January 14, 2021 Craic & Codology

Thirsty, bored and missing your pals? No worries, the solution is at hand. Using satellite technology, the Ssshhebeen Finder App will direct you to the nearest illicit drinking den anywhere within your 5km exercise zone! Turn on the voice feature and hey presto, the SFA’s pint-point co-ordinate readings will guide you through the alleyway by… Read more »

December 16, 2020 Craic & Codology

With all this Brexit kerfuffle hitting the fan, it was up to good old Bozzo to save the day as per. That meant dashing off to Brussels for a late-night shindig with our ghastly Euro chums, namely Barmier and Co – complete rotters, in my humble opinion. But yours truly soon laid down the law… Read more »

December 16, 2020 Craic & Codology

With all going to plan, we can begin the process of vaccinating Irish people in early January. This is a cause for tremendous optimism and hope. As such, it is vital that I, and my party, capitalise on any resultant public goodwill. Several recent polls have shown Fianna Fáil to be the sick man of… Read more »

December 16, 2020 Craic & Codology

Goldhawk takes a look at the hottest gifts this festive season: Phil Hogan GPS Need to get somewhere but have lots of time to kill? Then the Phil Hogan GPS is the perfect gift. Just type in your destination and Phil will take you through as many counties as possible – with a mandatory stop… Read more »

December 16, 2020 Craic & Codology

How much are the three party leaders looking forward to Christmas? What are they expecting to receive this year as presents? “I’m not greedy,” says Eamon Ryan, “I’m happy with a surprise. Only another eight sleeps left to Christmas. And those seats in the National Convention Centre are just the place to nod off.” Taoiseach… Read more »

December 16, 2020 Craic & Codology

There has been a massive public outcry at the news that, following the recent 2% pay increase for the vast majority of Oireachtas members, the Government has followed this up with a proposal that all TDs are to be allowed additional paid time off – at their own discretion! The proposal, dubbed ‘Stanley’s Law’, will… Read more »

December 16, 2020 Craic & Codology

Now I thankfully won’t have to drive home after All-Ireland Finals – Barry Cowen How many extra buses will be passing through Stepaside? – Shane Ross I just hope that, come my next gaffe, my party doesn’t throw me under one of them – Micheál Martin

December 16, 2020 Craic & Codology

Non-Starters Humble Pie Spring Rollover Waffle Mains Fishy Mess Cooked Goose in a Sore Sauce (served on a bed of its own making) Union Jack(et) Potatoes (off) Just Desserts Irish Border Fudge (neither hard nor soft) To Drink UK Whines

December 16, 2020 Craic & Codology

Jim O’Callaghan I want to build up my strength so that I can flex my muscles within Fianna Fáil more effectively. I will focus on the jaw area as I intend to engage in extensive canvassing – sorry, communication – with the grass roots in 2021. Dee Forbes I’d love to help RTÉ lose weight…. Read more »

December 16, 2020 Craic & Codology

Following a period of reflection, I fully concur that those who selflessly undertake unsavoury, emotional and often dangerous work in this country should rightly have their sacrifices recognised through some level of financial payment. From having their finger on the pulse to exploring the inner workings of others and prescribing remedies, judges do priceless work… Read more »

December 16, 2020 Craic & Codology

By Joe Brolly As we look forward to this surreal winter-time All-Ireland Final, there will be an undeniable absence, the sense of something missing as the ball is kicked around an echo-y, empty Croke Park. GAA is for the fans and I am sure that, to a man, there will be uproar at the prospect… Read more »

December 16, 2020 Craic & Codology

As the outdoor, sporty type, I love nothing better than hunting for a bit of fair game. I hear there’s plenty of snipe around this year. Yippee! – Brian Stanley I was desperately hoping to get a bit of fishing in this Christmas but I just can’t find the net. Looks like the DVD collection… Read more »

December 16, 2020 Craic & Codology

by Owen Goal The Republic of Ireland’s hopes of winning the 2022 World Cup suffered a severe setback last week after they were drawn against several other international teams, some of which feature professional footballers. According to an FAI insider, “Everything was going to plan until we learned we’d been placed into the so-called Group… Read more »

December 16, 2020 Craic & Codology

Poor judgement was shown by those attending the retirement party of one staff member. RTÉ acknowledges that there are far too many presenters who should be considering their own retirements instead. There were unacceptable levels of mixing going on throughout the event. RTÉ was disappointed to note the presence of top-end spirits being used to… Read more »

December 3, 2020 Craic & Codology

There is a growing acceptance within Cabinet that the political sector is unlikely to reopen within the lifetime of this government. Whilst there had been some optimism that TDs may actually do some work before Christmas, government sources tacitly acknowledged most deputies are likely to spend December running up hefty tabs in restaurants and gastropubs…. Read more »

December 3, 2020 Craic & Codology

Following the sad passing of the soccer icon, Goldhawk spoke to some famous faces to get their thoughts on Maradona. Shane Ross A cheeky little right-winger who always felt comfortable in the spotlight. But that’s enough about yours truly. He effortlessly led a bunch of journeymen to glory. Reminds me of the Independent Alliance. Bertie… Read more »

December 3, 2020 Craic & Codology

With Brexit just around the corner, it’s time to celebrate the things that really make Britain great. Which is why we can’t allow Johnny Foreigner to ride roughshod over all that we hold dear – and that means standing up for the humble sausage. Let’s face it, nothing beats a good old sizzling sossy –… Read more »

December 3, 2020 Craic & Codology

Departing US President Donald Trump remained unrepentant last night, despite calls for a pardon he granted to a complete turkey to be reversed. Critics say the president chose “one of the most crooked turkeys in the country” to pardon. However the president insists he has “no intention of conceding” to the requests to overturn his… Read more »

December 3, 2020 Craic & Codology

By Ann T Biotic Taoi… er, Tánaiste Leo Varadkar was cutting an increasingly isolated figure last night as the country remained in the dark about how the government intends to distribute the Covid-19 vaccine when it becomes available. One close friend of the Fine Gael leader said his “good pal Leo has not even whispered… Read more »

December 3, 2020 Craic & Codology

By Owen Goal Ireland soccer boss Stephen Kenny plans to show his players footage of epic moments in Fianna Fáil’s history for his batch of pre-match motivational videos during next year’s World Cup qualification campaign. “He’s got amazing excerpts from the McCracken Tribunal, where Charlie Haughey’s last-ditch defending is truly inspired,” says one source close… Read more »

December 3, 2020 Craic & Codology

Leo Varadkar has told the Dáil that he never met Minister for Justice Helen McEntee, with whom he has worked closely over the past eight years. “Opposition TDs have been trying to portray me as someone who has been in government with Helen McEntee, my Cabinet colleague,” said the Tánaiste. “This may be the case but,… Read more »

December 3, 2020 Craic & Codology

A prominent Sinn Féin TD has been severely criticised for glorifying a shocking massacre. “It is a crass and baseless move and no less than what we’d expect from Sinn Féin,” said one Fianna Fáil TD. “To so flagrantly celebrate the ongoing bloodbath that was revealed in the latest polling numbers for the party is… Read more »

December 3, 2020 Craic & Codology

It’s that time of the year again and here is Goldhawk’s guide to some of the virtual pantos on offer throughout the festive season: Big Belligerent Woulfe The three little piggies (Leo, Micheál and Eamon) discover that the big bad Woulfe has locked himself into his ivory tower and is refusing to budge. While the… Read more »

December 3, 2020 Craic & Codology

New Louth football boss Mickey Harte said he is “chomping at the bit” to renew his bitter rivalry with old foes RTÉ. The three-time All-Ireland winner recently left his native Tyrone and was immediately signed up by the Wee County. Hopes are now high that the infamous antagonism between the parties will help inject some… Read more »

December 3, 2020 Craic & Codology

Chief medical officer Dr Tony Holohan has called for an end to victim blaming in relation to Cabinet members who shoot themselves in the foot. In sporting terms, he said recent controversies (including Helen McEntee and Leo Varadkar) had been very enjoyable and helped people “get through the challenge” of stay-at-home measures. He lauded the… Read more »

December 3, 2020 Craic & Codology

Eoghan Murphy has acknowledged he was living on a different planet when he introduced co-living guidelines two years ago. The former minister backed his successor Darragh O’Brien’s decision to ban such developments and said, “Hopefully it can end the situation where Fine Gael has to squeeze into bed alongside Fianna Fáil.” Mr Murphy admitted the… Read more »

December 2, 2020 Craic & Codology

Health Minister Stephen Donnelly expressed his relief that vaccines may be available by the new year. “Finally, the end of this virus is in sight and our overstretched health system can return to its typical levels of overcrowding.”

November 5, 2020 Craic & Codology

Right goys, can you believe this storm in a teacup over me sharing some allegedly ‘sensitive’ information with a best bud!? People need to get perspective – it’s not as if I was caught drink-driving or anything! (Did you see Barry Cowen come out supporting me? Lol!). To all those Shinners and looney lefties criticising… Read more »

November 5, 2020 Craic & Codology

As Ireland looks ahead to its concluding Nations League games against Bulgaria and Wales, boss Stephen Kenny has revealed ambitious new plans to score a goal. “People will say this is a drastic departure for the team,” said Kenny. “But I’m determined to change the perception of Irish football and I’m convinced we can score… Read more »

November 5, 2020 Craic & Codology

Exclusive extracts from his explosive autobiography, ‘Tullow Tank’ Fuel 2008 Eddie O’Sullivan can sense that I’m still unsure about my best position. But he soon recognises my tackling ability and takes me aside quietly to put me at ease. “You’re a total flanker, Seánie. No question about it.” High praise indeed and something that helps… Read more »

November 5, 2020 Craic & Codology

There were growing calls across Ireland last night for Fianna Fáil to have its fate sealed for the next 30 years. The calls to stow away the party and silence it for decades comes after thousands of people recalled its role in some of the State’s darkest days. “Where do you start?”, asked one mother… Read more »

November 5, 2020 Craic & Codology

Ignorant, right-wing megalomaniac continues to be ignorant right-wing megalomaniac There was widespread shock throughout America this week when an ignorant, right-wing megalomaniac who is obsessed with himself turned out to be an ignorant right-wing megalomaniac who is divorced from reality. On other pages Pope still claims to be head of the Catholic Church. Grizzly bears… Read more »

November 5, 2020 Craic & Codology

As expected, it’s all there – the distasteful political shenanigans, the undignified lust for power at all costs and the relentless self-obsession; I don’t know how Fine Gael tolerated him. – Eamon Dunphy I can’t believe he could find any complaint whatsoever with getting into bed with as lovely a bunch of chaps as ever… Read more »

November 5, 2020 Craic & Codology

The government has made a shock plea to the UN for a special shipment of sanitisers, wipes and detergents as sleaze and scandal threaten to overwhelm the Oireachtas. There are also growing concerns about the number of heavily sanitised press releases being issued hourly by Cabinet. “Deputies are understandably furious about having their ready-made supply… Read more »

November 5, 2020 Craic & Codology

Retailers have demanded immediate action be taken against unauthorised traders who are taking advantage of strict lockdown rules. The plea comes after it emerged that unscrupulous wheeler dealers in Leinster House were found to be hawking non-essential goods to the public. It’s believed an entire black market economy has built up around the industry of… Read more »

November 5, 2020 Craic & Codology

Vacancy: good swimmer wanted Due to an unexpected development, Kerry County Council now has a vacancy in its Maritime Attraction Sector in the Dingle area. Previous experience is not a prerequisite, but the successful applicant will be a strong swimmer and will be expected to remain in the water at all times. Excellent social skills… Read more »