November 20, 2015 Craic & Codology

Football pundit Eamo Grumpy has criticised Republic of Ireland manager Martin O’Neill’s squad selection ahead of the Euro 2016 play-off against Bosnia & Herzegovina. “It’s an absolute scandal that Wes Hoolahan is only mentioned once in this squad,” slammed the controversial critic yesterday. “Here we have a player who can literally make a football talk,… Read more »

November 20, 2015 Craic & Codology

The Genius Of Paddy Cosgrave Introduction On How To Bonk A Bean Bag by Apple Executives Why Isn’t The Wifi Working? Is There Too Much Hot Air About The Tech Industry? How We’re Going To Piss Off The Portuguese Why Are Tech Multinationals Being Fleeced By The Taxman? Which Pub Will We Head To? Moaning… Read more »

November 6, 2015 Craic & Codology

By Our Rugby Corr, Gerry Thorny An emotional Joe Schmidt has stated he is determined to find new ways for the Irish rugby team to underachieve following their World Cup exit. “There are a lot of tired minds in that dressing room,” said Schmidt. “The boys are trying to figure out the connotations for sponsorship… Read more »

November 6, 2015 Craic & Codology

By Our Political Staff Dee Sade A huge storm erupted yesterday after it emerged that the CIA has been using Westlife’s music to torture prisoners in Afghanistan. The news has prompted an outcry from ex-members of the group An angry Shane Filan last night told reporters: “This is an absolute outrage that has caused untold pain… Read more »

November 6, 2015 Craic & Codology

Following on from the Westlife CIA torture revelations, it has been further disclosed that the intelligence agency are programming the 2FM daytime schedules. “The fact that 2FM tortures listeners with dross like Westlife, as well as presenters like Eoghan McDermott and Jennifer Maguire, is clear evidence that the station has been infiltrated by CIA agents,”… Read more »

November 6, 2015 Craic & Codology

1. Paul O’Connell: The Biography (Vol 1), the only officially authorised biography, by Mike Madeup 2. My Pal, Paulie, by his only authorised best friend, Brian ‘Drico’ O’Driscoll 3. The Paul O’Connell I Never Knew, the opening volume in a trilogy by assorted hangers-on 4. Lock, Stock And Barrel, the unofficial book of risqué rugby… Read more »

November 6, 2015 Craic & Codology

Odd 1 Out – One of these guys has absolutely no ball handling experience whatsoever. Can you guess which one? Here’s a clue: He doesn’t play for Goldman Sachs 3rds or speak like an Australian with his head stuck in a lavatory. He knows about as much about rugby as Paul O’Connell knows about men’s… Read more »

November 6, 2015 Craic & Codology

by Our Dáil Staff Miriam Lurid Speculation has continued about the controversial “punching” gesture which Enda Kenny made while Sinn Féin’s Mary Lou McDonald was speaking in the Dáil. Experts in interpreting body language have suggested that the Taoiseach’s repetitive hand movement may have been a desperate attempt at anger management – particularly as Deputy… Read more »

November 6, 2015 Craic & Codology

RUSSIA AND THE USA have come to an agreement over bombing sorties in the Middle East. Tensions had escalated between the nations after Syria had agreed to allow Russia to ‘have a go at Isis’. However, President Obama was against this from the outset, saying that Russia shouldn’t be acting like world police. Now it… Read more »

November 6, 2015 Craic & Codology

Howayez, What’s the story? We’re only getting about 6000 ads a half and we’re missin so many extra moolah-makin opportunities. We need to think outside the box – oh sorry, I mean the 22 (f***in’ hate this bleedin’ posh sport!) So here’s me suggestions to get more logos/commercials onto the telly: 1 Keith Wood’s Head… Read more »

November 6, 2015 Craic & Codology

Who are you?! Sir, – I wish to communicate with the three men in trenchcoats who were walking some 50 paces behind me for over 900 metres in Dublin city centre at 3.27 last Friday. I also want to hear from the waiter who loitered at my table for a solid 25 seconds longer than was… Read more »

November 6, 2015 Craic & Codology

By Our US Election Staff Phil Paper Following the televised debate in Eastwick, Minnesota, front-runner Hillary Clinton’s lead in the Democratic presidential primary race has soared. According to polls, Clinton is now backed by 97% of Democratic primary voters nationally, compared to 2% for Vermont Senator, Bernie Sanders. In the so-called swing states, the former… Read more »

November 6, 2015 Craic & Codology

By Our Religious Staff Conor Pope His Holiness, Pope Francis, has again asked forgiveness for recent sex scandals which have reportedly taken place at the Vatican. “I’m really sorry that some critics of Mother Church are interested in spreading a lot of non-stories which may or may not have happened back in the day,” said… Read more »

November 6, 2015 Craic & Codology

THE DALAI Lama and Patrick Guinness have been chosen to judge the controversial Miss Bikini Ireland competition. The men were selected after their recent comments about women. The chief man in Buddhism said that if there was a female Dalai Lama reincarnation, she would have to be attractive or else she wouldn’t be “much use”,… Read more »

November 6, 2015 Craic & Codology

A housebound single male parent reflects… “Having prayed for seven hours for seven days in the seven weeks prior to the budget, I felt sure that the finance minister would listen to the advice of a Greater Power and provide some relief for people in my circumstances. While the mothers of my three children gain… Read more »

November 6, 2015 Craic & Codology

I Thou shalt not have other Godforsaken people before US! II Thou shalt not take the name of me and the others who lord it over you in vain. III Remember the name of the street and keep it wholly amongst ourselves. IV Honour your father and your mother’s revulsion. V Thou shalt not kill… Read more »

November 6, 2015 Craic & Codology

Dress up like MICK WALLACE and scare the bejaysus out of half of the Northern Ireland Assembly. A SHANE LONG mask that will have 80 millions Germans shaking with fear SEAN O’BRIEN – Attack a Frenchie and get off (almost) scot-free DENIS O’BRIEN WIG & (LAW) SUIT – Send a shiver down journalists’ spinesWESTLIFE COSTUMES –… Read more »

September 5, 2015 Craic & Codology

by Yvonne Connolly Apart from being one of the country’s most beautiful and incredibly talented models, I’ve always been a highly intuitive person who has a lot to give. Of course, my glamorous Boyzone marriage brought its own pressure, but I was lucky enough able to take the whole celebrity roller-coaster in my stride. But… Read more »

September 5, 2015 Craic & Codology

US Presidential hopeful Deez Nuts has ruled out taking a role in the Irish Cabinet. The 15-year-old has gained surprising traction for his candidacy, polling at up to 9% in one state, but has insisted a post in Enda Kenny’s government is not in the offing. “I don’t want my election bid to be derailed… Read more »

September 5, 2015 Craic & Codology

This week, top nutritionist Dr. Paschal Donohoe offers some food for thought on how to prevent pain and ruination in Ireland. As a doctor I am oft en asked, “Doc, what dietary recommendation have you to reduce high blood pressure, prevent heart attacks and help people to avoid sudden shock syndrome?” Well, fi rst we… Read more »

September 5, 2015 Craic & Codology

Medical authorities last night cautioned that female Viagra stories may lead to exhaustion amongst males who struggle to keep pace with the exciting development. The warnings come as three hacks were found collapsed over their desks in the early hours of the morning as they tried to meet the paper’s demand on their prowess. “The… Read more »

September 5, 2015 Craic & Codology

The euro’s future was again heading towards jeopardy last night, after Greece warned Germany to “get its act together” over bailout funding. The warning followed increasing uncertainty amongst German politicians, before the country’s parliament agreed to allow the ESM provide a third bailout. “To be honest, we are getting a bit fed up with these… Read more »

September 5, 2015 Craic & Codology

Calls were growing last night for political ‘marriages of convenience’ to be outlawed. The demands come amidst increasing public anger that such arrangements are merely sham exercises where one or both parties merely want to secure residency in Leinster House. Critics say in many cases the ‘partners’ often speak a different language to ordinary Irish… Read more »

September 5, 2015 Craic & Codology

TRINITY Hipster Studies Theory and Practice of Hipsterism (formerly Takeaway Psychology). Introduction to socio-political relevance of big beards, vintage and thrift shop clothes, shiny brown shoes, braces, tattoos, alternative music and pretentious views about organic food. UCD Sleep Management Open-ended distant learning analysis (replacing Shopping Centre Studies) comprising cultural impact of sleep, duvet dependency, use… Read more »

September 5, 2015 Craic & Codology

■ Compulsory wearing of baseball caps 24/7 ■ Obama to be tried for not committing any war crimes ■ America to invade some place ■ Sarah Palin’s birthday to be a national holiday ■ Kick Putin’s ass

September 5, 2015 Craic & Codology

SUDOKU PARTY Combining burlesque, origami, cookery and experimental theatre, this unique chill-out space is located in an upside-down bouncy castle. Th ere will be special backwards screenings of Tarkovsky and Godard films, while guest DJs include Gavin Friday, Gary Lightbody and Eddie Hobbs. PLANT HIRE DISCO A full-scale recreation of a plant hire business from… Read more »

September 5, 2015 Craic & Codology

Concerned male Sir, – I am gravely concerned over the speculation surrounding this newfangled Viagra for women folk, which we are hearing so much about. Like any red-blooded Irish man, I am absolutely appalled that the fairer sex should feel it requisite to pop a pill in order to properly appreciate a man’s physique! Heavens,… Read more »

September 5, 2015 Craic & Codology

IRELAND BOSS Martin O’Neill says he will give evidence in the trial of midfielder Darron Gibson after he was charged with drink-driving. Th e Everton man is alleged to have been involved in a hit-and-run with a cyclist, failing to stop after an accident and hitting a petrol pump with his car. But O’Neill, a… Read more »

September 5, 2015 Craic & Codology

An American man shot dead by his two-year-old son “died doing what he loved”, according to a close friend. Th e Alabama resident was showing his young son how to fi re a revolver when the fatal accident occurred. “If there is any consolation it’s that he died doing what he loved,” said neighbour Chuck… Read more »

September 5, 2015 Craic & Codology

Ireland football manager Martin O’Neill has asked An Garda Síochána and British police forces to search their files for any exciting young talent that may have been overlooked. Th e Irish boss is also understood to be keen on establishing a prison scouting system across both countries. The move comes aft er Jeff Hendrick was… Read more »

September 5, 2015 Craic & Codology

IRELAND’S PREPARATIONS for a World Cup of mediocrity are in full fl ow after easy wins over the mighty Wales and Scotland. Now ranked as the second best team in the world, Joe Schmidt’s men are right on track to repeat the glorious failures of 2007 and 2011. “We’re going to get carried away,” Schmidt… Read more »

September 5, 2015 Craic & Codology

Thousands of Irish people are living in fear, after details of their online activities were leaked on the Dark Net following the Ashley Madison hack. The expose threatens to reveal the sordid internet history, email addresses and pictures of the users. It is expected to show that thousands of Irish people have been clicking on… Read more »

September 5, 2015 Craic & Codology

Following on from their sensational scoop about Alan Shatter allegedly claiming 12 euro in expenses, the Irish Daily Star has uncovered further evidence of outrageous extravagance amongst Irish politicians. According to documents seen by the paper, TDs have claimed upwards of 30 cents for items such as matches and toothpicks. Despite the wave of indifference… Read more »

September 5, 2015 Craic & Codology

The Government is to ask NASA for help with administering Irish Water, it has confirmed. The coalition no longer has any clue who qualifies for the €100 conservation grant and requires the space agency’s help with the calculations. “This is obviously a massive project for us,” said a NASA spokesman yesterday. “We’ve been busy with… Read more »

September 5, 2015 Craic & Codology

Minister for Doorways and Park Benches Alan Kelly has stringently defended his approach to the country’s homeless crisis, and denies he failed adequately to address the situation while on his summer holidays. “To say I was ‘hiding’ from the issue is a monstrous fallacy of gigantic proportions”, said the straight talking minister from his mobile… Read more »

September 5, 2015 Craic & Codology

Former Fianna Fail Senator Averil Power has confi rmed she has found a new route to not getting elected. Having already failed to get elected for FF, Power has revealed that she faces rejection as an Independent candidate in Dublin Bay North at the next election. “Averil Power is an icon for our times,” commented… Read more »