July 28, 2022 Craic & Codology

This month’s record temperatures have ignited the latent climate anxiety of Irish journos, leading to an explosion of articles across the nation’s papers about how someone should do something about this. This crisis has even spread to columnists who rarely talk about anything more important than how their child’s cello recital went on Tuesday. These… Read more »

July 28, 2022 Craic & Codology

The Taoiseach has sought to defend plans to allow employees to work beyond the age of 66 to top up their state pension. Said the weary Taoiseach: “Anyone not fortunate enough to have a generous minister’s pension to look forward to upon retirement could find themselves struggling. This plan will help these poor souls top… Read more »

July 28, 2022 Craic & Codology

With the autumn season approaching, cash-strapped RTÉ is still seeking sponsors for some of its so-called flagship shows. Several corporate match-ups are thought to be in the mix. Today with Clare Byrne: Apple The ubiquitous ‘apple’ logo would be the perfect symbol for RTÉ’s favourite presenter. A winning combination of cool consumer branding and also… Read more »

July 28, 2022 Craic & Codology

The government has announced plans for a hefty increase in defence spending, as it continues to sustain relentless fire on all sides. Hopelessly adrift on a variety of issues, the coalition is running out of ammo to combat its countless critics. Adding to the sense of chaos, internal warfare is now threatening to break out… Read more »

July 28, 2022 Craic & Codology

Commission to find out why voters are fleeing to Mary Lou McDonald and Sinn Féin Micheál Martin to try and prevent FF TDs falling overboard when it’s Leo Varadkar’s turn Simon Harris to investigate how many people are in Helen McEntee’s camp EU to continue to provide asylum to political deadwood from Ireland Dedicated team… Read more »

July 28, 2022 Craic & Codology

As Fianna Fáil’s poll ratings continue to tank, a record high temperature has been recorded at a meeting of the party’s backbenchers. Meteorologists say the climate was severely hostile to Micheál Martin, with some calling on the party leader to lay out a timetable for his departure, before “our credibility goes up in flames”. “There… Read more »

July 28, 2022 Craic & Codology

The tripartite crises of inflation, the climate and Tory leadership have caused the European Establishment of Journalists Interested in Topical Stories (EEJITS) to announce that they are lowering their interest rates in the Ukraine War until “we’ve milked everything out of these wildfires, or Putin increases his brutality”. While the EEJITS insisted that the ongoing… Read more »

July 28, 2022 Craic & Codology

The government’s economic policies are accelerating the move towards a cashless society, as inflation and the cost-of-living crisis leave more and more people without any cash. Economists now believe that at current rates, Ireland will be a completely cashless society by Xmas. “Ireland is the vanguard when it comes to cashless societies,” said one analyst…. Read more »

July 28, 2022 Craic & Codology

Dead Man Walking A party leader on political death row (Micheál Martin) desperately wants to avoid a public execution in December. However, his appeals for clemency are routinely ignored as vengeful backbenchers seek swift retribution. Ryan’s Baby Epic drama is guaranteed as environment minister Eamon Ryan decides to go to war with his coalition partners… Read more »

July 28, 2022 Craic & Codology

Irish politicians are asleep at the wheel Recent media coverage has been a bit of a car crash We want to get a million miles away from lobbying scandals Hopefully we aren’t running out of road with regulators Our revenues are motoring nicely

July 28, 2022 Craic & Codology

By Con Dumb A module on Irish politics is to be included in pornography education modules being introduced to Junior Cert students, as educators seek to highlight the risks associated with this shady underworld. Currently, anyone can access speeches and PR stunts by TDs online, leading to fears they are influencing younger generations. “So much… Read more »

July 28, 2022 Craic & Codology

Ukrainian evacuees arriving into tented accommodation in Ireland have surprised officials with repeated requests that former Taoiseach Bertie Ahern be appointed overseer of the operation. Said one Ukrainian mother of three in Gormanston, “When we heard we were heading to a tent in Ireland we clapped with joy because everyone in Ukraine still talks about… Read more »

July 28, 2022 Craic & Codology

Justice minister Helen McEntee has defended her decision to suspend the visa exemption for certain refugees travelling to Ireland. Said Mrs McEntee: “We have taken this action to prevent the current arrangements from being abused. It’s certainly not because of our abysmal failure to provide accommodation for asylum seekers “Nor is the increasing concern being… Read more »

July 28, 2022 Craic & Codology

The government has unanimously welcomed the passing of the Birth Information and Tracing Bill into law. Coalition backbenchers claimed the legislation was necessary due to the inability of certain cabinet ministers to understand the concept of age. “People like Darragh O’Brien and Stephen Donnelly thought we were all born yesterday and kept insisting that we… Read more »

July 28, 2022 Craic & Codology

Exclusive by all sports columnists Following the Irish rugby team’s awesome, historic, landmark (great stuff –Ed.) win over the hapless All Blacks, there can be no question that the moon landing has been overtaken on the list of outstanding achievements by mankind. Following on from the team’s, er, slightly crap Six Nations campaign (steady –… Read more »

July 28, 2022 Craic & Codology

Greenhouse gas has said “we will have to move” to reduce the amount of hot air emanating from climate minister Eamon Ryan, after a new report found that emissions have risen to above pre-Covid levels. Speaking to reporters yesterday, the gas cloud said the toxic atmosphere in Cabinet – stemming from the coalition’s cratering poll… Read more »

July 28, 2022 Craic & Codology

Sayonara: Expression used when you want to say goodbye to a party leader Kamikaze: Tactic employed by those on autopilot who can’t accept their political end is nigh Sushi: A cold fish who is regularly battered in opinion polls and leaders’ questions Karaoke: Popular with people who are hopelessly out of tune with what the… Read more »

July 28, 2022 Craic & Codology

AIB has apologised to customers for the inconvenience caused (to shareholders) resulting from its latest half-baked proposal to end cash services at 70 branches nationwide. “In light of the totally unexpected concerns raised by important business groups, we’re extremely sorry for any distress that may have been caused,” said spokesman Phil Boots, “and particularly for… Read more »

July 28, 2022 Craic & Codology

By Ina BuNkeragain Excited scientists studying data from the James Webb Space Telescope say the latest images look back into the distant past of the universe. Said one NASA astronomer: “These images are coming to us from the distant reaches of space-time. One actually depicts the last time golfer Rory McIlroy won a major title.”… Read more »

July 28, 2022 Craic & Codology

Under the latest revamp to the school curriculum, lessons about pornography will soon be given to secondary school students as part of the new Junior Cert. “The aim is to teach young people about inappropriate material,” said a Department of Education spokesperson. “This will involve an intensive study of X-rated images and gratuitous videos that… Read more »