February 11, 2021 Craic & Codology

By Con Dumb, Security Correspondent A crackdown on those who solicit seedy hook-ups is being prepared and will target lobbyists feeling out TDs in and around the Dáil. Intelligence gathered by the gardaí shows an increase in deputies prostituting themselves around major events, such as the passing of legislation affecting big business. “There is some… Read more »

February 11, 2021 Craic & Codology

March: At least 30,000 more excuses from government for delays. April: Mícheál Martin to ramp up media appearances explaining latest failures. May: Leo Varadkar to be rolled out on Prime Time. June: Coalition commits to delivering 50,000 extra press conferences before year-end. July: Country gets another dose of Stephen Donnelly. (That’s enough roll-out – Ed.)

February 11, 2021 Craic & Codology

A woman who has a role in a new Netflix drama series was the subject of countless filler articles in this week’s newspapers. All the stories were about her relationship with her famous father, an ageing Irish rock star. On Other Pages Article about the woman and her famous father – p2 Pics of woman… Read more »

February 11, 2021 Craic & Codology

Ryanair CEO Michael O’Leary has strongly rejected accusations of telling ‘scare stories’ and spreading ‘mass hysteria’ to the general public. The allegations came after the mega-rich businessman repeatedly prophesied that his airline would be “operating normally” again by summer. “It’s a very distressing thought”, said a Kerry mother of four, “especially when people’s mental health… Read more »

February 11, 2021 Craic & Codology

An Garda Síochána has accepted a challenge from members of the public to solve some crimes. In a video shared on the official garda social media pages, officers are seen wearing their uniforms and carrying out investigative work. Recently, gangland figures and sundry criminals have been gleefully dancing around the force, apparently with impunity. “Seeing… Read more »

February 11, 2021 Craic & Codology

Health Minister Stephen Donnelly has praised himself for finding a solution to the logistical difficulties surrounding delivery of vaccines to remote GPs. “Ensuring that these vaccines are delivered safely throughout rural Ireland requires an excellently administered supply chain,” said the under pressure minister. “I’ve brilliantly decided to appoint Leo Varadkar to oversee this process. The… Read more »

February 11, 2021 Craic & Codology

by David McWilliams You don’t have to be a star celebrity economist like myself – although it helps, obviously – to know that stock markets are not for faint-hearted day traders. Take the latest GameStop frenzy, for instance – something I’ve been forecasting for decades. Sure, we all love a feelgood story about plucky underdogs… Read more »

January 28, 2021 Craic & Codology

With pressure mounting for the government to introduce strict quarantine measures for people travelling into Ireland, the Catholic Church has lent its support to the idea. “It would obviously be logistically very tricky to find suitable accommodation to quarantine so many people,” said one priest. “Fortunately, we are offering our services to the Irish government…. Read more »

January 28, 2021 Craic & Codology

Public health experts have expressed concern at the variants the Government is offering on the same tired old excuses. The unconvincing explanations are being offered for a variety of abysmal failures, including schools remaining closed, sky-rocketing Covid cases, further leaks and a collapsing health service. “This highly transmissible new strain was first detected during a… Read more »

January 28, 2021 Craic & Codology

Why not snap up a few items of American history! Items include: Boxes of cleaning products (labelled medical supplies) Tanning bed (heavily used) Building materials for a wall (unused) Brochures for Four Seasons Landscaping Boxes of tax records (shredded) Complete collection of Stormy Daniels’ filmography Collection of letters from pen-pal (Kim Jong-un) McDonald’s loyalty card

January 28, 2021 Craic & Codology

• 09:00: The Ryan Tubridy Show Why those massive RTÉ salaries are justified. • 10:00: Today with Claire Byrne Are RTÉ presenters actually underpaid? • 13:45: Liveline Joe Duffy from Ballyfermot tells us his tragic story of struggling to get by on a salary of €390,00. • 15:00: The Ray D’Arcy Show What can you… Read more »

January 28, 2021 Craic & Codology

Junior minister Josepha Madigan has apologised for failing to cause offence during a recent interview. Appearing on RTÉ Radio, Madigan offered clear and articulate views on the reopening of schools for children with additional needs. The interview was met with widespread shock on social media with many calling on the minister to resign. “I wish… Read more »

January 28, 2021 Craic & Codology

GOVERNMENT GUIDE TO HAULIERS ON CUTTING THROUGH RED TAPE 1) Buy heavy-duty scissors. 2) Consult Govt. Safety Guidelines Section 58(a) for correct use of scissors. 3) Apply for Approved Certificate (Level 3) allowing scissors handling at Irish ports. 4) Fill in HGV insurance documentation re legal cover in event of scissors-related injury. 5) Send photocopies… Read more »

January 28, 2021 Craic & Codology

Melania weighs up her career options Write Memoirs All-gold coffee table record vit no need for words of any kind. Visuals only of historic times as First Lady role and third wife. Show I can stand on own foot. As independent totally elegant woman. High end of exclusive market. All top range official pics of… Read more »

January 28, 2021 Craic & Codology

There is mounting pressure for a ban on non-essential travel, as government TDs look to put clear blue water between themselves and a series of gaffes. Deputies are keen not to be seen within a hundred miles of recent calamities involving Norma Foley, Stephen Donnelly and Josepha Madigan, with many taking flight at the first… Read more »

January 28, 2021 Craic & Codology

Cut out and lovingly store all of the Junior Minister’s apologies referencing pupils with special needs. This beautiful binder, tastefully decorated with the official Fine Gael logo, comes with 100 slide-in pockets – enough to last until at least 2022! €20.21 WARNING: Binder does not have zip-up facility. Hurry! While Josepha lasts!  

January 28, 2021 Craic & Codology

My Fellow Americans, a cairde, It is with great pride and a supporting American-made handrail that I stand here before you today with a message for all Americans – not just the ones who voted for me, but also the ones who want to shoot me with an easily acquired firearm, or from their own… Read more »

January 28, 2021 Craic & Codology

By our justice reporter – Sam Quentin Unconfirmed reports from Washington say that ex-President Donald Trump came close to executing his former adviser Steve Bannon during the final days of his presidency. According to sources, Trump became confused between the ‘Presidential Pardons’ paper and the ‘Expedited Executions’ list and mistakenly added Bannon’s name to the… Read more »

January 28, 2021 Craic & Codology

Ireland’s Chief Medical Officer has asked the Irish people to ignore anyone making false and irresponsible claims about vaccinations. Speaking today, Dr Holohan said: “While some people would rather gloss over the severity of this pandemic, we must not allow cheap distractions to make us lose sight of the struggle ahead. As such, the promises… Read more »

January 28, 2021 Craic & Codology

Ireland boss Stephen Kenny has called on sporting authorities to “move heaven and earth” to ensure this year’s Six Nations rugby championship goes ahead as planned. The plea comes as doubts remain whether the tournament will take place at all due to rising Covid numbers throughout Europe. Sources close to Kenny believe he is anxious… Read more »

January 28, 2021 Craic & Codology

There is no end in sight to current speculation about when the lockdown will end, with public health experts warning of a fourth wave of opinion pieces from columnists, scientists and academics. “It’s high time we pursued a zero-filler strategy,” insisted Professor Luke O’Neill. “Editors should immediately place all hacks in quarantine and not let… Read more »

January 14, 2021 Craic & Codology

It was absolutely shocking to see Mr Trump’s supporters invade the Capitol building. I can barely get members of my own party to reply to my emails, or get a member of the public to vote for me. So to see the kind of blind loyalty to the President from his supporters is truly inspiring…. Read more »

January 14, 2021 Craic & Codology

The government has abandoned plans to reopen the Dáil three days a week on the back of mounting opposition from TDs. In a statement, education minister Norma Foley expressed disappointment, saying many TDs were “at a vital stage of their development, as they learn how to fill out expense forms, elbow their way onto foreign… Read more »

January 14, 2021 Craic & Codology

SOCIAL MEDIA was overwhelmed with messages of support for an Irish journalist who reported on events across the Atlantic last week. Somehow, the reporter managed to report on the events for CNN even though there were other people gathered in the vicinity at the time, many sporting dangerous looking haircuts. Some war correspondents, currently under… Read more »

January 14, 2021 Craic & Codology

By Al Ergic Ireland’s efforts to speed up the coronavirus vaccine programme is poised to reach a new level following news that the Department of Health has ordered a new box of syringes. Announcing the measure, Health Minister Stephen Donnelly said the box of four syringes would double the Department’s capacity to deliver the vaccine…. Read more »

January 14, 2021 Craic & Codology

Goldhawk previews the participants in the brand new series of Ireland’s Fittest Family: The Varadkars Obsessed with spin and social climbing, team patriarch Leo likes to flex his political muscles but there are concerns over his metabolic age of 96. The Martins Bitterly divided clan who are constantly at each other’s throats over the thorny… Read more »

January 14, 2021 Craic & Codology

Stitch and Soar! Celebrate the completion of any major surgery with a bargain Ryanair flight to any of over 100 destinations – from just €9.99! Simply show your fresh stitches to one of our sales reps to avail of the discount! Plaster and Fly! Your busted knee is safely encased and on the mend! Now… Read more »

January 14, 2021 Craic & Codology

Despite some pundits saying he has a tendency to hold onto possession for far too long and be wasteful with opportunities, John Delaney is being linked to a shock return to Ireland. A move to arrange his transfer from his current commitments in England seems to be very much on the cards. “John is the… Read more »

January 14, 2021 Craic & Codology

The HSE has confirmed that large swathes of the country have received their first dose of Micheál Martin for 2021. This will be backed up by a second “booster injection” conceived by the coalition’s army of spin doctors, who plan to substantially ramp up Leo Varadkar’s media appearances over the next few months. “More broadly,… Read more »

January 14, 2021 Craic & Codology

Members of the public are advised to be aware of a new vaccine scam, whereby the government is attempting to convince vulnerable members of the public that the rollout isn’t a complete shambles. If you come across this cruel hoax, contact the HSE, and we’ll try to fit the investigation into our hectic three-people-a-week vaccination… Read more »

January 14, 2021 Craic & Codology

RTÉ director general Dee Forbes has apologised for content broadcast on the New Year’s Eve special, which left many viewers traumatised. The national broadcaster said it had received thousands of complaints about the items aired which, Forbes accepted, “fell below even our standards”. The RTÉ director general admitted that, given the competition, she hadn’t expected… Read more »

January 14, 2021 Craic & Codology

St Silver Spoon’s, Rathgar Ralph Lauren Institute, Dalkey School of Rugby Playing, Killiney Expensive High, Rathmines Old Boys College, Ballsbridge

January 14, 2021 Craic & Codology

by Phil Front-Page Anger. Outrage. Disbelief. These are just some of the emotive words I’ve been using all this week to describe the government’s irresponsible handling of the pandemic. In foolishly opting for a temporary feel-good Covid Christmas effect, they completely ignored the long-term interests of the entire nation. How could they risk everything for… Read more »

January 14, 2021 Craic & Codology

Humble new year greetings from your liberal-style Supreme Pontiff in the Covid-conscious Vatican. Make no mistake, this virus is the greatest evil in society, aside from the now round-the-clock routine blasphemy on RTÉ. So why-oh-why are so many of our ill-advised young people still holidaying as if there is nothing at all to worry about?… Read more »

January 14, 2021 Craic & Codology

There is mounting concern over the negative social consequences of “takeaway TDs”, with health experts warning that the government’s off-the-shelf policies are running the country into the ground. “Micheál Martin has them all drinking the Kool Aid,” warned a HSE spokesman. “They’re drunk on power and cabinet gatherings have been known to get dangerously out… Read more »

January 14, 2021 Craic & Codology

The Mexican government has lashed out at the American government for “failing in its promise” to complete a border wall between the two countries and has vowed to finish the structure itself. The accusation comes in the wake of the shocking Capitol riots in Washington. “The Americans have left us at the mercy of anyone… Read more »