May 19, 2022 Craic & Codology

British prime minister Boris Johnson has said that the recent defence treaty, signed with Finland and Sweden, needs to be altered if it is to work. “The details of this pact, which we helped draft and willingly signed up to, are despicably onerous for the United Kingdom,” raged foreign secretary Miss Trust. “We must do… Read more »

May 19, 2022 Craic & Codology

The Department of Health is reeling from the latest news that one of its leading medics is to remain in situ. The development threatens to destabilise the department, where staff have recently been exiting on an hourly basis. “I can assure people this is only a one-off and staff will resume fleeing for the exits… Read more »

May 19, 2022 Craic & Codology

As discontent over the siting of the new national maternity hospital on the grounds of St Vincent’s rumbles on, government ministers insist that “aborting any government idea” is “totally against our conscience”. “Every government idea is precious, no matter how it looks when scanned,” said one senior figure. “We were all present when the scheme… Read more »

May 19, 2022 Craic & Codology

WAY BACK in 1984, I woke up with just a simple chord in my head which turned out to be a whole song when my producer Brian Eno got hold of it. We’re such an amazing team. Already dreaming of becoming the most famous artist on the planet and living in a great big castle… Read more »

May 19, 2022 Craic & Codology

In its most grim warning so far on the danger posed by Sinn Féin’s ‘power grab’, a DUP spokesman says the republican party “will not stop at Northern Ireland and the republic, but will endeavour to conquer the UK, and then the entire European continent unless it is stopped now!” Speaking from a 1970s-built bunker,… Read more »

May 19, 2022 Craic & Codology

A top intercounty hurler has apologised after failing to headbutt an opponent during an encounter in a pub. His actions have been universally condemned and he has been dropped from his county squad for the remainder of the season. “Incidents like this only serve to drag the game’s reputation further into the gutter,” said a… Read more »

May 19, 2022 Craic & Codology

Commentators say tensions in war-torn Ukraine have “eased considerably” following reports that no publicity or celebrity visits occurred in the devastated country yesterday. Presidents, prime ministers and Hollywood celebs have visited the embattled country in ‘expressions of support’, before getting the hell out of there before things went awry! (Surely before getting so angry they… Read more »

May 19, 2022 Craic & Codology

Stephen Donnelly It was totally unexpected. Even I didn’t predict it, with my long experience of getting everything wrong as health minister. The really annoying thing about all this, however, is that Dr Glynn has such an excessively high profile on the department’s Twitter account. Mary Lou McDonald When-oh-when will this ham-fisted government get some… Read more »

May 19, 2022 Craic & Codology

Norwegian superstar Erling Haaland has said the opportunity to compete in the Champions League was behind his decision to sign for Man City rather than the Dept of Health. It’s believed the health department was offering significantly more money than the Premier League outfit, but Haaland couldn’t resist the chance for European glory. “The department… Read more »

May 5, 2022 Craic & Codology

Northern Ireland’s political parties are already gearing up for another election in six months’ time, after the Stormont executive inevitably collapses in the next few weeks. The NI protocol remains a major stumbling block, with the DUP fearful it may be resolved, thus causing the executive to actually have to govern – a development that… Read more »

May 5, 2022 Craic & Codology

In common with all other newspapers, we may in recent times have given the impression that Emmanuel Macron was about the lose the French presidential election. In particular, this may have been emphasised by headlines such as ‘IT’S THE END OF EUROPE AS WE KNOW IT’, ‘AU REVOIR DEMOCRACY’ and ‘DULL-BOY MACRON TO SUFFER ANNIHILATION’…. Read more »

May 5, 2022 Craic & Codology

As speculation continues around the state of Vladimir Putin’s health, experts suggest the crazed despot may be suffering from any or all of the following maladies: Donnellysia: Muscular affliction that attacks the legs, causing the sufferer to drag their heels whenever invited to attend an event. (Sometimes know as Wattalysis) Varadkalitus: Mouth condition in which… Read more »

May 5, 2022 Craic & Codology

Following her narrow points win over Amanda Serrano last weekend, Katie Taylor has declared her ambition to dethrone Micheál Martin. The Corkman remains undefeated in the political lightweight category, despite ferocious competition from Leo Varadkar and Eamon Ryan. “I’ve genuinely never seen such a total lightweight,” the Bray fighter told reporters in Madison Square Garden…. Read more »

May 5, 2022 Craic & Codology

The government is believed to be coming under intense pressure to place a cap on the number of Ukrainian refugee stories in the media. Many have expressed fears that newspapers and broadcast outlets were being swamped with unprecedented numbers of worrying pieces in recent times, and that there was no end in sight. This prompted… Read more »

May 5, 2022 Craic & Codology

Labour leader Ivana Bacik yesterday officially resigned her position as associate professor at Trinity College Dublin. “After being involved in the cut and thrust of university politics at Trinners, it’s just a fairytale come true to get away from the madding crowd and relax in sunny Sandymount. I’m just speechless – well, almost,” said Bacik…. Read more »

May 5, 2022 Craic & Codology

Green Party leader Eamon Ryan moved to reassure rural Ireland that he is “not turphobic”, after coming under increasing pressure from rural politicians. “A lot of people accuse me of being out of touch with the common as muck every man,” said Ryan, “However, I understand their concerns. The consumption of bog products for nourishment… Read more »

May 5, 2022 Craic & Codology

Following on from his $44bn Twitter buyout, Elon Musk has ruled out a similar move for RTÉ, saying its presenters’ salaries makes it financially unfeasible. The controversial entrepreneur and investor has also clarified that he doesn’t intend to take over the Department of Health. “I’m only worth $200bn and couldn’t meet the wage demands,” tweeted… Read more »