July 2, 2020 Craic & Codology

EXCLUSIVE TO ALL PAPERS A leading Irish politician has put his name forward for consideration to become the next president of the Eurogroup. On other pages Pope Francis keen to continue as Catholic Pontiff – p2 Bears eager to defecate in new wooded areas – p3 Pics of Paschal looking particularly smug – p4

July 2, 2020 Craic & Codology

Goldhawk’s Drive-Thru cinema is delighted to be screening these classic movies over the coming weeks: The Green Mile A very innocent man (Eamon Ryan) is counting down the days to his political death sentence. In a cruel twist, he is informed that his electric chair is powered by renewable energy. Field of Dreams The Saint… Read more »

July 2, 2020 Craic & Codology

Seating will be in short supply on public transport as restrictions ease – meaning it’s business as usual, according to a report. Delays, overpricing and crumbling infrastructure will further contribute to a sense of normality returning, the study suggests. “New measures to combat Covid-19 on public transport could lead to frustration, stress and anger –… Read more »

July 2, 2020 Craic & Codology

Favourite film: American Graffiti Favourite song: Paint It Black, Rolling Stones Favourite TV show: Give My Head Peace Favourite band: Massive Attack Favourite tribe: Vandals Favourite animal: Copycat Favourite exercise: Mind-boggling Favourite musician: Tom Petty

July 2, 2020 Craic & Codology

“There are two more hiding over here.” Reluctant Comic Relief participants are rounded up. (Spoiler: this is yet another weak joke) RTÉ has confirmed that there were no in-house audiences for any of the studio-based ‘comic’ sketches during Covid Relief. All the laughter was dubbed. A number of charities that were supposed to benefit from… Read more »

June 18, 2020 Craic & Codology

All: Good evening people of Ireland. Leo Varadkar: After many long sleepless nights for our negotiating teams, we have agreed a draft proposal for government. Micheál Martin: We’ve overcome significant obstacles to get to this point. LV: Primarily the Greens. Eamon Ryan: We believe this draft paves the way for a brighter future for Ireland…. Read more »

June 18, 2020 Craic & Codology

Calling all TV viewers! Please tune in to your national station on June 26th and help to bring hope to some of the most desperate people on the planet. Yes, every single one of you that tunes in to this special evening is telling a scared producer, a petrified presenter and even a lost newsreader… Read more »

June 18, 2020 Craic & Codology

The chief medical officer of the Dept of Health, Tony Holohon, has been criticised over his ‘oppressive’ restrictions on people aged over 70, as part of the Government’s anti-Covid-19 virus campaign. Speaking on the basis of anonymity, Sean Owl-Fella, aged 99, of Ram Shakle Cottages, complained, “First we were not allowed outdoors, we could not… Read more »

June 18, 2020 Craic & Codology

The cancel culture that has seen shows such as Little Britain and Fawlty Towers recently censored has become ridiculous, critics say. “It’s the hypocrisy I can’t stand,” tweeted one opponent of the movement. “They want to erase shows that are ‘out of touch’ and ‘offensive to modern sensibilities’, and yet I haven’t heard one complaint… Read more »

June 18, 2020 Craic & Codology

Exclusive extract from the upcoming memoir April 1961 When Ella Fitzgerald performed, she always told the story of a young multi-talented Glenageary prodigy who would rise to become the world’s greatest singer-songwriter. Her dream was simply to follow her dreams. I’m still amazed that Ella understood the real me, my inner being, my anguish, the… Read more »

June 18, 2020 Craic & Codology

All drugs providers to be electronically logged Two-metre distancing to be strictly observed when abusing referee to his face Showering permitted only during heavy rain Blood to be wiped thoroughly from hurleys and fists immediately after sideline fracas All extra-marital affairs to be conducted at least 3km from training ground and/or team hotel All bribes… Read more »

June 18, 2020 Craic & Codology

The new fantasy adventure film based on the 2001 novel of Artemis Fowl was finally released digitally on Dismal+ yesterday to the delight of thousands of journalists who had been queuing up for some time to get their articles into the paper. “Movie pundits like myself have been waiting for years to write about this… Read more »

June 18, 2020 Craic & Codology

On the market for a reasonable €300,000, this charming Dublin city centre apartment is a real bargain. This studio uses its space intelligently, making every one of its 29 square metres count and is a steal for just €325,000. At just €410,000, you’d be hard pressed to find another apartment so close to so many… Read more »

June 18, 2020 Craic & Codology

As lockdown restrictions gradually lift, among the places of worship set to reopen is Dáil Éireann, where politicians of all creeds kneel at the altar of money and power. In recent years, the chamber has become a shrine to the Cult of Leo, with Fine Gael TDs eager to celebrate their spiritual leader. “For TDs across all… Read more »

June 18, 2020 Craic & Codology

By Dee Scrounger Taoiseach Leo Varadkar has vowed action against an ongoing spate of alleged theft committed by “masked robbers” up and down the country. “These masked bandits are the real virus,” the Fine Gael leader declared at a press conference, “signing on for emergency support payments, robbing us blind!” Alleging widespread exploitation of the… Read more »

June 18, 2020 Craic & Codology

Hotel Holohan, County Kiljoy Deemed the “safest place” in Ireland’, this holiday retreat offers a slow-paced, risk-free escape from the madding throngs of re-emergent commerce. Enjoy 14 days of quality quarantine as you relax in bed until 9pm before watching the glorious sunset from your hotel room window. Create lifelong memories by taking a must-see… Read more »

June 18, 2020 Craic & Codology

Alleged ruthless drugs baron Daniel Kinahan says he has “no plans at present” to enter the world of Irish politics, following the ongoing controversy around his boxing interest. The news comes as most commentators believe the merciless orchestrator’s move into boxing promotion is merely a preliminary bout in preparation for “the dirtiest fight game of… Read more »

June 18, 2020 Craic & Codology

Goldhawk can exclusively reveal the hottest new haircuts for the summer season ahead The Eamon Extremely blunt cut that is bound to generate funny looks when out and about. Caution is advised though as it’s thought to be going out of fashion and may not be around for long. The Dee Forbes This complex style… Read more »

June 18, 2020 Craic & Codology

Fianna Fáil Micheál Martin allowed to play taoiseach at least one day a week Token investments in rural Ireland to appease grassroots Greens Retro-fitting Eamon Ryan to insulate him from further criticism Bus Connects for rural cities, so they can also experience massive transport disruptions Fine Gael Review of pensions and how to boost them… Read more »

June 4, 2020 Craic & Codology

by Our ‘Normal People’ Staff  – Phillipa Page Are there too many filler pieces in all the newspapers about Normal People, the sensational TV adaptation of Sally Rooney’s controversial novel? That’s what I’ve been asked to write about by the editor to fill up 2,000 words in today’s paper. “It will make a terrific follow… Read more »

June 4, 2020 Craic & Codology

To celebrate RTÉ’s new property programme Cheap Irish Homes, Goldhawk takes a look at some neglected wrecks: MARTINCOURT Built in the 1930s, this once-imposing edifice dominated the landscape and was regarded as impregnable. However, in recent times the walls have started caving in and experts think it might not survive the next five years intact.  The… Read more »

June 4, 2020 Craic & Codology

As the government’s conservative approach to reopening the country comes under increased scrutiny, one of the most alarming trends has been the rise in windbag columnists churning out unreadable dreck day after day. Often having a background in political parties that proved abysmal failures, such as the PDs, these arrogant know-it-alls show no shame as… Read more »

June 4, 2020 Craic & Codology

15% increase in dog sh*t on your street Burglars visiting two houses in your estate overnight Your eldest lad manages to get hold of some cannabis again 27% reduction in bored people watching Maura and Daithí 56 negative messages about Tony Holohan’s ‘pig headedness’ on social media Six more pictures of the taoiseach topless

June 4, 2020 Craic & Codology

The Irish Farmers’ Association have condemned the behaviour of those engaging in “reckless stunts” involving farm machinery. Videos uploaded to a social network show people carrying out dangerous pranks involving agricultural equipment. IFA spokesman Old MacDonald said the use of machinery in this way is outrageous and goes against everything that the IFA stands for…. Read more »

June 4, 2020 Craic & Codology

by Our Political Staff – Phil Weeks Tighter control of country’s finances to re-heat the economy Even tighter control of Shinners to keep them out in the cold Vlad’s pal Eoghan Murphy to become Minister for Paperclips Greens to continue prevaricating ad nauseam Sell off school playing fields for much-needed luxury hotels to rekindle tourism… Read more »

June 4, 2020 Craic & Codology

As Catherine Martin continues to make headlines as the Greens’ lead negotiator in government formation talks, Eamon Ryan has acknowledged that leading the party remains one of his main ambitions. “Whilst I’m not ruling out being tánaiste at some stage, I am also keen to lead the Green Party,” Mr Ryan told RTÉ radio. “My… Read more »

June 4, 2020 Craic & Codology

Government ministers will continue to maintain their distance from any controversial decisions, according to NPHET. Amidst growing unease in Cabinet at the prospect of difficult choices around Covid-19 and the economy, public health officials have said ministers should stay at least a barge poll away from any issues that may prove contagious. “The government has… Read more »

June 4, 2020 Craic & Codology

Aviation experts fear travel chaos over the next few months if Ryanair’s Michael O’Leary continues on his collision course with Lufthansa. The airline boss is believed to be determined to clip the German outfit’s wings over a proposed government bailout. Critics believe Mr O’Leary has been on autopilot ever since Ryanair’s profits went into a… Read more »

June 4, 2020 Craic & Codology

Who are they – the Independent TDs hoping to be kingmakers in the 33rd Dáil? The Rural Independents Influential group of TDs representing the interests of rural Ireland (aka Kerry). Traditionally led by one of the Healy-Rae family wearing a cap and speaking in riddles. Core policies include campaigning for unlimited emergency funding (in used… Read more »

May 21, 2020 Craic & Codology

The question has to be asked: How does young Connell perform with such pace all night and half the morning? It’s long past time testing was introduced on film sets! – Paul Kimmage Excellent show! I’m very much in favour of two people developing a strong relationship and taking turns to assume control. – Micheál… Read more »

May 21, 2020 Craic & Codology

By Our Brexit Staff – Poppy Cock THE UK government has again denied that the proposed post-Brexit customs posts at major ports in Northern Ireland are actual customs posts. Speaking to reporters yesterday, Prime Minister Boris Johnson insisted that the new boundary check centres will be only operational in “extremely rare” circumstances, such as when… Read more »

May 21, 2020 Craic & Codology

Celebrities are planning a telethon in aid of RTÉ this summer, with the proceeds set to cover the costs of “star” presenters’ generous salaries, as well as the budget to acquire new programming to distract audiences from the fact that Normal People is coming to an end. “Maybe we can buy in another half decent… Read more »

May 21, 2020 Craic & Codology

There has been a positive reaction to Ryanair’s plan to introduce face masks and temperature checks this summer, with many customers seeing it as an improvement on the airline’s previous service. Prior to the pandemic, a large volume of passengers utilised biohazard suits when queuing for the onboard toilets and they see the airline’s renewed… Read more »

May 21, 2020 Craic & Codology

By our Education correspondent – Max Pointz St Kinahan’s in Dubai Drive, Drogheda, and the college run by the Monks of Hutch Street were named as the two schools likely to secure maximum points for all of their Leaving Cert students. “The kids also sent the teachers some suggestions on vindictive texts (Surely ‘predictive grading’?… Read more »

May 21, 2020 Craic & Codology

By Ann T Biotic Health experts in Britain say it could “take years” to develop a vaccine to eradicate Boris Johnson and that, in “a worst-case scenario”, he could linger “for decades”. “We have to flatten the Conservatives or we’re all doomed,” pleaded 20 panicking epidemiologists tearing their hair out. “Everyone must stay as far… Read more »

May 21, 2020 Craic & Codology

Exclusive to all newspapers IN AN extraordinarily frank and revealing four-minute radio interview yesterday, a well-known man spoke about what it was like to be quarantined in Dalkey. Profile of the famous Contagion star Full colour pics of actor’s wife End of real world still a possibility