October 8, 2020 Craic & Codology

Operation Lockjaw will see new restrictions placed on households and visitors in west and east Derry for the next three weeks. Citizens of the Waterside may only receive visitors representing the DUP and UUP. Members of the Progressive Unionist Party may also be permitted to attend. However, at these get-togethers, the ‘Traditional Unionist Voice’ must… Read more »

September 23, 2020 Craic & Codology

Ireland’s arts and entertainment industries have warned that the sector may collapse unless the government changes its current approach to the industry. “Live theatre and music have been decimated by the restrictions and we’ve been getting no financial help,” said one promoter. “And now the government has started providing people with more of a spectacle… Read more »

September 23, 2020 Craic & Codology

New guidelines are to be published on how Ireland can live alongside Fianna Fáil for the next six to nine months. The comprehensive strategy is set to include five different levels, with the country to be put on level five – the highest level of alert – in the event of Stephen Donnelly holding a… Read more »

September 23, 2020 Craic & Codology

Some of the greatest works of fiction published in 2020 up for the top prize: Brexit Withdrawal Bill What was thought to be the final chapter in a long-running saga, turns out to only be a set-up to yet another, greater betrayal. Living With Covid Plan An engaging – if slightly muddled – choose-your-own-adventure story… Read more »

September 23, 2020 Craic & Codology

By John Delaney Some of you might have read this new ‘tell-all’ book about my supposed excesses during my time with the FAI. Well, it’s all hogwash! Any discerning reader will see that the whole enterprise is a witch hunt. True fans will know that the one bright spark through the years of turgid Irish… Read more »

September 23, 2020 Craic & Codology

by Our Political Staff Noah Deal BRITISH Prime Minister Boris Johnson last night lashed out at reports that the UK still intended to override the Brexit withdrawal agreement. “All this hysteria about yours truly flaunting international law and flying in the face of so-called trade deal thingies with our Europhobic friends is absolute tosh and… Read more »

September 23, 2020 Craic & Codology

No 37: The Dublin drinking den These once proliferate shelters were long regarded as havens for a plethora of fowl company and fly-by-nights, including same owl bores, vulture-funders, complete bustards, loons, loud swallows and absolute tits. However, a controversial approach by government has seen policy implemented to keep popular watering holes inaccessible. This has caused… Read more »

September 23, 2020 Craic & Codology

In what’s being described as a workplace revolution, many TDs won’t be remotely interested in what’s happening during the new Dáil term. Instead, they are expected to remain in their second homes and chalk up massive expenses during their occasional forays into Dublin. “It makes sense as most of these lads have been phoning it… Read more »

September 23, 2020 Craic & Codology

By our political correspondent Max Pointz Taoiseach and former teacher Micheál Martin has announced that, following the relative success of calculated grades in messing up this year’s Leaving Cert results, the government intends to trial the controversial process for voting in the next general election. How will it work? Instead of the single transferable vote,… Read more »

September 23, 2020 Craic & Codology

To celebrate the launch of the Dublin Theatre Festival, Goldhawk previews some of the hottest performances at this year’s event Leo and Micheál Contemporary reworking of the tragic biblical tale of feuding siblings Cain and Abel. Two bloodless brothers fight it out for political dominance and relevance. Expect a very stage-managed performance from one of… Read more »

September 23, 2020 Craic & Codology

As we prepare to head into the flu season, as a medical professional – have I mentioned I’m a doctor as well as everybody’s fav pandemic taoiseach? – I have developed a special glossary to help explain some medical mumbo jumbo. Needle Implement used to administer vaccines, which involves poking and prodding at someone until… Read more »

September 23, 2020 Craic & Codology

Johnson shouted “Up the RA” (Royal Academy? – Ed) as the men left court By our EU correspondent Hans Cuft Two accused men – Lewis Brandon and Bojo Johnson – from Parliament Street, Borris, Co Tipperary presented what the judge referred to as “a most unusual plea” in a recent case involving billions of euro… Read more »

September 23, 2020 Craic & Codology

Exclusive to all tabloids A former rock musician who was in a Manchester band during the 1990s has complained that wearing a face mask is a violation of his civil liberties. Meanwhile, people who are worried about Covid-19 have reacted by trying to remember some of the band’s awful songs. On Other Pages Bonehead claims… Read more »

September 23, 2020 Craic & Codology

Charles Manson – good or bad? Ebola outbreaks – positive or negative? Genocide – are you for or against? Do I tweet too much rubbish – yes or no? Are RTÉ presenters overpaid – yes or definitely?

September 10, 2020 Craic & Codology

The FAI has praised the nascent revolution that is under way following Stephen Kenny’s first games in charge. An FAI spokesperson said of this new beginning, “Irish football has, for a long time, been perceived as straightforward and pragmatic to a fault – in short, completely at odds with the chaos that characterises the FAI…. Read more »

September 10, 2020 Craic & Codology

Week 1: Classic Back Tracking: How I switched directions on journeys like ‘Raising women’s rights with the Saudis’, ‘Army to protect banks’, ‘John McNulty appointment’ etc etc etc… Week 2: Rich Memories: The role and roll of the gravy train in Irish politics and how I ignored repeated calls to get on my bike instead…. Read more »

September 10, 2020 Craic & Codology

Minister for Education Norma Batty has insisted that bubbles are working, pointing to the government’s complete detachment from reality as an example. “Government TDs happily live in their own world and are totally isolated from everyday life,” she beamed. “I would go as far as to say it’s a completely impenetrable bubble – I ran… Read more »

September 10, 2020 Craic & Codology

Minister for Education Norma Foley has said that she’s proud her department did not make the UK’s mistake in profiling schools to calculate Leaving Cert results. “Money doesn’t equate to intelligence,” declared Ms Foley. “I’ve always said that rich kids can be just as thick as anyone else – sometimes thicker.” Seeking to allay fears… Read more »

September 10, 2020 Craic & Codology

Gardaí have issued a warning over an elaborate scam that involves government ministers attempting to convince the public of the brilliant job they are doing during the pandemic. People from every age group have fallen victim to the ruse, having been convinced by legitimate-looking politicians appearing on Prime Time. “People shouldn’t trust these con artists… Read more »

September 10, 2020 Craic & Codology

By Emmet Baloney As the countdown continues to Ireland’s crunch Euro playoff with Slovakia next month, new boss Stephen Kenny has insisted he will stick with his radical new approach, which involves players on the team passing the ball to each other. “It’s a concept new to a lot of the lads,” said Kenny following… Read more »

September 10, 2020 Craic & Codology

Hard cheese (like it or lump it) Hot potatoes Serious beef with Licensed Vinters’ Association Stephen Donnelly hamming it up Ministers trying to save their bacon Micheál Martin’s goose cooked Publicans’ heads fried (That’s enough menu – Ed.)