July 15, 2021 Craic & Codology

The government has said it is “100% confident” there will be no Covid cases from a newly announced line-up of pilot concerts; the first of which will see U2 play a gig comprised entirely of material from the past 20 years, culminating in Bono’s appalling Euro 2020 anthem. One spokesperson said: “We would be shocked… Read more »

July 15, 2021 Craic & Codology

Rank-and-file gardaí have reacted positively to the news that they will now be able to sport beards while dressed in uniform. It’s believed members pressured Commissioner Drew Harris for the move following recent controversies involving the force. “Our officers have been involved in a lot of close shaves over the years and it was starting… Read more »

July 15, 2021 Craic & Codology

Health experts say they are becoming increasingly concerned by the re-emergence of an old variant in Irish politics in recent days. The single case of the Labour party strain, codenamed Bacik, was discovered in Dublin Bay South, where efforts by spin doctors to suppress it failed dismally. There are now fears that the variant may… Read more »

July 15, 2021 Craic & Codology

By Fionnan Spleen Jim O’Callaghan has hit out at his internal critics in Fianna Fáil, insisting the humiliation in Dublin Bay South is actually part of a grand strategy to ensure he becomes party leader. “Of course, there are short-sighted critics who think I had something to do with Dreary Conroy’s 0.05% of the popular… Read more »

July 15, 2021 Craic & Codology

The world of Dublin-fans-with-nothing-better-to-do is holding its breath. The tabloids are working themselves into a frenzy trying to figure out the future of Dublin goalkeeper Stephen Cluxton. One Dublin supporter said: “Frankly, I think far too much attention is being given to this tedious Covid nonsense, and not nearly enough to what’s going to happen… Read more »

July 15, 2021 Craic & Codology

A Night at the Rugby – Classic Marx Brothers farce as our heroes organise a rugby trip to South Africa in the middle of a pandemic, with predictably disastrous consequences! Watch for the madcap scene where a grouchy Gato sends home for four Welsh taxi drivers, in a bid to make up the numbers in… Read more »

May 20, 2021 Craic & Codology

A recent spate of cyber attacks across the HSE and Department of Health have left insiders shocked. “The HSE has long prided itself on running IT systems that are completely impenetrable, even to our users,” said one insider. “Years of chronic under-investment have left our computer networks so antiquated that we just presumed it would… Read more »

May 20, 2021 Craic & Codology

By Grace O’Godd In his first full press conference since taking office, new DUP leader Edwin Poots has moved to reassure the people of Northern Ireland that he is a progressive and enlightened leader. “The heathens sayeth that I shall lead my people to the foot of the mountain and there they shall perish in… Read more »

May 20, 2021 Craic & Codology

After the success of our Covid-19 home testing kits, Lidl Ireland is delighted to bring the following products to the market: Kate O’Connell Water-Tester This device will help you test the waters to see whether you’ll sink or swim. N.B. Provides no indication as to whether you’ll be cast adrift. Cuckoo’s Nest Has a tendency… Read more »

May 20, 2021 Craic & Codology

Michael had some aeroplanes But had no place to go For every time he asked to fly NPHET told him NO! He stomped his feet in anger He warned of doom and gloom Oh how the people laughed to see Mick begging for leg room!

May 20, 2021 Craic & Codology

by Our Property Staff Amid the current glut of grim warnings that house prices could treble by the end of this year, my editor suggested that I should consider writing a personal account direct from the housing crisis frontline. “A hard-hitting piece giving the human angle on what it means to be a housing victim… Read more »

May 20, 2021 Craic & Codology

Governments to jointly select a can that will be launched down the road Further meeting next month to discuss possible summit to arrange next meeting Micheál and Boris jointly committed to maximising photo-ops Discuss nitty-gritty of NI protocol some other time More mealy-mouthed stuff about border poll from Micheál Boris to continue redecorating flat (That’s… Read more »

May 20, 2021 Craic & Codology

A deal between RTÉ and Virgin will allow Ireland’s 2022 Six Nations campaign to remain free-to-air, meaning fans around the country will be able to enjoy the team’s routing of Italy, as well as the inevitable spectacular implosion against one or all of England, Scotland and Wales. RTÉ’s Dee Forbes welcomed the latest addition to… Read more »

May 20, 2021 Craic & Codology

The government has reacted angrily to An Taisce’s objection to a Kildare Street cheese plant, which has been milking taxpayers on an industrial scale for decades. The plant specialises in a process known as “creaming it”, even as voters’ hopes curdle. “TDs are known for their cheesy smiles, but the whole place stinks,” said a… Read more »

May 20, 2021 Craic & Codology

Transport Government parties carrying too many passengers Aviation Eamon Ryan’s head is constantly stuck in the clouds Environment Climate Bill is far too full of hot air Agriculture Healy Raes should be forced to cut the bull Infrastructure TDs will pay a massive penalty for even mentioning water charges Planning Government preparing to die on… Read more »

May 20, 2021 Craic & Codology

Yes, of course, it’s vital to apologise over the tragic events in Ballymurphy back in 1971. These sad episodes took place in the distant past. Unlike today when the only thing people are interested in is my brilliantly successful vaccine roll-out. Known to be 97% effective in protecting Bozza from different variants of sleaze accusations…. Read more »

May 20, 2021 Craic & Codology

Sir, I would like to draw your attention to an unrivalled journalistic opportunity that has just arisen. As you may be aware, the esteemed journalist Mr Eoghan Harris currently finds himself available for work. Mr Harris is a man of the utmost integrity and his work has been the subject of much comment. I’m fortunate… Read more »

May 20, 2021 Craic & Codology

This timeless Nancy Mitford epic of love and loss (of trousers and dignity mainly) has already been hailed as the most sensational drama series since the BBC’s classic version of Tolstoy’s Pwhoar and Sleaze. Lily Luvvie (Lily James) – Brilliant portrayal of a headstrong character who is extremely annoying indeed. Lord Madcap (Andrew Scott) –… Read more »

May 20, 2021 Craic & Codology

Following disappointing results in recent local elections, Labour leader Alan Kelly has sent his condolences to his beleaguered opposite number in the UK, Keir Starmer. “It’s surprising that despite choosing a young, dynamic, charismatic, energetic, firebrand as leader, just like us,” said Kelly, “that results across the Irish Sea look even worse than ours.”

May 20, 2021 Craic & Codology

Housing Minister Darragh O’Brien has described proposals for a ‘travel bubble’ between Britain and Ireland as a “game-changer” in the housing crisis. “Irish people have a long tradition of settling in the UK and always find the houses over there very much to their liking,” said the Fianna Fáil minister. “Allowing our hordes of disaffected… Read more »

May 6, 2021 Craic & Codology

Goldhawk profiles some of the beers that will be affected by plans to introduce a Minimum Unit Price for alcohol: Fosters Recently canned due to complaints it wasn’t doing enough to convert potential customers. Replacement will be far more acidic with a definite whiff of sourness. Mickey O’Leary’s Famous for its bitter outpourings and a… Read more »

May 6, 2021 Craic & Codology

Sexual love belongs in a committed relationship between a priest and his housekeeper. Sex is exclusively for the purposes of procreation. Hush money payments are often required to keep the progeny a secret. Failure to do so could result in an orgy of negative media coverage. People who love members of the same sex in… Read more »

May 6, 2021 Craic & Codology

Nightclub door steward The departing DUP leader could certainly be trusted to say NO! to any undesirables trying to gain entry! Assistant to Stephen Kenny The beleaguered gaffer need no longer worry about conceding goals once the tough tackling Arlene instructs his charges on defending tenaciously what nobody else would even try to defend. Historian… Read more »

May 6, 2021 Craic & Codology

What a beautiful sight it was to see all those supporters marching on the centre of power and refusing to concede what is rightfully theirs, by taking matters into their own hands. It fills me with hope for the future. – Donald Trump What’s the problem?! The Yanks take over south Kerry every year without… Read more »

May 6, 2021 Craic & Codology

by Philip A Website I’m usually seen as a fairly unemotional individual, but that all changed today when my editor asked me to churn out a quick feature piece on Maura Higgins, the former Love Island star. “We’re the only paper without a front-page story on Maura’s gutsy decision to post pics of her grey… Read more »

May 6, 2021 Craic & Codology

At long last! Sinn Féin leader Mary Lou McDonald has finally admitted her party’s Abú voter database was not in compliance with data protection laws. This appalling dereliction of duty on the part of Sinn Féin is on a scale we haven’t seen since the Data Protection Commission (DPC) made a number of findings against,… Read more »

May 6, 2021 Craic & Codology

Ireland boss Stephen Kenny has praised UEFA’s controversial decision to strip Dublin of its European Championship games. “Giving the Irish fans a taste of decent football could make my job virtually impossible. What if people saw the designated home team scoring goals at the Aviva? They’d soon expect my lot to start doing something similar…. Read more »

May 6, 2021 Craic & Codology

Gardaí across all ranks believe the provision of body cameras will be a ‘game changer’ in resolving disputes and diffusing tense situations between their members and some sections of the community. “Every night dozens of our lads are served stuff in chippers that they didn’t ask for – and then brazenly told that they did!”,… Read more »

May 6, 2021 Craic & Codology

MIKE HEADBANGER An advocate of returning to 16th century moral values, he is regarded as being on the more moderate wing of the party. His belief that space aliens roam among us could compromise his position on border checks. JOHN CRACKPOT A member of the more religious, Paisleyite wing of the party, he has sharply… Read more »

May 6, 2021 Craic & Codology

With no Euro 2020 games to be played in the Aviva, Goldhawk takes a look at some of the other uses the stadium could be put to. Expanded vaccine distribution centre: With Aviva crowds well used to seeing goals missed, they should accept the inevitable vaccine delays. Sinn Féin data repository: To appease the Irish… Read more »

May 6, 2021 Craic & Codology

Share all your intimate problems with Ursula von der Leyen Dear Ursula, I’m still fuming over getting shafted by that Brussels shower just because (I presume) I am a man. I need a way to get my groove back. “Big Phil” H Rather than complaining about being forced to focus on only your enormous gratuity… Read more »

May 6, 2021 Craic & Codology

From The Book of Covid, Chapter 19. And lo in the year of 21 there walked amongst the people a man known as Blessed Stephen of Donnelly. And many were filled with fear for a great plague didth trouble the earth. But Stephen said unto the masses: ‘”Fear not, for great is my wisdom and… Read more »

May 6, 2021 Craic & Codology

By Donald Crank A new movie starring Micheál Martin and Leo Varadkar has been widely criticised for stretching credibility to the limit. Wild Oireachtas Types sees the duo play a couple of politicians who are hopelessly out of their depth, and find themselves caught up in a series of far-fetched adventures. People have reacted with… Read more »

April 22, 2021 Craic & Codology

Government parties have jumped to criticise Sinn Féin’s use of a voter database, which it is alleged violates data protection rights of voters. One Fine Gael spokesperson said: “As soon as Leo Varadkar is finished speaking to gardaí regarding his leaking of privileged state documents, he’ll issue a statement expressing his outrage at this alleged… Read more »

April 22, 2021 Craic & Codology

There’s a lot more to Ireland than rolling green hills and friendly faces. For instance, visitors may not be aware that right in the middle of the Irish countryside is Limerick, Europe’s murder capital. Serial killers brandish colourful machetes as drug lords load up their stolen SUVs with bullet-ridden bodies. And what about the capital… Read more »

April 22, 2021 Craic & Codology

By Stephen Donnelly There have been a number of nasty rumours lately calling into question the priorities I set for my department. So, I would like to put it beyond doubt that we are working around the clock to address these concerns. I am therefore delighted to announce that this department will be massively ramping… Read more »