April 20, 2022 Craic & Codology

Following Tony Holohan’s decision to turn down his €187,000-a-year secondment to Trinity College, Man City are said to be interested in the want-away public health maestro. It is believed Man City and fellow big-spenders PSG are the only outfits realistically able to meet Holohan’s wage bill. The club have also committed to providing the €2m-a-year… Read more »

April 20, 2022 Craic & Codology

Following on from his chilling warning that Ireland could be vulnerable to a rise in economic nationalism, Leo Varadkar has also noted the potentially destabilising threat of a coherent government. With the country in the throes of seemingly unending crises in housing, health and public transport, the prospect of such issues being resolved would represent… Read more »

April 20, 2022 Craic & Codology

TURF EAMON RYAN Burned for fuel Burned by Leo Varadkar Dusty Flakey Combustible Lacks spark Turns into ashes Ash heap after next election Popular in rural areas Unpopular everywhere Generates heat Generates hot air Could soon disappear Could soon disappear

April 20, 2022 Craic & Codology

Garda commissioner Drew Harris has rejected allegations that some members of the force are in poor physical condition. Media reports suggested many criminals were running rings around gardaí on a regular basis and management were refusing to sit up and take notice. Commissioner Harris disputes this version of events, though, and claims he has instituted… Read more »

April 7, 2022 Craic & Codology

The government has reconfirmed its commitment to neutrality, saying it plans to remain hopelessly indecisive for the foreseeable future. At present, it adheres to the so-called triple-lock mechanism, whereby Micheál Martin, Leo Varadkar and Eamon Ryan all remain equally ineffectual. “Citizens can rest assured that ministers remain completely indifferent to the problems facing the country,”… Read more »

April 7, 2022 Craic & Codology

Irish Times journalists have expressed outrage at the government’s proposed latte levy, with many fearing taxes on wine-tasting and Pilates classes could be next. Now, many hacks in Tara Street fear they may have to forego their Leinster rugby season tickets. Raged one IT contributor: “This government is waging a dangerous war on Ireland’s middle… Read more »

April 7, 2022 Craic & Codology

Religion: How often do people get on their knees and pray: Whenever they see their new energy bill Diet: Number who swallow anything Michael Healy-Rae says: Danny Exercise: Most practised exercise method for Eir customers: chasing shadows Health: Most common reaction to RTÉ licence fee: blood boiling Crime: Most commonly reported mugging: driver insurance

April 7, 2022 Craic & Codology

The Varadkar Wonderful packaging and intense marketing can’t hide the fact that this thing is completely hollow and has a tendency to sicken everybody. With the sell-by date rapidly approaching, it may soon be put back in its box. The Eamon Ryan Incredibly bland, and prone to cracking under even slight pressure. Government sources say… Read more »

April 7, 2022 Craic & Codology

By Olly Garch As the fallout from the expulsion of Russian diplomats from Ireland continues, the Russian embassy has denied that any of its staff were engaged in spying activities from the Orwell Road address. Said one enraged Russian official: “It’s all very well for Minister Coveney, to sit in a private, sealed room, alongside… Read more »

April 7, 2022 Craic & Codology

In plans announced by the Department of Education yesterday, old-fashioned written exams – which many candidates consider boring and irrelevant – are to be gradually replaced by a combination of online self-assessment and H1 grades. In addition, students entering the senior cycle in September 2023 will have the option of marking their own papers. Several exciting new… Read more »

April 7, 2022 Craic & Codology

The GAA has announced a disciplinary investigation into Will Smith’s punching of Chris Rock at the Oscars. “It’s unacceptable to us in the GAA to see an act of such small-scale physical violence get the coverage it did,” said one GAA official. “Pretty much every week there’ll be videos circulating on social media of lads… Read more »

April 7, 2022 Craic & Codology

Roman Abramovich The Russian oligarch’s allegedly close relations with President Putin would likely see him bring a unique insight into medical procedures and their consequences, especially in the fields of toxicology. Alan Kelly The former Labour leader has gained invaluable experience in nursing the ailing and the near-lifeless in recent years, which would be of… Read more »

April 7, 2022 Craic & Codology

President Higgins has appealed to trade unions to take the lead in unleashing human potential and warned that soaring inflation is leading to a rise in Ireland’s ‘working poor’. “The working class used to mean salt-of-the-earth factory types who trod the cobbled backstreets of Galway and were too busy washing themselves in tin baths to… Read more »

April 7, 2022 Craic & Codology

Welfare: Ministers will try and protect theirs Energy: Discourage voters from turning up the heat Food: Coalition to abolish Vat on sour grapes Transport: Stop Sinn Féin from derailing carbon taxes Clothing: Tell Eamon Ryan to put a sock in it Fuel: Prepare motorists for the hard road ahead Health: FG TDs getting cold feet… Read more »

April 7, 2022 Craic & Codology

The government has come under renewed pressure from farmers’ lobbying groups to reverse its decision to expel four diplomats from the Russian embassy. Said one representative: “With the cost of fertiliser sky-rocketing, now’s not the time for the government to boot them out. Those Russian diplomats spout enough manure every time they open their mouths… Read more »

April 7, 2022 Craic & Codology

Inflation Nation Has been galloping out of control for months now but very little effort is being made to rein it in. Owner Micheál Martin claims he has little intention of chasing after it, but even he recognises it’s a massive handicap. Hazel Chewed Up Flopped again in spectacular style during the Trinity Chase and… Read more »

April 7, 2022 Craic & Codology

Having become disillusioned with the superficial world of People-Before-Profit, super-model Bella Hadid has sought to shine a light on the comparatively low-profile world of fashion. “I have grown tired of self-obsessed prima donnas like Mick Barry and Gino Kenny,” said Hadid. “Ditto Richard Boyd-Barrett and Paul Murphy. Sure, Trotskyist politics offers escapist entertainment, and the… Read more »

April 7, 2022 Craic & Codology

As the Irish women’s rugby team impressed again on the pitch with a narrow 35-point defeat against France in the Six Nations, questions are being asked about why the performances have not been rewarded with the points they deserve. Among the inequalities faced by the Irish team are the fact that some of the opposition… Read more »