Toast after next election Lunch Buttering up IRFU Constantly in the soup Cheesy grin for photographers Dinner Brazen head of cabbage Fish out of water Pretentious ham Dessert Taking the biscuit Jammy dodger Creaming it as minister

October 3, 2019 Craic & Codology

By Ian O’Dotty, the fearless face of reason Surely it’s beyond time to stop this runaway Thunberg train in its tracks before it carries us all over the cliff edge of doom?! In my day, if you snapped back at your elders in the European Parliament you’d be sent to your room quick smart until… Read more »

October 3, 2019 Craic & Codology

Award tax cuts to our early rising friends in the corporate sector’s upper tiers naturally, but we simply must incentivise the proles to put in an extra effort by ring-fencing a guarantee that they will not be forgotten in Budget 2024, subject to Brexit. Read that back to me so I can hear how it… Read more »

October 3, 2019 Craic & Codology

The country’s highest-spending government departments last year Department of Justice: €9.6 billion Garda overtime on vital anti-kidnapping patrol duties in Cavan Breakdown and recovery of squad cars Legal fees re Denis O’Brien’s various court challenges CCTV of Maria Bailey’s swing Department of Transport, Tourism and Sport €3.6 billion Essential field hockey pitch works, Wesley College… Read more »

October 3, 2019 Craic & Codology

Some of our objective analysis may have given readers a misleading view of our estimation of the Ireland rugby team. Headlines such as ‘Schmidt’s wonders to win World Cup’ and ‘We need fear nobody in the final’ could have sparked a perception that we saw the national squad as brimming with brilliance and capable of… Read more »

October 3, 2019 Craic & Codology

by David McWilliams You don’t have to be a star celebrity economist like myself – although it helps, obviously – to see Budget 2020 for the weak-kneed semi-conscious creature that it is. Our mealy-mouthed finance minister, Paschal Donohoe, has always prided himself on being cautious and his latest strategy for the country’s public finances cowers… Read more »

October 3, 2019 Craic & Codology

by P.T. Mee Former justice minister Alan Shatter has revealed dozens of new injustices against him spanning his entire life, according to leaked legal letters addressed to the universe. The letter, in Mr Shatter’s handwriting, calls for hundreds of apologies, beginning with an incident in which three since-deceased childminders “forcibly denied me my liberty in… Read more »