June 30, 2022 Craic & Codology

Minister Catherine Martin is introduce an innovative new live performance grant, with the amount of theatrical grandstanding and scenery-chewing in Irish politics reaching an all-time high. It is believed President Michael D. Higgins may be among the first to benefit from the scheme. “Irish politicians provide endless entertainment with their hammy performances,” said Martin. “It’s… Read more »

June 30, 2022 Craic & Codology

By Gall Cullen Public health experts have warned Ireland stands on the brink of another major crisis, as ministers struggle to mask their chronic deficiencies, particularly when it comes to the cost-of-living crisis. There is a growing fear that a “summer wave” of outright panic is about to rock government buildings, as the coalition faces… Read more »

June 30, 2022 Craic & Codology

Simon Coveney I completely support Ukraine’s application as long as it doesn’t endanger my future employment prospects with the august political bloc. The last thing I need is lots of competent, charismatic politicians snatching EU jobs which I deserve. Emmanuel Macron Some say it’s quite ironic that I kept encouraging Ukraine to make territorial concessions… Read more »

June 29, 2022 Craic & Codology

TRAINS BORIS JOHNSON Run on tracks Going off the rails Electric engines Shocking allegations Pull freight Pulls strokes Carry passengers Wanted job for Carrie Drivers on strike Driving division Numerous stops Always gets off

June 16, 2022 Craic & Codology

by Harry Magoo Irish journalists were amazed last night to discover that a sensational story they believed had died back in 1982 was, in fact, very much alive and living within the country’s leading news organisations. One delighted hack said: “It’s been 40 years since fun-loving taoiseach Charlie Hockey introduced Irish society to the term… Read more »

June 16, 2022 Craic & Codology

Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman has come in for heavy criticism due to Saudi Arabia’s continued use of ruthless mercenaries in proxy wars of publicity. The deployment of amoral soldiers of fortune to prop up the odious regime is regularly condemned by international observers. However, the Gulf nation has seen its forces bolstered by the… Read more »

June 16, 2022 Craic & Codology

Leo Varadkar Has virtually no allies on the island and most people are infuriated by his vapid comments and exhibitionist behaviour. Has an interest in body waxing due to everyone tearing their hair out listening to his dull guff. Boris Johnson His pathological love of partying has caused him a hunk of problems but Boris… Read more »

June 16, 2022 Craic & Codology

A century on from when he started reading ‘Ulysses’, David McWaffle has finished the book. Now, in a bid for some literary credibility, this self-promoter gets a huge plug from us on the eve of his Dorkey Book Festival. In this riveting puff piece, McWaffle coins even more catchy terms like Bloomonomics, to leverage some… Read more »

June 16, 2022 Craic & Codology

By Dee Lay Ireland’s mental health service has come under severe strain following Dublin Airport Authority’s decision to suspend its elite Platinum service. Commentators say the psychiatric sector is experiencing “an unprecedented demand for counselling” as business executives, rock stars, actors and politicians are forced to check in alongside regular travellers. One tearful bank executive… Read more »

June 16, 2022 Craic & Codology

PROGRAMME AT A GLANCE Thursday 16 June: – David McWaffle interviews himself on the topic of genius – Marian Keyes on how sheshuns publicity Friday 17 June: – Fintan O’Toole on how to grandstand at 150 festivals in one summer – John Banville to receive hoax Nobel Prize Saturday 18 June: – Mark Little talks… Read more »

June 16, 2022 Craic & Codology

By Dee Angelus Ireland’s environment minister Eamon Ryan has warned of “an environmental apocalypse marking the end of civilisation” if Pope Francis retires. Speaking on a visit to a Munster car crushing centre, the Dublin Bay South TD says the big danger lies in electing a successor. “This process historically concludes with the emission of… Read more »

June 16, 2022 Craic & Codology

Drag: When a party has abysmal opinion poll numbers because of an unpopular leader Stonewall: What to do when asked very awkward questions by the media about leaks and suchlike Questioning: Something Fine Gael TDs do about Leo Varadkar’s leadership on a very regular basis Transition: Period of time that elapses between getting rid of… Read more »

June 16, 2022 Craic & Codology

Seek nuns’ approval for all field hospitals Decommission loose cannons such as Barry Cowen Hide opinion polls which cause shell shock among TDs Avoid ministers biting bullet on any major issue Find out who’s driving divisions among the coalition Identify which ministers are MIA or going AWOL Torpedo any attempts to implement change Mismanage any… Read more »

June 16, 2022 Craic & Codology

Economists have warned Ireland is headed towards an unprecedented catastrophe due to the amount of grotesquely inflated egos around the cabinet table. Ministers’ heads have swollen out of all proportion as they become increasingly detached from reality. “Some of them are convinced they’ve got the country’s financial crisis under control,” said a government insider. “This… Read more »

June 16, 2022 Craic & Codology

The government has announced a series of new initiatives to support remote working by providing nationwide access to local digital hubs. Community development minister Heather Humphreys predicted that the innovative plan would guarantee at least 10,000 hot desk facilities – especially in places like Cavan and Monaghan. “For too long,” she said in her homely… Read more »