September 8, 2022 Craic & Codology

The Taoiseach has said the Government doesn’t want Paschal Donohoe’s ego to get any more inflated as the country prepares for an “unprecedentedly” hyped budget. Meanwhile, an unpublished report has called for full implementation of an “accommodation tax”, whereby the Government continues to bend over backwards to accommodate multinationals. “Paschal has got an enormous bulging… Read more »

September 8, 2022 Craic & Codology

by Phil Boots NEW FIGURES published by RTÉ show that a total of 119 of its very talented staff earned over €100,000 in basic salary last year. Said director general Dee Forbes 100: “Once again, these figures are a repeat of previous years and show just how well the licence system can work, especially for… Read more »

September 8, 2022 Craic & Codology

Ireland’s fittest family The nation’s favourite exercise programme is back and running out of steam faster than ever. Join the mentors as they put the TV audience through a very punishing routine that is guaranteed to drain their energy. Keys to my life Brendan Courtney spends time with some beloved politicians as they give us… Read more »

September 8, 2022 Craic & Codology

By R Eachtas Dublin’s anti-social behaviour problems deepened even further last night as reports emerged that a well-known gang widely blamed for causing misery and mayhem are poised to return to the city on September 15. Locals had hoped the gang, who like to call themselves ‘the Government’, had left the city for good last… Read more »

September 8, 2022 Craic & Codology

RTÉ star Ryan Tubridy has said he may leave the organisation for another career. The sensational news was greeted with dismay throughout broadcasting circles as friends lined up to salute the man they simply refer to as ‘Tubs’. “He always comes up with some decent PR guff around this time,” said one overpaid RTÉ colleague. “We… Read more »

September 8, 2022 Craic & Codology

Landlord and “accidental minister” Stephen Donnelly has said failing to remember he was a Cabinet member was a “major oversight”. Mr Donnelly said he had taken immediate steps to rectify the situation, including turning up to his office and trying to revive the country’s collapsing health service. “Unfortunately I was busy dealing with a property… Read more »

September 8, 2022 Craic & Codology

The GAA is to launch an urgent disciplinary investigation after a referee ended a club fixture fully conscious. A viral video capturing the end of the game shows the official making his way from the field without an escort and failing to be punched or headbutted. “These scandalous scenes have no place in our association,”… Read more »

September 8, 2022 Craic & Codology

Fine Gaelus A member of the venomous Blueshirt family, these nasty creatures are renowned for their cannibalistic behaviour and effortlessly aggressive demeanour. They hate to be cornered, especially about public services. Fianna Fáils Widow This once-dominant grouping are a pale shadow of their former selves and look to be on the endangered list. A soft… Read more »

September 8, 2022 Craic & Codology

Micheál Martin IT’S WONDERFUL to welcome someone who represents all that is wholesome and good about country music. Unfortunately, some people still condemn Garth Brooks over things that happened in the distant past but that’s part of being in the public eye. I myself am still criticised by a few individuals about failing to perform… Read more »

September 8, 2022 Craic & Codology

The Government has announced the appointment of Dara Calleary as a junior minister in an effort to encourage responsible energy usage. It’s believed the Mayo TD has been in standby mode for quite some time and Taoiseach Micheál Martin worried that it would be “lights out” for his leadership if he didn’t give Calleary a… Read more »

September 8, 2022 Craic & Codology

Nasa has confirmed the coalition parties are shortly to land on the moon, with most Cabinet ministers having been living on a different planet for quite some time. Recent media appearances by Government figures, in which they have insisted they are on top of the cost-of-living crisis, have confirmed they are in outer space. “They’ve… Read more »

September 8, 2022 Craic & Codology

Micheál Martin has expressed his support for the one remaining TD who doesn’t own property anywhere in the country. The deputy in question last night posted an apologetic statement on social media, saying he plans to start buying property and ignoring ethics legislation as soon as possible. “I’m currently putting together an extensive portfolio and… Read more »

September 8, 2022 Craic & Codology

FROM SEPTEMBER 2023, Leaving Cert candidates will take paper one in English and Irish at the end of fifth year. “This radical initiative guarantees a sure-fire way of reducing student stress by creating two stressful periods of examination angst, one at the end of each year,” said education minister Norma Foley. “The Government also plans… Read more »

September 8, 2022 Craic & Codology

Boris Johnson Forever in the spotlight and always manages to make a show of himself at every opportunity. Instinctively leads with the right and never hesitates to step on people’s toes. Was caught flat-footed in recent times though. Rory McIlroy Knows how to stay in line and is in lockstep with the PGA these days…. Read more »

September 8, 2022 Craic & Codology

As Ireland’s Civil War commemorations rumble into their ninth month, all sides say they remain deeply committed to the cause. “It’s been a long, hard slog,” sighed one exhausted Soldier of Destiny following a successful assault on a post-presentation round of turkey sandwiches. “We’ve been bombarded with everything from ham to veal to trifle and… Read more »

September 8, 2022 Craic & Codology

Politicians have hailed news that Time Out has named Capel Street as one of the “coolest streets in the world”. Said one TD: “This will give me a great excuse to jack up the rents again on the several rental properties I own on the street.”

September 8, 2022 Craic & Codology

Excellent idea! Who amongst us has not at various times forgotten to do something important by leaving it until the last minute? Robert Troy I fully agree with Deputy Troy; we don’t want some totally innocent individual being misunderstood! Stephen Donnelly This is dangerous territory. I believe in the Leaving Cert as it is. It… Read more »

September 8, 2022 Craic & Codology

Liz – Expected to sweep into the north of the country in the coming weeks but should only last a short period. Vladimir – This massive weather system will continue to cause chaos to Europe and may hasten the arrival of a nuclear winter. Stagflation – This type of storm hasn’t been seen in decades… Read more »

September 8, 2022 Craic & Codology

Following the funeral of one of the 20th century’s most prominent political figures, Mikhail Gorbachev, Irish people took their turn to pay their respects to their own flatlining government. Meanwhile, a Government spokesman said the political funeral wouldn’t be attended by Fianna Fáil’s Jim O’Callaghan due to his “work schedule”. Bearing bouquets of carnations and… Read more »