March 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

As Ireland looks forward to this weekend’s friendly against Belgium, Stephen Kenny has taken tactical inspiration from the pitch invader who tied himself to a goalpost during the recent Newcastle-Everton clash. Kenny explained that a similar defensive strategy may be required to prevent the Belgian superstars helping themselves to a hatful of goals. “Everyone knows… Read more »

March 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

Vladimir Putin Kenny is in complete denial about the quagmire he has stumbled into and refuses to face up to reality. His ridiculous pronouncements that everything is going well should be called out for the propaganda that it is. Eamon Ryan There’s a lot to admire about his attitude to the beautiful game. By not… Read more »

March 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

Best Actor Micheál Martin for his bravura performance in accusing the Russians of being reckless and irresponsible for threatening to use nuclear weapons. Best Direction Ivana Bacik for her quietly persuasive handling of her Labour colleagues in the bloodless coup against Alan ‘AK47’ Kelly. Best Make-Up Boris Johnson’s story that his government can be trusted… Read more »

March 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

Turning up heat on customers Renewed energy for press releases Giving cold shoulder to critics Sparks flying in media coverage Raising temperature among bill payers

March 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

By Dyna Mite Vladimir Putin has appealed to both sides to “step back from the brink”, as tensions continue to mount in the bitter expenses dispute between the GPA and GAA. Putin took time out from a busy shooting session with Ukraine’s underage sector to express his concerns over the raging conflict: “Grievances like this… Read more »

March 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

A NEW expenses scandal has erupted in the GAA, after it emerged that a number of club managers haven’t received their usual under-the-counter payments in recent weeks. “Look, I’m in it for the love of the green,” said one manager currently in charge of several teams across all four provinces. “Like many hard-pressed club managers… Read more »

March 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

FILLING UP acres of newsprint with articles about fuel prices has dramatically increased, causing hardship to hapless readers. The crude approach looks set to continue as uncertainty surrounds international fuel supplies. “My editor has ordered me to keep pumping out these fillers,” said one hack. “He’s warned me if I don’t deliver sustainable output, it… Read more »

March 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

GUARANTEE OF PRIVACY: Data on this form is strictly confidential. Personal information will only be made available to Leo’s close pals in the medical world. 1. What is your full name? 2. How often do you fiddle your expenses? 3. At what address do you normally live? 4. Give details of all your other homes…. Read more »

March 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

Scientists believe they have located the black hole in Government Buildings into which taxpayers’ money is continuously poured. The dire state of Ireland’s health, housing and public transport infrastructure has long mystified experts, but the key may lie in a phenomenon known as ‘quantum Dáil-hair’. “The rate at which public money is burned through is… Read more »

March 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

Leo Varadkar Political veteran who has plenty of experience in leading a group who have hit rock bottom, and are going nowhere in the opinion polls. May prove to be far too left wing for grandees such as Joan Burton, though. Ivana Bacik The Trinity law professor is the bookies’ favourite to land the gig… Read more »

March 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

Fine Gael’s popularity continues to plummet to embarrassing new levels in the latest Red C poll, with the party now lagging behind Vladimir Putin, as well as other notorious recent monsters like Charles Manson, Peter Sutcliffe, and Robert Mugabe. There is now a feeling among some commentators that Leo Varadkar’s leadership could be under threat…. Read more »

March 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

Fianna Fáil to regulate Russian banking system Russian military to be transported solely by Ryanair Kremlin forced to grant asylum to Eddie Hobbs Ray D’Arcy to be broadcast into every home Force Putin to listen to an entire Simon Coveney speech Westlife to perform concert for Russian servicemen

March 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

Coveney’s Cul-de-sac Spent years jockeying for position in the blueshirt sweepstakes but is now thought to be a definite non-runner. His manoeuvres during the Zappone hurdle proved beyond all doubt that he’s not at the races. DUP Dilemma This unstable outfit were widely ridiculed after it emerged their veteran rider Jeffrey Donaldson had allegedly thought… Read more »

March 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

Tensions remain high between two sworn enemies as they frantically battle each other for supremacy. Each side has accused the other of using increasingly desperate measures to gain the upper hand and of showing no mercy to innocent parties. The senseless slaughter occurs almost every week during leaders’ questions in Leinster House as the taoiseach… Read more »

March 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

Vladimir Putin has welcomed the decision of Alan Kelly to step down as leader of the Labour party. The Russian leader said it was the correct course of action, claiming Kelly was responsible for inflicting misery on thousands of innocent people. “It’s hard to respect someone who uses brutal tactics such as threatening to cut… Read more »

March 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

US president Joe Biden has promised a hard-hitting raft of press conferences, as the situation in Ukraine continues to deteriorate. “Putin will be met by an unprecedented barrage of rambling speeches,” thundered Biden. “I will unleash a mealy-mouthed, equivocation filled speech about taking extreme, but very limited action, the likes of which he has never… Read more »

March 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

Jeffrey Donaldson Lent is the ideal time to kick some nasty habits and improve one’s lifestyle. My doctor said if I wanted to keep having my cake and eating it then I would have to compensate by taking up an exercise like jumping ship.   Alan Kelly On Ash Wednesday, Labour made its most difficult… Read more »

March 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

09:00 – Business Pest/Dead C finds Labour less popular than Stalin, Ceausescu, RTÉ comedy output 11:00 – Meeting of Labour TDs and senators concludes Kelly to be the only person alive less charismatic than themselves 12:00 – Pub lunch 13:00 – PLP tells Kelly party aren’t getting message across; Kelly expresses surprise the party has… Read more »

March 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

There were growing demands across Ireland last night for Russian ambassador Yurily Talkenshite to be made stay in Ireland, following Russia’s brutal invasion of Ukraine. “Why should he be expelled to a comfortable dacha instead of suffer potholed roads, hospital waiting lists, and an RTÉ slew of dreadful comedy like the rest of us?” said… Read more »

March 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

Ahead of Dublin’s crunch league tie against Tyrone this weekend, boss Dessie Farrell has unveiled a dramatic new plan for his team – which includes ambitious new plans to win a game this season. “I really feel it’s within our grasp,” said Farrell, whose charges have lost all four league games so far this year…. Read more »

March 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

The housing minister, Darragh O’Brien, has reacted angrily to claims that the government failed to deliver any affordable housing in 2021. “This is typical populist rhetoric from the opposition parties. They seem to be completely forgetting the Newgrange-inspired pavilion currently representing Ireland at the Dubai Expo. “At a cost of barely over €9m, this represents excellent… Read more »

March 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

I fully support co-education as a matter of quality and equality. It’s well known that I have fought relentlessly, albeit discreetly, to ensure the female voice is heard on matters of public discourse for many years. – Barba… er, Eoghan Harris. Girls eh?… I think co-ed would make guys respect them more. I mean, here’s… Read more »

March 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

Widely expected to take over the Labour leadership from Alan Kelly, Ivana Bacik said she plans to be a voice for those who already have columns in liberal newspapers. “I feel I can take the party’s poll ratings even lower than the dismal figures of recent years,” Bacik told Labour’s half-a-dozen remaining supporters. “Now is… Read more »

March 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

By Ray Diation Europe was plunged into a fresh crisis last night after Ryanair boss Michael O’Leary insisted that there would be “absolutely no refunds” on flights cancelled due to any use of nuclear force by Vladimir Putin’s army in the war against Ukraine. “We have a strict policy of no refunds in the event… Read more »

March 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

My fraught relationship with Charlie Haughey is well documented and to this day I am often reminded by friends and strangers alike that he may have seen me as a threat to his leadership. That would explain why he made life hard for me, in the hope of discouraging my rapid progress, no doubt. We… Read more »

March 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

By Mel Bourne and Ken Garoo RTÉ management has moved to reassure its TV and radio presenters that their jobs are secure following the axing of Australian soap opera Neighbours after 190 years of airing. “Neighbours was around forever and had become boring, unimaginative, and out of touch with modern life”, explained a station spokesperson…. Read more »

March 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

By Vladimir Putin For too long now, western democracy has indulged the malign ambitions of Irish Times columnist Michael McDowell. We have all been guilty of sitting back and allowing this appalling narcissist to sound off about the first thing that comes into his head. Which is why I am now advocating a raft of… Read more »

March 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

By Bach Todewall In heartening revelations to emerge from Ukraine, many of those under heavy siege say they “continue to draw resilience and inspiration” from the Irish Labour party. “Everybody in Ukraine remembers how a whole country turned with revulsion on those most unfortunate politicians and their leaders”, says a father of four throwing darts… Read more »

March 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

DAILY SPECIAL – For Premium Drips Blue Blood Intravenous Injection Born Yesterday Anti-Ageing Treatment Complimentary Jimmy Choo Shoe Wax While You Wait Deep Wallet Massage Double Dose of Privilege

March 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

Eamon Ryan Traditionally my party has opposed Nato membership but I’m open to change. The Greens actually share a lot in common with fighter jets: we’re always on autopilot; love winging it, and release streams of hot air whenever we get going. Paschal Donohoe I know from personal experience what it’s like to be encircled… Read more »

March 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

Valeri Feckovski Having made his fortune in the Russian oil industry following the collapse of the Soviet Union, Feckovski once described Putin as “a benevolent leader and a major advocate for world peace”. This contrasts with his more recent analysis, in which he described the Russian president as “an out-of-control crackpot who’s f*****g costing me… Read more »

March 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

It’s actually very simple. Two teams must start with 15 highly paid professional players on each side. There should also be significant levels of corporate sponsorship in place. In order for the game to progress smoothly, television rights should be auctioned off for huge sums and venture capital funds should be encouraged from an early… Read more »

February 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

President putin has pledged that he will work closely with ireland’s foreign minister, simon coveney, to find a quick solution to the ukraine crisis. Said the russian leader: “no other eu statesman comprehends the geopolitical realities between russia and its neighbours. He also understands the need to take action to ensure a leadership position is… Read more »

February 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

To celebrate its centenary, Goldhawk profiles some of Seanad Éireann’s most famous faces: David Norris The Joycean scholar made history in 1987 by becoming Ireland’s first openly cringeworthy politician. The outspoken senator is passionate about freedom of the press and journalists who will give him the time of day. Mary Robinson The environmental activist strenuously… Read more »