November 4, 2021 Craic & Codology

Joe Got-The-Humphreys Recently, while watching Spongebob Squarepants – a so-called cartoon which putatively entertains the young – I was struck by the essential shallowness of contemporary consumer culture. Central to this malaise is the vacuous consumption of dreary columnists who churn out the same guff week after week. The problem is at its most chronic… Read more »

November 4, 2021 Craic & Codology

Jeffrey Donaldson I think it is a cowardly move. Even, if you’re the face of a once popular brand, that is increasingly viewed as being past its best and rapidly losing popularity, you should just dig your heels in and fight – or until you’re replaced by an internal coup. Stephen Kenny I think Mark… Read more »

November 4, 2021 Craic & Codology

Red herrings: Protocol, European Court of Justice etc Sole: What Boris Johnson would sell to stay in power Plaice: DUP have been put in theirs Flounder: Lord Frost’s negotiating strategy Sharks: Tory back-benchers Cold Fish: JeffreyDonaldson Minnows: Micheál Martin, Simon Coveney etc Cod: What British government keep trying to do to EU

November 4, 2021 Craic & Codology

By Kath Astrophe Ireland’s nightclub owners have warned that the state faces a “cataclysmic labour shortage” in the decades to come unless the strict guidelines pertaining to re-opening their venues are relaxed. “If the punters can’t get up close and dirty with each other they won’t drink as much”, warned one entrepreneurial investor last night…. Read more »

November 4, 2021 Craic & Codology

The Polish government was inspired to “go it alone” against an “autocratic EU” after seeing footage of a gathering in Danny Healy-Rae’s Kilgaravan pub, contravening a number of Covid-19 restrictions, last summer. A leaked report praises the footage as giving “the Polish government the courage it needed to resist the bullies in Brussels and stand… Read more »

November 4, 2021 Craic & Codology

Scooter Eamon Ryan Annoy motorists Really annoys motorists Metallic Flakey Excellent balance required Has tendency to veer rightwards Visible on the roads Invisible since entering government Lots of standing required Struggles to stand up for beliefs Fold up easily Folds easily No seat No seat after next election

November 4, 2021 Craic & Codology

Today, I want to unveil the next step in the Facebook journey, which we’ve titled Slippery When Meta. It’s an interactive virtual world that will finally allow Russian troll farms, far-right cranks, conspiracy theorists and data harvesting operations to interact face to face. We believe this will provide a rich and endlessly fascinating online environment,… Read more »

October 21, 2021 Craic & Codology

IRISH AUTHOR and voice of a generation Sally Rooney is at the centre of a fresh controversy after refusing to allow her latest book to be published in Hebrew in protest at Israel’s Middle East military policies. Rooney’s decision was immediately welcomed by Palestinians living in the occupied Gaza Strip. “In all the excitement of… Read more »

October 21, 2021 Craic & Codology

Build own colleges in more convenient locations Write own textbooks Devise new syllabus Maybe ask your ma or da to give lectures Sure, do you really need to go to college anyway?

October 21, 2021 Craic & Codology

Chilling Jeffrey Enjoy a stress-free Halloween by escaping all the ghoulish Halloween protocol by pretending to be the leader of the DUP. Pesky will know immediately that you’re not giving an inch – let alone a bag of treats – and will surely offer you a better deal! Eerie Eamon Terrify your neighbours into thinking… Read more »

October 21, 2021 Craic & Codology

British prime minister Boris Johnson is coming under huge pressure from his backbenchers to ditch the deeply unpopular DUP. One government MP claimed the DUP were “damaged goods” and should be “sent packing the next time they start barking orders at us”. The issue of chilled meats was believed to be the final straw for… Read more »

October 21, 2021 Craic & Codology

THE MEDIA world was left reeling last night when it was announced that well-known tourism executive and journalist Nóirín Hegarty had been appointed to head up News Corp’s Irish outposts. “This is a major breakthrough in bringing current affairs to the next level,” said a News Corp spokeswoman for the UK-owned newspaper titles. “Nóirín is… Read more »

October 21, 2021 Craic & Codology

Alan Kelly It’s absolutely ridiculous to suggest that using Facebook on a regular basis will cause anger and resentment. Virtually everyone who voted for Labour in 2011 developed those feelings towards us, completely independent of social media platforms. Callum Robinson Facebook stands accused of injecting poisonous rhetoric into public discourse. But remember folks, we all… Read more »

October 21, 2021 Craic & Codology

In common with all other papers, we may in recent times have given the impression that Ireland’s Covid response was unparalleled anywhere in the world. In particular, this view may have been reinforced by headlines such as ‘SMELLS LIKE VACCINE SPIRIT’; ‘COVID CRUSHED BY THE FIGHTING IRISH’; and ‘PANDEMIC SENT PACKING’. However, following the recent… Read more »

October 21, 2021 Craic & Codology

Fears are growing over the impact supply chain issues will have on the media over the coming weeks and months. Many journalists have reported huge shortages of interesting news stories, resulting in hacks spending massive amounts of time on subjects such as shipping containers, lorries, stevedoring, and Squid Game. One reporter claimed the situation would… Read more »

October 21, 2021 Craic & Codology

International investment funds are “having a laugh” at the government over its housing strategy, according to zillionaire Der Kaiser ‘Dermot’ Desmond. In a series of ‘private’ letters to ministers, Mr Desmond has made an impassioned plea on behalf of people who are dependent on social housing. “Ruthless opportunists in suits have spent a lifetime making… Read more »

October 21, 2021 Craic & Codology

The tánaiste has suggested that boosts for his ego may be required as the coalition threatens to disintegrate. With the government currently hopelessly adrift over a variety of issues, from housing and transport to a collapsing health service, Vlad has said his colossal self-regard may need to be reinforced as we head into the winter…. Read more »

October 21, 2021 Craic & Codology

This was an original show that stood out from the regular fare served up on our channels. Obviously, this is totally contradictory to the values and culture that has brought RTÉ to where it is today. It had to go. – Dee Forbes The idea of two oddball brothers colluding to keep the show on… Read more »

October 21, 2021 Craic & Codology

Micheál Martin: Halloween has always held a very special place in Fianna Fáil’s heart, seeing as most voters associate us with things like ghost estates, zombie banks, vulture funds, condemned houses and nightmarish poll numbers. Simon Coveney: I’ve very mixed emotions about the festival, to be honest. The spectre of Zapponegate is still haunting me… Read more »

October 21, 2021 Craic & Codology

Book your tickets now Experience the gut-churning terror of a political freak show, as you enter the disturbing world of Dáil Éireann. With Micheál Martin’s enemies queuing up to stab him in the back, it can only end in a violent bloodbath… Warning: contains scenes which taxpayers may find stomach churning.

October 21, 2021 Craic & Codology

by Una Malarkey THE CAMPAIGN to have St Brigid’s Day declared a national woke holiday is now unstoppable – thanks, mainly, to myself. This country needs an ultra-potent symbol to double down against pathological male bullies whose only emotional outlet is brutalised repression of all women. The ancient Celtic martyr gifted us with an empowering… Read more »

October 21, 2021 Craic & Codology

William Shatner Micheál Martin Captain of USS Enterprise Captain of sinking ship Worked with aloof Mr Spock Works with aloof Dr Varadkar Experienced weightlessness Notorious lightweight Rocketed to space Poll numbers are plummeting Touched down safely Forever on shaky ground Trip paid for by Jeff Bezos Always pays tribute to Amazon Defied gravity Oblivious to… Read more »

October 21, 2021 Craic & Codology

A GAA county board is to launch an urgent investigation, after a mass brawl failed to materialise during a club championship game. Spectators were appalled by the scenes, which saw both sides play out a close contest in a sporting manner. Video footage of one incident quickly went viral on social media, showing a full-back… Read more »

October 7, 2021 Craic & Codology

I was delighted to find time in between my hectic schedule working as a minister, and quibbling with the penny-pinching OECD, to pen another of my fabled book reviews. The fanfare that has greeted the release of The Pandora Papers surely marks it as one of the great literary phenomena of our times – eat… Read more »

October 7, 2021 Craic & Codology

Michael D Recently aligned calmness with resolute determination when sticking to his guns after coming under fire in a tight corner. The president was a little shaken but didn’t stir, in this exhibition of ‘classic Bond’ sang-froid. Eamon Ryan His ability to go completely unnoticed at cabinet meetings means he has what it takes to… Read more »

October 7, 2021 Craic & Codology

The country has been plunged into a fresh electricity crisis, with experts fearing that the lights are about to go out on the coalition government. Though there are a variety of factors at play, it is believed that a chronic lack of energy is central to the problem. “There’s no spark there at all,” said… Read more »

October 7, 2021 Craic & Codology

Listen up all of yiz, aye, Us here, the true and legitimate representatives of the Ulster political establishment, as recognised by all right-thinking people, strongly oppose this protocol atrocity. In our rejection of this abomination, be mindful that we seek to ensure that no unionist child will be regarded as less cherished, and less valued… Read more »

October 7, 2021 Craic & Codology

By Stan Still Environmentalists across the globe have lavished praise on the British government amid news that the eco-conscious nation has cut its greenhouse emissions by a whopping 80% in a few short days. The kudos come after Boris Johnson’s administration oversaw an unprecedented reduction in fuel consumption and a massive fall in CO2 emissions…. Read more »

October 7, 2021 Craic & Codology

Once again, Stephen Kenny’s Ireland side produced a miserable/incredible performance of dysfunctional/heroic proportions as they slumped/soared to new depths/heights against a rampant/stunned opposition. This latest debacle/exercise was proof, if proof was needed, that the former Dundalk boss is a clueless/ingenious instigator of a ludicrous/wonderful pathway that must be unapologetically halted/embraced by the FAI hierarchy. Failure… Read more »

October 7, 2021 Craic & Codology

Minister for Transport Eamon Ryan has this week announced delays to Metro Link in an effort to promote consistency across the nation’s transport services. Minister Ryan told reporters that, similar to most of the nation’s bus services, “nobody knows” when, or even ‘if’, the Metro Link will arrive. The minister reportedly fears mass confusion should… Read more »

October 7, 2021 Craic & Codology

Bob Geldof A bunch of arrogant, sanctimonious has-beens who are decades past their prime, which wasn’t much to begin with. Despite their initial successes, they’ve clearly been on the slide for a while now and it’s a mystery why the media gives them so much attention. Boris Johnson Running a successful political party is very… Read more »

October 7, 2021 Craic & Codology

The government is under increasing pressure to reward the hardship endured by RTÉ audiences during the pandemic, with viewers suffering through a punishing schedule of Late Late Show specials, substandard dramas, dismal comedies and appalling lifestyle fillers. “We fully expect to be included in any special budget measures,” said a spokesman for viewers. “It is… Read more »

October 7, 2021 Craic & Codology

We may in the past have lent the impression that we regarded our European golfers to be the epitome of excellence, unmatchable in their relentless acquisition of glory and, most of all, a glowing inspiration to our continent and its children. We acknowledge that headlines such as ‘Pádraig’s Raiders to Raise the Ryder’ and ‘Europe’s… Read more »

October 7, 2021 Craic & Codology

Against a backdrop of feared supply and electricity shortages, Aiken Promotions have sought to reassure the Irish public that there will be a ‘strong’ supply of Garth Brooks concerts throughout next year. “We are working tirelessly to stage, hopefully, dozens of performances throughout the year,” said a spokesperson for the singer. “While some residents have… Read more »

September 23, 2021 Craic & Codology

Your Royal Highness a Chara, Greetings from Rome, where I’ve been grabbing some leisure time to visit the ruins. It’s like being in Belfast in the 1970s! Speaking of which, allow me to assure you that my proposed absence at the centenary shindig for the north is not a snub against your good self! Contrary… Read more »

September 23, 2021 Craic & Codology

Hi everyone just want to give an update on the vital work being carried out by the coalition. Lately, we’ve been really under the cosh trying to figure who the hell keeps leaking all these embarrassing stories to the bloody media. I am so annoyed! 😡 Another vital aspect of government young people might not… Read more »