October 22, 2020 Craic & Codology

By Ann T. Dote Experts say they now believe it could “be years and years” before a treatment for the Republic of Ireland’s goal drought is developed. The national side is currently enduing a horrendous resurge in Kenny-19 – named after the average number of scoring opportunities missed per game. “It seems to have mutated… Read more »

October 22, 2020 Craic & Codology

Health Minister Stephen Donnelly has introduced tougher safety standards to prevent accidents over the Halloween holiday period. Speaking to reporters last night, Mr Donnelly said: “I am extremely proud of my success throughout the pandemic in presenting clear guidelines about self-protection – but hey – it’s not all about looking after my ministerial career. “As… Read more »

October 22, 2020 Craic & Codology

Ryanair’s Michael O’Leary has denied allegations that his decision to mothball the Cork and Shannon bases was influenced by the departure of Fungie the dolphin from the region. The CEO said he completely understands the decision of Fungie to pull-out of Ireland. Outspoken O’Leary also praised the dolphin’s years of loyal service in helping to… Read more »

October 8, 2020 Craic & Codology

THERE WAS once a Big Bad Woulfe whose main interest in life was sitting on a bench and punishing wrong-doers. One day he joined some old pals in the scenic woods at Clifden, huddled around an enormous hotel table laden down with fine food and drink and money. But some people thought this was all… Read more »

October 8, 2020 Craic & Codology

by David McWilliams Talk about chickens coming home to roost! Everything I predicted about Ireland’s topsy-turvy economic trajectory has now actually happened. How different life would be if only Paschal Donohoe had paid proper attention to a star celebrity economist like me. But with Budget 2021 looming, it’s not too late to avail of some… Read more »

October 8, 2020 Craic & Codology

Save Séamus from the social media death squads Séamus’s worried face says it all. Since attending the Golfgate dinner in August, his every waking moment has been a living nightmare, culminating in him facing no consequences whatsoever. Just think, all that pain and suffering, topped off with Séamus being forced to retain his place on… Read more »

October 8, 2020 Craic & Codology

by Our Educational Staff L.C. Fayle The Department of Education was forced to apologise last night after no new errors had been found over the previous 12 hours in relation to the calculated grading system for this year’s Leaving Cert examinations. “We simply cannot understand what went right here,” said education minister Norma Failure. “We… Read more »

October 8, 2020 Craic & Codology

Goldhawk’s Halloween Shop is delighted to unveil its exclusive range of spooky outfits for the 2020 festival Zombie Taoiseach The Zombie Taoiseach ensemble includes everything you need to emulate the leader of Fianna Fáil. Costume includes running sores, open wounds, lots of backbiting and freshly sharpened knives. Customers are advised to hurry though because once… Read more »

October 8, 2020 Craic & Codology

Sources close to Taoiseach Micheál Martin say the Fianna Fáil leader is “deeply dismayed and angry” over former Fine Gael senator and junior minister Michael D’Arcy’s sudden defection to the Irish Association of Investment Managers. “Micheál might be saying he’s just a bit ‘uncomfortable’ with it, but deep inside he’s taking it very badly, like,”… Read more »

October 8, 2020 Craic & Codology

Transferring from public service to the private world of high finance can be a cumbersome process. That’s why the Irish government and the domestic financial sector have collaborated in developing a customised set of REVOLVING DOORS. Once installed, you can easily slide from one side to the other with no questions asked. Just check out… Read more »

October 8, 2020 Craic & Codology

By Our Environmental Staff Patty O’Heater Green Party Leader Eamon Ryan has unveiled a series of eco-friendly measures designed to solve the country’s public transport shortfall. At a press conference yesterday, Mr Ryan outlined his latest plans to transform travel and transport within a totally “green”, carbon-free framework. The new eco strategy means that motor… Read more »

October 8, 2020 Craic & Codology

Ireland’s new football dawn/nightmare under Stephen Kenny has commenced, following the triumphant win/cataclysmic loss away to Slovakia. Kenny’s possession-based approach has been completely vindicated/discredited on the back of this historic victory/debacle, which ensures the manager and his team a playoff final/the status of footballing minnow. Fans will long cherish/curse the memory of this phenomenal achievement/embarrassment,… Read more »

October 8, 2020 Craic & Codology

Get away this Christmas for the holiday of a lifetime! Book now for amazing deals on European destinations* from Cork and Shannon** and make big savings***! * If there are any destinations available ** Unless we cease flying from these airports *** In the event of cancellations, refunds will be available by 2022

October 8, 2020 Craic & Codology

“Donald, please get well soon so that I can use Facebook to get you elected again.” Vladimir Putin “Get well Donald – sad to see US with no head, like my uncle.” Kim Jong Un “Nothing wrong with him at all, he should get up and stop whingeing.” Roy Keane

October 8, 2020 Craic & Codology

Exclusive extracts from Mary McAleese’sautobiography November 1997: The whole of Ireland celebrates my astounding triumph as the first northern nationalist in Áras an Uachtaráin. There is general consensus that this is a momentous event. People such as Ghandi, JFK and Mandela come to mind. Only the dreary Eoghan Harris causes trouble, by writing lots of… Read more »

October 8, 2020 Craic & Codology

A private member’s Bill on ‘assisted drinking’, which would allow those looking to drink with dignity to continue their habit without undue interference by the state, is to be discussed by ministers. The bill proposes that drinking alcohol in public spaces be legalised in all local council areas, beginning with the Spanish Arch in Galway…. Read more »

October 8, 2020 Craic & Codology

Labour leader Alan Kelly has angrily denied his support for the Right to Die Bill was prompted by the latest round of opinion polls. Sources close to Kelly claim he now realises his party has become a terrible burden on the Irish people and has no viable future. Speaking on the basis of strict anonymity,… Read more »

October 8, 2020 Craic & Codology

A man who claimed to be the President of the United States and who recently checked into the Wally Reed Hospital, carrying only a bottle of household disinfectant, continues to be the subject of wild speculation. A liar for the man (surely Lawyer? – Ed) has insisted that his client was admitted to the Wally… Read more »

October 8, 2020 Craic & Codology

Ming Flanagan has been plunged into a fresh political controversy after sending a routine tweet about European parliamentary business. Though the tweet was subsequently deleted, screengrabs have circulated widely online. “Unfortunately, my account was hacked earlier,” explained Flanagan in a live video stream, in which he wore only his underwear. “I can appreciate it would… Read more »

October 8, 2020 Craic & Codology

Operation Lockjaw will see new restrictions placed on households and visitors in west and east Derry for the next three weeks. Citizens of the Waterside may only receive visitors representing the DUP and UUP. Members of the Progressive Unionist Party may also be permitted to attend. However, at these get-togethers, the ‘Traditional Unionist Voice’ must… Read more »

September 23, 2020 Craic & Codology

Ireland’s arts and entertainment industries have warned that the sector may collapse unless the government changes its current approach to the industry. “Live theatre and music have been decimated by the restrictions and we’ve been getting no financial help,” said one promoter. “And now the government has started providing people with more of a spectacle… Read more »

September 23, 2020 Craic & Codology

New guidelines are to be published on how Ireland can live alongside Fianna Fáil for the next six to nine months. The comprehensive strategy is set to include five different levels, with the country to be put on level five – the highest level of alert – in the event of Stephen Donnelly holding a… Read more »

September 23, 2020 Craic & Codology

Some of the greatest works of fiction published in 2020 up for the top prize: Brexit Withdrawal Bill What was thought to be the final chapter in a long-running saga, turns out to only be a set-up to yet another, greater betrayal. Living With Covid Plan An engaging – if slightly muddled – choose-your-own-adventure story… Read more »

September 23, 2020 Craic & Codology

By John Delaney Some of you might have read this new ‘tell-all’ book about my supposed excesses during my time with the FAI. Well, it’s all hogwash! Any discerning reader will see that the whole enterprise is a witch hunt. True fans will know that the one bright spark through the years of turgid Irish… Read more »

September 23, 2020 Craic & Codology

by Our Political Staff Noah Deal BRITISH Prime Minister Boris Johnson last night lashed out at reports that the UK still intended to override the Brexit withdrawal agreement. “All this hysteria about yours truly flaunting international law and flying in the face of so-called trade deal thingies with our Europhobic friends is absolute tosh and… Read more »

September 23, 2020 Craic & Codology

No 37: The Dublin drinking den These once proliferate shelters were long regarded as havens for a plethora of fowl company and fly-by-nights, including same owl bores, vulture-funders, complete bustards, loons, loud swallows and absolute tits. However, a controversial approach by government has seen policy implemented to keep popular watering holes inaccessible. This has caused… Read more »

September 23, 2020 Craic & Codology

In what’s being described as a workplace revolution, many TDs won’t be remotely interested in what’s happening during the new Dáil term. Instead, they are expected to remain in their second homes and chalk up massive expenses during their occasional forays into Dublin. “It makes sense as most of these lads have been phoning it… Read more »

September 23, 2020 Craic & Codology

By our political correspondent Max Pointz Taoiseach and former teacher Micheál Martin has announced that, following the relative success of calculated grades in messing up this year’s Leaving Cert results, the government intends to trial the controversial process for voting in the next general election. How will it work? Instead of the single transferable vote,… Read more »

September 23, 2020 Craic & Codology

To celebrate the launch of the Dublin Theatre Festival, Goldhawk previews some of the hottest performances at this year’s event Leo and Micheál Contemporary reworking of the tragic biblical tale of feuding siblings Cain and Abel. Two bloodless brothers fight it out for political dominance and relevance. Expect a very stage-managed performance from one of… Read more »

September 23, 2020 Craic & Codology

As we prepare to head into the flu season, as a medical professional – have I mentioned I’m a doctor as well as everybody’s fav pandemic taoiseach? – I have developed a special glossary to help explain some medical mumbo jumbo. Needle Implement used to administer vaccines, which involves poking and prodding at someone until… Read more »

September 23, 2020 Craic & Codology

Johnson shouted “Up the RA” (Royal Academy? – Ed) as the men left court By our EU correspondent Hans Cuft Two accused men – Lewis Brandon and Bojo Johnson – from Parliament Street, Borris, Co Tipperary presented what the judge referred to as “a most unusual plea” in a recent case involving billions of euro… Read more »

September 23, 2020 Craic & Codology

Exclusive to all tabloids A former rock musician who was in a Manchester band during the 1990s has complained that wearing a face mask is a violation of his civil liberties. Meanwhile, people who are worried about Covid-19 have reacted by trying to remember some of the band’s awful songs. On Other Pages Bonehead claims… Read more »

September 23, 2020 Craic & Codology

Charles Manson – good or bad? Ebola outbreaks – positive or negative? Genocide – are you for or against? Do I tweet too much rubbish – yes or no? Are RTÉ presenters overpaid – yes or definitely?