July 28, 2022 Craic & Codology

Dead Man Walking A party leader on political death row (Micheál Martin) desperately wants to avoid a public execution in December. However, his appeals for clemency are routinely ignored as vengeful backbenchers seek swift retribution. Ryan’s Baby Epic drama is guaranteed as environment minister Eamon Ryan decides to go to war with his coalition partners… Read more »

July 28, 2022 Craic & Codology

Irish politicians are asleep at the wheel Recent media coverage has been a bit of a car crash We want to get a million miles away from lobbying scandals Hopefully we aren’t running out of road with regulators Our revenues are motoring nicely

July 28, 2022 Craic & Codology

By Con Dumb A module on Irish politics is to be included in pornography education modules being introduced to Junior Cert students, as educators seek to highlight the risks associated with this shady underworld. Currently, anyone can access speeches and PR stunts by TDs online, leading to fears they are influencing younger generations. “So much… Read more »

July 28, 2022 Craic & Codology

Ukrainian evacuees arriving into tented accommodation in Ireland have surprised officials with repeated requests that former Taoiseach Bertie Ahern be appointed overseer of the operation. Said one Ukrainian mother of three in Gormanston, “When we heard we were heading to a tent in Ireland we clapped with joy because everyone in Ukraine still talks about… Read more »

July 28, 2022 Craic & Codology

Justice minister Helen McEntee has defended her decision to suspend the visa exemption for certain refugees travelling to Ireland. Said Mrs McEntee: “We have taken this action to prevent the current arrangements from being abused. It’s certainly not because of our abysmal failure to provide accommodation for asylum seekers “Nor is the increasing concern being… Read more »

July 28, 2022 Craic & Codology

The government has unanimously welcomed the passing of the Birth Information and Tracing Bill into law. Coalition backbenchers claimed the legislation was necessary due to the inability of certain cabinet ministers to understand the concept of age. “People like Darragh O’Brien and Stephen Donnelly thought we were all born yesterday and kept insisting that we… Read more »

July 28, 2022 Craic & Codology

Exclusive by all sports columnists Following the Irish rugby team’s awesome, historic, landmark (great stuff –Ed.) win over the hapless All Blacks, there can be no question that the moon landing has been overtaken on the list of outstanding achievements by mankind. Following on from the team’s, er, slightly crap Six Nations campaign (steady –… Read more »

July 28, 2022 Craic & Codology

Greenhouse gas has said “we will have to move” to reduce the amount of hot air emanating from climate minister Eamon Ryan, after a new report found that emissions have risen to above pre-Covid levels. Speaking to reporters yesterday, the gas cloud said the toxic atmosphere in Cabinet – stemming from the coalition’s cratering poll… Read more »

July 28, 2022 Craic & Codology

Sayonara: Expression used when you want to say goodbye to a party leader Kamikaze: Tactic employed by those on autopilot who can’t accept their political end is nigh Sushi: A cold fish who is regularly battered in opinion polls and leaders’ questions Karaoke: Popular with people who are hopelessly out of tune with what the… Read more »

July 28, 2022 Craic & Codology

AIB has apologised to customers for the inconvenience caused (to shareholders) resulting from its latest half-baked proposal to end cash services at 70 branches nationwide. “In light of the totally unexpected concerns raised by important business groups, we’re extremely sorry for any distress that may have been caused,” said spokesman Phil Boots, “and particularly for… Read more »

July 28, 2022 Craic & Codology

By Ina BuNkeragain Excited scientists studying data from the James Webb Space Telescope say the latest images look back into the distant past of the universe. Said one NASA astronomer: “These images are coming to us from the distant reaches of space-time. One actually depicts the last time golfer Rory McIlroy won a major title.”… Read more »

July 28, 2022 Craic & Codology

Under the latest revamp to the school curriculum, lessons about pornography will soon be given to secondary school students as part of the new Junior Cert. “The aim is to teach young people about inappropriate material,” said a Department of Education spokesperson. “This will involve an intensive study of X-rated images and gratuitous videos that… Read more »

July 14, 2022 Craic & Codology

Though he will not face criminal charges over the leaking of a draft GP contract, Tánaiste Leo Varadkar remains under suspicion of a variety of offensive political behaviours. These are believed to include rampant self-promotion, chronic obsession with his own media profile, and maintaining Fine Gael’s grip on power at all costs. Furthermore, Gardaí are… Read more »

July 14, 2022 Craic & Codology

Following Ireland’s win over New Zealand, widely being hailed as the greatest victory in the history of sport, there is no limit to what this team can achieve. Despite recent articles to the contrary, it’s now clear that these green-shirted titans will coast to victory in the next three World Cups at least. It’s not… Read more »

July 14, 2022 Craic & Codology

There was another day of chaos in Dublin Airport yesterday, after a flight unexpectedly took off on time with all passengers on board. Adding to the sense of anarchy, all passengers collected their luggage on the other side without incident. The DAA is to launch an immediate investigation, with the government now considering sending in… Read more »

July 14, 2022 Craic & Codology

by Gerry Atric MICHEÁL MARTIN has announced that the state pension age should not go beyond 66 years old. His statement comes after months of heated debate on the issue. Addressing Fianna Fáil TDs, the taoiseach said: “It’s very easy to blame all this indecision on the party just because it’s entirely the party’s fault…. Read more »

July 14, 2022 Craic & Codology

War ravaged Ukraine has been voted Europe’s number one destination by political leaders needing to boost their profiles. Following the example of Russia’s Vladimir Putin (who arrived by tank) desperate leaders such as Joe Biden, the departing Boris Johnson, and the soon-to-be-departing Micheál Martin – who said that the dilapidated state of many of the… Read more »

July 14, 2022 Craic & Codology

By Kath Astrophe Tens of thousands of jobs are set to be lost, with families forced to scavenge for food as the full ramifications of Boris Johnson’s resignation now emerge. “We’ve no more work for the 500 extra journalists we took on to file 24/7 copy on Tory scandals under Boris”, sighed one regretful news… Read more »