December 16, 2020 Craic & Codology

by Owen Goal The Republic of Ireland’s hopes of winning the 2022 World Cup suffered a severe setback last week after they were drawn against several other international teams, some of which feature professional footballers. According to an FAI insider, “Everything was going to plan until we learned we’d been placed into the so-called Group… Read more »

December 16, 2020 Craic & Codology

Poor judgement was shown by those attending the retirement party of one staff member. RTÉ acknowledges that there are far too many presenters who should be considering their own retirements instead. There were unacceptable levels of mixing going on throughout the event. RTÉ was disappointed to note the presence of top-end spirits being used to… Read more »

December 3, 2020 Craic & Codology

There is a growing acceptance within Cabinet that the political sector is unlikely to reopen within the lifetime of this government. Whilst there had been some optimism that TDs may actually do some work before Christmas, government sources tacitly acknowledged most deputies are likely to spend December running up hefty tabs in restaurants and gastropubs…. Read more »

December 3, 2020 Craic & Codology

Following the sad passing of the soccer icon, Goldhawk spoke to some famous faces to get their thoughts on Maradona. Shane Ross A cheeky little right-winger who always felt comfortable in the spotlight. But that’s enough about yours truly. He effortlessly led a bunch of journeymen to glory. Reminds me of the Independent Alliance. Bertie… Read more »

December 3, 2020 Craic & Codology

With Brexit just around the corner, it’s time to celebrate the things that really make Britain great. Which is why we can’t allow Johnny Foreigner to ride roughshod over all that we hold dear – and that means standing up for the humble sausage. Let’s face it, nothing beats a good old sizzling sossy –… Read more »

December 3, 2020 Craic & Codology

Departing US President Donald Trump remained unrepentant last night, despite calls for a pardon he granted to a complete turkey to be reversed. Critics say the president chose “one of the most crooked turkeys in the country” to pardon. However the president insists he has “no intention of conceding” to the requests to overturn his… Read more »

December 3, 2020 Craic & Codology

By Ann T Biotic Taoi… er, Tánaiste Leo Varadkar was cutting an increasingly isolated figure last night as the country remained in the dark about how the government intends to distribute the Covid-19 vaccine when it becomes available. One close friend of the Fine Gael leader said his “good pal Leo has not even whispered… Read more »

December 3, 2020 Craic & Codology

By Owen Goal Ireland soccer boss Stephen Kenny plans to show his players footage of epic moments in Fianna Fáil’s history for his batch of pre-match motivational videos during next year’s World Cup qualification campaign. “He’s got amazing excerpts from the McCracken Tribunal, where Charlie Haughey’s last-ditch defending is truly inspired,” says one source close… Read more »

December 3, 2020 Craic & Codology

Leo Varadkar has told the Dáil that he never met Minister for Justice Helen McEntee, with whom he has worked closely over the past eight years. “Opposition TDs have been trying to portray me as someone who has been in government with Helen McEntee, my Cabinet colleague,” said the Tánaiste. “This may be the case but,… Read more »

December 3, 2020 Craic & Codology

A prominent Sinn Féin TD has been severely criticised for glorifying a shocking massacre. “It is a crass and baseless move and no less than what we’d expect from Sinn Féin,” said one Fianna Fáil TD. “To so flagrantly celebrate the ongoing bloodbath that was revealed in the latest polling numbers for the party is… Read more »

December 3, 2020 Craic & Codology

It’s that time of the year again and here is Goldhawk’s guide to some of the virtual pantos on offer throughout the festive season: Big Belligerent Woulfe The three little piggies (Leo, Micheál and Eamon) discover that the big bad Woulfe has locked himself into his ivory tower and is refusing to budge. While the… Read more »

December 3, 2020 Craic & Codology

New Louth football boss Mickey Harte said he is “chomping at the bit” to renew his bitter rivalry with old foes RTÉ. The three-time All-Ireland winner recently left his native Tyrone and was immediately signed up by the Wee County. Hopes are now high that the infamous antagonism between the parties will help inject some… Read more »

December 3, 2020 Craic & Codology

Chief medical officer Dr Tony Holohan has called for an end to victim blaming in relation to Cabinet members who shoot themselves in the foot. In sporting terms, he said recent controversies (including Helen McEntee and Leo Varadkar) had been very enjoyable and helped people “get through the challenge” of stay-at-home measures. He lauded the… Read more »

December 3, 2020 Craic & Codology

Eoghan Murphy has acknowledged he was living on a different planet when he introduced co-living guidelines two years ago. The former minister backed his successor Darragh O’Brien’s decision to ban such developments and said, “Hopefully it can end the situation where Fine Gael has to squeeze into bed alongside Fianna Fáil.” Mr Murphy admitted the… Read more »

December 2, 2020 Craic & Codology

Health Minister Stephen Donnelly expressed his relief that vaccines may be available by the new year. “Finally, the end of this virus is in sight and our overstretched health system can return to its typical levels of overcrowding.”

November 5, 2020 Craic & Codology

As Ireland looks ahead to its concluding Nations League games against Bulgaria and Wales, boss Stephen Kenny has revealed ambitious new plans to score a goal. “People will say this is a drastic departure for the team,” said Kenny. “But I’m determined to change the perception of Irish football and I’m convinced we can score… Read more »

November 5, 2020 Craic & Codology

Right goys, can you believe this storm in a teacup over me sharing some allegedly ‘sensitive’ information with a best bud!? People need to get perspective – it’s not as if I was caught drink-driving or anything! (Did you see Barry Cowen come out supporting me? Lol!). To all those Shinners and looney lefties criticising… Read more »

November 5, 2020 Craic & Codology

Exclusive extracts from his explosive autobiography, ‘Tullow Tank’ Fuel 2008 Eddie O’Sullivan can sense that I’m still unsure about my best position. But he soon recognises my tackling ability and takes me aside quietly to put me at ease. “You’re a total flanker, Seánie. No question about it.” High praise indeed and something that helps… Read more »

November 5, 2020 Craic & Codology

Ignorant, right-wing megalomaniac continues to be ignorant right-wing megalomaniac There was widespread shock throughout America this week when an ignorant, right-wing megalomaniac who is obsessed with himself turned out to be an ignorant right-wing megalomaniac who is divorced from reality. On other pages Pope still claims to be head of the Catholic Church. Grizzly bears… Read more »

November 5, 2020 Craic & Codology

As expected, it’s all there – the distasteful political shenanigans, the undignified lust for power at all costs and the relentless self-obsession; I don’t know how Fine Gael tolerated him. – Eamon Dunphy I can’t believe he could find any complaint whatsoever with getting into bed with as lovely a bunch of chaps as ever… Read more »

November 5, 2020 Craic & Codology

There were growing calls across Ireland last night for Fianna Fáil to have its fate sealed for the next 30 years. The calls to stow away the party and silence it for decades comes after thousands of people recalled its role in some of the State’s darkest days. “Where do you start?”, asked one mother… Read more »

November 5, 2020 Craic & Codology

The government has made a shock plea to the UN for a special shipment of sanitisers, wipes and detergents as sleaze and scandal threaten to overwhelm the Oireachtas. There are also growing concerns about the number of heavily sanitised press releases being issued hourly by Cabinet. “Deputies are understandably furious about having their ready-made supply… Read more »

November 5, 2020 Craic & Codology

Retailers have demanded immediate action be taken against unauthorised traders who are taking advantage of strict lockdown rules. The plea comes after it emerged that unscrupulous wheeler dealers in Leinster House were found to be hawking non-essential goods to the public. It’s believed an entire black market economy has built up around the industry of… Read more »

November 5, 2020 Craic & Codology

Vacancy: good swimmer wanted Due to an unexpected development, Kerry County Council now has a vacancy in its Maritime Attraction Sector in the Dingle area. Previous experience is not a prerequisite, but the successful applicant will be a strong swimmer and will be expected to remain in the water at all times. Excellent social skills… Read more »

November 5, 2020 Craic & Codology

’I don’t know where the confusion is coming from – the essential retail list is a straightforward collection of non-essential items. If you pop into the shop to buy some bread, you can’t buy underpants, although you can if they’re on sale for €2.99. Common sense should be applied, so if you’re buying a widescreen… Read more »

November 5, 2020 Craic & Codology

Labour leader Alan Kelly has said he has no intention of following the example of his counterpart, Keir Starmer, and suspending his predecessor as party leader. While Kelly claimed Corbyn and Brendan Howlin shared certain characteristics, if not views, he admitted that he would not be following Starmer’s course of action. “Both Brendan and Jeremy… Read more »

November 5, 2020 Craic & Codology

There is to be no change in the Government’s worship of power and money, following a meeting between Taoiseach Micheál Martin and Catholic archbishops. Level 5 restrictions will also allow for Cabinet ministers to privately pray for a change in the opinion polls. However, the archbishops did acknowledge that “the public has collectively lost faith… Read more »

October 22, 2020 Craic & Codology

Muintir na hÉireann, your leader speaks. Following consultation with NPHET the government has decided to move the whole country to Level 5. We had hoped to reach a compromise of Level 4.5, perhaps even Level 4.66r, but this unfortunately proved impossible. This was not not a decision taken lightly. Performing a complete about-face, so soon… Read more »

October 22, 2020 Craic & Codology

He once appeared to have it all – successful companies, billions and billions of euro, and a large media empire. Clearly, Dinny was a lucky man. But sometimes your luck runs out. Shocking as it may sound, according to the latest Sunday Times rich-list, Dinny has plummeted from the near peak of the list, and… Read more »

October 22, 2020 Craic & Codology

Exclusive extracts from the U2 frontman’s upcoming memoir, Me, Me, Me! May 1960 And lo, a special child is born and a bright star shines in the skies over the Finglas mean streets with no names. Instant Karma or what, man? So as soon as the whole cognitive thing kicks in, I decide to devote… Read more »

October 22, 2020 Craic & Codology

Due to a combination of factors – the pandemic, economic collapse and endless government gaffes – clocks this year are going back to approximately 1982, or what’s known as “GUBU time”.

October 22, 2020 Craic & Codology

Irish motorists have called on the government to try and phase out the Green Party over the next five years. The plea comes following recent budget initiatives which will increase the cost of buying and running petrol and diesel vehicles. But car owners believe the Greens are responsible for untold irreversible damage to their wallets… Read more »

October 22, 2020 Craic & Codology

Democratic nominee Joe Biden has warned President Trump he will not tolerate a chaotic transition period in the wake of the November elections. “Should we win, we expect a smooth transition of power,” said the former Vice President. “You don’t need to look very far to see these types of handovers causing all sorts of… Read more »

October 22, 2020 Craic & Codology

n “Plenty more clean superlatives to come”, promises Ryan n The government is “fully committed” to rolling out more “eco-friendly sound bytes and energy-saving catchphrases” across future budgets, Green Party leader Eamon Ryan has assured supporters. n The public gave a warm welcome to Budget 2021, which delivered an unprecedented amount of ecological and recyclable… Read more »

October 22, 2020 Craic & Codology

Brexit negotiations have hit a fresh stumbling block, with European diplomats unable to decide if Ireland or the UK has the fishier government. “Boris Johnson loves to throw out red herrings, but Micheal Martin is just a cod,” said one insider. “Certainly, they’re both slippery customers and know how to wriggle their way out of… Read more »

October 22, 2020 Craic & Codology

“It was a breath of fresh air,” says one licence payer who went for a walk on his local cliffs while it was on. “We hadn’t sat down together as a family for years but we got out the deck of cards and had a great time with the television off. Thank you RTE for… Read more »