January 27, 2022 Craic & Codology

Micheál’s Meat Loaf Playlist I’d Do Anything for Fianna Fáil (But I won’t Do That) Go into coalition with Sinn Féin You Took the Words Right Out of My Mouth On Leo stealing all the limelight (Now Don’t be Sad ’cause) Two Out Of Three Ain’t Bad On Green party policies he’s implemented Dead Ringer… Read more »

January 27, 2022 Craic & Codology

by Our Financial Staff Phil Boots IRELAND’S billionaires have increased their wealth by more than €18bn since the outbreak of Covid-19, according to a controversial report, with Oxfam claiming the country’s super-rich elite have been able to make a mint out of the pandemic-fuelled stock market boom. Reacting to the news, Mary Lou McDonald said:… Read more »

January 27, 2022 Craic & Codology

There is mounting pressure for the State to adopt a hybrid Leaving Cert model this year, with students keen that their performances in video games such as ‘Hitman’ and ‘FIFA’ be acknowledged. There is also a growing view that points should be granted for Instagram likes and shares on Facebook and Twitter. “Norma Foley needs… Read more »

January 27, 2022 Craic & Codology

Bar owners have reacted to the lifting of restrictions with a promise to return to “business as usual”. According to a spokesperson for the lobby – sorry, representative – group, for the trade, things are set to return to normal “quicker than you can shout ‘Time now ladies and gentlemen, please!’”. “It will be like… Read more »

January 27, 2022 Craic & Codology

In common with all other newspapers, we may in recent times have given the impression that the Omicron variant heralded the end of civilisation as we know it. In particular, this may have been suggested by headlines such as ‘APOCALYPSE NOW’, ‘IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD’ and ‘WE’RE F****D’. However, with Ireland having passed… Read more »

January 27, 2022 Craic & Codology

Wee Garda Winkie runs through the town Up streets and down streets, wearing his worst frown Crying, “When I signed up, I never had it planned To fight Covid from the front line – so I deserve a grand! Bah! Bah! Boris have you any wool? Yes I have indeed Jeff, my stock is rather… Read more »

January 27, 2022 Craic & Codology

Martin Roil, Books Corr Colm Tóibín has expressed his delight at being selected as the new laureate for Irish fiction, saying the acknowledgement of his literary genius was overdue. “I’m not one for accolades, though it has been said I am one of the literary giants of the age,” commented Tóibín. “I feel there is… Read more »

January 13, 2022 Craic & Codology

Leo Varadkar Has lost what little appeal he had left since stepping on Tony Holohan’s toes. His trademark strutting is clear for all to see, but he has struggled to get anybody to follow his lead because of his terrible poll efforts. Micheál Martin Lives in constant fear of the dreaded leadership manoeuvres, and is… Read more »

January 13, 2022 Craic & Codology

By Hazel Nutt Northern Ireland was immersed in another confection controversy last night as a man claimed that British and European leaders are discriminating against him by refusing to provide ‘the icing on the cake’ in accordance with his beliefs. “Myself and a lot of other blokes I relate to are being discriminated against because… Read more »

January 13, 2022 Craic & Codology

Dear DFA employee, You are cordially invited to an impromptu get-together in Iveagh House, which I unfortunately won’t be attending (in case Katherine Zappone asks of my whereabouts again). A selection of drinks and cocktails will be provided, including: Sex on the Breach To hell with the rules, this fruity number will get you in… Read more »

January 13, 2022 Craic & Codology

This is Jay. Many people will remember Jay for his dedicated efforts to nourish the hungry and sooth the thirsty in society for many years, even organising fun weekend brunches for those suffering from hangovers. Although he once believed a statue would be erected in his honour, instead, poor Jay’s gallant efforts at hospitality have… Read more »

January 13, 2022 Craic & Codology

AS THE beginning of 2022 marks a decade of centenaries in Irish history, the Orange Order has accused the UK government of “totally failing to properly celebrate” the centenary of Northern Ireland last year. The order’s grand secretary complained that a major opportunity to build unionist confidence had been missed. “It was a golden opportunity… Read more »

January 13, 2022 Craic & Codology

Pat Squeaky reports Following on from the revelations that a rogue fox urinated in the Department of the Taoiseach, and that dead rats were found in the Leinster House car park, a new pest crisis has emerged in the oireachtas, as TDs return after the Christmas break. “Half of them look like something the cat… Read more »

January 13, 2022 Craic & Codology

From the Book of Covid: Prophet Leo Comes A Cropper And in the year 20 a terrible plague didst strike the land and great was the fear and loathing amongst the people. But Hallelujah, there walked, though sometimes he didst jog, amongst them a prophet known as Leo. And many were the preachings of Leo,… Read more »

January 13, 2022 Craic & Codology

Block: Novak Djokovic meets Australian Border Force Spin: Scott Morrison holding another press conference Chip: Thing Djokovic has on his shoulder Court: Where visa dispute ends up Love: None lost between Djokovic and Morrison

January 13, 2022 Craic & Codology

THE GARDA Representative Association (GRA) has warned of a rising crime wave after revealing that the numbers of gardaÍ available for work has now fallen to 80% of the force. The crisis is expected to worsen in the coming days as the Omicron variant of Covid continues to spread among the boys and gals in… Read more »

January 13, 2022 Craic & Codology

Following on from the Operation Transformation controversy, a new storm has erupted over the RTÉ programming being fed to viewers, with particular anger over the array of comedy tripe, cheesy drama and waffly sports analysis. “Licence-payers’ blood pressure has gone through the roof,” said a medical expert. “The situation has reached crisis point, especially when… Read more »

January 13, 2022 Craic & Codology

The government’s entire agenda for 2022 has been thrown into chaos, with non-essential procedures having been called to a halt. The coalition had previously planned the usual schedule of self-promoting interviews, shameless PR stunts, meaningless soundbites and turgid social media posts over the next 12 months. Now the focus is on panic stations. “As always,… Read more »

January 13, 2022 Craic & Codology

The EU’s proposal to class investment in gas and nuclear energy development as ‘green’ has caused widespread outrage. Said one expert: “This is absolutely unacceptable. Associating the gas and nuclear industries with incredibly harmful ‘green’ policies and parties is utterly unfair. “While Chernobyl, for example, was a regrettable incident, just look at the disaster the… Read more »

January 13, 2022 Craic & Codology

After winning the New York Times’s ‘Worst prediction of 2021’ award, the tánaiste has issued more predictions for this year… Kilkenny footballers to win All Ireland Italy to win Six Nations Vogue Williams to adopt a low media profile Ronan Keating to release great album RTÉ to make funny comedy show

January 13, 2022 Craic & Codology

By Carl O’Whine A school in rural Ireland was left scrambling to arrange for substitute staff yesterday after a pupil unexpectedly turned up for class. The situation is unprecedented, as the Covid crisis results in deserted classrooms, with Leaving Cert students spending the day in bed. “I’ve almost completed the Hitman game I got for… Read more »

December 16, 2021 Craic & Codology

Green Lights Low-energy and high-maintenance unit which always manages to get tangled up in knots, despite the presence of big divisions. A deeply irritating tendency to keep blinking at key moments means they won’t be on everybody’s wishlist this Christmas. Varadkar Tinsel Flashy and breathtakingly lightweight, this brash strip is regularly accused of being all… Read more »

December 16, 2021 Craic & Codology

Green party leader Eamon Ryan has hailed a ‘landmark moment’ in humanity’s fight against climate change after striking a historic deal with Santa Claus. Following tense negotiations, breakthrough was finally reached when Mr Claus agreed to phase out his practice of giving coal to naughty children by 2050. “Mr Claus represents one of the largest… Read more »

December 16, 2021 Craic & Codology

Public health officials told media this week that they are “gravely concerned” about the increasing number of missed appointments. The tánaiste said there needs to be “increased urgency” in filling these slots. A source within the cabinet said: “Since the Katherine Zappone palaver, we haven’t been able to appoint any of our mates to highly… Read more »

December 16, 2021 Craic & Codology

Simon Coveney Smartphone Bland, inanimate object which has become notorious for its inability to retain memory. Its hunger for power is infamous and will end up costing it dearly in the end. Automatically blocks calls from Katherine Zappone. HEPA Pig The must-have item for every child this Christmas season. Merely mentioning HEPA can result in… Read more »

December 16, 2021 Craic & Codology

Irish Times columnist Fintan O’Book has won the ‘Toole of the Year’ award for 2021. O’Book won Non-Fiction Book of the Year for You Don’t Know Yourselves Until I Tell You What To Think: A Personal History of Ireland Since The Beginning Of Time. “I wanted to tell the story of my life and the… Read more »

December 16, 2021 Craic & Codology

By Con Tagious Fear has tightened its grip on Ireland today as the Omicron threat remains the dominant news story variant across the country. A frightening 500,000 new cases of somebody contracting a grim headline was reported yesterday, as the easily transmissible reports continue to spread rapidly across newsrooms. Many attribute the worrying development to… Read more »

December 16, 2021 Craic & Codology

Host parties in second homes only Get ego-booster with fawning press interview/vanity photo shoot Reduce contact with any hacks who might ask difficult questions Keep distance from controversy Wash hands of policy decisions

December 16, 2021 Craic & Codology

Manchester United supporters have given an emotional welcome to the club’s latest interim manager, Ralf Rangnick – affectionately known (according to his agent) as the ‘Legend of Locomotiv’. Crowds gathered outside Old Trafford last night to pay their respects to the soft-spoken German genius whom they had never heard of until last weekend. Said one… Read more »

December 16, 2021 Craic & Codology

Katherine Zappone I was bitterly disappointed that the show’s producers didn’t take up my kind offer of replacing Samantha’s character on the new series. I too would love the opportunity to work in New York with some A-listers. Leo Varadkar A bunch of underworked, elitist divas who are obsessed with designer labels, the trappings of… Read more »

December 16, 2021 Craic & Codology

Due to growing fears over the new Omicron variant, the coalition has announced controversial plans to try to limit the incidence of Nphet on Ireland’s airwaves. “It’s paramount that we cut down these harmful transmissions,” said one government spokesperson. “We’ve seen worrying evidence that exposure to Nphet can cause dangerous levels of fear and mistrust… Read more »

December 16, 2021 Craic & Codology

Fellow icons slam the red-robed philanthropists grip on our Yuletide celebrations. The man hasn’t delivered for a year! Credit Rudolph for leading the line but Claus is just going through the motions! Where’s the passion?! He’s wearing the most famous red colours in the world and he’s hiding behind his beard. It’s a joke! –… Read more »

December 16, 2021 Craic & Codology

A right-to-die organisation has developed a self-build capsule, allowing political parties in terminal decline the chance to die peacefully. The unit is a replica of the Dáil chamber, where the coalition government is dying a slow death. “Once TDs go in, they’re never heard from again,” said a campaigner, “Currently, there are no signs of… Read more »

December 16, 2021 Craic & Codology

• Big Night In If you watch only one programme this year, make sure you join Dermot Whelan and Doireann Garrihy with special guests Tommy Tiernan, Mrs Brown, The 2 Johnnies, Nevin Maguire, Oliver Callan and Rachael Blackmore for a Christmas Day/New Year’s Eve spectacular introduced by country legend Daniel O’Donnell as he marks his… Read more »