May 5, 2016 Craic & Codology

In his most passionate statement yet against suspending water charges, acting environment minister Alan Kelly has warned that “Ireland is on the road to becoming a vast, arid, uninhabitable dessert populated by wild camels and watched over by vultures feeding on the carcasses of dehydrated householders,” unless the taxation remains. Visibly emotional that his leadership… Read more »

May 5, 2016 Craic & Codology

After a “hastily-convened meeting” RTÉ has decided to confine its foremost political correspondent, Martina Fitzpatrick, to delivering her daily TV news reports from the safety of a darkened street. This follows a spate of outragous interruptions inside Government Buildings, as Ms Fitzperfectly filed her numerous reports on the ongoing negotiations on the formation of a… Read more »

May 5, 2016 Craic & Codology

Smug TD and confused negotiator Leo Varadkar has said he likes “Tory toff Boris Johnson’s way of doing business”. In an interview with The Oxford University Miner, Leo declared, “I like Johnson. He pretends to care about Brexit when really he’s manoeuvring to be PM. I think this is really admirable. It’s kind of like… Read more »

May 5, 2016 Craic & Codology

Tens of thousands of Irish Catholics have reacted with disappointment to Pope Francis’s Joy of Love leaflet after it failed to meet their expectations. “I really thought this time he was going to go for it,” shrugged a disconsolate masochistic transvestite brothel owner in Cork. “But he stuck to old ways of thinking. I had… Read more »

May 5, 2016 Craic & Codology

TD and Sindo columnist Shane Ross is said to be taking very seriously the idea of taking on the cabinet Portfolio of “Minister of keeping himself a minister”. Speaking from his bath in the Merrion Hotel Mr Ross told Country Life magazine, “As a I don’t stand for anything I think I’m an ideal person… Read more »

May 5, 2016 Craic & Codology

EUROVISION HOPEFUL Nicky Byrne has revealed that he ‘never wanted to sing again after Westlife’ and now his dream has come true. ‘After selling (out) so many records over the years I felt like I couldn’t continue in the entertainment business,’ he said. ‘Luckily for me, this Eurovision thing came up and now I am… Read more »

May 5, 2016 Craic & Codology

WILDLIFE EXTRA – Supreme Opportunists No. 897… This rare North American primate is a traveller and can be found as far from home as Western Europe. The Zappone makes friends easily with other troops and their leaders. Once in a tribe, the Zapper will quickly outmanoeuvre her competitors by supporting the leader no matter how… Read more »

May 5, 2016 Craic & Codology

by Our Environment Staff – Jawn Waters THE COUNTRY’s largest drain, Irish Water, is now well on course to receive millions of additional euros over the lifetime of the new minority government, according to Taoiseach Enda Kenny. Speaking in Dáil Éireann yesterday, the Taoiseach reminded TDs that the Drain was uniquely designed so that tax-payers could… Read more »

May 5, 2016 Craic & Codology

Prince and I became lifelong friends nearly 40 years ago and through the years, I have been given a unique insight into what the legendary musician wasn’t really like. Like so many of his worldwide fans, I will never forget seeing something on the internet about the death of this multi-talented Prince formerly known as… Read more »

May 5, 2016 Craic & Codology

Observers have labelled a desperate attempt to save a man’s face in Dublin as “laughable” , and say the result has left the man in question “looking very sheepish.” It is understood that the man, known as Enda and believed to be from Mayo, was in a bad way since his face fell shortly after… Read more »

May 5, 2016 Craic & Codology

Over 3000 kegs, 10 brass bands, 400 cheerleaders and 84 DJs were shipped into Áras an Uachtaráin, following Alice Mary Higgins’ election to the Seanad. The Higgins family rocked the party as they celebrated pulling down over €315,000 in salaries from the state plus expenses, plus drivers AND a massive mansion in Phoenix Park. The… Read more »

May 5, 2016 Craic & Codology

19-99 – Average Dublin score in upcoming Leinster Championship Sign Of The Times (Umpires raising another green flag) Let’s Go Crazy (on the score board) Kiss (Sam Maguire for the next 10 years) U Got The Look (Of a team that’s about to take a beating) When Kerrymen Cry (Looking at the Dubs coasting to… Read more »

May 5, 2016 Craic & Codology

by Our Political Staff – Phil Page NOW THAT the long wait is over and the new Fine Gael minority government is finally up and running, there is only one crucial question on every political correspondent’s lips. Just how long will today’s piece on the 32nd Dáil manage to last? While there is always a chance… Read more »

April 21, 2016 Craic & Codology

Widdevr ya do, don’t git sick in Piddyland or you woan git hoam before Chrimmas! Doan git stuck in the vicious civil woar bitwin thopposing fictions noon as Finny Gel and Finny Foul thet azbin ragin’ like a lunatic peck o’ dingos go fir over 90 yiers! Strewth! Deylight robbery is a growin’ prollem in… Read more »

April 21, 2016 Craic & Codology

By Our Loch Ness Staff Investigators scouring the murky depths of Ireland’s Labour Party in search of a leader have discovered the prop used to make the scary Fine Gael creature look like it was for real. The prop was often seen nodding its head when the cameras were rolling at a time when the… Read more »

April 21, 2016 Craic & Codology

UFC chiefs have promised to keep the memory of Joao Carvalho alive by staging the “biggest pay-per-view event the sport has ever seen”. The organisation has stated that UFC200 will be a commemorative tribute. A spokesman said: “We’re going to have a minute of abuse being fired from the crowd at all the participants. A… Read more »

April 21, 2016 Craic & Codology

The various TDs involved in discussions on the formation of a new government today announced what the shape of that new government will be. “All of the parties to the discussions were totally committed,” insisted a spokesperson. “These were politicians, eager and resolved to reach a sustainable conclusion. The shape of the next government will… Read more »

April 21, 2016 Craic & Codology

LSD enthusiasts have moved to distance themselves from Vogue Williams after the presenter announced plans to take hallucinogenic drugs live on TV as part of a new RTÉ series. “To be honest, I don’t want to be in anyway associated with Williams or RTÉ 2,” said one user. “I tried looking at one of her… Read more »

April 21, 2016 Craic & Codology

With the Ryanair boss saying he has a “50/50 chance” of retiring in 2018, speculation is mounting about his possible successor Roy Keane Has plenty of experience of managing low-cost, no-frills outfit thanks to Euro 2016 campaign, and has been enthusiastic supporter of Ryanair style of customer relations. Bono The high-flying singer and world saviour… Read more »

April 21, 2016 Craic & Codology

John Whittingdale Scandal by Con Dumb THE sex worker at the centre of the latest Conservative Party scandal has admitted that she was “highly embarrassed” to discover that one of her regular clients was the Culture Secretary, John Whittingdale. It emerged last night that Honey Trapp had been having a secret six-month relationship with the… Read more »

April 21, 2016 Craic & Codology

by Our Political Staff DAVID CAMERON has thanked former Irish Taoiseach Bertie Ahern for his help in avoiding awkward questions about his financial affairs. The British PM contacted Mr Ahern shortly after his late father’s name was mentioned in the leaked Panama Papers. Cameron said: “I had been on to Bertie before releasing that statement… Read more »

April 21, 2016 Craic & Codology

Those Shutterbug stock clichés Look how awfully clever I am I don’t like him / her Here’s another double entendre Irish fashion models; dontcha hate em? What about this for a very punny caption? The pen is flightier than the sword.

April 21, 2016 Craic & Codology

Feast of sound bites Lashings of waffle Load of cod Pie in the sky Just a trifle boring!

April 21, 2016 Craic & Codology

Garda sergeants and inspectors say they are not at all happy with current deployment policies within the force. “As first responders dealing with the constant threat of radical extremism and international terrorism, the lads need to be equipped with air-to-ground missiles fired by aerial drones and low-yield nuclear weapons,” said a spokesman yesterday. Following their… Read more »

April 21, 2016 Craic & Codology

Hens across the country have reacted angrily to remarks by an unidentified senior garda that the force would be reduced to responding “like headless chickens” in the event of a terrorist attack. Visibly perturbed, a free range Rhode Island Red in Wexford says she is, “sick and tired of having my brood associated with the… Read more »

April 21, 2016 Craic & Codology

“As you know, I have been widely applauded for releasing details of my tax returns and have now proven beyond doubt that I have nothing at all to worry about as regards my finances. Personally, I feel very lucky to have had a supportive family that taught me to appreciate the important things in life,… Read more »

April 21, 2016 Craic & Codology

AMY SCHUMER and Sacha Baron Cohen have volunteered Bono to go to Syria to fight Isis. Last week the U2 frontman suggested to a US Senate sub-committee that the best way to combat radical Islam is to laugh at them and suggested that the two comedians be sent over to split their sides. However, Schumer… Read more »

April 21, 2016 Craic & Codology

In revelations that have surprised commentators on both sides of the Irish Sea, it has emerged that Queen Elizabeth II has replied to thousands of letters from Irish children asking her to take back the 26 counties. Confirming the news, a spokesman for Buckingham Palace says, “Her Majesty receives hundreds of such letters every day… Read more »

April 21, 2016 Craic & Codology

1st April 2016 Dear Brendan, The Queen has asked me to thank you for your recent letter in which you wished to tell Her Majesty that you have been studying the rules of the Irish Labour Party and would like The Queen to arrange a coronation for you as leader. While it was thoughtful of… Read more »

April 21, 2016 Craic & Codology

1. Head in clouds 2. Nose the game is up 3. Cheek (plenty of) 4. Brass neck 5. Ears open to overtures from Fine Gael 6. Watching back for leadership challenges 7. Keeping an eye on Brendan Howlin, Alan Kelly etc 8. Two fingers to media critics

April 21, 2016 Craic & Codology

In common with all other publications, we may have given the impression that Katie Taylor was an unbeatable athlete whose like had not previously been seen on Earth. Headlines such as “Champ Katie Smashes Opposition”, “Heroic Taylor Continues Winning Streak” and “Katie Taylor Is Unbeatable” may have reinforced this view. However, following Ms Taylor’s historic… Read more »

April 21, 2016 Craic & Codology

Acting Taoiseach Endless Kenny has denied being in denial over the result of the recent general election. “We won,” he announced emphatically. “A woman I met in Castlebar the other day with a ballot box under one arm and Michael Ring in a headlock under the other arm, told me I should keep having general… Read more »