August 12, 2021 Craic & Codology

July 29, 2021 Craic & Codology

Spacing Government TDs are advised to keep a safe distance from any problems with the legislation down the line Passes Micheál Martin is hoping the public will give the government a free pass for pushing ahead with the essential reopening of indoor summer dining, if this legislation doesn’t result in further fiascos. Ventilation Ministers are… Read more »

July 29, 2021 Craic & Codology

By Dee Backle Certain DUP MLAs have criticised Secretary of State for Northern Ireland, Brandon Lewis, for his directive ordering Stormont to set up full abortion services in accordance with UK law. DUP leader, Jeffrey Donaldson spoke out against the decision, saying: “I fail to see how Westminster should have the right to officiate what… Read more »

July 29, 2021 Craic & Codology

Brexit minister David Frosty has said if the EU agrees to rewrite certain aspects of the NI protocol, he will be satisfied until “we inevitably have to change it six months after that”. There is now growing belief that the protocol will be adapted into its own Netflix series, with new versions of the text… Read more »

July 29, 2021 Craic & Codology

A newly single middle-aged man (pictured wearing a Stetson, while dressed as an astronaut) said his recent endeavours have been ‘in no way’ the result of a catastrophic mid-life crisis. Sources close to the man in question, a Jeff Bezos, wondered whether the colossal vanity project he embarked on – a trip to space –… Read more »

July 29, 2021 Craic & Codology

The troubled National Maternity Hospital project has been plunged into fresh crisis, after a 24-hour period elapsed in which no new controversy erupted. This is seen as a major setback, with the deadline of building the hospital story to peak levels now unlikely to be met. This development has undoubtedly come as a major shock,”… Read more »

July 29, 2021 Craic & Codology

In an unexpected boost for the economy, mattress manufacturers across Ireland are reporting a surge in sales following the announcement of further bank branch closures in recent days. The decision by AIB means there will soon be just one bank per 700 betting shops in Ireland, while children of crooks operating ATM card skimming operations… Read more »

July 29, 2021 Craic & Codology

Please note callers to our Digital Covid Cert helpline are currently experiencing lengthy delays – however, we are confident your query will be dealt with before the Government Housing Plan arrives, some time in 2030. Also please note there is now a separate number for ministers currently on holidays and foreign junkets, though lines are… Read more »

July 29, 2021 Craic & Codology

The school should certainly not have been offered the vaccines The school was offered the vaccines Therefore the hospital was seriously wrong Tsk Ah shur… Stuff happens It was months ago now anyway Very nice man, that Mr Cullen Very…decisive sort! I think that’s everything sorted chaps Anyone want these leftover biscuits?….

July 29, 2021 Craic & Codology

Following on from the Panorama exposé on the horseracing industry, a further scandal has erupted, with evidence emerging that Fianna Fáil sent forward Deirdre Conroy to be slaughtered in Dublin Bay South. There is now mounting concern that scores more FF candidates will suffer as the party is set to be butchered in the next… Read more »

July 29, 2021 Craic & Codology

There were calls for tighter channel controls in Britain last night after a middle-aged man with a ‘foreign sounding’ name was discovered clinging to the side of a rapidly sinking ship. The man, named as a Mr ‘Farage’, had boarded the vessel GB News, an already antiquated rust bucket that has been seen struggling in… Read more »

July 29, 2021 Craic & Codology

Meteorologists have warned the public that the intense wave of heat-related stories in the media is expected to continue for quite some time. The unexpected surge in tedious weather-focused pieces has been both ‘sudden’ and ‘dramatic’, said Met Éireann, leading to potentially devastating consequences for readers everywhere. Forecasters also fear that, due to climate change,… Read more »

July 29, 2021 Craic & Codology

Leo Varadkar It’s Wales for me again this year. I love those leek farms…. Mattie McGrath There’s a GAA field in the midlands that was the scene of a mass brawl in the 1960s. Carnage. One guy got a broken thumb. We all have our own Gallipoli’s. Jim O’Callaghan Rome has always appealed to me… Read more »

July 29, 2021 Craic & Codology

By Spleen O’Riordan Organisers of the Tokyo Olympics have said the athletes’ eco-friendly beds were inspired by the Irish government, whose shameless recycling of policies has caught international attention. However, the organisers insist the beds’ flimsy appearance is not an allusion to Team Ireland’s medal chances. “Micheál Martin seems to be an expert at hurdles,… Read more »

July 29, 2021 Craic & Codology

Super-spreader: Ali Price struggles to be one at scrum-half Endemic: Elliott Daly’s poor kicking Pre-existing condition: Warren Gatland’s contempt for the media Quarantining: Conor Murray isolated on the bench Restricted movement: Stuart Hogg on the ball Clinical trials: Allowing Owen Farrell on the pitch Severe lockdown: Lions at the scrum Vulnerable Person: Somebody who needs… Read more »

July 29, 2021 Craic & Codology

Leo Varadkar I’ll be glued to the gymnastics on display at this year’s Games. Watching the athletes tying themselves up in knots and then desperately trying to wriggle free is fantastic. Reminds me of the whole Leo the leak thing, actually. Micheál Martin As somebody who always has a target on his back, I’m naturally… Read more »

July 29, 2021 Craic & Codology

It all happened a bloody long time ago To be honest, it’s awfully boring Who even remembers all that British Army stuff? Besides I’ve got a flat to redecorate And I need to find a way to shut up Cummings, the bastard (That’s enough Johnson – Ed.)

July 29, 2021 Craic & Codology

Pegasus spyware has come under scrutiny after it was confirmed that highly classified communications between government TDs had been compromised. With the threat of highly sensitive information making its way into the public domain, including leaked memos showing deputies discussing All Ireland final tickets, expenses, PR stunts, and the hopelessness of Micheál Martin, ministers were… Read more »

July 29, 2021 Craic & Codology

Health officials have called on the public to be extra vigilant after two more people tested positive for Micheál Martin in recent days. “Norma Foley and Michael McGrath are said to have shown signs of the condition after declining to mask their affection for the present Fianna Fáil leader. “I’m positive he’s doing a great… Read more »

July 29, 2021 Craic & Codology

Environmentalists have raised concerns about the effectiveness of Eamon Ryan’s plans to restore Ireland’s peatlands to their natural state. It is hoped these measures will eventually benefit some species seemingly under threat, such as the Green toadie, and a number of leeches which attempt to cling to persons of power. One party spokesperson said: “The… Read more »

July 29, 2021 Craic & Codology

Chapter 13 – Still a good relationship with the Royal Family One feels one must firstly clarify one’s relationship with my father, or as he affectionately asks me to refer to him as, ‘Prince Charles’. Much has been intimated in the sinister British tabloids that Meghan and I came to regard him as a pathetic,… Read more »

July 29, 2021 Craic & Codology

Book of Quantum Horrific tale about the ritualistic slaughter of innocent consumers by hard-nosed insurance companies and their pathological pursuit of profit. Expect plenty of blood-curdling quotes and comprehensive apathy. Ghosts of Rio Members of the Irish Olympic team complain of being haunted by the ghost of Pat Hickey even though he’s alive and kicking…. Read more »

July 29, 2021 Craic & Codology

Roof about to cave in on coalition Government built on shaky foundations Walls closing in Too many cooks in kitchen and skeletons in closet Ministers too focused on second homes

July 15, 2021 Craic & Codology

Ivana Badsh*t’s remarkable, phenomenal and monumental achievement will go down in Irish history – and maybe world history – as the greatest ever victory for a Sandymount worthy. But even more amazing, unbelievable and utterly astounding is that she beat a young man. I put the boot in in this paper a few days before… Read more »

July 15, 2021 Craic & Codology

Have you seen this football? It’s been missing since last Sunday. It was expected to come home between 10-11pm, but never arrived. Police say they are looking into reports that “a bunch of foreigners” may have run off with it. “They will face bad penalties if we ever catch up with them” said Inspector Boris… Read more »

July 15, 2021 Craic & Codology

Bernard O’Byrne Truly dreadful news for motorists everywhere. I just hope I can avoid car crashes and having to perform tricky U-turns without them in future. Michael O’Leary Good riddance if you ask me; always telling you to steer clear of here, there and everywhere. They’re every bit as bad as those maniacs in Nphet,… Read more »

July 15, 2021 Craic & Codology

By Bert Stone The Tánaiste said efforts to resolve issues surrounding the siting of the country’s new maternity hospital at Elm Park, Dublin, would eventually bear fruit. “There is no way this project is going to be terminated,” assured the Fine Gael leader. Mr Varadkar reassured the public that talks had “not been aborted” and… Read more »

July 15, 2021 Craic & Codology

By May A. Culpa Irish television audiences were left frustrated and disappointed yesterday as it emerged there would be no new documentary focusing on Ian Bailey and the murder of Sophie Tuscan de Plantier this week. “It’s a huge disappointment and very suspicious,” said a frustrated barber in Kilkenny. “Surely the gardaí could dig up… Read more »

July 15, 2021 Craic & Codology

Finance minister Rascal Donohoe is holding out on the OECD’s new corporate tax deal, insisting that US treasury secretary Janet Yellen and other financial big hitters can be won around to our 0.00001% rate for multinationals. “In not signing up, we are aligned with a small but hugely influential group of countries, including Djibouti, the… Read more »

July 15, 2021 Craic & Codology

Run: what to do when somebody tries to hug you Track: similar to tracing, after identifying a new infection Silver: the linings the IOC is looking for in going ahead with the Games Relay: telling somebody else you have Coronavirus Catch: to become infected Shot: measure of vaccination

July 15, 2021 Craic & Codology

Vampires Insurance industry Drains your blood Drains your bank balance Flies by night Fly-by-nights Bites in the neck Has some neck Stake driven through heart Heartless stakes for drivers Daylight terrifies Daylight robbery

July 15, 2021 Craic & Codology

The government has said it is “100% confident” there will be no Covid cases from a newly announced line-up of pilot concerts; the first of which will see U2 play a gig comprised entirely of material from the past 20 years, culminating in Bono’s appalling Euro 2020 anthem. One spokesperson said: “We would be shocked… Read more »

July 15, 2021 Craic & Codology

Rank-and-file gardaí have reacted positively to the news that they will now be able to sport beards while dressed in uniform. It’s believed members pressured Commissioner Drew Harris for the move following recent controversies involving the force. “Our officers have been involved in a lot of close shaves over the years and it was starting… Read more »

July 15, 2021 Craic & Codology

Health experts say they are becoming increasingly concerned by the re-emergence of an old variant in Irish politics in recent days. The single case of the Labour party strain, codenamed Bacik, was discovered in Dublin Bay South, where efforts by spin doctors to suppress it failed dismally. There are now fears that the variant may… Read more »

July 15, 2021 Craic & Codology

By Fionnan Spleen Jim O’Callaghan has hit out at his internal critics in Fianna Fáil, insisting the humiliation in Dublin Bay South is actually part of a grand strategy to ensure he becomes party leader. “Of course, there are short-sighted critics who think I had something to do with Dreary Conroy’s 0.05% of the popular… Read more »

July 15, 2021 Craic & Codology

The world of Dublin-fans-with-nothing-better-to-do is holding its breath. The tabloids are working themselves into a frenzy trying to figure out the future of Dublin goalkeeper Stephen Cluxton. One Dublin supporter said: “Frankly, I think far too much attention is being given to this tedious Covid nonsense, and not nearly enough to what’s going to happen… Read more »