July 16, 2020 Craic & Codology

The Convention Centre building in Dublin has suffered severe damage as a result of Dáil sittings. According to structural engineer Lee Ningtower, there were too few deputies and ministers sitting in the area designated for debate and too many backbenchers in the new Dáil bar toward the rear of the building complaining about being overlooked… Read more »

July 16, 2020 Craic & Codology

EXCLUSIVE EXTRACTS John Busser lifts the lid on what goes on behind the scenes in Leinster House Breakfast Don’t know half of the latest batch of junior ministers, but they all rate their jobs very highly and display their portfolios on the tables for all to see. Peter Berk is apparently responsible for organising Christmas… Read more »

July 16, 2020 Craic & Codology

In common with all other newspapers, over the years we may have mistakenly given the impression that Paschal Donohoe was a crushingly dull centrist politician whose ideas were about as exciting as his grey suits. Furthermore, during the austerity years, we might also have conveyed the impression that Paschal and his FG pals were implementing… Read more »

July 2, 2020 Craic & Codology

Daoine na hÉireann, as your new leader I am asking you to share my dream and to focus on the future, and let go of the past. All that previous stuff about Fine Gael being a shower of murderous, lying b**tards or a collection of Irish Tories fashioned in the image of Al Capone was,… Read more »

July 2, 2020 Craic & Codology

A Reading from the Book of Houses, Verse 7: Prophet Damo Predicts Pestilence And lo, there was at that time living in a big house in the city a wealthy prophet, Holy Dermo of Desmond, who didst claim to see the future. Great was the fear of the people when Desmond spoke for it was… Read more »

July 2, 2020 Craic & Codology

Roy Keane: Moby Dick I like to relax by fishing and I can relate to this story of a lad who sets his sights high and gets his reward. Mind you, if he had that muppet De Gea minding his net he probably would’ve come away empty handed. Credit to Ahab, pure class. Danny Healy-Rae:… Read more »

July 2, 2020 Craic & Codology

Micheál Martin’s top secret thoughts WEDNESDAY Wow! I’m still afraid that I might wake up and realise it’s all a dream. Looking at all the posters on my bedroom wall – Dev, Biffo, Bertie – who would ever have thought that, after so much heartbreak and disappointment, I would soon be joining my all-time heroes…. Read more »

July 2, 2020 Craic & Codology

“Life is like a box of chocolates – you never know what you’re gonna get. Over the past two weeks, I have said to our membership, ‘If this plane leaves and you’re not with us, you’ll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.’ “We need… Read more »

July 2, 2020 Craic & Codology

I close my eyes and picture all the piles of votes saying ‘yes’. From the fishing port at Dingle and the village of Recess From the banks of the river Shannon and from the folks at Skibbereen From the moorlands and the midlands came those forty shades of green Chorus: All together now… But most… Read more »

July 2, 2020 Craic & Codology

As the country exits lockdown, concerns are continuing to grow about a resurgence in Covid-19 fillers and think-pieces. One day last week saw the highest number of Covid-related speculation in the Irish Times since mid-March, whilst there has also been a notable spike in the Irish Independent. “Once the newsroom gets contaminated, it’s impossible to… Read more »

July 2, 2020 Craic & Codology

Ireland was poised to celebrate the easing of Covid-19 restrictions last night as thousands of drinkers looked forward to the re-opening of pubs. “I can’t wait to collapse against someone’s car on the way home again before sliding in a heap into the gutter while talking complete shite,” promised a 26-year-old milkman in Clare. “It… Read more »

July 2, 2020 Craic & Codology

EXCLUSIVE TO ALL PAPERS A leading Irish politician has put his name forward for consideration to become the next president of the Eurogroup. On other pages Pope Francis keen to continue as Catholic Pontiff – p2 Bears eager to defecate in new wooded areas – p3 Pics of Paschal looking particularly smug – p4

July 2, 2020 Craic & Codology

Goldhawk’s Drive-Thru cinema is delighted to be screening these classic movies over the coming weeks: The Green Mile A very innocent man (Eamon Ryan) is counting down the days to his political death sentence. In a cruel twist, he is informed that his electric chair is powered by renewable energy. Field of Dreams The Saint… Read more »

July 2, 2020 Craic & Codology

Seating will be in short supply on public transport as restrictions ease – meaning it’s business as usual, according to a report. Delays, overpricing and crumbling infrastructure will further contribute to a sense of normality returning, the study suggests. “New measures to combat Covid-19 on public transport could lead to frustration, stress and anger –… Read more »

July 2, 2020 Craic & Codology

Favourite film: American Graffiti Favourite song: Paint It Black, Rolling Stones Favourite TV show: Give My Head Peace Favourite band: Massive Attack Favourite tribe: Vandals Favourite animal: Copycat Favourite exercise: Mind-boggling Favourite musician: Tom Petty

July 2, 2020 Craic & Codology

“There are two more hiding over here.” Reluctant Comic Relief participants are rounded up. (Spoiler: this is yet another weak joke) RTÉ has confirmed that there were no in-house audiences for any of the studio-based ‘comic’ sketches during Covid Relief. All the laughter was dubbed. A number of charities that were supposed to benefit from… Read more »

June 18, 2020 Craic & Codology

All: Good evening people of Ireland. Leo Varadkar: After many long sleepless nights for our negotiating teams, we have agreed a draft proposal for government. Micheál Martin: We’ve overcome significant obstacles to get to this point. LV: Primarily the Greens. Eamon Ryan: We believe this draft paves the way for a brighter future for Ireland…. Read more »

June 18, 2020 Craic & Codology

Calling all TV viewers! Please tune in to your national station on June 26th and help to bring hope to some of the most desperate people on the planet. Yes, every single one of you that tunes in to this special evening is telling a scared producer, a petrified presenter and even a lost newsreader… Read more »

June 18, 2020 Craic & Codology

The chief medical officer of the Dept of Health, Tony Holohon, has been criticised over his ‘oppressive’ restrictions on people aged over 70, as part of the Government’s anti-Covid-19 virus campaign. Speaking on the basis of anonymity, Sean Owl-Fella, aged 99, of Ram Shakle Cottages, complained, “First we were not allowed outdoors, we could not… Read more »

June 18, 2020 Craic & Codology

The cancel culture that has seen shows such as Little Britain and Fawlty Towers recently censored has become ridiculous, critics say. “It’s the hypocrisy I can’t stand,” tweeted one opponent of the movement. “They want to erase shows that are ‘out of touch’ and ‘offensive to modern sensibilities’, and yet I haven’t heard one complaint… Read more »

June 18, 2020 Craic & Codology

Exclusive extract from the upcoming memoir April 1961 When Ella Fitzgerald performed, she always told the story of a young multi-talented Glenageary prodigy who would rise to become the world’s greatest singer-songwriter. Her dream was simply to follow her dreams. I’m still amazed that Ella understood the real me, my inner being, my anguish, the… Read more »

June 18, 2020 Craic & Codology

All drugs providers to be electronically logged Two-metre distancing to be strictly observed when abusing referee to his face Showering permitted only during heavy rain Blood to be wiped thoroughly from hurleys and fists immediately after sideline fracas All extra-marital affairs to be conducted at least 3km from training ground and/or team hotel All bribes… Read more »

June 18, 2020 Craic & Codology

On the market for a reasonable €300,000, this charming Dublin city centre apartment is a real bargain. This studio uses its space intelligently, making every one of its 29 square metres count and is a steal for just €325,000. At just €410,000, you’d be hard pressed to find another apartment so close to so many… Read more »

June 18, 2020 Craic & Codology

As lockdown restrictions gradually lift, among the places of worship set to reopen is Dáil Éireann, where politicians of all creeds kneel at the altar of money and power. In recent years, the chamber has become a shrine to the Cult of Leo, with Fine Gael TDs eager to celebrate their spiritual leader. “For TDs across all… Read more »

June 18, 2020 Craic & Codology

The new fantasy adventure film based on the 2001 novel of Artemis Fowl was finally released digitally on Dismal+ yesterday to the delight of thousands of journalists who had been queuing up for some time to get their articles into the paper. “Movie pundits like myself have been waiting for years to write about this… Read more »

June 18, 2020 Craic & Codology

By Dee Scrounger Taoiseach Leo Varadkar has vowed action against an ongoing spate of alleged theft committed by “masked robbers” up and down the country. “These masked bandits are the real virus,” the Fine Gael leader declared at a press conference, “signing on for emergency support payments, robbing us blind!” Alleging widespread exploitation of the… Read more »

June 18, 2020 Craic & Codology

Hotel Holohan, County Kiljoy Deemed the “safest place” in Ireland’, this holiday retreat offers a slow-paced, risk-free escape from the madding throngs of re-emergent commerce. Enjoy 14 days of quality quarantine as you relax in bed until 9pm before watching the glorious sunset from your hotel room window. Create lifelong memories by taking a must-see… Read more »

June 18, 2020 Craic & Codology

Alleged ruthless drugs baron Daniel Kinahan says he has “no plans at present” to enter the world of Irish politics, following the ongoing controversy around his boxing interest. The news comes as most commentators believe the merciless orchestrator’s move into boxing promotion is merely a preliminary bout in preparation for “the dirtiest fight game of… Read more »

June 18, 2020 Craic & Codology

Goldhawk can exclusively reveal the hottest new haircuts for the summer season ahead The Eamon Extremely blunt cut that is bound to generate funny looks when out and about. Caution is advised though as it’s thought to be going out of fashion and may not be around for long. The Dee Forbes This complex style… Read more »

June 18, 2020 Craic & Codology

Fianna Fáil Micheál Martin allowed to play taoiseach at least one day a week Token investments in rural Ireland to appease grassroots Greens Retro-fitting Eamon Ryan to insulate him from further criticism Bus Connects for rural cities, so they can also experience massive transport disruptions Fine Gael Review of pensions and how to boost them… Read more »

June 4, 2020 Craic & Codology

by Our ‘Normal People’ Staff  – Phillipa Page Are there too many filler pieces in all the newspapers about Normal People, the sensational TV adaptation of Sally Rooney’s controversial novel? That’s what I’ve been asked to write about by the editor to fill up 2,000 words in today’s paper. “It will make a terrific follow… Read more »

June 4, 2020 Craic & Codology

To celebrate RTÉ’s new property programme Cheap Irish Homes, Goldhawk takes a look at some neglected wrecks: MARTINCOURT Built in the 1930s, this once-imposing edifice dominated the landscape and was regarded as impregnable. However, in recent times the walls have started caving in and experts think it might not survive the next five years intact.  The… Read more »

June 4, 2020 Craic & Codology

As the government’s conservative approach to reopening the country comes under increased scrutiny, one of the most alarming trends has been the rise in windbag columnists churning out unreadable dreck day after day. Often having a background in political parties that proved abysmal failures, such as the PDs, these arrogant know-it-alls show no shame as… Read more »

June 4, 2020 Craic & Codology

15% increase in dog sh*t on your street Burglars visiting two houses in your estate overnight Your eldest lad manages to get hold of some cannabis again 27% reduction in bored people watching Maura and Daithí 56 negative messages about Tony Holohan’s ‘pig headedness’ on social media Six more pictures of the taoiseach topless

June 4, 2020 Craic & Codology

The Irish Farmers’ Association have condemned the behaviour of those engaging in “reckless stunts” involving farm machinery. Videos uploaded to a social network show people carrying out dangerous pranks involving agricultural equipment. IFA spokesman Old MacDonald said the use of machinery in this way is outrageous and goes against everything that the IFA stands for…. Read more »