August 26, 2021 Craic & Codology

Fears are growing in south Kerry that the county’s Healy-Rae caps could soon disappear forever due to climate alterations. The threat to the once cool caps comes after apparent gatherings of large groups of people generated immensely hot debate in recent weeks. “That was damaging enough but then showers of people started raining heavy insults… Read more »

August 26, 2021 Craic & Codology

By Kay Bul TEMPORARY TAOISEACH Micheál Martin has reassured Taliban leaders that any Afghan women who flee to Ireland will be regarded fairly and given equal opportunities as men. The move comes as Taliban chiefs expressed their “deep concern” about State treatment of women in Ireland. Says worried Taliban cleric Musthaffa Shyte, “God knows, mná… Read more »

August 26, 2021 Craic & Codology

As culture minister I am often asked to explain complicated terms about the music industry. Here is my easy to understand guide about the issue. Prima donna Someone who loves the sound of their own voice and never listens to anyone. Eamon Ryan is a wonderful example of a prima donna. Soloist Impressive woman who… Read more »

August 26, 2021 Craic & Codology

99.87% of candidates who sat this year’s Leaving Cert have achieved the highest results ever recorded, according to State Examinations Commission figures. Ministers immediately congratulated the class of 2021, insisting that Irish students had clearly become much more intelligent during lockdown. Celebrating last night, one excited 18-year-old said: “So, I got like 13 H1 grade… Read more »

August 26, 2021 Craic & Codology

Micheál Martin How could anyone respect a lame duck leader who couldn’t inspire an ounce of courage among his disgruntled foot soldiers? His weak, ineffective and arrogant government never enjoyed public support either. Dessie Farrell Things looked pretty good for so long but then everything fell apart in a matter of minutes. The Afghan security… Read more »

August 26, 2021 Craic & Codology

Wally The Walrus has urged members of the public to keep their distance from Malcolm Noonan. The junior heritage minister was recently spotted lounging around Dáil Éireann, while the annual summer Dáil exodus has led to coalition TDs being spotted at numerous European sunspots. “The public need to have some cop on,” said Wally. “While… Read more »

August 26, 2021 Craic & Codology

By Annie Hack WE NOW know for certain that humankind has entered the last chance saloon. What is coming down the tracks will make Covid-19 feel like a harmless dose of hiccups. (Great start! – Ed). The Intergovernmental Panic on Climate Change report makes it crystal clear that every man, woman and child who crawls… Read more »

August 26, 2021 Craic & Codology

Busy Owen Keegan ran through the town, Counting every tent, with a heavy frown, Knocking all the soup runs, he said, They should have been, “Asleep in bed in hostels – where they’re never seen”

August 12, 2021 Craic & Codology

Climate scientists have warned of devastating consequences for the government if it continues to generate such immense quantities of hot air. An increasingly heated atmosphere in recent weeks has seen the tide go out for the coalition and this has the potential to cause even more troubled waters in the future, they said. Experts point… Read more »

August 12, 2021 Craic & Codology

Katherine Zappone I was really looking forward to going, but unfortunately I was recently diagnosed with tone-deafness, so maybe it’s all for the best. Van Morrison If they wanted people to stay away they should have asked me to play my new material. Michael O’Leary Actually, I’ve hated music ever since I’ve been told to… Read more »

August 12, 2021 Craic & Codology

Triumphant temporary taoiseach Micheál Martin has hailed “a great day for Ireland” as the country edged ahead of neighbours Britain in the number of feckless, embarrassing political scandals around Covid-19 behaviour. Beaming from ear to ear while thumping his chest, the Fianna Fáil leader said: “We now have a whopping 74.35% of our politicians caught… Read more »

August 12, 2021 Craic & Codology

Irish boxer/Darling Dub Kellie Harrington’s victory was celebrated around the country/by all working-class people and has truly inserted this talented athlete/salt of the earth Jackeen into the pantheon of Irish sporting greats alongside [pick a few working-class types and avoid sailing or hockey]. The majestic achievement of this Olympian/plucky pugilist from Portland Road [check that’s… Read more »

August 12, 2021 Craic & Codology

Operation Transformation Join fitness fanatic Kathryn Thomas as she goes through the motions, flogs dead horses, runs out of ideas and scrapes the bottom of the barrel in search of ratings and her own Saturday night chat show. Prime Time Miriam O’Callaghan and at least a dozen other presenters will return in September to discuss… Read more »

August 12, 2021 Craic & Codology

Ireland’s Olympic boxing hero Kellie Harrington has said she took huge inspiration from the Irish government, whom she describes as “the ultimate lightweights”. The Dublin fighter explained that she was impressed with the coalition’s nimble footwork, particularly when it came to avoiding any issues of substance whatsoever. “The speed they show when scrambling to save… Read more »

August 12, 2021 Craic & Codology

Birthday tributes pour in to Princess Meghan, Duchess of Sussex Katherine Zappone What a breath of fresh air – with her lively intelligence and frisky American background. Such a natural talent for defending freedom of opinion and expression. Meghan has shaken up Buck House’s fuddy-duddy world – and she also knows how to organise an… Read more »

August 12, 2021 Craic & Codology

We’ve asked for more people to be allowed attend this ceremony But it’s a bit of a Hail Mary The government is a disgrace Lord we’re sick of Stephen Donnelly Blessed art rebel bishops and Mattie McGrath And what a mess they’ve made of these guidelines I mean, Jesus! Holy Mary, Mother of God Have… Read more »

August 12, 2021 Craic & Codology

Captain Covetous with a crew member typically responsible for leaks By A Bandon-Shippe Two of Cork’s most famous sons, Simon Covetous and Mehole Martin, put on a valiant display of grit, speed and endurance, as they raced to see who could be the first to have their photograph taken with Olympic gold medallists Paul O’Donovan… Read more »

August 12, 2021 Craic & Codology

RTÉ is facing an “existential crisis” which could finally force it to produce some half-decent programmes, according to a shock report commissioned by the BAI. The bombshell document suggested the national broadcaster may have to rethink its programming strategy, which currently consists of churning out unwatchable dreck featuring the likes of Brendan O’Connor, Doireann Garrihy… Read more »

August 12, 2021 Craic & Codology

This week, Michael Twee’s: No More Work Every time I get the post I see the things I hate the most Reams and reams of feckin’ paper Sign this, sign that, sign ten more later I’ve dogs to walk and poems to write! I can’t be reading all this sh*te!! That’s why I said, “Sabina,… Read more »

August 12, 2021 Craic & Codology

by Our Music Staff Paige Filler There was widespread disbelief within the entertainment world yesterday following news that Sir Van Morrison had failed to make the headlines for all the wrong reasons by behaving sensibly in dropping his legal action. “It’s a crying shame because Van Morrison is a role model for hundreds of people… Read more »

August 12, 2021 Craic & Codology

Gardaí are warning citizens to be wary of scam calls that have been targeting Irish phone numbers over recent weeks. The calls, which come from a blocked number, play a pre-recorded message of a frantic journalist asking if anybody has any news. “We’re weeks into silly season, my editor just asked me to live-tweet my… Read more »

August 12, 2021 Craic & Codology

By Senan Baloney A source in the cabinet has conducted a new sting operation, amid growing concern in government circles that a minister has actually been doing some work. Cabinet members’ time is usually taken up with leaking stories to favourable hacks, attending piss-ups in five-star hotels and appointing their pals to cushy UN gigs,… Read more »

August 12, 2021 Craic & Codology

Dear Ceann Comhairle, As you may know, heads of state are extremely busy people, I will not name names, but neither the current taoiseach nor any of his muddled ministers seem to comprehend why it is so unseemly that somebody as supremely capable as myself is now faced with the excruciating burden of forensically scrutinising… Read more »

August 12, 2021 Craic & Codology

July 29, 2021 Craic & Codology

Spacing Government TDs are advised to keep a safe distance from any problems with the legislation down the line Passes Micheál Martin is hoping the public will give the government a free pass for pushing ahead with the essential reopening of indoor summer dining, if this legislation doesn’t result in further fiascos. Ventilation Ministers are… Read more »

July 29, 2021 Craic & Codology

By Dee Backle Certain DUP MLAs have criticised Secretary of State for Northern Ireland, Brandon Lewis, for his directive ordering Stormont to set up full abortion services in accordance with UK law. DUP leader, Jeffrey Donaldson spoke out against the decision, saying: “I fail to see how Westminster should have the right to officiate what… Read more »

July 29, 2021 Craic & Codology

Brexit minister David Frosty has said if the EU agrees to rewrite certain aspects of the NI protocol, he will be satisfied until “we inevitably have to change it six months after that”. There is now growing belief that the protocol will be adapted into its own Netflix series, with new versions of the text… Read more »

July 29, 2021 Craic & Codology

A newly single middle-aged man (pictured wearing a Stetson, while dressed as an astronaut) said his recent endeavours have been ‘in no way’ the result of a catastrophic mid-life crisis. Sources close to the man in question, a Jeff Bezos, wondered whether the colossal vanity project he embarked on – a trip to space –… Read more »

July 29, 2021 Craic & Codology

The troubled National Maternity Hospital project has been plunged into fresh crisis, after a 24-hour period elapsed in which no new controversy erupted. This is seen as a major setback, with the deadline of building the hospital story to peak levels now unlikely to be met. This development has undoubtedly come as a major shock,”… Read more »

July 29, 2021 Craic & Codology

In an unexpected boost for the economy, mattress manufacturers across Ireland are reporting a surge in sales following the announcement of further bank branch closures in recent days. The decision by AIB means there will soon be just one bank per 700 betting shops in Ireland, while children of crooks operating ATM card skimming operations… Read more »

July 29, 2021 Craic & Codology

Please note callers to our Digital Covid Cert helpline are currently experiencing lengthy delays – however, we are confident your query will be dealt with before the Government Housing Plan arrives, some time in 2030. Also please note there is now a separate number for ministers currently on holidays and foreign junkets, though lines are… Read more »

July 29, 2021 Craic & Codology

The school should certainly not have been offered the vaccines The school was offered the vaccines Therefore the hospital was seriously wrong Tsk Ah shur… Stuff happens It was months ago now anyway Very nice man, that Mr Cullen Very…decisive sort! I think that’s everything sorted chaps Anyone want these leftover biscuits?….

July 29, 2021 Craic & Codology

Following on from the Panorama exposé on the horseracing industry, a further scandal has erupted, with evidence emerging that Fianna Fáil sent forward Deirdre Conroy to be slaughtered in Dublin Bay South. There is now mounting concern that scores more FF candidates will suffer as the party is set to be butchered in the next… Read more »

July 29, 2021 Craic & Codology

There were calls for tighter channel controls in Britain last night after a middle-aged man with a ‘foreign sounding’ name was discovered clinging to the side of a rapidly sinking ship. The man, named as a Mr ‘Farage’, had boarded the vessel GB News, an already antiquated rust bucket that has been seen struggling in… Read more »

July 29, 2021 Craic & Codology

Meteorologists have warned the public that the intense wave of heat-related stories in the media is expected to continue for quite some time. The unexpected surge in tedious weather-focused pieces has been both ‘sudden’ and ‘dramatic’, said Met Éireann, leading to potentially devastating consequences for readers everywhere. Forecasters also fear that, due to climate change,… Read more »