June 16, 2022 Craic & Codology

By Dee Angelus Ireland’s environment minister Eamon Ryan has warned of “an environmental apocalypse marking the end of civilisation” if Pope Francis retires. Speaking on a visit to a Munster car crushing centre, the Dublin Bay South TD says the big danger lies in electing a successor. “This process historically concludes with the emission of… Read more »

June 16, 2022 Craic & Codology

Drag: When a party has abysmal opinion poll numbers because of an unpopular leader Stonewall: What to do when asked very awkward questions by the media about leaks and suchlike Questioning: Something Fine Gael TDs do about Leo Varadkar’s leadership on a very regular basis Transition: Period of time that elapses between getting rid of… Read more »

June 16, 2022 Craic & Codology

Seek nuns’ approval for all field hospitals Decommission loose cannons such as Barry Cowen Hide opinion polls which cause shell shock among TDs Avoid ministers biting bullet on any major issue Find out who’s driving divisions among the coalition Identify which ministers are MIA or going AWOL Torpedo any attempts to implement change Mismanage any… Read more »

June 16, 2022 Craic & Codology

Economists have warned Ireland is headed towards an unprecedented catastrophe due to the amount of grotesquely inflated egos around the cabinet table. Ministers’ heads have swollen out of all proportion as they become increasingly detached from reality. “Some of them are convinced they’ve got the country’s financial crisis under control,” said a government insider. “This… Read more »

June 16, 2022 Craic & Codology

The government has announced a series of new initiatives to support remote working by providing nationwide access to local digital hubs. Community development minister Heather Humphreys predicted that the innovative plan would guarantee at least 10,000 hot desk facilities – especially in places like Cavan and Monaghan. “For too long,” she said in her homely… Read more »

June 16, 2022 Craic & Codology

Simon Harris to keep sowing seeds of discontent Micheál Martin still desperate to weed out critics Simon Coveney worries about being put out to pasture Government to reap bitter harvest on housing Stephen Donnelly to stress importance of deadwood Help protect endangered species like the Greens

June 16, 2022 Craic & Codology

The government has unveiled its plan to tackle ever-lengthening queues at Dublin airport. “We are happy to announce that we have now doubled the already protracted time it takes to process a passport application,” Simon Coveney declared. “This decisive action by the government will have a real effect in reducing the amount of people leaving… Read more »

June 16, 2022 Craic & Codology

No checks, unless they’re made out to the Conservative party Reduce unnecessary paperwork (paternity tests etc) ERG to always provide Boris with a port in a storm DUP to keep arguing about small potatoes Convince Tories not to trade in PM before next election

June 16, 2022 Craic & Codology

A furious Leo Varadkar has shot back at Simon Harris’s thinly veiled critique of the tánaiste, with the health minister suggesting that “We don’t need navel gazing or debates or workshops or focus groups”. Now, Varakdar has suggested that without such activities, Fine Gael would essentially cease to exist. “I’ve already put together a focus… Read more »

June 16, 2022 Craic & Codology

Stephen Kenny Considered by certain sections of the media to be infallible and somebody whose every word should be treated as gospel. Promised his followers miracles but very little evidence of any materialising. Ivana Bacik Has told the Labour party that she would be their messiah but may have to spend many years in the… Read more »

June 16, 2022 Craic & Codology

There has been a huge backlash among TDs to proposals that they work at least one day a week. Currently, deputies spend the majority of their time piling up expenses at a variety of lavish city centre pubs and restaurants, and many have expressed outrage at the suggestion they should spend a full day in… Read more »

June 16, 2022 Craic & Codology

After initially claiming that the government doesn’t have a magic money tree to help with the cost-of-living crisis, self-protection minister Heather Humphreys has now acknowledged that one has been located in Government Buildings. Unfortunately, the tree is only able to pay for TDs’ massive salaries, exorbitant expenses, luxurious foreign junkets and lavish pensions. “Heather unfortunately… Read more »

June 16, 2022 Craic & Codology

by Phil Front Page THERE WAS mixed reaction to yesterday’s batch of filler articles by hacks reminiscing about their own experiences of sitting the Leaving Cert. “Didn’t come across any surprises, so I was pretty well prepared for the annual fillers,” said one Dublin student last night. “It was the usual mix of bittersweet nostalgia… Read more »

June 2, 2022 Craic & Codology

Northern Ireland politicians from all sides have met with the visiting US delegation led by senior Democrat, Dick Neal. “We want to see a quick solution to the current protocol impasse,” said congressman Neal. “And this delegation includes experts on trade who can sort out any post-Brexit problems.” One leading anti-protocol activist, however, immediately voiced… Read more »

June 2, 2022 Craic & Codology

by Our Entire Staff WHY-OH-WHY does the media focus so much on the Leaving Cert at this time every year? The relentless newspaper frenzy is subjecting students and their parents to unbearable pressure. Surely students should be allowed to sit their exams in peace and just get on with the rest of their lives. We… Read more »

June 2, 2022 Craic & Codology

By A Hack It is fair to say that 20 years ago the war in Saipan set Ireland back as a country to the immediate post-Famine years. (Great start! – Ed). As Roy Keane walked his dog in Manchester, cars and bicycles lay abandoned across Ireland, as the nation gathered around bar counters for updates… Read more »

June 2, 2022 Craic & Codology

Micheál Martin They were extremely popular in the 70s and 80s but have absolutely zero relevance to the current generation. I think it’s important for groups to realise when their time’s up and to accept their waning popularity. Rory McIlroy I’m actually very jealous they can send their holograms to perform in places where they… Read more »

June 2, 2022 Craic & Codology

By Dee Pressing A further 590 cases of monkeypox stories have been identified overnight as the scourge of reports shows no sign of abating. The latest figures bring the total number of alarming headlines to more than 1,000 since the first outbreak of news of the disease. The stories are transmitted through close contact with… Read more »