April 20, 2022 Craic & Codology

In common with all other newspapers, we may in recent times have given the impression that Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael’s poll ratings meant they would be completely annihilated in the next election. In particular, this may have been reinforced by headlines such as ‘SAYONARA FF & FG’, ‘MORE POLL HUMILIATION FOR GOVERNMENT’ and ‘FF… Read more »

April 20, 2022 Craic & Codology

Vladimir putin has called on the united nations to try and negotiate an end to the protracted conflict currently engulfing the coalition. The russian leader said he was deeply concerned at fianna fáil and fine gael’s indiscriminate attacks on the greens and their success in torpedoing environmental legislation. Bloodcurdling reports of mutinous tds trying to… Read more »

April 20, 2022 Craic & Codology

As a junior doctor, I am often asked: “Why are you going crying all time in a disorientated state and looking completely shattered?” The simple answer is that I am suffering from a very serious financially debilitating condition, known as Healthpolicy Normalis. What happens is that I find myself working up to 127 hours a… Read more »

April 20, 2022 Craic & Codology

Hundreds of voters occupied or blocked buildings yesterday to express their dissatisfaction at the choice of leader presented to them. Voicing their opposition to both taoiseach Micheál Martin and tánaiste Leo Varadkar, they claimed both are equally clueless about the problems facing the country. Protesters threw leaflets from windows, and at one point police fired… Read more »

April 20, 2022 Craic & Codology

Leo Varadkar I’ve had plenty of experience dealing with inflation over the years, particularly of my own ego. Any young people struggling to save for a deposit for a house should just ask their parents to pay it for them. Robert Watt With grocery prices going through the roof, it’s important to conserve edible items…. Read more »

April 20, 2022 Craic & Codology

Fears are growing over how far one of the world’s most ruthless men is willing to go in order to achieve his sinister aims of total supremacy. The thin-skinned narcissist regularly sneers at enemies and most experts agree his intentions are deeply worrying, and some analysts now believe the erratic manoeuvres over the past few… Read more »

April 20, 2022 Craic & Codology

There has been widespread condemnation of the deal struck between the British and Rwandan governments over the processing of asylum seekers. Human rights organisations have warned that it will result in vulnerable people being sent to a troubled country with questionable democratic values. But Rwandan authorities have defended their decision to work with Boris Johnson… Read more »

April 20, 2022 Craic & Codology

Following Tony Holohan’s decision to turn down his €187,000-a-year secondment to Trinity College, Man City are said to be interested in the want-away public health maestro. It is believed Man City and fellow big-spenders PSG are the only outfits realistically able to meet Holohan’s wage bill. The club have also committed to providing the €2m-a-year… Read more »

April 20, 2022 Craic & Codology

Following on from his chilling warning that Ireland could be vulnerable to a rise in economic nationalism, Leo Varadkar has also noted the potentially destabilising threat of a coherent government. With the country in the throes of seemingly unending crises in housing, health and public transport, the prospect of such issues being resolved would represent… Read more »

April 20, 2022 Craic & Codology

TURF EAMON RYAN Burned for fuel Burned by Leo Varadkar Dusty Flakey Combustible Lacks spark Turns into ashes Ash heap after next election Popular in rural areas Unpopular everywhere Generates heat Generates hot air Could soon disappear Could soon disappear

April 20, 2022 Craic & Codology

Garda commissioner Drew Harris has rejected allegations that some members of the force are in poor physical condition. Media reports suggested many criminals were running rings around gardaí on a regular basis and management were refusing to sit up and take notice. Commissioner Harris disputes this version of events, though, and claims he has instituted… Read more »

April 7, 2022 Craic & Codology

The government has reconfirmed its commitment to neutrality, saying it plans to remain hopelessly indecisive for the foreseeable future. At present, it adheres to the so-called triple-lock mechanism, whereby Micheál Martin, Leo Varadkar and Eamon Ryan all remain equally ineffectual. “Citizens can rest assured that ministers remain completely indifferent to the problems facing the country,”… Read more »

April 7, 2022 Craic & Codology

Irish Times journalists have expressed outrage at the government’s proposed latte levy, with many fearing taxes on wine-tasting and Pilates classes could be next. Now, many hacks in Tara Street fear they may have to forego their Leinster rugby season tickets. Raged one IT contributor: “This government is waging a dangerous war on Ireland’s middle… Read more »

April 7, 2022 Craic & Codology

Religion: How often do people get on their knees and pray: Whenever they see their new energy bill Diet: Number who swallow anything Michael Healy-Rae says: Danny Exercise: Most practised exercise method for Eir customers: chasing shadows Health: Most common reaction to RTÉ licence fee: blood boiling Crime: Most commonly reported mugging: driver insurance

April 7, 2022 Craic & Codology

The Varadkar Wonderful packaging and intense marketing can’t hide the fact that this thing is completely hollow and has a tendency to sicken everybody. With the sell-by date rapidly approaching, it may soon be put back in its box. The Eamon Ryan Incredibly bland, and prone to cracking under even slight pressure. Government sources say… Read more »

April 7, 2022 Craic & Codology

By Olly Garch As the fallout from the expulsion of Russian diplomats from Ireland continues, the Russian embassy has denied that any of its staff were engaged in spying activities from the Orwell Road address. Said one enraged Russian official: “It’s all very well for Minister Coveney, to sit in a private, sealed room, alongside… Read more »

April 7, 2022 Craic & Codology

In plans announced by the Department of Education yesterday, old-fashioned written exams – which many candidates consider boring and irrelevant – are to be gradually replaced by a combination of online self-assessment and H1 grades. In addition, students entering the senior cycle in September 2023 will have the option of marking their own papers. Several exciting new… Read more »

April 7, 2022 Craic & Codology

The GAA has announced a disciplinary investigation into Will Smith’s punching of Chris Rock at the Oscars. “It’s unacceptable to us in the GAA to see an act of such small-scale physical violence get the coverage it did,” said one GAA official. “Pretty much every week there’ll be videos circulating on social media of lads… Read more »