May 21, 2020 Craic & Codology

No stout lads now with pace and grace Will serve great Croker’s coffers. No major sponsors shall embrace Our games with improved offers. No more the joy of equal duel And a replayed clash of ash. Oh Covid, Covid, Covid cruel You’ve left us short of cash!

May 21, 2020 Craic & Codology

Minister for Transport Shane Boss has said it is likely “TDs will be encouraged to save face” when making public appearances from next week. Given that questions continue to mount over testing, tracing and the protection of nursing homes during the Covid-19 crisis, the minister said it was likely the chief medical officer would recommend… Read more »

May 21, 2020 Craic & Codology

Significant obstacles have arisen following the easing of the moral restrictions, which have allowed FF, FG and the Greens to begin coalition talks. Despite initially promising signs, old frictions have returned after news emerged that FG staffers were planning for a possible second wave of voting. The party leaders aired their grievances at a press… Read more »

May 21, 2020 Craic & Codology

With the GAA Championship in disarray, it’s a timely reminder that this organisation has been hopelessly adrift for months. Indeed, long before coronavirus, the cliff edge was reached the moment RTÉ Sport took the insane decision to shy away from hard-hitting analysis by yours truly. I get thousands of emails every day from people who… Read more »

May 7, 2020 Craic & Codology

A leaked outline of a draft programme for government has shed some light on how the position of a ‘rotating taoiseach’ might work under a three-party coalition. The question of which party leader gets to make any public addresses regarding the easing of restrictions, subsequent to government formation, seems to be the predominant concern addressed… Read more »

May 7, 2020 Craic & Codology

Twink The ageless performer’s centuries of experience at the heart of pantomime make her an ideal candidate for probing the inner workings of the Irish political world. Denis O’Brien The Cork-born moneybags would leave no writ unturned in his determined efforts to get to the bottom of who said what about whom, when they were… Read more »

May 7, 2020 Craic & Codology

by Our Sports Staff Phil Corporate-Box Shane Ross has welcomed news that the FAI won’t be receiving any money from UEFA this year as it already got its 2020 allocation back in 2018. “It has taken intensive expertise to bring our national game to its current state – mainly because of gross financial mismanagement and… Read more »

May 7, 2020 Craic & Codology

Fears of a ‘crime tsunami’ being unleashed across Ireland were increasing yesterday as the country’s eggs crisis hardens its grip. Garda sources say they are “seriously concerned” by reports of egg smuggling in the border regions as hard-boiled drug barons and diesel shifters scramble to find new ways to fill the revenue shortfall caused by… Read more »

May 7, 2020 Craic & Codology

Exclusive to all newspapers On Other Pages Bears continue to defecate in woods. Pope will not stop being a Catholic.

May 7, 2020 Craic & Codology

With GDP plummeting to an all-time low and there being no hope whatsoever of a magic monetary pill, Ireland’s meltdown economy now faces the worst recession since the beginning of time. Incomes: As jobless figures hover around 178% and the Euro reaches parity with the Ugandan glass bead, people here will soon be yearning for… Read more »

May 7, 2020 Craic & Codology

Enda Kenny has said he was an “absent husband” during his time as taoiseach, allowing the country to fall apart while he relaxed at home with wife Fionnuala. His rare public comments came during an appearance on Des’s Island Discs, where his song choices included Everybody Needs Angela Merkel by the Blueshirt Brothers and Looking… Read more »

May 7, 2020 Craic & Codology

There is growing support for the campaign by the Confederation of Organised Men’s Barbers (COMB) to persuade the government to allow barbers to re-open. Todd Sweeney of COMB, based in Trim, says it is ready to fly in 800 Turkish barbers to deal with the demand. “Our businessmen and politicians are in a state –… Read more »

May 7, 2020 Craic & Codology

77%  – Percentage of gardaí who would dearly love to have special powers retained forever and ever. 151,709 – Number of people who learned their neighbours’ first names. 655 – Number of times so far that every parent has been forced to watch Frozen with 7-year-old daughter. 155 – Number of different outfits Miriam O’Callaghan… Read more »

May 7, 2020 Craic & Codology

Belt’n’Loops Designed by leathercraft artisans in Morocco, the Belt’n’Loops are made from genuine camel leather. The belt hugs the waist and the loops are attached to the wrists, the cords prevent the wearer from being able to touch their eyes, nose or mouth. NOTE: Belt’n’Loops must always be removed before swimming. The Distance Stik The… Read more »

April 23, 2020 Craic & Codology

Fine Gael has taken the drastic decision to finally ease long-standing restrictions. Leo Varadkar told a press conference, “We’ve decided to end these self-imposed curtailments and join forces with Fianna Fáil.” “For close to 100 years, our two parties have been practising the strictest of distancing measures,” continued Micheál Martin, standing beside Mr Varadkar. “But,… Read more »

April 23, 2020 Craic & Codology

Our Father, who art in isolation Hallowed be thy toilet roll Thy sanitiser come Thy will be done At home whilst watching Netflix Give us our daily Tony Holohan press conference And forgive us our trips to Dunnes Stores As we forgive those who cough in our direction And lead us not to our holiday… Read more »

April 23, 2020 Craic & Codology

SHED OF THE YEAR Over eight weeks, 21 garden sheds owned by celebrities working in Montrose will compete for the Shed of the Year title. This week we feature Claire Byrne, Marty Morrissey and Ryan Tubridy. Before you could say “publicity opportunity”, our modest celebs were up and running – to the nearest two-men-and-a-van specialising… Read more »

April 23, 2020 Craic & Codology

A shocking new condition that could make Covid-19 “seem like a picnic in the park” may be unleashed on the Irish population in the coming months, medical experts have warmed. Codenamed ‘FFG’, experts say the “potentially devastating mutation” will be the inevitable outcome of two political beasts being housed “at very close proximity in a… Read more »

April 23, 2020 Craic & Codology

Fintan Tool Covid-19 connects us de facto to our primeval ancestors. Indeed, pestilence and the morbid fear of plagues have always been part of the human condition per se. Astoundingly, hardly any commentators have attempted to elucidate the long-term effects that this unprecedented situation will have on future generations. The self-deluding bubble in which most… Read more »

April 23, 2020 Craic & Codology

The government has said it has no plans to impose restrictions on the amount of press releases being issued by President Michael D Higgins. Over the past few weeks, the president has released statements on Covid-19, John Prine, Tiger King, Daniel & Majella’s Road Trip and the return of Operation Transformation as he attempts to… Read more »

April 23, 2020 Craic & Codology

Concern is growing that Irish politicians are attempting to mask their deficiencies by presenting a different face in public. “Two-facedness is an epidemic in Irish politics,” said one WHO official in a stark warning. “Infection is rampant in the Dáil and TDs will attach to themselves to any journalist’s microphone or recording device. The only… Read more »

April 23, 2020 Craic & Codology

FAI officials say it will “probably be June at least” before the organisation can begin providing “any kind of decent scandals or laughable behaviour”. Hopes were raised last week that the organisation had lifted its restrictions on blundering activity after senior-side manager Stephen Kenny attempted to ‘poach’ Dundalk assistant manager Ruaidhrí Higgins while he was… Read more »

April 23, 2020 Craic & Codology

Leaving Cert students across the country have welcomed education minister Joe McHugh’s decision to postpone this year’s post-exam piss-up and drugs fest until late summer. “In fairness, June would have left us at a serious disadvantage, what with the pubs probably still closed,” said a relieved dentist’s daughter in Arklow. The sentiments were echoed in… Read more »

April 23, 2020 Craic & Codology

by Our Education Staff – Phil Boxes In an attempt to counteract accusations that the delayed 2020 Leaving Cert exams will be dumbed down, the Minister for Education today released a specimen paper to show that the standard was “as high as ever, if not even higher”. English: Higher Level (Multiple Choice) Candidates may use… Read more »

April 23, 2020 Craic & Codology

LIFTING THE RESTRICTIONS – EXCLUSIVE Following pressure from cash-strapped publicans, the government has decided to allow pubs to only open to young people initially. This will allow teenagers, who walked away from their €80 per week part-time jobs for the €350 per week Covid-19 unemployment payouts, to spend their spare cash in their local. Just… Read more »

April 9, 2020 Craic & Codology

With the HSE fighting to contain the Covid-19 outbreak, hundreds of former medical professionals have rejoined the struggling organisation. “We are grateful for any additional help. However, it’s safe to say that some returning staff are more welcome than others,” said one hospital porter, glancing across at a nearby Leo Varadkar wrestling himself into some… Read more »

April 9, 2020 Craic & Codology

It’s a disgrace. Over the last few weeks one person has clearly proven themselves to be the future of the Labour Party – Leo Varadkar. While Kelly and I have been dithering over who should take over the party, Vlad has rolled out the most generous social welfare package in Irish history, overseen the public… Read more »

April 9, 2020 Craic & Codology

The coronavirus outbreak offers a great opportunity to help kids develop new skills in a caring family setting. By following these simple guidelines, your children will soon be enjoying a magical learning adventure. 1 -Discipline Learning won’t ever take place without proper control. Above all, young people need to understand boundaries. While physical punishment will… Read more »

April 9, 2020 Craic & Codology

by Our Political Staff Phil Page As Fine Gael and Fianna Fáil edge closer to agreement on a programme for government, every journalist in the country is now asking the same question: Will this filler piece about the new coalition run out of steam before it starts or has it any chance of continuing? For the… Read more »

April 9, 2020 Craic & Codology

Keys To My Life (RTÉ) The great and the glorious of Irish life take a trip down memory lane by humbly revisiting their former residences. Highlights include: Eamon Dunphy returning to Lillie’s Bordello, where he renews acquaintances with the liggers who welcomed him home at night for many years. Bono revisiting the stable where he… Read more »

April 9, 2020 Craic & Codology

RTÉ has given us a sneak peak to some upcoming changes to its Home School Hub scheduling 11:10 McClean’s History Ireland ace James McClean examines the infamous Battle of Balaclava, which many historians believe was the pivotal turning point during the Crimean War in 1854. 11:30 Maths with Miriam Miriam O’Callaghan shows children how much… Read more »

April 9, 2020 Craic & Codology

In light of recent incidents that have seen people coughing and spitting at gardaí in the street, the government has decided to issue “improved” versions of face shields as an added deterrent to would-be spitters. The new face shields consist of a holographic visor capable of displaying one of several sterner faces. The mask comes… Read more »

April 9, 2020 Craic & Codology

If – like me – your cleaner, gardener and even your cook say they’re now unable to come to your house to fulfil their duties, you might feel stranded. Rather than embracing squalor, it turns out that rudimentary chores are actually a real, back-breaking slog! So don’t let the absence of your service staff stop… Read more »

April 9, 2020 Craic & Codology

Until now, my proudest moment has undoubtedly been the re-opening of my beloved Stepaside Garda Station – closely followed by the births of my two children. Now, in this time of crisis, I can proudly say I’ve risen to the occasion. I have repeatedly offered my services to Minister Harris and his reply has been… Read more »