December 4, 2015 Craic & Codology

December 4, 2015 Craic & Codology

Add this sensational new action figure to your collection – and enjoy hours of nuclear deterrent fun! Prominent unionist MP and have-a-go hero Jeffrey is ready and willing to protect Europe’s interest – even if it means starting World War 3. Comes complete with: Creepy soft-spoken voice Boyish Daniel O’Donnell grin Trident missiles Watch Jeffrey… Read more »

December 4, 2015 Craic & Codology

POPE FRANCIS has been hailed by Church moderates after handing out free condoms at a huge Mass celebration in Kenya. Before his first trip to Africa, God’s main man on earth told journalists he would offer “spiritual and material” support to Kenya, Uganda and the war-torn Central African Republic. Little did the faithful know that… Read more »

December 4, 2015 Craic & Codology

LEINSTER RUGBY have apologised to season-ticket holders and offered a full refund. Many fans of the 12-County Army are distraught after their Champions Cup hopes were smashed by two defeats in two games. Even the return of injury-prone Johnny Sexton from France couldn’t help the Blues. A Leinster spokesman said: “It’s only fair that we… Read more »

December 4, 2015 Craic & Codology

THE GAA has been praised after successfully passing the baton of wanton violence from International Rules football to Super 11s hurling. The compromise game seemed to be on its deathbed after both Ireland and Australia decided to play in a sporting manner, focus on catching and kicking skills and not batter each other. Many fans… Read more »

December 4, 2015 Craic & Codology

1. FRANCE Look, it’s France. The lads don’t fancy it. Never have. A real lack of desire among the French. Poor defensively. Maginot Line. Lacking in the basic areas of the game. Forget France. Head to Germany and watch the games from there. 2. THE FOOD I don’t rate it as a cuisine, I don’t… Read more »

December 4, 2015 Craic & Codology

    PARIS CLIMATE CHANGE CONFERENCE AGENDA     Wave hands about Blame Russia Shout at China Something about polar bears Don’t mention the aviation industry Have a go at India Promise to reduce something or other by 2040 Is that the time already? Menu please I’ll have the rare rhinoceros tongue before it get extinct,… Read more »

December 4, 2015 Craic & Codology

by Our Political Staff Henry McGoo  The American political scene was rocked today following a 24-hour period during which Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump did not insult any minorities on television. Throughout that time, there were no reports of Mr Trump mocking disabled journalists or making racist remarks about Mexican immigrants being drug-crazed criminals and… Read more »

December 4, 2015 Craic & Codology

Animal welfare officials have called for stiffer penalties for animal cruelty after two farmers were reportedly seen riding on a pig’s back for several years. Sources have named the men as Eddie Downey and Pat Smith, and say they “travelled the country” on the animal’s back. Both are described as being “heavyweights” in their fields…. Read more »

December 4, 2015 Craic & Codology

John Delaney has confirmed that he has offered to take on the role of general secretary of the IFA. It is understood that he phoned in his offer at 4 o’clock in the morning on Thursday of last week, while an emergency meeting of the IFA was concluding its marathon session. “Yes, it’s true,” confirmed… Read more »

December 4, 2015 Craic & Codology

GARDAI HAVE made a number of arrests in Dublin as part of a crackdown on sham marriages. Over 12 Fine Gael and Labour TDs were taken into custody last week accused of entering into a fake relationship with each other in order to stay in charge of the country. Suspicions arose when members of both… Read more »

December 4, 2015 Craic & Codology

December 4, 2015 Craic & Codology

By Our Entire Staff Following a stormy meeting of the parliamentary party, Fine Gael TDs have reached broad agreement on their right to be reelected. “They locked James Reilly in a closet and got on with discussing the Eighth Amendment,” revealed a source. “There was a consensus reached that something needs to be done to… Read more »

November 20, 2015 Craic & Codology

Minister Aodhán Ó Geardáin has announced innovative new measures aimed at providing more effective treatment for politicians addicted to publicity. Under the new guidelines, ministers will receive controlled doses of PR under strict supervision at approved centres around the country. “We need to end scenarios where washed to individuals like Eamoan Gilbore is forced to… Read more »

November 20, 2015 Craic & Codology

It was just another routine day of saving the country when the Taoiseach rang. I was surprised he had my phone number. “Eamon – you might remember me,” he said. “There’s been some stuff happening with Callinan. It took place a fortnight ago and I thought you should be kept abreast of the latest developments.”… Read more »

November 20, 2015 Craic & Codology

In a shock move the Taoiseach, Endless Kenny, has announced that members of the army will be used to prevent a sudden rush by the electorate to withdraw large numbers of TDs at the next election. “I know this from speaking to a man I met on the main street in Castlebar recently,” commented Mr…. Read more »

November 20, 2015 Craic & Codology

Cuddly Michel de Loverly is to appear on Strictly Come Dancing following a poll of readers of Modern Man magazine. De Loverly, who plays bridge at the weekends with his granny, is said to be delighted with the good news. De Loverly told Take A Break magazine, “I’ve always wanted to be on Strictly and… Read more »

November 20, 2015 Craic & Codology

by Our Health Staff Dr Strangelove It’s official. Reports about the dangers of eating red meat products are bad for consumers. The latest survey has found conclusive evidence that warnings about consuming sausages, bacon, hamburgers and reading scary newspaper articles are guaranteed to make you ill and shorten your life by “up to 20 years”…. Read more »

November 20, 2015 Craic & Codology

The Labour Party has again dismissed Sinn Féin’s Right2Change transfer pact with Independent candidates, and has urged voters not to “be taken in” by the strategy. A spokesman for the party warns, “You know what these lefty types are like – one day it’s all about ‘helping the poor’, and then as soon as they… Read more »

November 20, 2015 Craic & Codology

TÁNAISTE Joan Burton says “there is no doubt” that Labour environment minister Alan Kelly and FG finance minister Michael Noonan will reach a deal on rent certainty in due course. “Mr. Noonan is a very clever politician who is great with sums and Alan whatsisname is a very talented listener who is also great at…… Read more »

November 20, 2015 Craic & Codology

Latest Syrian talks Sir, – May I be the first to welcome my latest initiative in Vienna to invite all the interested parties to bring about a lasting solution to the war in Syria. If all goes well, UN observers will be allowed to remain in the country, unhindered in their efforts to stand by… Read more »

November 20, 2015 Craic & Codology

In Colm Tóibín’s 180th edition of this riproaring novel, the author himself plays hero, villain, supporting actors and stand-ins. He also directs the movie and does the voice overs. Writing in The Irish Times, Tóibín says, “It’s my best rehash yet but I’m planning my next outing Brooklyn – The Monster Returns, Leaves and Returns… Read more »

November 20, 2015 Craic & Codology

by Our Boxing Staff Phil Ring VINCENT BROWNE: By far the most suitable replacement, in his opinion. Vinny is known for dishing out remorseless punishment – particularly to viewers of his TV3 show. LUCINDA CREIGHTON: Well-experienced in political spats, Lucy has fought many battles – though may find amateur boxing slightly tame compared to Fine… Read more »

November 20, 2015 Craic & Codology

1. Old Stories Of the Rising (Vol 1) by Joe Duffy (Old Rope Press) 2. Callers To Liveline Edited by J. Duffy (Recycled Books) 3. Joe Duffy’s Book Of Traditional 1916 Xmas Recipes (Guff House) 4. Rashers Tierney and Me: The Untold Story by Joe Duffer (Nostalgia Publications) 5. The A-Z Of 1916 Bandwagon Spin-Offs… Read more »

November 20, 2015 Craic & Codology

THE LATEST UFC Fight Night in Dublin was marred by a “few mindless idiots”, organisers said. UFC Dublin took place at the 3Arena where the crowd was treated to the best of Mixed Martial Arts bouts, including five Irish fighters in action. However, after they witnessed defeats for Cathal ‘The Punisher’ Pendred and Paddy ‘The… Read more »

November 20, 2015 Craic & Codology

MARTIN O’NEILL says he will learn lessons from Ireland’s dismal Rugby World Cup showing when it comes to the Euro play-offs against Bosnia-Herzegovina. “We’ve studied the videos closely and identified a number of excuses we can use after we’ve been beaten,” said O’Neill. “Joe Schmidt is meticulous and left no stone unturned when it came… Read more »

November 20, 2015 Craic & Codology

Football pundit Eamo Grumpy has criticised Republic of Ireland manager Martin O’Neill’s squad selection ahead of the Euro 2016 play-off against Bosnia & Herzegovina. “It’s an absolute scandal that Wes Hoolahan is only mentioned once in this squad,” slammed the controversial critic yesterday. “Here we have a player who can literally make a football talk,… Read more »

November 20, 2015 Craic & Codology

The Genius Of Paddy Cosgrave Introduction On How To Bonk A Bean Bag by Apple Executives Why Isn’t The Wifi Working? Is There Too Much Hot Air About The Tech Industry? How We’re Going To Piss Off The Portuguese Why Are Tech Multinationals Being Fleeced By The Taxman? Which Pub Will We Head To? Moaning… Read more »

November 6, 2015 Craic & Codology

By Our Rugby Corr, Gerry Thorny An emotional Joe Schmidt has stated he is determined to find new ways for the Irish rugby team to underachieve following their World Cup exit. “There are a lot of tired minds in that dressing room,” said Schmidt. “The boys are trying to figure out the connotations for sponsorship… Read more »

November 6, 2015 Craic & Codology

By Our Political Staff Dee Sade A huge storm erupted yesterday after it emerged that the CIA has been using Westlife’s music to torture prisoners in Afghanistan. The news has prompted an outcry from ex-members of the group An angry Shane Filan last night told reporters: “This is an absolute outrage that has caused untold pain… Read more »

November 6, 2015 Craic & Codology

Following on from the Westlife CIA torture revelations, it has been further disclosed that the intelligence agency are programming the 2FM daytime schedules. “The fact that 2FM tortures listeners with dross like Westlife, as well as presenters like Eoghan McDermott and Jennifer Maguire, is clear evidence that the station has been infiltrated by CIA agents,”… Read more »

November 6, 2015 Craic & Codology

1. Paul O’Connell: The Biography (Vol 1), the only officially authorised biography, by Mike Madeup 2. My Pal, Paulie, by his only authorised best friend, Brian ‘Drico’ O’Driscoll 3. The Paul O’Connell I Never Knew, the opening volume in a trilogy by assorted hangers-on 4. Lock, Stock And Barrel, the unofficial book of risqué rugby… Read more »