June 4, 2020 Craic & Codology

by Our Political Staff – Phil Weeks Tighter control of country’s finances to re-heat the economy Even tighter control of Shinners to keep them out in the cold Vlad’s pal Eoghan Murphy to become Minister for Paperclips Greens to continue prevaricating ad nauseam Sell off school playing fields for much-needed luxury hotels to rekindle tourism… Read more »

June 4, 2020 Craic & Codology

As Catherine Martin continues to make headlines as the Greens’ lead negotiator in government formation talks, Eamon Ryan has acknowledged that leading the party remains one of his main ambitions. “Whilst I’m not ruling out being tánaiste at some stage, I am also keen to lead the Green Party,” Mr Ryan told RTÉ radio. “My… Read more »

June 4, 2020 Craic & Codology

Government ministers will continue to maintain their distance from any controversial decisions, according to NPHET. Amidst growing unease in Cabinet at the prospect of difficult choices around Covid-19 and the economy, public health officials have said ministers should stay at least a barge poll away from any issues that may prove contagious. “The government has… Read more »

June 4, 2020 Craic & Codology

Aviation experts fear travel chaos over the next few months if Ryanair’s Michael O’Leary continues on his collision course with Lufthansa. The airline boss is believed to be determined to clip the German outfit’s wings over a proposed government bailout. Critics believe Mr O’Leary has been on autopilot ever since Ryanair’s profits went into a… Read more »

June 4, 2020 Craic & Codology

Who are they – the Independent TDs hoping to be kingmakers in the 33rd Dáil? The Rural Independents Influential group of TDs representing the interests of rural Ireland (aka Kerry). Traditionally led by one of the Healy-Rae family wearing a cap and speaking in riddles. Core policies include campaigning for unlimited emergency funding (in used… Read more »

May 21, 2020 Craic & Codology

The question has to be asked: How does young Connell perform with such pace all night and half the morning? It’s long past time testing was introduced on film sets! – Paul Kimmage Excellent show! I’m very much in favour of two people developing a strong relationship and taking turns to assume control. – Micheál… Read more »

May 21, 2020 Craic & Codology

By Our Brexit Staff – Poppy Cock THE UK government has again denied that the proposed post-Brexit customs posts at major ports in Northern Ireland are actual customs posts. Speaking to reporters yesterday, Prime Minister Boris Johnson insisted that the new boundary check centres will be only operational in “extremely rare” circumstances, such as when… Read more »

May 21, 2020 Craic & Codology

Celebrities are planning a telethon in aid of RTÉ this summer, with the proceeds set to cover the costs of “star” presenters’ generous salaries, as well as the budget to acquire new programming to distract audiences from the fact that Normal People is coming to an end. “Maybe we can buy in another half decent… Read more »

May 21, 2020 Craic & Codology

There has been a positive reaction to Ryanair’s plan to introduce face masks and temperature checks this summer, with many customers seeing it as an improvement on the airline’s previous service. Prior to the pandemic, a large volume of passengers utilised biohazard suits when queuing for the onboard toilets and they see the airline’s renewed… Read more »

May 21, 2020 Craic & Codology

By our Education correspondent – Max Pointz St Kinahan’s in Dubai Drive, Drogheda, and the college run by the Monks of Hutch Street were named as the two schools likely to secure maximum points for all of their Leaving Cert students. “The kids also sent the teachers some suggestions on vindictive texts (Surely ‘predictive grading’?… Read more »

May 21, 2020 Craic & Codology

By Ann T Biotic Health experts in Britain say it could “take years” to develop a vaccine to eradicate Boris Johnson and that, in “a worst-case scenario”, he could linger “for decades”. “We have to flatten the Conservatives or we’re all doomed,” pleaded 20 panicking epidemiologists tearing their hair out. “Everyone must stay as far… Read more »

May 21, 2020 Craic & Codology

Exclusive to all newspapers IN AN extraordinarily frank and revealing four-minute radio interview yesterday, a well-known man spoke about what it was like to be quarantined in Dalkey. Profile of the famous Contagion star Full colour pics of actor’s wife End of real world still a possibility

May 21, 2020 Craic & Codology

No stout lads now with pace and grace Will serve great Croker’s coffers. No major sponsors shall embrace Our games with improved offers. No more the joy of equal duel And a replayed clash of ash. Oh Covid, Covid, Covid cruel You’ve left us short of cash!

May 21, 2020 Craic & Codology

Minister for Transport Shane Boss has said it is likely “TDs will be encouraged to save face” when making public appearances from next week. Given that questions continue to mount over testing, tracing and the protection of nursing homes during the Covid-19 crisis, the minister said it was likely the chief medical officer would recommend… Read more »

May 21, 2020 Craic & Codology

Significant obstacles have arisen following the easing of the moral restrictions, which have allowed FF, FG and the Greens to begin coalition talks. Despite initially promising signs, old frictions have returned after news emerged that FG staffers were planning for a possible second wave of voting. The party leaders aired their grievances at a press… Read more »

May 21, 2020 Craic & Codology

With the GAA Championship in disarray, it’s a timely reminder that this organisation has been hopelessly adrift for months. Indeed, long before coronavirus, the cliff edge was reached the moment RTÉ Sport took the insane decision to shy away from hard-hitting analysis by yours truly. I get thousands of emails every day from people who… Read more »

May 7, 2020 Craic & Codology

A leaked outline of a draft programme for government has shed some light on how the position of a ‘rotating taoiseach’ might work under a three-party coalition. The question of which party leader gets to make any public addresses regarding the easing of restrictions, subsequent to government formation, seems to be the predominant concern addressed… Read more »

May 7, 2020 Craic & Codology

Twink The ageless performer’s centuries of experience at the heart of pantomime make her an ideal candidate for probing the inner workings of the Irish political world. Denis O’Brien The Cork-born moneybags would leave no writ unturned in his determined efforts to get to the bottom of who said what about whom, when they were… Read more »

May 7, 2020 Craic & Codology

by Our Sports Staff Phil Corporate-Box Shane Ross has welcomed news that the FAI won’t be receiving any money from UEFA this year as it already got its 2020 allocation back in 2018. “It has taken intensive expertise to bring our national game to its current state – mainly because of gross financial mismanagement and… Read more »

May 7, 2020 Craic & Codology

Fears of a ‘crime tsunami’ being unleashed across Ireland were increasing yesterday as the country’s eggs crisis hardens its grip. Garda sources say they are “seriously concerned” by reports of egg smuggling in the border regions as hard-boiled drug barons and diesel shifters scramble to find new ways to fill the revenue shortfall caused by… Read more »

May 7, 2020 Craic & Codology

Exclusive to all newspapers On Other Pages Bears continue to defecate in woods. Pope will not stop being a Catholic.

May 7, 2020 Craic & Codology

With GDP plummeting to an all-time low and there being no hope whatsoever of a magic monetary pill, Ireland’s meltdown economy now faces the worst recession since the beginning of time. Incomes: As jobless figures hover around 178% and the Euro reaches parity with the Ugandan glass bead, people here will soon be yearning for… Read more »

May 7, 2020 Craic & Codology

Enda Kenny has said he was an “absent husband” during his time as taoiseach, allowing the country to fall apart while he relaxed at home with wife Fionnuala. His rare public comments came during an appearance on Des’s Island Discs, where his song choices included Everybody Needs Angela Merkel by the Blueshirt Brothers and Looking… Read more »

May 7, 2020 Craic & Codology

There is growing support for the campaign by the Confederation of Organised Men’s Barbers (COMB) to persuade the government to allow barbers to re-open. Todd Sweeney of COMB, based in Trim, says it is ready to fly in 800 Turkish barbers to deal with the demand. “Our businessmen and politicians are in a state –… Read more »

May 7, 2020 Craic & Codology

77%  – Percentage of gardaí who would dearly love to have special powers retained forever and ever. 151,709 – Number of people who learned their neighbours’ first names. 655 – Number of times so far that every parent has been forced to watch Frozen with 7-year-old daughter. 155 – Number of different outfits Miriam O’Callaghan… Read more »

May 7, 2020 Craic & Codology

Belt’n’Loops Designed by leathercraft artisans in Morocco, the Belt’n’Loops are made from genuine camel leather. The belt hugs the waist and the loops are attached to the wrists, the cords prevent the wearer from being able to touch their eyes, nose or mouth. NOTE: Belt’n’Loops must always be removed before swimming. The Distance Stik The… Read more »

April 23, 2020 Craic & Codology

Fine Gael has taken the drastic decision to finally ease long-standing restrictions. Leo Varadkar told a press conference, “We’ve decided to end these self-imposed curtailments and join forces with Fianna Fáil.” “For close to 100 years, our two parties have been practising the strictest of distancing measures,” continued Micheál Martin, standing beside Mr Varadkar. “But,… Read more »

April 23, 2020 Craic & Codology

Our Father, who art in isolation Hallowed be thy toilet roll Thy sanitiser come Thy will be done At home whilst watching Netflix Give us our daily Tony Holohan press conference And forgive us our trips to Dunnes Stores As we forgive those who cough in our direction And lead us not to our holiday… Read more »

April 23, 2020 Craic & Codology

SHED OF THE YEAR Over eight weeks, 21 garden sheds owned by celebrities working in Montrose will compete for the Shed of the Year title. This week we feature Claire Byrne, Marty Morrissey and Ryan Tubridy. Before you could say “publicity opportunity”, our modest celebs were up and running – to the nearest two-men-and-a-van specialising… Read more »

April 23, 2020 Craic & Codology

A shocking new condition that could make Covid-19 “seem like a picnic in the park” may be unleashed on the Irish population in the coming months, medical experts have warmed. Codenamed ‘FFG’, experts say the “potentially devastating mutation” will be the inevitable outcome of two political beasts being housed “at very close proximity in a… Read more »

April 23, 2020 Craic & Codology

Fintan Tool Covid-19 connects us de facto to our primeval ancestors. Indeed, pestilence and the morbid fear of plagues have always been part of the human condition per se. Astoundingly, hardly any commentators have attempted to elucidate the long-term effects that this unprecedented situation will have on future generations. The self-deluding bubble in which most… Read more »

April 23, 2020 Craic & Codology

The government has said it has no plans to impose restrictions on the amount of press releases being issued by President Michael D Higgins. Over the past few weeks, the president has released statements on Covid-19, John Prine, Tiger King, Daniel & Majella’s Road Trip and the return of Operation Transformation as he attempts to… Read more »

April 23, 2020 Craic & Codology

Concern is growing that Irish politicians are attempting to mask their deficiencies by presenting a different face in public. “Two-facedness is an epidemic in Irish politics,” said one WHO official in a stark warning. “Infection is rampant in the Dáil and TDs will attach to themselves to any journalist’s microphone or recording device. The only… Read more »

April 23, 2020 Craic & Codology

FAI officials say it will “probably be June at least” before the organisation can begin providing “any kind of decent scandals or laughable behaviour”. Hopes were raised last week that the organisation had lifted its restrictions on blundering activity after senior-side manager Stephen Kenny attempted to ‘poach’ Dundalk assistant manager Ruaidhrí Higgins while he was… Read more »

April 23, 2020 Craic & Codology

Leaving Cert students across the country have welcomed education minister Joe McHugh’s decision to postpone this year’s post-exam piss-up and drugs fest until late summer. “In fairness, June would have left us at a serious disadvantage, what with the pubs probably still closed,” said a relieved dentist’s daughter in Arklow. The sentiments were echoed in… Read more »