March 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

Coveney’s Cul-de-sac Spent years jockeying for position in the blueshirt sweepstakes but is now thought to be a definite non-runner. His manoeuvres during the Zappone hurdle proved beyond all doubt that he’s not at the races. DUP Dilemma This unstable outfit were widely ridiculed after it emerged their veteran rider Jeffrey Donaldson had allegedly thought… Read more »

March 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

Tensions remain high between two sworn enemies as they frantically battle each other for supremacy. Each side has accused the other of using increasingly desperate measures to gain the upper hand and of showing no mercy to innocent parties. The senseless slaughter occurs almost every week during leaders’ questions in Leinster House as the taoiseach… Read more »

March 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

Vladimir Putin has welcomed the decision of Alan Kelly to step down as leader of the Labour party. The Russian leader said it was the correct course of action, claiming Kelly was responsible for inflicting misery on thousands of innocent people. “It’s hard to respect someone who uses brutal tactics such as threatening to cut… Read more »

March 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

US president Joe Biden has promised a hard-hitting raft of press conferences, as the situation in Ukraine continues to deteriorate. “Putin will be met by an unprecedented barrage of rambling speeches,” thundered Biden. “I will unleash a mealy-mouthed, equivocation filled speech about taking extreme, but very limited action, the likes of which he has never… Read more »

March 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

Jeffrey Donaldson Lent is the ideal time to kick some nasty habits and improve one’s lifestyle. My doctor said if I wanted to keep having my cake and eating it then I would have to compensate by taking up an exercise like jumping ship.   Alan Kelly On Ash Wednesday, Labour made its most difficult… Read more »

March 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

09:00 – Business Pest/Dead C finds Labour less popular than Stalin, Ceausescu, RTÉ comedy output 11:00 – Meeting of Labour TDs and senators concludes Kelly to be the only person alive less charismatic than themselves 12:00 – Pub lunch 13:00 – PLP tells Kelly party aren’t getting message across; Kelly expresses surprise the party has… Read more »

March 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

There were growing demands across Ireland last night for Russian ambassador Yurily Talkenshite to be made stay in Ireland, following Russia’s brutal invasion of Ukraine. “Why should he be expelled to a comfortable dacha instead of suffer potholed roads, hospital waiting lists, and an RTÉ slew of dreadful comedy like the rest of us?” said… Read more »

March 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

Ahead of Dublin’s crunch league tie against Tyrone this weekend, boss Dessie Farrell has unveiled a dramatic new plan for his team – which includes ambitious new plans to win a game this season. “I really feel it’s within our grasp,” said Farrell, whose charges have lost all four league games so far this year…. Read more »

March 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

The housing minister, Darragh O’Brien, has reacted angrily to claims that the government failed to deliver any affordable housing in 2021. “This is typical populist rhetoric from the opposition parties. They seem to be completely forgetting the Newgrange-inspired pavilion currently representing Ireland at the Dubai Expo. “At a cost of barely over €9m, this represents excellent… Read more »

March 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

I fully support co-education as a matter of quality and equality. It’s well known that I have fought relentlessly, albeit discreetly, to ensure the female voice is heard on matters of public discourse for many years. – Barba… er, Eoghan Harris. Girls eh?… I think co-ed would make guys respect them more. I mean, here’s… Read more »

March 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

Widely expected to take over the Labour leadership from Alan Kelly, Ivana Bacik said she plans to be a voice for those who already have columns in liberal newspapers. “I feel I can take the party’s poll ratings even lower than the dismal figures of recent years,” Bacik told Labour’s half-a-dozen remaining supporters. “Now is… Read more »

March 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

By Ray Diation Europe was plunged into a fresh crisis last night after Ryanair boss Michael O’Leary insisted that there would be “absolutely no refunds” on flights cancelled due to any use of nuclear force by Vladimir Putin’s army in the war against Ukraine. “We have a strict policy of no refunds in the event… Read more »

March 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

My fraught relationship with Charlie Haughey is well documented and to this day I am often reminded by friends and strangers alike that he may have seen me as a threat to his leadership. That would explain why he made life hard for me, in the hope of discouraging my rapid progress, no doubt. We… Read more »

March 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

By Mel Bourne and Ken Garoo RTÉ management has moved to reassure its TV and radio presenters that their jobs are secure following the axing of Australian soap opera Neighbours after 190 years of airing. “Neighbours was around forever and had become boring, unimaginative, and out of touch with modern life”, explained a station spokesperson…. Read more »

March 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

By Vladimir Putin For too long now, western democracy has indulged the malign ambitions of Irish Times columnist Michael McDowell. We have all been guilty of sitting back and allowing this appalling narcissist to sound off about the first thing that comes into his head. Which is why I am now advocating a raft of… Read more »

March 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

By Bach Todewall In heartening revelations to emerge from Ukraine, many of those under heavy siege say they “continue to draw resilience and inspiration” from the Irish Labour party. “Everybody in Ukraine remembers how a whole country turned with revulsion on those most unfortunate politicians and their leaders”, says a father of four throwing darts… Read more »

March 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

DAILY SPECIAL – For Premium Drips Blue Blood Intravenous Injection Born Yesterday Anti-Ageing Treatment Complimentary Jimmy Choo Shoe Wax While You Wait Deep Wallet Massage Double Dose of Privilege

March 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

Eamon Ryan Traditionally my party has opposed Nato membership but I’m open to change. The Greens actually share a lot in common with fighter jets: we’re always on autopilot; love winging it, and release streams of hot air whenever we get going. Paschal Donohoe I know from personal experience what it’s like to be encircled… Read more »

March 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

Valeri Feckovski Having made his fortune in the Russian oil industry following the collapse of the Soviet Union, Feckovski once described Putin as “a benevolent leader and a major advocate for world peace”. This contrasts with his more recent analysis, in which he described the Russian president as “an out-of-control crackpot who’s f*****g costing me… Read more »

March 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

It’s actually very simple. Two teams must start with 15 highly paid professional players on each side. There should also be significant levels of corporate sponsorship in place. In order for the game to progress smoothly, television rights should be auctioned off for huge sums and venture capital funds should be encouraged from an early… Read more »

February 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

President putin has pledged that he will work closely with ireland’s foreign minister, simon coveney, to find a quick solution to the ukraine crisis. Said the russian leader: “no other eu statesman comprehends the geopolitical realities between russia and its neighbours. He also understands the need to take action to ensure a leadership position is… Read more »

February 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

To celebrate its centenary, Goldhawk profiles some of Seanad Éireann’s most famous faces: David Norris The Joycean scholar made history in 1987 by becoming Ireland’s first openly cringeworthy politician. The outspoken senator is passionate about freedom of the press and journalists who will give him the time of day. Mary Robinson The environmental activist strenuously… Read more »

February 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

Soccer journalists are in a deep state of shock after it emerged that Damien Duff may not be their new messiah after all. Headlines such as ‘Duffer’s No Bluffer’, ‘Duff Avoids The Guff’, and ‘Can’t Get Enough Of The Wonderful Duff’ are now thought to look a bit premature following Shelbourne’s recent thumping. Duff admits… Read more »

February 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

Best Picture: Niall Burgess And The Civil Servants Best Backdrop: Leo The Leak Best Prepared Script: Norma Foley’s Speeches Best Misuse Of Budget: Robert Watt’s Pay Rise Best Bit Part: Greens Lifetime Underachievement Award: Irish Soccer Team Best Overexposure: Marian Keyes Best Soft Focus: Ryan Tubridy

February 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

There has been a surprise reaction to the proposed new lobbying laws, with many in the corporate sector being unaware there were any TDs left to be bought off. However, the proposed toughening of legislation has alerted lobbyists to potential opportunities. “It’s astonishing there are still a few deputies who aren’t in the pockets of… Read more »

February 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

LEGO is delighted to announce that to celebrate the opening of a new retail store in Ireland, a special brick for the local market has been produced. Pre-order your exclusive LEGO Mica© brick now!

February 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

Regionalism: Blame to be devolved at every opportunity Infrastructure: HSE to keep handing out hospital passes Budget: Robert Watt’s salary has used up most of it Trolleys: Continue to wheel out Paul Reid to deal with the pesky media Recruitment: Try to doctor waiting lists as much as possible Equipment: Sláintecare to be put on… Read more »

February 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

A prominent Fine Gael senator has hit out at the organisers of an outdoor rally organised by the National Women’s Council ahead of International Women’s Day. Speaking on RTÉ, Regina Doherty said it was “an absolute disgrace” to exclude speakers from the three government parties. “It’s both juvenile and sexist that we have not been… Read more »

February 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

The world of sport has been rocked to its foundations, after it was discovered an athlete competing at the Winter Olympics wasn’t at the centre of doping allegations. The development represents a major setback for the competition. “We completely condemn this outrageous act of genuine sportsmanship,” said an Olympic official. “We look forward to putting… Read more »

February 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

By Dee Sappear Britain’s Queen Elizabeth is “still pondering” whether to approach Ireland’s Labour party with a view to her beleaguered son Prince Andrew joining the ranks, according to sensational revelations. “Her Majesty is desperately keen to see Andrew hidden away and totally ignored,”said a palace insider. “Someone suggested Éire’s Labour party as an ideal… Read more »

February 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

by Our Security staff Phil Cells Garda commissioner Drew Harris has said he is “delighted” to have had his employment contract extended by two years until 2025. “My previous management role in the PSNI secret service has been a tremendous help in restructuring my attitude to policing here in the south,” he told reporters. “For… Read more »

February 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

Storm Micheál Has caused complete mayhem across the country over the past two years, but full of bluster and likely to peter out shortly. Storm Leo Described by meteorologists as a total washout, but has still been responsible for the occasional leak. Storm Eamon Meekly follows the other two and is likely to be judged… Read more »

February 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

Exclusive by all foreign correspondents Sources at this reporter’s Moscow hotel have said that Russia is continuing to send troops to the Ukrainian border, directly contradicting somebody I met in a bar last night, who stated that Vladimir Putin has begun withdrawing troops. What is certain is that Moscow is a fine city with exciting… Read more »

February 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

By Gail Force Families across Ireland were getting back to normal last night as one of the longest and strongest storms in the history of the state finally receded. Storm NPHET blew into Ireland in March 2020 and immediately cast huge clouds over everybody while it reigned. Millions were forced to baton down the hatches… Read more »