New Trump outrage
December 17, 2015 Craic & Codology
by Our Political Corr, Phil Column Having run out of minorities to attack, Donald Trump has called on his own supporters to be deported. At a rally where the Republican candidate stood amidst hundreds of his own fans, he shouted that in order to “make America great again” everyone would have to go. The unusual… Read more »
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McGREGOR SALUTES MANNION
December 17, 2015 Craic & Codology
MOTORMOUTH CONOR McGregor has hailed Teresa Mannion for her outstanding display of reporting during Storm Desmond. The RTÉ employee went viral after her live report from a rain-lashed Salthill in Galway. The UFC star said: “She flailed around hysterically, talked absolute guff and generally hammed it up for the cameras, so I think she’d be… Read more »
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TRAVELLERS TURNED AWAY FROM INN
December 17, 2015 Craic & Codology
In a harrowing Yuletide tale, two weary travellers were turned away from an inn in Limerick because there was no room. Echoing the story of the Nativity, the bedraggled couple were refused entry to accommodation after a long trek in stormy weather and had to return home. Denied the publicity that would have come with… Read more »
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BAD SEASONAL CHAT-UP LINES
December 17, 2015 Craic & Codology
“ESRI report and chill?” “Fancy going to an industrial tribunal next week?” “I have a couple of passes to the next Siptu conference.” “Eamon Gilmore’s memoir is amazing.” “Have you read Cliff Taylor’s latest Irish Times column?” “I love when Philip Boucher Hayes stands in on Liveline.“ “Matt Cooper book and chill?”
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CHRISTMAS MOVIE HIGHLIGHTS
December 17, 2015 Craic & Codology
Return to the Jungle of the Apes Leo Varadkar plays Tarzan in this classic remake of a seasonal movie favourite. Includes unforgettable spectacular outdoor sequence when all the creepy-crawly friends furiously climb the greasy pole. Co-starring a feisty Frances Fitzgerald as Jane and Simon Coveney as Cheetah. Psycho IV Latest re-make of Hitchcock’s horror masterpiece…. Read more »
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Letters to the Editor
December 17, 2015 Craic & Codology
Email: guff@southsidetimes.con (no attachments – or anyone earning less than €100,000) Post: Nonsense Dept, Humbug Street, D2, Eire (beside UK) Follow Letters page on Twitter: @ITCrap Garda Inspectorate report Sir, – As a Garda Síochána desk staffer of 28 years stan… er, sitting, I am extremely concerned about the latest Garda Inspectorate report, which states… Read more »
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Enda Kenny’s comments “unacceptable” – Trump
December 17, 2015 Craic & Codology
by Our Political Staff – Martin Wail US REPUBLICAN presidential candidate Donald Trump has said that recent remarks made by Taoiseach Enda Kenny are “totally unacceptable”. Mr Trump was responding to a speech given by the outspoken Fine Gael leader in which he suggested that all left-wing TDs should be banned from re-entering politics after next… Read more »
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AMERICAN TWITTER REACTION TO GALWAY-DUBLIN SUPER 11’S HURLING FIGHT
December 4, 2015 Craic & Codology
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ACTION MAN JEFFREY
December 4, 2015 Craic & Codology
Add this sensational new action figure to your collection – and enjoy hours of nuclear deterrent fun! Prominent unionist MP and have-a-go hero Jeffrey is ready and willing to protect Europe’s interest – even if it means starting World War 3. Comes complete with: Creepy soft-spoken voice Boyish Daniel O’Donnell grin Trident missiles Watch Jeffrey… Read more »
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Letters to the Editor
December 4, 2015 Craic & Codology
After Peter Robinson Sir, – Peter Robinson’s brave decision to step down as First Minister before he was forced to do so typifies the qualities which have made him one of Northern Ireland’s most outstanding politicians. For over three decades, he has distinguished himself, not just as Dr Ian Paisley’s long-serving deputy but as the… Read more »
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KEANO’S GUIDE TO FRANCE 2016
December 4, 2015 Craic & Codology
1. FRANCE Look, it’s France. The lads don’t fancy it. Never have. A real lack of desire among the French. Poor defensively. Maginot Line. Lacking in the basic areas of the game. Forget France. Head to Germany and watch the games from there. 2. THE FOOD I don’t rate it as a cuisine, I don’t… Read more »
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PARIS CLIMATE CHANGE CONFERENCE
December 4, 2015 Craic & Codology
PARIS CLIMATE CHANGE CONFERENCE AGENDA Wave hands about Blame Russia Shout at China Something about polar bears Don’t mention the aviation industry Have a go at India Promise to reduce something or other by 2040 Is that the time already? Menu please I’ll have the rare rhinoceros tongue before it get extinct,… Read more »
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FEARS GROW OF ANOTHER ‘INTEL’
December 4, 2015 Craic & Codology
Security forces say Ireland is under a growing threat of more bomb hoaxes as more and more people find jobs they don’t like. “The Intel incident was just the tip of the iceberg”, says one senior security expert. “There is massive discontent out there, especially with early starters. We’re seeing dozens of young men cancelling… Read more »
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No new Donald Trump gaffe shock
December 4, 2015 Craic & Codology
by Our Political Staff Henry McGoo The American political scene was rocked today following a 24-hour period during which Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump did not insult any minorities on television. Throughout that time, there were no reports of Mr Trump mocking disabled journalists or making racist remarks about Mexican immigrants being drug-crazed criminals and… Read more »
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Farmers linked to animal cruelty shock!
December 4, 2015 Craic & Codology
Animal welfare officials have called for stiffer penalties for animal cruelty after two farmers were reportedly seen riding on a pig’s back for several years. Sources have named the men as Eddie Downey and Pat Smith, and say they “travelled the country” on the animal’s back. Both are described as being “heavyweights” in their fields…. Read more »
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Government concerned by homeless problem
December 4, 2015 Craic & Codology
THE GOVERNMENT has appealed for Dublin’s homeless community to bed down a little further from the Dail this Christmas. Last year there was public outrage when a man sleeping rough died just yards from the centre of Ireland’s parliament, an incident which forced Taoiseach Enda Kenny to take to the streets to meet homeless people…. Read more »
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IS THE POPE CATHOLIC?
December 4, 2015 Craic & Codology
POPE FRANCIS has been hailed by Church moderates after handing out free condoms at a huge Mass celebration in Kenya. Before his first trip to Africa, God’s main man on earth told journalists he would offer “spiritual and material” support to Kenya, Uganda and the war-torn Central African Republic. Little did the faithful know that… Read more »
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Leinster apologise
December 4, 2015 Craic & Codology
LEINSTER RUGBY have apologised to season-ticket holders and offered a full refund. Many fans of the 12-County Army are distraught after their Champions Cup hopes were smashed by two defeats in two games. Even the return of injury-prone Johnny Sexton from France couldn’t help the Blues. A Leinster spokesman said: “It’s only fair that we… Read more »
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GAA UPDATE
December 4, 2015 Craic & Codology
THE GAA has been praised after successfully passing the baton of wanton violence from International Rules football to Super 11s hurling. The compromise game seemed to be on its deathbed after both Ireland and Australia decided to play in a sporting manner, focus on catching and kicking skills and not batter each other. Many fans… Read more »
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PHOTO-OP OF THE WEEK
December 4, 2015 Craic & Codology
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Banking Inquiry latest
December 4, 2015 Craic & Codology
By Our Financial Staff Phil Pockets Members of the Banking Inquiry yesterday agreed a plan for publishing the panel’s report sometime before 2070. A special finalisation team has been appointed and is already in the process of reducing its initial 750-page report. “We have it down to about 500 words,” said one member of the… Read more »
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Delaney offers to do IFA job
December 4, 2015 Craic & Codology
John Delaney has confirmed that he has offered to take on the role of general secretary of the IFA. It is understood that he phoned in his offer at 4 o’clock in the morning on Thursday of last week, while an emergency meeting of the IFA was concluding its marathon session. “Yes, it’s true,” confirmed… Read more »
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NEW SHAM MARRIAGE CRACKDOWN
December 4, 2015 Craic & Codology
GARDAI HAVE made a number of arrests in Dublin as part of a crackdown on sham marriages. Over 12 Fine Gael and Labour TDs were taken into custody last week accused of entering into a fake relationship with each other in order to stay in charge of the country. Suspicions arose when members of both… Read more »
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FG reach consensus on right to reelection
December 4, 2015 Craic & Codology
By Our Entire Staff Following a stormy meeting of the parliamentary party, Fine Gael TDs have reached broad agreement on their right to be reelected. “They locked James Reilly in a closet and got on with discussing the Eighth Amendment,” revealed a source. “There was a consensus reached that something needs to be done to… Read more »
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NEW CENTRES FOR PUBLICITY ADDICTS
November 20, 2015 Craic & Codology
Minister Aodhán Ó Geardáin has announced innovative new measures aimed at providing more effective treatment for politicians addicted to publicity. Under the new guidelines, ministers will receive controlled doses of PR under strict supervision at approved centres around the country. “We need to end scenarios where washed to individuals like Eamoan Gilbore is forced to… Read more »
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More Gilmore book extracts
November 20, 2015 Craic & Codology
It was just another routine day of saving the country when the Taoiseach rang. I was surprised he had my phone number. “Eamon – you might remember me,” he said. “There’s been some stuff happening with Callinan. It took place a fortnight ago and I thought you should be kept abreast of the latest developments.”… Read more »
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Army to be used to prevent withdrawals
November 20, 2015 Craic & Codology
In a shock move the Taoiseach, Endless Kenny, has announced that members of the army will be used to prevent a sudden rush by the electorate to withdraw large numbers of TDs at the next election. “I know this from speaking to a man I met on the main street in Castlebar recently,” commented Mr…. Read more »
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RYANAIR MR NICE GUY TO APPEAR ON STRICTLY COME DANCING
November 20, 2015 Craic & Codology
Cuddly Michel de Loverly is to appear on Strictly Come Dancing following a poll of readers of Modern Man magazine. De Loverly, who plays bridge at the weekends with his granny, is said to be delighted with the good news. De Loverly told Take A Break magazine, “I’ve always wanted to be on Strictly and… Read more »
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Brooklyn Movie – The Revenge Of Tóibín
November 20, 2015 Craic & Codology
In Colm Tóibín’s 180th edition of this riproaring novel, the author himself plays hero, villain, supporting actors and stand-ins. He also directs the movie and does the voice overs. Writing in The Irish Times, Tóibín says, “It’s my best rehash yet but I’m planning my next outing Brooklyn – The Monster Returns, Leaves and Returns… Read more »
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Who will replace Billy Walsh?
November 20, 2015 Craic & Codology
by Our Boxing Staff Phil Ring VINCENT BROWNE: By far the most suitable replacement, in his opinion. Vinny is known for dishing out remorseless punishment – particularly to viewers of his TV3 show. LUCINDA CREIGHTON: Well-experienced in political spats, Lucy has fought many battles – though may find amateur boxing slightly tame compared to Fine… Read more »
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NEXT WEEK’S BESTSELLERS
November 20, 2015 Craic & Codology
1. Old Stories Of the Rising (Vol 1) by Joe Duffy (Old Rope Press) 2. Callers To Liveline Edited by J. Duffy (Recycled Books) 3. Joe Duffy’s Book Of Traditional 1916 Xmas Recipes (Guff House) 4. Rashers Tierney and Me: The Untold Story by Joe Duffer (Nostalgia Publications) 5. The A-Z Of 1916 Bandwagon Spin-Offs… Read more »
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Danger of red meat scare stories
November 20, 2015 Craic & Codology
by Our Health Staff Dr Strangelove It’s official. Reports about the dangers of eating red meat products are bad for consumers. The latest survey has found conclusive evidence that warnings about consuming sausages, bacon, hamburgers and reading scary newspaper articles are guaranteed to make you ill and shorten your life by “up to 20 years”…. Read more »
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“Lefty parties can’t be trusted,” warn Labour
November 20, 2015 Craic & Codology
The Labour Party has again dismissed Sinn Féin’s Right2Change transfer pact with Independent candidates, and has urged voters not to “be taken in” by the strategy. A spokesman for the party warns, “You know what these lefty types are like – one day it’s all about ‘helping the poor’, and then as soon as they… Read more »
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Burton latest
November 20, 2015 Craic & Codology
TÁNAISTE Joan Burton says “there is no doubt” that Labour environment minister Alan Kelly and FG finance minister Michael Noonan will reach a deal on rent certainty in due course. “Mr. Noonan is a very clever politician who is great with sums and Alan whatsisname is a very talented listener who is also great at…… Read more »
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Letters to the Editor
November 20, 2015 Craic & Codology
Latest Syrian talks Sir, – May I be the first to welcome my latest initiative in Vienna to invite all the interested parties to bring about a lasting solution to the war in Syria. If all goes well, UN observers will be allowed to remain in the country, unhindered in their efforts to stand by… Read more »
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Pleb Summit Discussion Panels
November 20, 2015 Craic & Codology
The Genius Of Paddy Cosgrave Introduction On How To Bonk A Bean Bag by Apple Executives Why Isn’t The Wifi Working? Is There Too Much Hot Air About The Tech Industry? How We’re Going To Piss Off The Portuguese Why Are Tech Multinationals Being Fleeced By The Taxman? Which Pub Will We Head To? Moaning… Read more »
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