November 30, 2023 Craic & Codology

RTÉ executives have said they are confident the €100 trillion Government bailout will ensure the broadcaster’s survival until the next major crisis. Despite RTÉ being engulfed in controversy and on the verge of implosion, a spokesman said it is “committed to the highest quality public service broadcasting content, including The 2 Johnnies Late Night Lock-In,… Read more »

November 30, 2023 Craic & Codology

Taylor Swift Unlike Ireland, the pop superstar is set to play before a packed Aviva stadium next year. Rumours abound that perhaps her most famous chorus – “I knew you were trouble when you walked in” – is about FAI officials. Micheál Martin Currently heading up a ragbag group of journeymen destined for oblivion, the… Read more »

November 30, 2023 Craic & Codology

JUSTICE MINISTER Helen McEntee has obtained Government approval to repeal the Censorship of Publications Acts. The archaic legislation, which was initially enforced based on recommendations from the Committee on Evil Literature, resulted in thousands of books and periodicals being banned. “Of course, while the Censorship Board is no longer appropriate in the present day, some… Read more »

November 30, 2023 Craic & Codology

Reuters reports that high-level negotiations, brokered by Qatar and held in the plush surroundings of Dr Quirkey’s Good Time Emporium, may achieve a ceasefire between gardaí and the newly formed terror group Hanas, which is an amalgamation of three different groupings (Hooligans And Nuisances And Spongers). In return for a four-day ceasefire, Hanas has promised… Read more »

November 30, 2023 Craic & Codology

Sammy Wilson Republican groups down in EU-loving Dublin are doing the devil’s work yet again. God-fearing loyalists like myself, however, can clearly see that dropping the “R-word” and similar anti-royalist ranting amount to hate speech – and believe me, that’s something unionism is very familiar with. Micheál Martin Based on my nebulous shared-island idea, it’s… Read more »

November 30, 2023 Craic & Codology

RTÉ director general Kevin Bakhurst has clarified that he was “mixed up” and “completely forgot” he was head of the national broadcaster during a recent Prime Time performance. A contrite Bakhurst said he was momentarily confused and his role in the organisation slipped his mind. “It’s not that different to understating your salary by €31,000,”… Read more »

November 30, 2023 Craic & Codology

Calls are growing across Irish media outlets for the canonisation of the late businessman Ben Dunne. Amongst the many obituaries lauding the late shopkeeper-turned-gym proprietor, a picture has emerged of a man whose miraculous interventions single-handedly saved a crippled Irish economy.

November 30, 2023 Craic & Codology

• Examine why Green watchdogs in Cabinet never bark • Find out if Barry Cowen really wants to go walkies • Check if Jim O’Callaghan is still in the doghouse • Darragh O’Brien always chasing his tail with housing • Michael McGrath putting everyone to sleep • Simon Harris desperate to be unleashed

November 30, 2023 Craic & Codology

Bertie Ahern I think it’s absolutely outrageous that someone who left office under a terrible cloud has the audacity to try and make a comeback. It smacks of absolute desperation and you wouldn’t catch me doing it unless I could live rent free in the Áras. Ryan Tubridy Genuinely shocked David Cameron’s re-emergence from obscurity… Read more »

November 2, 2023 Craic & Codology

A pall has fallen across the entire sport of rugby after the wrong team in green lifted the Webb Ellis trophy, according to Irish rugby pundits everywhere. “How could they be so heartless as to rob us sports writers of what should have been our finest hour?” wailed one grieving rugger writer. “Didn’t those selfish… Read more »

November 2, 2023 Craic & Codology

2.30pm – What can be done to stop Paddy Cosgrave going on a social media rampage? 4pm – Is there anyone left to attend this year’s Web Summit? 6pm – Selecting Paddy Cosgrave’s Top 10 Worst Social Media Posts (Warning: May Not Finish Until Midnight) 10pm – Live reaction as another swathe of tech giants… Read more »

November 2, 2023 Craic & Codology

MARINE EXPERTS at one of Ireland’s top aquariums are baffled as to why a rare albino lobster is gradually turning blue. With its characteristic pale pigmentation and pasty appearance, this unusual crustacean – affectionately known as Mickey – has been largely ignored until recently. However, following an experiment in 2020, he was forced to share… Read more »

November 2, 2023 Craic & Codology

State agencies in Israel have denied accusations that they are inhibiting the delivery of vital aid to innocent civilians in Gaza. “The welfare of non-combatants has, and always will be, a priority for us – during the rare moments when we aren’t bombing them,” said one Israeli official. “We’re doing all we can to assist… Read more »

November 2, 2023 Craic & Codology

Ryan Tubridy: S33kingw0rk Croke Park HQ: G44G0€€€€€€ Stephen Kenny: S0S Paddy Cosgrave: Jum91ngSh19 Bertie Ahern: 9residentBert1e Simon Harris: S1m0nL3ad3r Mary Lou McDonald: CallM3Ta01s3ach Marty Morrissey: Fr33R3nault Leo Varadkar: D0ntsay1sa1d1t

November 2, 2023 Craic & Codology

THE MEMBERS of the Citizens’ Assembly have overwhelmingly voted to recommend the scrapping of the current laws criminalising people caught with illegal substances for personal use. Taoiseach Leo Varadkar immediately welcomed the recommendations, saying: “This latest report proves that the assembly isn’t just a hopeless talking shop facilitating the kicking further down the road of… Read more »

November 2, 2023 Craic & Codology

A SERVING garda officer yesterday sensationally claimed that he had no intention of retiring early from the force. “The law-abiding public has a right to know that I’m not leaving the job because of low morale and work-related stress due to staff shortages,” said Garda Mike Madeup about his shock decision. Justice minister Helen McEntee… Read more »

November 2, 2023 Craic & Codology

• Solo run Leg it for dressing room immediately after final whistle • Catch Supporters trying to apprehend you • Kick What you’re trying to avoid from enraged subs • Block Crowd looking to stop you leaving pitch • Forward The direction in which you’re advised to keep running

November 2, 2023 Craic & Codology

Scientists have issued a stark warning about an outbreak of bedbugs that is threatening to spread throughout the country. First detected around Kildare Street, researchers have advised that the newly detected strain, dubbed Fiannus Fáilus, appears to be willing to hop into bed with absolutely anyone in Leinster House. Said one local resident, Mary Lou… Read more »

November 2, 2023 Craic & Codology

European Commission president Ursula von der Leyen says the European Union “stands firmly behind referees” following an upsurge in the conflict between GAA officials and fans in recent weeks. “The EU will provide any assistance requested if the referees opt to invade the stands and root out the perpetrators,” von der Leyen said, adding that… Read more »

November 2, 2023 Craic & Codology

Are you looking for hot takes to enliven pub conversations? Do you want a new opinion on international politics, sport, Barbenheimer or last week’s GAA Junior B county final? If the answer is ‘yes’, then why not… ASK MICHAEL D HIGGINS When not doing boring, frivolous stuff like signing legislation and representing Ireland on the… Read more »