April 20, 2022 Craic & Codology

Following a series of bungled appointments, the government has taken the unprecedented step of apologising in advance for its next debacle. The cabinet has accepted that there is likely to be another mortifying embarrassment before the end of the year, promoting the taoiseach to order an immediate external review. “Though it hasn’t yet occurred, we… Read more »

April 20, 2022 Craic & Codology

An ominous mood of dread and fear was spreading across Ireland’s news desks last night as US law enforcement agencies continued their measures to dismantle the Kinahan cartel. “This vicious ratcheting-up of sanctions will only end in untold misery for innocent people”, said one anguished hack. “How do I tell my wife that we have… Read more »

April 20, 2022 Craic & Codology

by Our Man in Moscow, Spin Doctor Zhivago Who is he – the dynamic new head of Russia’s victorious forces in Ukraine? General Alexander Dvornikov replaces Major Igor Lunatiokov as commander-in-chief with immediate effect. The appointment has been welcomed warmly throughout political circles. President Putin said: “My old friend Alex is a breath of fresh… Read more »

April 20, 2022 Craic & Codology

Eamon Ryan People need to realise the terrible damage that mining coal has on the environment. We in the Greens know what it’s like to keep plunging new depths, knowing full well it’s only a matter of time before the walls cave in. Jeffrey Donaldson The DUP will never apologise for relying on fossils or… Read more »

April 20, 2022 Craic & Codology

The long wait for the US government approved and licensed to operate in Ireland lottery jackpot will continue after nobody came forward to claim the $5m prize. “When the prize is finally scooped, it will be one of the biggest and most exciting nights in Ireland in a long time,” a lottery spokesman said. “Of… Read more »

April 20, 2022 Craic & Codology

Irish MEPs Clare Daly and Mick Wallace yesterday filed separate defamation lawsuits against public service broadcaster RTÉ. The pair have attracted significant media attention recently over their comments on the war in Ukraine. “The so-called national broadcaster has ignored us for years,” Wallace told reporters. “At one time, we were on the news every night,… Read more »

April 20, 2022 Craic & Codology

By the DAA • Write a novel • Grow a beard • Start a family • Review past week’s health department fiascos • Get put on hold with Eir • Celebrate Christmas • Watch the next World Cup • Wait for your Ryanair refund • Learn a new language • Finally escape by having your… Read more »

April 20, 2022 Craic & Codology

By Pete Briquette Householders across Ireland are calling for environment minister Eamon Ryan to be ‘turfed out’ as concerns grow that the Greens leader is causing sharp rises in temperatures throughout the country. “He has the whole country hot under the collar with his madcap emissions on how we should live our lives”, said a… Read more »

April 20, 2022 Craic & Codology

Fast-food outlets say garda plans to roll out body cams are “very welcome” and will “certainly help to curb disputes and arguments” in their outlets. “Things can get very heated when customers think we have made mistakes with their order”, says one takeaway manager. “Most gardaí eventually accept that they are given what they ordered,… Read more »

April 20, 2022 Craic & Codology

In common with all other newspapers, we may in recent times have given the impression that Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael’s poll ratings meant they would be completely annihilated in the next election. In particular, this may have been reinforced by headlines such as ‘SAYONARA FF & FG’, ‘MORE POLL HUMILIATION FOR GOVERNMENT’ and ‘FF… Read more »

April 20, 2022 Craic & Codology

Vladimir putin has called on the united nations to try and negotiate an end to the protracted conflict currently engulfing the coalition. The russian leader said he was deeply concerned at fianna fáil and fine gael’s indiscriminate attacks on the greens and their success in torpedoing environmental legislation. Bloodcurdling reports of mutinous tds trying to… Read more »

April 20, 2022 Craic & Codology

As a junior doctor, I am often asked: “Why are you going crying all time in a disorientated state and looking completely shattered?” The simple answer is that I am suffering from a very serious financially debilitating condition, known as Healthpolicy Normalis. What happens is that I find myself working up to 127 hours a… Read more »

April 20, 2022 Craic & Codology

Hundreds of voters occupied or blocked buildings yesterday to express their dissatisfaction at the choice of leader presented to them. Voicing their opposition to both taoiseach Micheál Martin and tánaiste Leo Varadkar, they claimed both are equally clueless about the problems facing the country. Protesters threw leaflets from windows, and at one point police fired… Read more »

April 20, 2022 Craic & Codology

Leo Varadkar I’ve had plenty of experience dealing with inflation over the years, particularly of my own ego. Any young people struggling to save for a deposit for a house should just ask their parents to pay it for them. Robert Watt With grocery prices going through the roof, it’s important to conserve edible items…. Read more »

April 20, 2022 Craic & Codology

Fears are growing over how far one of the world’s most ruthless men is willing to go in order to achieve his sinister aims of total supremacy. The thin-skinned narcissist regularly sneers at enemies and most experts agree his intentions are deeply worrying, and some analysts now believe the erratic manoeuvres over the past few… Read more »

April 20, 2022 Craic & Codology

There has been widespread condemnation of the deal struck between the British and Rwandan governments over the processing of asylum seekers. Human rights organisations have warned that it will result in vulnerable people being sent to a troubled country with questionable democratic values. But Rwandan authorities have defended their decision to work with Boris Johnson… Read more »

April 20, 2022 Craic & Codology

Following Tony Holohan’s decision to turn down his €187,000-a-year secondment to Trinity College, Man City are said to be interested in the want-away public health maestro. It is believed Man City and fellow big-spenders PSG are the only outfits realistically able to meet Holohan’s wage bill. The club have also committed to providing the €2m-a-year… Read more »

April 20, 2022 Craic & Codology

Following on from his chilling warning that Ireland could be vulnerable to a rise in economic nationalism, Leo Varadkar has also noted the potentially destabilising threat of a coherent government. With the country in the throes of seemingly unending crises in housing, health and public transport, the prospect of such issues being resolved would represent… Read more »

April 20, 2022 Craic & Codology

TURF EAMON RYAN Burned for fuel Burned by Leo Varadkar Dusty Flakey Combustible Lacks spark Turns into ashes Ash heap after next election Popular in rural areas Unpopular everywhere Generates heat Generates hot air Could soon disappear Could soon disappear

April 20, 2022 Craic & Codology

Garda commissioner Drew Harris has rejected allegations that some members of the force are in poor physical condition. Media reports suggested many criminals were running rings around gardaí on a regular basis and management were refusing to sit up and take notice. Commissioner Harris disputes this version of events, though, and claims he has instituted… Read more »