December 1, 2022 Craic & Codology

by Phil Boots Incoming finance minister Michael McGrath has again backed his coalition colleague Paschal Donohoe to remain as Eurogroup president. “Despite being a mediocre time-server, minister Donohoe can always be relied on as a safe pair of hands who will do nothing to annoy his European peers,” Mr McGrath said. “Over the past 18… Read more »

December 1, 2022 Craic & Codology

This organ, in common with many other publications, may have given the impression – through headlines such as: ‘Boring Bono Bellowing Again!’, ‘One Too Many Bonos’ and ‘Does That Pontificating Git Ever Shut Up?’ – that we viewed Bono with the same disdain as someone seeing a fly in their soup or even a viewer… Read more »

December 1, 2022 Craic & Codology

by Pat Chance There has been a mixed response to the Government’s planned gambling legislation, which is designed to protect consumers. “Most of our regular punters have welcomed these latest changes,” said one Dublin bookmaker. “They are already betting heavily on how long it will take the industry to come up with new ways of… Read more »

December 1, 2022 Craic & Codology

Sinn Féin and the Green Party have slammed Russia’s move to sanction 52 politicians from Ireland’s Fine Gael, Fianna Fáil and Labour parties. “Shame on Putin,” slammed Sinn Féin leader Mary Lou McDonald. “As Ireland’s most popular party, we take great umbrage at being overlooked. President Vladimir Putin is sending out false information to the… Read more »

December 1, 2022 Craic & Codology

Darragh O’Brien Cosmetics The ideal gift for the glamour puss in your life who wants to be as made up as Darragh’s new build figures. His expert formula is perfect for covering up a blemished record and paying lip service to major problems. Russian Holiday Package Thanks to Putin’s war in Ukraine, you and your… Read more »

December 1, 2022 Craic & Codology

A new study has found there is growing concern among porn enthusiasts over the consequences of following Irish politics, with many fearing the verbal brawling and constant back-stabbing are desensitising viewers. “It’s hard not to be shocked at the naked self-interest,” said one porn fan. “Then there’s the constant orgies of self-aggrandisement, riding the taxpayer… Read more »

December 1, 2022 Craic & Codology

After initially refusing to sing their national anthem during the World Cup, Iran are now pleading with Mick Wallace to remain silent for the remainder of the tournament. Having enjoyed a shock victory over Wales, the Iran squad are hoping to score another win by getting the controversial MEP to halt his commentary on Iranian… Read more »

December 1, 2022 Craic & Codology

Leaving Without A Fuss by Ronaldo How To Keep Staff Happy by Elon Musk Setting Achievable Goals by Stephen Kenny How To Stay At The Top by Liz Truss Second Album Syndrome by Donald Trump Modesty Made Easy by Leo Varadkar Keeping A Lid On Your Ego by Bono

December 1, 2022 Craic & Codology

Leo Varadkar Pretentious right-winger who has scored some spectacular own goals over the course of his underwhelming career. His best days are behind him but he is still capable of fouling up public services and the like. Ivana Bacik Has struggled for relevance since her outfit were relegated to the lower leagues following some awful… Read more »

December 1, 2022 Craic & Codology

Following on from Elon Musk’s Twitter takeover, there is a growing crisis in Ireland’s newsrooms, with many journalists now unsure where to go to massage each other’s egos and engage in shameless groupthink. Furthermore, scores of TDs are searching for a new platform where they can jump on sporting bandwagons, as well as issue cheap… Read more »

December 1, 2022 Craic & Codology

Transport Infrastructure Ireland has unveiled its full list of new toll measures for drivers on Irish motorways, to be introduced in January: • Tearing hair out in a five-mile tailback after leaving home at 5am + 30c • Three kids throwing up in the back +45c • Trying to keep up with Barry Cowen +85c… Read more »

December 1, 2022 Craic & Codology

Fine Gael boss Gaelini Invladino has launched an astonishing attack on his “hypocritical” critics for daring to criticise him. In an hour-long diatribe, Invladino told sycophantic reporters: “Today I have very strong feelings. Today I feel Qatari. Today I feel Fianna Fáil-y. Today I feel like an early rising worker. Today, I even feel northern… Read more »

November 3, 2022 Craic & Codology

Licensing laws are to be revised to allow longer opening hours for the Cabinet, who at present only sit for a leisurely few hours a week. It is widely accepted that the Cabinet is hopelessly archaic and not fit for purpose. However, the new and extended opening times will still allow the ministers to drink… Read more »

November 3, 2022 Craic & Codology

Northern politics was again plunged into chaos last night as the DUP threatened to go into government after the upcoming elections. Usually preoccupied with grandstanding, shameless soundbites and cheap political point-scoring, there are fears that, were the DUP to join the executive, it could plunge the north into an unprecedented period of stability. “Accusations that… Read more »

November 3, 2022 Craic & Codology

U2 FRONTMAN and activist Bono has denied IRA claims that he once planned to “take out” former Sinn Féin president Gerry Adams. Writing in his upcoming autobiography, No Surrender, the singer dismissed recent accusations that he ever targeted anyone involved in the republican movement. “I admit that back in the day our accountants were up… Read more »

November 3, 2022 Craic & Codology

Liz Truss Has plenty of time on her hands and admits her policies made people want to hurl. Spent ages turning the protocol into a political football and attempted on numerous occasions to move goalposts on the EU. Jeffrey Donaldson Loves to play games and regularly undertakes solo runs about everything and anything. Prefers to… Read more »

November 3, 2022 Craic & Codology

A guide to those Republican candidates Mike Crank Alex Jones fanatic who believes mid-term elections are a deep state conspiracy originating in China. Favours mandatory gun ownership and congressional hearings into whether Joe Biden is an alien. John Basketcase Host of popular YouTube series Why YouTube Should Be Banned and podcast hit I’m In Love… Read more »

November 3, 2022 Craic & Codology

Irish authorities crackdown on Chinese police station THE PEOPLE of Ireland were in mourning last night after heavily armed foreign affairs officials forcibly closed down a small police station offering useful advice to Chinese nationals living in Dublin. A Chinese embassy spokesman expressed exasperation about the Irish Government’s sinister activities. “All this secret surveillance and… Read more »

November 3, 2022 Craic & Codology

John Delaney@ delboydelaneyjohn Gutted for the players after our latest loss, but no worries. I’ll personally buy everyone a pint in the pub later on – and bung it on expenses as per. John Delaney@ delboydelaneyjohn Crucial board meeting to finalise the FAI bailout dosh and update CEO bonuses. Asked the girlfriend to organise a… Read more »

November 3, 2022 Craic & Codology

On living under constant fear: I could handle the IRA death threats, gangland figures targeting my family and a deranged gunman honing in on me in America but my blood froze when our estimated tax bill in Ireland would be due. It caused unbearable stress. On the importance of God in his life: Hugely important…. Read more »