May 20, 2021 Craic & Codology

A deal between RTÉ and Virgin will allow Ireland’s 2022 Six Nations campaign to remain free-to-air, meaning fans around the country will be able to enjoy the team’s routing of Italy, as well as the inevitable spectacular implosion against one or all of England, Scotland and Wales. RTÉ’s Dee Forbes welcomed the latest addition to… Read more »

May 20, 2021 Craic & Codology

The government has reacted angrily to An Taisce’s objection to a Kildare Street cheese plant, which has been milking taxpayers on an industrial scale for decades. The plant specialises in a process known as “creaming it”, even as voters’ hopes curdle. “TDs are known for their cheesy smiles, but the whole place stinks,” said a… Read more »

May 20, 2021 Craic & Codology

Transport Government parties carrying too many passengers Aviation Eamon Ryan’s head is constantly stuck in the clouds Environment Climate Bill is far too full of hot air Agriculture Healy Raes should be forced to cut the bull Infrastructure TDs will pay a massive penalty for even mentioning water charges Planning Government preparing to die on… Read more »

May 20, 2021 Craic & Codology

Yes, of course, it’s vital to apologise over the tragic events in Ballymurphy back in 1971. These sad episodes took place in the distant past. Unlike today when the only thing people are interested in is my brilliantly successful vaccine roll-out. Known to be 97% effective in protecting Bozza from different variants of sleaze accusations…. Read more »

May 20, 2021 Craic & Codology

Sir, I would like to draw your attention to an unrivalled journalistic opportunity that has just arisen. As you may be aware, the esteemed journalist Mr Eoghan Harris currently finds himself available for work. Mr Harris is a man of the utmost integrity and his work has been the subject of much comment. I’m fortunate… Read more »

May 20, 2021 Craic & Codology

This timeless Nancy Mitford epic of love and loss (of trousers and dignity mainly) has already been hailed as the most sensational drama series since the BBC’s classic version of Tolstoy’s Pwhoar and Sleaze. Lily Luvvie (Lily James) – Brilliant portrayal of a headstrong character who is extremely annoying indeed. Lord Madcap (Andrew Scott) –… Read more »

May 20, 2021 Craic & Codology

Following disappointing results in recent local elections, Labour leader Alan Kelly has sent his condolences to his beleaguered opposite number in the UK, Keir Starmer. “It’s surprising that despite choosing a young, dynamic, charismatic, energetic, firebrand as leader, just like us,” said Kelly, “that results across the Irish Sea look even worse than ours.”

May 20, 2021 Craic & Codology

Housing Minister Darragh O’Brien has described proposals for a ‘travel bubble’ between Britain and Ireland as a “game-changer” in the housing crisis. “Irish people have a long tradition of settling in the UK and always find the houses over there very much to their liking,” said the Fianna Fáil minister. “Allowing our hordes of disaffected… Read more »

May 6, 2021 Craic & Codology

Goldhawk profiles some of the beers that will be affected by plans to introduce a Minimum Unit Price for alcohol: Fosters Recently canned due to complaints it wasn’t doing enough to convert potential customers. Replacement will be far more acidic with a definite whiff of sourness. Mickey O’Leary’s Famous for its bitter outpourings and a… Read more »

May 6, 2021 Craic & Codology

Sexual love belongs in a committed relationship between a priest and his housekeeper. Sex is exclusively for the purposes of procreation. Hush money payments are often required to keep the progeny a secret. Failure to do so could result in an orgy of negative media coverage. People who love members of the same sex in… Read more »

May 6, 2021 Craic & Codology

Nightclub door steward The departing DUP leader could certainly be trusted to say NO! to any undesirables trying to gain entry! Assistant to Stephen Kenny The beleaguered gaffer need no longer worry about conceding goals once the tough tackling Arlene instructs his charges on defending tenaciously what nobody else would even try to defend. Historian… Read more »

May 6, 2021 Craic & Codology

What a beautiful sight it was to see all those supporters marching on the centre of power and refusing to concede what is rightfully theirs, by taking matters into their own hands. It fills me with hope for the future. – Donald Trump What’s the problem?! The Yanks take over south Kerry every year without… Read more »

May 6, 2021 Craic & Codology

by Philip A Website I’m usually seen as a fairly unemotional individual, but that all changed today when my editor asked me to churn out a quick feature piece on Maura Higgins, the former Love Island star. “We’re the only paper without a front-page story on Maura’s gutsy decision to post pics of her grey… Read more »

May 6, 2021 Craic & Codology

At long last! Sinn Féin leader Mary Lou McDonald has finally admitted her party’s Abú voter database was not in compliance with data protection laws. This appalling dereliction of duty on the part of Sinn Féin is on a scale we haven’t seen since the Data Protection Commission (DPC) made a number of findings against,… Read more »

May 6, 2021 Craic & Codology

Ireland boss Stephen Kenny has praised UEFA’s controversial decision to strip Dublin of its European Championship games. “Giving the Irish fans a taste of decent football could make my job virtually impossible. What if people saw the designated home team scoring goals at the Aviva? They’d soon expect my lot to start doing something similar…. Read more »

May 6, 2021 Craic & Codology

Gardaí across all ranks believe the provision of body cameras will be a ‘game changer’ in resolving disputes and diffusing tense situations between their members and some sections of the community. “Every night dozens of our lads are served stuff in chippers that they didn’t ask for – and then brazenly told that they did!”,… Read more »

May 6, 2021 Craic & Codology

MIKE HEADBANGER An advocate of returning to 16th century moral values, he is regarded as being on the more moderate wing of the party. His belief that space aliens roam among us could compromise his position on border checks. JOHN CRACKPOT A member of the more religious, Paisleyite wing of the party, he has sharply… Read more »

May 6, 2021 Craic & Codology

With no Euro 2020 games to be played in the Aviva, Goldhawk takes a look at some of the other uses the stadium could be put to. Expanded vaccine distribution centre: With Aviva crowds well used to seeing goals missed, they should accept the inevitable vaccine delays. Sinn Féin data repository: To appease the Irish… Read more »

May 6, 2021 Craic & Codology

Share all your intimate problems with Ursula von der Leyen Dear Ursula, I’m still fuming over getting shafted by that Brussels shower just because (I presume) I am a man. I need a way to get my groove back. “Big Phil” H Rather than complaining about being forced to focus on only your enormous gratuity… Read more »

May 6, 2021 Craic & Codology

From The Book of Covid, Chapter 19. And lo in the year of 21 there walked amongst the people a man known as Blessed Stephen of Donnelly. And many were filled with fear for a great plague didth trouble the earth. But Stephen said unto the masses: ‘”Fear not, for great is my wisdom and… Read more »

May 6, 2021 Craic & Codology

By Donald Crank A new movie starring Micheál Martin and Leo Varadkar has been widely criticised for stretching credibility to the limit. Wild Oireachtas Types sees the duo play a couple of politicians who are hopelessly out of their depth, and find themselves caught up in a series of far-fetched adventures. People have reacted with… Read more »

April 22, 2021 Craic & Codology

Government parties have jumped to criticise Sinn Féin’s use of a voter database, which it is alleged violates data protection rights of voters. One Fine Gael spokesperson said: “As soon as Leo Varadkar is finished speaking to gardaí regarding his leaking of privileged state documents, he’ll issue a statement expressing his outrage at this alleged… Read more »

April 22, 2021 Craic & Codology

There’s a lot more to Ireland than rolling green hills and friendly faces. For instance, visitors may not be aware that right in the middle of the Irish countryside is Limerick, Europe’s murder capital. Serial killers brandish colourful machetes as drug lords load up their stolen SUVs with bullet-ridden bodies. And what about the capital… Read more »

April 22, 2021 Craic & Codology

By Stephen Donnelly There have been a number of nasty rumours lately calling into question the priorities I set for my department. So, I would like to put it beyond doubt that we are working around the clock to address these concerns. I am therefore delighted to announce that this department will be massively ramping… Read more »

April 22, 2021 Craic & Codology

The introduction of mandatory hotel quarantine has led to numerous bitter court challenges. Golf-aficionado Mr Justice Séamus Woulfe has suggested a number of humanitarian grounds that would justify immunity from hotel quarantine: A quick 18 in Clifden Starring in a national scandal Putting the boot into ‘appalling’ media coverage

April 22, 2021 Craic & Codology

Minister for Sport Jack Chambers today confirmed that quarantine exemptions for elite sports will be examined on a “case-by-case basis”. The announcement was immediately welcomed by Ireland coach Stephen Kenny, who agreed that it was absolutely vital to keep all the visiting national teams in lockdown for as long as possible, “Let’s face it, if… Read more »

April 22, 2021 Craic & Codology

To celebrate President Michael Twee’s 80th birthday, Goldhawk spoke to a number of the country’s First Citizen’s closest admirers: Stephen Donnelly I tweeted out my congratulations to Uachtarán Higgins on reaching such an historic milestone. Unfortunately he didn’t mention me by name in his reply. Joe Biden Michael D and I have so much in… Read more »

April 22, 2021 Craic & Codology

There were growing calls last night for the government to suspend the roll-out of government spokespeople on vaccine roll-out changes following reports of adverse reactions within communities. Symptoms among those who have been needled by the process include severe headaches lasting for hours on end, acute pains in the neck and even instances of blood… Read more »

April 22, 2021 Craic & Codology

Boot: What we put in on your premium at renewal time Breakdown: What happens to punters when they get their new quote Bonnet: Place where drivers keep a bee after they get the renewal quotation! Oil: Stuff found on our palms. Brakes: What happens to the punter’s spirit when he or she engages in bargaining… Read more »

April 22, 2021 Craic & Codology

Good morning Facebook friends! Also just want to say hi to Digital Rights Ireland, Russian troll farms, anyone seeking leaked personal information on Facebook users etc. All go around here – another hectic day ahead dealing with fallout from data hacks, and my numerous requests for personal appearances (Senate hearings and parliamentary committees). And what’s… Read more »

April 22, 2021 Craic & Codology

There has been a major boost for the political sector with the news that non-essential services are to reopen in May. The move means that TDs will once again be free to fill out expense forms and elbow each other out of the way for photo-ops. The relaxing of restrictions on deputies is also likely… Read more »

April 22, 2021 Craic & Codology

Egg: Stuff on the face of Ireland’s international reputation Bacon: What Google brings home to its shareholders Sausage: What the government didn’t get from the arrangement Beans: The things their accountants count Toast: What Google raised to our government Coffee: That stuff Paschal Donohoe doesn’t want Joe Biden waking up and smelling Price: $75bn

April 22, 2021 Craic & Codology

In a wide-ranging and revealing interview on our station, the leader of Sinn Féin was forced into admitting her regret that several other tragic historic events had occurred. Aside from apologising (more or less) for the IRA’s killing of Lord Mountbatten in 1979, Mary Lou McDonald separately appeared to say that she was also sorry… Read more »

April 22, 2021 Craic & Codology

by Our Financial Staff Phil Coffers The proposal from Green Party minister Joe O’Brien for a “one-off solidarity tax” on top earners and firms that were “highly profitable” during the pandemic was immediately welcomed by government colleagues. Speaking on RTÉ’s Mourning Ireland, Tánaiste Leo Varadkar agreed that additional revenue was now more essential than ever…. Read more »

April 22, 2021 Craic & Codology

Man United vice-chairman Joel Greedy has hailed the formation of a controversial new ‘European Filthy Rich League’, which will see 20 of the Continent’s top clubs competing to see who will become the most reviled by football fans. “By bringing together football’s greatest clubs, we can ensure that I’ll become even more wealthy,” said Greedy…. Read more »

April 8, 2021 Craic & Codology

by Phil Pages DUP leader Arlene Foster has indicated that she would emigrate permanently in the event of a unified Irish state. “It’s bad enough that we’ve completely run out of wood pellets up here and the PSNI haven’t jailed a single Shinner yet over the Bobby Storey funeral,” said Mrs Foster, “but now there’s… Read more »