November 3, 2022 Craic & Codology

Greetings faithful, Unfortunately, it has come to my attention that some priests and nuns may be viewing sleazy online material that belongs in the moral sewer – and I’m not talking about streaming the Fianna Fáil ard fheis. Apparently, clergy are departing Grindr and gambling sites in their droves and migrating to porn sites. I… Read more »

November 3, 2022 Craic & Codology

Plans to extend Ireland’s nightclub trading hours to 6.30am will “be of great help in alleviating the country’s accommodation crisis for Ukrainian arrivals and asylum seekers,” according to a Government mandarin. “Nightclubs are warm and welcoming and, once the couple smooching at the next table decide to ‘move it elsewhere’, there’s always room to grab… Read more »

November 3, 2022 Craic & Codology

The GAA has announced exciting new plans for its football coverage, which will see new audiences able to enjoy Dublin routing Kildare and Meath in the Leinster championship, and Mayo losing the final by a point after a replay. Furthermore, the association is set to link up with WWE and UFC, both of whom are… Read more »

November 3, 2022 Craic & Codology

Exclusive To All Papers OVER RECENT months, we may have given the mistaken impression that soaring gas bills were out of our control and causing widespread panic throughout the country. Headlines such as “TAOISEACH SAYS SOARING GAS BILLS ARE OUT OF CONTROL”, “4,000% PRICE HIKE” and “HELP! WE’RE ALL DOOMED” may possibly have suggested that… Read more »

November 3, 2022 Craic & Codology

The Green Party has defended the decision of Dublin Lord Mayor Caroline Conroy to cancel this year’s live animal Christmas crib. Mayor Conroy has parted with decades of tradition and claimed it was necessary to protect vulnerable creatures who are facing an uncertain future. “Seeing all those tethered donkeys, passive sheep and sacrificial lambs reminds… Read more »

October 20, 2022 Craic & Codology

The UK’s current chancellor of the exchequer (at the time of going to print), Jeremy Hunt, has congratulated Arlene Foster on her elevation to the House of Lords. While Mr Hunt believes their career trajectories are headed in vastly different directions, he still wished the former DUP leader well in her new role. “It’s ironic… Read more »

October 20, 2022 Craic & Codology

Shane’s worried face says it all. Having had his hatchet job on Mary LouMcDonald published to total indifference, some cruel RTÉ producers went and deprived the nation of hearing him waffle some more about the book. Now, Mr Boss has no one to fight his corner – except his high-powered media pals and the entire… Read more »

October 20, 2022 Craic & Codology

Varadkar Villas Visitors have reported strange whisperings in their ear upon entering this sheltered town house. “You’ll feel a tap on the shoulder and then this hushed voice starts drip feeding you confidential government dealings,” gasped a shaken investigator. Montrose Studios Luxurious Dublin complex said to be haunted by the tragedy of past comedy attempts,… Read more »

October 20, 2022 Craic & Codology

There has been widespread condemnation after a clip surfaced online showing a celebrating Irish sports team failing to sing “Up the Ra”. Instead, the Junior B Gaelic football team settled for an off-key version of ‘Sweet Caroline’. The team issued a swift apology and said the person responsible for the post-game playlist had been hit… Read more »

October 20, 2022 Craic & Codology

Public health experts are predicting an unprecedented crisis this winter, as Micheál Martin’s political twin, Leo Varadkar, replaces him in the Taoiseach’s office. Elsewhere, with two-facedness rampant in the Dáil, there are fears mandatory face-covering could return as deputies look to mask their countless deficiencies. “The double whammy of Varadkar and Martin could over-run the… Read more »

October 20, 2022 Craic & Codology

VILLAGE MAGAZINE editor Michael Smith has “unequivocally” rejected defamatory claims made by Leo Varadkar and says he will defend them “fully”. In a statement issued through his solicitors, Mr Smith said: “The Tánaiste has always been an opponent of my magazine and has been heaping opprobrium on me for years. “But this latest instalment has… Read more »

October 20, 2022 Craic & Codology

Subject: Conditions for Shane Dross interview with Claire Byrne re: his new book on Mary ‘You Know Who’ A Chairde, Finalised conditions for Pain in the Ross interview with Claire. They are: • Claire’s allowed to leave the room whenever Ross spends more than five minutes banging on about how great his book is •… Read more »

October 20, 2022 Craic & Codology

Day One: Prison is a living hell and worse than I ever imagined. For a start, it’s full of criminals – although most of them are totally innocent, like myself. The D Wing lads are all decent men – and not a snowflake in sight. Unfortunately, there’s always the odd hard case who keeps infuriating… Read more »

October 20, 2022 Craic & Codology

By Con Spiring The world of Irish dancing was cast into fresh turmoil last night amidst claim by members of the Fianna Fáil Rinceoirí that their self-styled Lord of the Dance, Micheál Martin, has “led us a not-so-merry dance” since commandeering the centre stage two years ago. “Between the jigs and the reels he has… Read more »

October 20, 2022 Craic & Codology

By Rose Ary-Beads Catholic Church leaders in Ireland have hailed the football team’s “group of death” European Championships draw as “a great result” for the country. Says one delighted parish priest in the Midlands: “We’ve already noticed a huge increase in people falling to their knees and praying for a miracle. I can honestly say… Read more »

October 20, 2022 Craic & Codology

Donohoe 1.2 Causes giant swelling of the head and delirious outbursts, particularly about budget giveaways. Has been detected in Europe but definitely not near plush ESM offices. GAA 2.4 Known to cause violent outbursts, particularly towards referees. Other symptoms include major headaches, especially for disciplinary committees. Keane 3.5 May cause a feverish reaction, in particular… Read more »

October 20, 2022 Craic & Codology

The Stephen Kenny Stephen has stitched together a new outfit but the results have been very patchy. Its tendency to fall apart at a moment’s notice has caused much concern but so far the media have resisted the temptation to tear it to shreds. The Marc MacSharry MacSharry was thought to have been shelved ages… Read more »

October 20, 2022 Craic & Codology

by Peig Sayers I am an old woman now, sitting on my cloud remembering the Great Blasket. There were crowds of us just dying for a drop of cold tea and huddled together in a wind-swept house. I say ‘house’ but of course it was just an upturned currach made of rancid fish. We dreamed… Read more »