January 16, 2020 Craic & Codology

Double Irish, Dutch Sandwich – Sale Ends Soon! One of our most popular sellers will be taken off the menu on 31 January, so get it while you can! – Contains: Bad eggs – Saving our bacon – Fishy dealings – Cheddar saved – Jammy arrangements “Better than the s**t sandwich of full corporation tax”… Read more »

January 16, 2020 Craic & Codology

LEO VARADKAR I’m really hoping to work on my fitness – not for political office, obviously – but to benefit my physical health and general well-being. Naturally, I’ll be focusing on improving my strokes in hot water. Meanwhile, my personal poll ratings continue to soar. ARLENE FOSTER In this period of change ahead for Northern… Read more »

January 16, 2020 Craic & Codology

Simon Harris shows off his certificate Well everyone, we’ve set a new record! I want you to all give yourselves a big pat on the back. If you can’t hoist yourself upright in your hospital bed/trolley, then ask a harried nurse or doctor to do it for you. When I found out trolley numbers had… Read more »

January 16, 2020 Craic & Codology

Met Éireann hopes that things will pass smoothly but is braced for potential damage due to: The forecasted return of a heavy shower of eejits Foggy thinking Hot air being blown at gale-force levels Chance of it all ending in floods of tears Issued: 22:00 Friday 10/01/2020 Valid until: The next minor scandal

January 16, 2020 Craic & Codology

8 February – Laser-light show honouring the kidnap of Shergar 27 June – Sychronised swimming show (sombre) remembering the burning of the Four Courts 3 September – Commemorative belly-dance (tasteful) for the death of Oliver Cromwell. Special guest dancer – Peter Andre 9 September – The releasing of 1,000 white doves, commemorating the death of… Read more »

January 16, 2020 Craic & Codology

by Phil Royal Pages There was widespread shock and disbelief yesterday when a celebrity married couple announced that they would be stepping down from their current part-time roles in Britain to spend more time on holiday in North America. Front pages devoted to the catastrophic Australian bushfires and potential war in Iran were immediately cleared… Read more »

January 16, 2020 Craic & Codology

Following Glenn Whelan’s claim that he has been “thrown under a bus” by new Hearts manager Daniel Stendel, the SPL club are believed to be interested in signing the vehicle in question.    “Parking that bus in front of our back four would replicate the effect Glenn had,” said a club insider. “We’ve also been… Read more »

January 16, 2020 Craic & Codology

There has been widespread consternation at the announcement that RTÉ will be cancelling Dancing With The Stars due to the cost of insuring the show having risen some 2,700%. “Shattered reputations, deflated egos and significant damage to public perception; with so many inherent risks we were left with no choice but to raise the premium,”… Read more »

December 12, 2019 Craic & Codology

Emergency services say there is “absolutely no hope” for a group of men trapped in a disaster zone in north-west Dublin after the roof fell in on them. The men were understood to be trying to put a house in order while building some new foundations at the premises in Abbotstown. One witness said that… Read more »

December 12, 2019 Craic & Codology

A READING FROM THE BOOK OF JOBS And at that time a man didst walk amongst the plain people by the name of Dara of Two Places. And many in the land calleth Dara a God, for verily it was said he hath the power to appeareth in two places at the one time. And… Read more »

December 12, 2019 Craic & Codology

0: Level of credibility left No.1: Who the FAI top brass looked out for 3: Sponsor that bolted 9: Cloud number John Delaney is on 22: The catch that the FAI finds itself in 90: Amount of craic the blazers have had over the years 2534: Year the association’s debts will be cleared 7,489: Times… Read more »

December 12, 2019 Craic & Codology

Farmers have vowed to bring their protests against the “murder of rural Ireland” to a new level of threat. Until beef prices increase, they will “refuse to pull into the side no matter how many cars are behind the tractor”. Every year dozens of drivers emerge after being stuck for weeks behind tractors and high… Read more »

December 12, 2019 Craic & Codology

To commemorate the recently successful vote of confidence in his work, Minister Eoghan Murphy is delighted to release this celebratory CD of his favourite festive numbers (though not including 10,417 and rising) as he refuses to change his tune. Happy Christmas (Voting’s Over) Fairytale of New Houses Rudolph the Red-Faced Minister I’ll be Home(less) for… Read more »

December 12, 2019 Craic & Codology

While Dublin City Council’s proposed €22m white water rafting project has attracted its fair share of criticism, it has now attracted support from within the legal fraternity. Phil McCoffers of Whip, Lash and Leggit described the plan as a “golden opportunity” for Dubliners. The personal injuries expert noted that “schemes that guarantee a good day… Read more »

December 12, 2019 Craic & Codology

BORIS JOHNSON WIG Frighten the life out of your loved ones this Christmas with the Boris Johnson wig. Simply place the lightweight floppy blond wig on your head and everyone will believe you are the Tory Party leader. Before you know it, you’ll be doing your Churchill impression and insulting single mothers and Johnny Foreigner… Read more »

December 12, 2019 Craic & Codology

December 12, 2019 Craic & Codology

Seasoned heads at FAI headquarters are reportedly “growing increasingly fearful and suspicious” as new interim Chief Beard Stubble Paul Cooke sets about re-organising and rejuvenating the beleaguered association’s bookkeeping regime. “I don’t like the look of this one little bit”, said long-time director Ben Hereforever. “He’s after throwing out all the pencils and erasers that… Read more »

December 12, 2019 Craic & Codology

Following the recent Twitter storm over BBC DJ Alex Dyke’s refusal to play Fairytale of New York on BBC Radio, after calling it a “nasty, nasty song”, Ian O’Doherty has just rewritten the lyrics to make them more acceptable to the hysterical PC (politically correct) thought police.  It was Christmas Eve, dear. Thought I’d wear… Read more »

December 12, 2019 Craic & Codology

Key Points: Team experienced difficulty adjusting to local customs (hardwork, modesty, organisation, etc) Language barrier prevented local media from communicating with Joe Schmidt and Rory Best Time difference played havoc with preparations as Irish side still thought it was 2018 IRFU blazers refused to renounce their divinity

November 28, 2019 Craic & Codology

Serious questions have been raised about Blueshirt Inc chief executive Elon Varadkar’s future at the helm of the company after an embarrassing gaffe at the launch of one of his brand new, hi-tech candidates. After criticising his rivals for their faulty products, Varadkar was left red-faced when a public demonstration went badly awry. For weeks,… Read more »

November 28, 2019 Craic & Codology

Number of people happy with the deal: 2 (maybe) Number of people who fully understand it: 0 Rise in Eoghan Murphy’s blood pressure: Through the roof Affordability of ‘affordable homes’: One national lottery win away Number of photos of some grinning minister cutting the ribbon after it’s all eventually sorted: 1,954,003 Profit for Richard Barrett… Read more »

November 28, 2019 Craic & Codology

Britain’s PM tells it like it isn’t Wed: Gosh! It’s election time and yours truly has hit the ground with all guns flying. Bojo is currently out and about on London’s backstreets meeting the ordinary decent voters in Belgravia and Knightsbridge. Even the proles can’t get enough of me. Not surprising, really, seeing as the… Read more »

November 28, 2019 Craic & Codology

Favourite film: Traveller  Favourite song: Caravan, Van Morrison  Favourite TV show: Big Fat Gypsy Weddings  Favourite nuts: Brazilian  Favourite food: Window dressing  Favourite star: Red Dwarf  Favourite exercise: Backtracking  Favourite body part: Cloth ears  Favourite politician: Haughty 

November 28, 2019 Craic & Codology

Key points of the Fianna Fáil/SDLP election manifesto: Mary Lou McDonald is a bit much, isn’t she? Lorraine Clifford-Lee to be hidden in the House of Lords  Timmy Dooley to be sent to the Falklands (one-way) Absolutely no references to Claire Hanna’s antipathy to Fianna Fáil Micheál Martin to stop saying Londonderry  Cringeworthy joint canvas… Read more »

November 28, 2019 Craic & Codology

Fine Gael by-election candidate Verona Murphy has called for the “immediate closure” of every crèche in Ireland amidst fears of “a jihadi uprising” by three to five year olds. “I am reliably informed that tens of thousands of these kids have been radicalised by Islamic extremists and are primed, even as I speak, to unleash… Read more »

November 28, 2019 Craic & Codology

Dee Forbes RTÉ’s head honcho will have to walk barefoot through a field of buffalo-dunged nettles while chewing on the larvae of dead cockroaches to remove the envelope bearing notice of a €2 licence fee increase from the maggot-festering intestines of a dead badger. Sickening humiliation. Danny Healy-Rae The Kilgarvan campaigner will consume 14 pints… Read more »

November 28, 2019 Craic & Codology

Beatific pre-festive greetings from Rome. Yes, Francis here in complete humility. As the leader of 1.3 billion faithful, I love to keep in contact with my Irish flock who are always in my infallible thoughts. What a joy to hear from my very good friend Mr Quinn, Ireland’s greatest living Catholic, who has been writing… Read more »

November 28, 2019 Craic & Codology

Lot 13: Marty Morrissey, Ray D’Arcy, Marian Finucane This three-piece collector’s item has long lingered within the Montrose storehouse and is of genuine antique value, dating from the test-card era. History of tender handling and comes to market due to high maintenance costs, fading veneer and attracting cobwebs. Original cotton wool included, but needs considerable… Read more »

November 28, 2019 Craic & Codology

My little Leo From the Inaction Man series, this current Taoiseach model could prove a surprise hit. The lightweight figure is fully adaptable with shifting eyes and a lovable two-phrase vocabulary. Use the pull-string to hear Leo say: “I want to take full responsibility” and “You can really trust me”. Already been on the shelves… Read more »

November 28, 2019 Craic & Codology

By Dee Sgustin In another sensational interview this week, Prince Andrew has defended his spending time with the royal family for years, despite public concern about their behaviour. The prince says he understands alarm among British tax payers over the number of children the family has been having, but says his loyalty “brought considerable benefits”… Read more »

October 31, 2019 Craic & Codology

Boris: Nil Desperandum! Britain’s head honcho tells it like it isn’t TRIPLE CRIPES! What a busy week with all this unholy hullabaloo about seeing off the Eurocrats once and for all. Well, entirely thanks to the gargantuan efforts of yours truly, the whole Brexit hoo-ha is almost done and dusted. Bozza to the rescue again… Read more »