July 15, 2016 Craic & Codology

MODEST: Football ace Ronaldo said afterwards that his sideline encouragement was crucial to the win Ireland’s Labour Party has hailed Portugal’s Euro 2016 win and wants members to “take heart and encouragement” from the Iberian nation’s triumph. In an emotive post-match reflection, a party spokesman said the Portuguese had “showed that perennial failures can eventually… Read more »

July 15, 2016 Craic & Codology

CV Name: Tony Bliar Address: A big mansion somewhere Age: 63 Work experience: 1997 – 2007: UK Prime Minister 2007 – present: After-dinner speaker Strengths: u Can destroy defences from miles away u Can lead non-believing players into battle u Self-confident u Good form away from home. u Performs well for media u Promise to… Read more »

July 15, 2016 Craic & Codology

Goldhawk’s newest Agony Aunt answers your questions: AT THIS time of year, readers often write me and ask: ‘ Aunty Mick, what can we do to keep our kids occupied during the long summer holidays?’ I’ve always believed children will find creative ways to entertain themselves once given some minor resources. Experience taught me that… Read more »

July 15, 2016 Craic & Codology

‘FEELING FINE’: Blueshirt spokespersons say the mood in Cabinet is extremely positive By Pól Corr FINE Gael representatives have strongly dismissed claims that the party is ‘in disarray’ and heading for a major crisis. “Nothing could be further from the truth”, assured a party spokesman in a trembling voice yesterday. “Micheál Martin knows exactly what… Read more »

July 15, 2016 Craic & Codology

FEROCIOUS: Fermanagh full-back Ni Fostaír goes up for a high ball TEMPERS have flared among county panels over plans for the make-up of a new All-Ireland Forum tournament (This can’t be right! __Ed). The planned championship has been nixed due to disagreement between key figures from Ulster and the rest of the country. Speaking at… Read more »

July 15, 2016 Craic & Codology

Court Clerk: All rise! Defendant, Judge Skint: I wish my pension would! Judge Rich (for it is he): Why is this man before the court? Solicitor for Defence: He wants a job, Judge. His circumstances are very, very bad. Judge Skint: I used to be on the bench, you know, and it’s my wish that… Read more »

July 15, 2016 Craic & Codology

MONSTERS: Several Dubliners we spoke to compared the “evil” Luas drivers to the Nazis, ISIS and Pat Kenny! There was widespread delight in Dublin at the news that Luas drivers didn’t win the €23.8 million Lotto Jackpot last week. “It’s one thing to give it to Dublin Bus drivers,” said one concerned Joe Duffy listener…. Read more »

July 15, 2016 Craic & Codology

By S.A. Christie THE Chief Executive of the St Don of God charity has said that the secret top-up payments made to 14 senior managers were a mystery – “a gift of God if you like”. Brother Ignatious Payola explained the €1.64m payments by saying that “the Lord moves in mysterious ways” and that the… Read more »

July 15, 2016 Craic & Codology

Pay day doldrums? Bills mounting up? Need a higher income? Why not chance your luck with a career in Dublin Bus? Some of our drivers now take home an astonishing €1m plus on top of a basic wage, overtime and bonuses!! Simply tick the right boxes and our bus numbers can be your lucky numbers!… Read more »

July 15, 2016 Craic & Codology

PURE EVIL: Army bosses say the cows were out for blood and intent on doing serious harm to the soldiers. The Defence Forces have seen an increase in reports of troops suffering from post-traumatic stress over the last week after they assisted in a bankruptcy seizure.  ‘None of us signed up for this,’ said one… Read more »

July 15, 2016 Craic & Codology

By Dee Faulter TAX-DODGING Barcelona footballer Lionel Messi said he was “honoured and humbled to be mentioned in the same breath as stars of the game like Mick Wallace and the gifted Ray Burke,” after his conviction last week. Speaking on the steps of the Barcelona court that found him guilty of avoiding a €3.4m… Read more »

July 15, 2016 Craic & Codology

By Fin Sharkey RTE correspondent Theresa Mannion says she warned Joe O’Toole not to take up the position as Chairman of the Expert Commission on Water Charges. O’Toole, a former President of the Irish Congress of Trade Unions (ICTU), recently resigned his position following criticism of comments he made in relation to the funding of… Read more »

July 15, 2016 Craic & Codology

The Passport Office recently experienced an increase in applications for Irish passports, many from outside this jurisdiction. Today we can exclusively reveal the names of some of these applicants: I. Paisley (Junior) Abu Isis and extended family. C Kinahan a.k.a. Joe Bloggs a.k.a. Christy K (All 4 applications refused) G Hutch (via Passport Express) R… Read more »

July 15, 2016 Craic & Codology

By D.J. Vue Taoiseach Enda Kenny has defended the re-appointment of James Reilly as Fine Gael deputy leader “on the basis of his unique political experience.” Speaking to reporters at the opening of another gaffe (Surely day centre or even a pub?_Ed) yesterday, the Mayo leader explained that Dr Reilly was “well used to failure”… Read more »

July 15, 2016 Craic & Codology

INDEPENDENT TD Mick Wallace has come under criticism from other members of the Dail after it was revealed that he paid his son Fionn €14,520 for ‘research’. Several TDs have taken issue with the fact that Wallace did not adhere to the traditional style of brown envelope favoured by most members of the house. “It’s… Read more »

July 15, 2016 Craic & Codology

MINISTER Katherine ‘Zapper’ Zappone’s decision to vote against Mick Wallace’s fatal foetal  abnormalities bill in the Dail has angered abortion rights campaigners who view it as a betrayal of one of her election promises. However, Zapper has defended her decision noting that it was made after consultation with medical experts and the infallible Attorney General…. Read more »

July 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

To ensure no more Christy Ring final fiascos OR Laois substitute sagas, the GAA will trial a new counting system. The ABACUS: ♦ Can count up to 10 points per rod ♦ Is multi-coloured to avoid confusion when both teams refuse to change clashing jerseys ♦ CCCC, DRA and High Court compliant ♦ Extra rod… Read more »

July 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

GUTTED: These Irish fans were off somewhere being sound and completely missed the match against France Neighbourly love was in short supply in Lyon yesterday as Ireland were sent crashing out of Euro 2016 by, of all sides, their closest European neighbours! The last 16 clash with France became a battling encounter with a distinct… Read more »

July 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

Britain’s Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has stunned supporters and critics alike by calling on his country to “remain” a week after the EU referendum. Mr Corbyn, long seen as a Eurosceptic, was heavily criticised by the party for his tepid support for the Remain campaign. However, the bearded leader seems now to have become fully… Read more »

July 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

Pressure was growing on the FAI yesterday to allow Roy Keane to continue his daily press conferences. The former Man Utd midfielder proved an insightful and inspiring presence throughout Euro 2016 and many Irish people say they now “need his wisdom” on a daily basis to help them cope with life’s challenges. “I never tried… Read more »

July 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

Scottish First Minister Nicola Sturgeon has urged Brexit refugees planning to flee to Scotland not to travel. The grim warning comes amidst fears that distressed Remainians may cross the border in a desperate hope that Scotland will acquire independence and stay within the European Union. However the SNP leader says Scotland would struggle to cope… Read more »

July 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

UKIP Pleader Nigel Farage says he hopes Britain’s ‘special relationship’ with Ireland will not be compromised by the Brexit vote and believed Irish people will remain welcome in the UK, despite “being foreigners” in years to come. “There should be no problem,” says the beer-swilling patriot. “Most Paddies are even paler skinned than ourselves and… Read more »

July 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

Day 1: The Vice-President will: Be met several times by a bunch of kids dressed in Scottish kilts and who will welcome him as if he is Donald Trump. Congratulate Enda (sic) Kenny on being re-elected Irish Taoiseach (pronounced ‘tea shock’ and nothing to do with Taoism mumbo-jumbo). Also pat Kenny on the head regarding… Read more »

July 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

BRITMAGEDDON: The view looking east from Rosslare yesterday evening Giant, two-headed rats and vicious, sabre toothed sparrows – many chirping in Polish – have reportedly been sighted across Britain as the first signs of apocalyptic consequences of Britain exiting the European Union begin to emerge. From Sunderland to Slough and from Derby to Dover, families… Read more »

July 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

NRA national chairman, A. Koward The National Rifle Association has issued a strongly worded statement in the aftermath of the Orlando nightclub massacre. “This is yet another unprovoked, unjustifiable attack against a marginalised and increasingly victimised group,” the statement read. “However, we will persevere and carry on as best we can, even in these difficult… Read more »

July 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

There were growing demands last night for Irish rocker, saint and political activist Bob Geldof to step down from his role as Bob Geldof. The calls came from triumphant Leave campaigners against whom the Irishman fought in the EU referendum. Many insisted that the Irishman should now “shut his mouth forever and get a haircut”…. Read more »

July 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

“To my mind and drawing from my personal experiences, there are very few psychopathic gays playing rugby who have drink problems and take heroin while practising cannibalism. At least not simultaneously. I reckon only about 4% of them want to get going in serious sport. Of course, I’ll get flack for calling it as it… Read more »

July 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

Jubilant UKIP leader Nigel Farage says England must immediately commence its “cultural disengagement” from Europe and “reassert our great nation’s core values and heritage”. The pub-loving politician says he looks forward to a future of: Darts on schools’ curricula Cricket on every green The trains running late “P**s-warm beer” No more blokes with beards selling… Read more »

July 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

I never really expected to be swept off my feet by my visit to the ‘Flying Taxi’ eatery on Dublin’s Westmoreland Street, but I have to say I didn’t expect to be left with such a bad taste in my mouth either! After a precursory glance around to take in my surroundings, I quickly opted… Read more »

July 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

BANNED: Russia’s female track and field team captain NEWS of Team Russia’s track and field ban at the Rio Olympics 2016 has been met with dismay by members of the Spartak Gladiators ‘fan group’. The group, known for their energetic street support for Russian football and their use of baseball bats at fan “demonstrations”, had… Read more »

July 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

In his latest guarantee on waste management, Environment Minister Simon ‘Simple’ Coveney has assured householders that there will be “no increase” in the jargon being dumped on people in regard to waste collection discussions “for at least a year.” Phrases such as ‘pay-by-weight’, ‘polluter pays’, ‘below-cost selling’ and even ‘delivering change’ have piled pressure on… Read more »