September 21, 2016 Craic & Codology

Compiled by Dick Shunery An occasional service to Phoenix readers explaining the meaning of certain words that have suddenly become newsworthy This week: “Cook” 1. To subject or be subjected to intense heat: the government cooked under pressure. 2. to generate a controversy; to cook up a storm. 3. To spoil something. See also cooker:… Read more »

September 21, 2016 Craic & Codology

Fine Gael deputy leader James Reilly is selling off his vintage car collection. Here’s a look at what’s on offer: Hogan Road- Hugger GT Sod One of the Big Beasts of the road, this wide-bodied hot rod convertible has been garaged for most of its life. However, it has been recently sighted around some of Europe’s… Read more »

September 21, 2016 Craic & Codology

Fits even more easily down the back of the sofa without you knowing. Works under water up to 500m for 40 minutes or until you drown. Reinforced screen means great new range of games such as hockey, hurling and road bowling can be enjoyed without breakage. Empties your wallet. Smoother edges mean easier and faster… Read more »

September 21, 2016 Craic & Codology

TOLERANCE: Celtic fans reach across the sectarian divide with a message of hope and unity CELTIC BOSS Brendan Rodgers has said Barcelona “got off lightly” because they are not Protestants. The Bhoys manager saw his side trash Rangers 5-1 in the Scottish Premiership before going slightly easier against the mainly Catholic Catalan side in the… Read more »

September 21, 2016 Craic & Codology

STICKY: The couple have been labelled sticky by fans because they can’t stop bleedin’ sticking to each other at matches JOE McGlue, Chief Security Officer at the FAI, has denied that fans were searched entering a recent game, as part of Operation Loctite, to establish if they were carrying banners protesting at John Delaney’s continued… Read more »

September 21, 2016 Craic & Codology

What went wrong not quite right: It rained heavily on the Thursday Enda gave interviews They let their dogs chase us down the street Half the culchies couldn’t understawned where we were coming from Michael Noonan They mistook us for the Labour Party Lunch was just exhausting Recommendations: Never let them see you crossing your… Read more »

September 7, 2016 Craic & Codology

ROTTEN TO THE CORP: Finance minister Baldy Noonan pictured here doing his impression of Thing from the Fantastic Four MICK Noonan of the “Govt of Ireland” syndicate – which won 13 billion euros in the Apple “Orchard Thieves” competition – has decided to refuse the prize. Entrants were asked to answer just one question –… Read more »

September 7, 2016 Craic & Codology

Lucanbleak to Ballintears Mountjoyless to Kincooledown Anywhere between Blackrock and a Hard Place Swordsdrawn to Malahideme Ballymoregrief to Ringsendinthearmy!

September 7, 2016 Craic & Codology

COOKIN’ THE BOOKS: Apple CEO Tim Cook said that he’d even stump for a few packets of bacon fries next time he’s in Dublin “Sound, lads, I’ll get you a pint next time I’m in Dublin” – That’s the message from Apple CEO Tim Cook to the Irish Government after the Cabinet decided to appeal… Read more »

September 7, 2016 Craic & Codology

PAT HICKEY: No tickies BELEAGUERED OCI official Pat Hickey insists he “has no tickets for sale” for his highly-anticipated trial in Rio. The septuagenarian has also asked the public “to stop ringing me up asking me”. Sources in Rio say there is already “spectacular interest” in the predicted trial and that tickets, if available, would… Read more »

September 7, 2016 Craic & Codology

BALLS-UP: Weiner has described the woman’s claims as nuts A 26-YEAR-OLD US woman yesterday sensationally claimed she had not yet received any explicit messages from former Congressman Anthony Weiner. She told New York reporters: “Yes, it’s absolutely true. Anthony has not sent me any images of himself in his underpants.” But in an immediate response… Read more »

September 7, 2016 Craic & Codology

CONOR McGREGOR’S GUN UFC BOSSES are said to be on the verge of telling Conor McGregor that he can’t use a machine gun during his next fight. The Dublin brawler posted a picture on Instagram holding a large black machine gun while wearing a bathrobe. Now MMA supremo Dana White is becoming worried that, after… Read more »

September 7, 2016 Craic & Codology

PICTURESQUE: Dundalk is looking well ahead of the first Europa League home games ANTICIPATION is building in Dundalk as the Lilywhites prepare to embark on their first Europa League campaign this month. With trips to Russia, Holland and Israel on the schedule for the League of Ireland side, club officials are well aware of the… Read more »

September 7, 2016 Craic & Codology

DUMMIES: Jedward pictured with the O’Donovan Brothers after giving them a makeover JEDWARD have hit out at the O’Donovan brothers, accusing them of “putting on an act to get attention”. The migraine-inducing X Factor stars slammed the Olympic silver medallists for their “stage-Cork personas” and “faux-twin chemistry” during numerous TV interviews. DUMB “Like, OMG,” said… Read more »

September 7, 2016 Craic & Codology

CONTROVERSIAL: Rumour has it that David Quinn will be entering next year as the Catholic Guilt Rose IN THE biggest overhaul of the format in its 907 year history, RTÉ says is to re-package the Rose of Tralee “to meet the modern interpretation of Irish womanhood” and to “reflect the prickly aspect of the rose… Read more »

September 7, 2016 Craic & Codology

DON’T MENTION THE FRAUD: Basil Lowry TD RTÉ has announced that it is to revive the hilarious sitcom series Lowry Towers, about an anarchic patient hotel and its chaotic owner, Basil Lowry. A spokesperson for RTE explained that it was inundated with requests to show the classic series again. And who can ever forget these… Read more »

September 7, 2016 Craic & Codology

Katherine Zappone claiming that centre is “fit for purpose” (as an incinerator) Young detainees complaining of burnt toast (and buildings) Michael O’Leary telling everyone to go to hell Snipers in watch tower on lookout for newspaper hacks Small cringing man (E. Kenny) hiding behind smoke-screen Serious overcrowding problems – ten to a roof Zapper’s meteoric… Read more »

September 7, 2016 Craic & Codology

The EU – F*k off! Passengers complaining about leg room – F*ck off! Any horse that runs faster than a Gigginstown horse – F*ck off! Aer Lingus – F*ck off! People offended by blue jokes – F*ck off!

August 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

Conor McGregor Frank Cluskey

August 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

IDYLLIC: A traditional summer festival in O’Brien’s County Clare hometown ENRAGED Irish novelist Edna O’Brien says she may turn her back on the literary community and “live a simpler life in rural Ireland” following the decision of the Man Booker Prize judges to omit her latest novel, Little Red Chairs, from this year’s list of… Read more »

August 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

GRIZZLED: An artist’s depiction of what Enda might look like when he eventually leaves office by Dion O‘Saur Taoiseach Enda Kenny has “warmly welcomed” Minister for Public Expenditure and Reform Paschal O’Donohoe’s move to maybe consider a possible debate on the potential of raising the retirement level for workers in Ireland. “It is great to… Read more »

August 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

Tasteful, understated, €20,000 a night luxury hotel suite Snipers targeting ex-workers Bouncers keeping out undesirable (Siptu officials) Shopper who has been lost on third floor for past week Statue of Deirdre Foley Massive storage room (for D2 Private cash) Tourist being mugged on O’Connell Street Vulture fund manager on pig’s back

August 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

Before you go get yourself a good lawyer on standby in Brazil. Bring a second (false?) passport so you can get the F*** out of the country pronto! Learn a few martial arts moves and get good with a knife in case you end up in Bangu prison. Learn basic Brazilian terms like “I’m innocent”,… Read more »

August 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

Q. How do you feel after your performance? A. Incredible/Unbelievable/Amazing Q. What was the atmosphere like out there? A. Fantastic/Electric/ Awesome Q. And what about the Irish supporters? A. Unreal/Amazing/Incredible Q. What’s been the reaction of your family? A. Unbelievable/Incredible/Fantastic Q. Would you like to rant about being cheated now? A. Yes

August 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

HEADS UP!: Dáithí Ó Sé’s decapitated body was lauded as a big improvement on the full version of Dáithí that hosted last year. THERE was a big shake up to the Rose of Tralee this year as organisers changed the format for the contest. Aiming to modernise the 57-year-old festival — which is not a… Read more »

August 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

ENVIRONMENTAL experts claim Kerry TD Danny Healy-Rae is “caused by God” and say there is “not much we can do about it”. The shock assertion comes after the Independent politician poured cold water on the so-called “scientific fact” that climate change is man-made by emitting a massive blast of hot air. The Kerryman’s views on… Read more »

August 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

On climate change: Any leprechaun in de country will tell ya ’tis caused by God’s volcanoes in order we have a ta in summer and clean roads in winter. De little peepul do never be wrong and ’tis they tipped off Noah so he could build de ark. On women’s rights: I shtrongly believe dat… Read more »

August 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

Receives news by phone from a government lackey, dropping croissant and almost spilling morning latté Checks out story with more reliable lackey in Sindo office Puts on very cross face Goes to Rio with new pair of runners Loosens tie and waves finger at Pat Hickey while frowning heavily Declines Hickey’s offer of turkey sandwich… Read more »