October 5, 2016 Craic & Codology

KNOCKED UP: Crafty Mayo fans have revealed that — not unlike ‘the Curse’ — they made up the apparition at Knock and got an airport out of it. Gift. BEAMING Mayo fans have lauded ‘the Curse’ for giving them a great excuse for losing yet another All-Ireland final. After two weeks of journalists suspending all… Read more »

October 5, 2016 Craic & Codology

TORTURE: Williams’ listener reacts to his latest outburst NEWSTALK RANTER Paul Williams says people who read the Irish Times ‘How to be a man’ series are scum. The series of articles are the latest topic to come into the Breakfast show host’s crosshairs. “The readers and the people who write this guff are a serious… Read more »

October 5, 2016 Craic & Codology

HANKS A BUNCH: Lawyers have continued their search for desert island castaways to serve on the jury THE Irish Court Services have reassured human rights organisations that “no brainwashing or memory wiping techniques” were used to appoint 15 jurors for the upcoming trial of former Anglo Irish Chairman Seán ‘Fitzy’ Fitzpatrick. The move follows worldwide… Read more »

October 5, 2016 Craic & Codology

ENGAGEMENT: Fine Gael are sending a crack team of delegates to engage with the striking protesters The various groups involved in the water protests in recent months have announced that they intend taking strike action next week, according to one of the organisers, Leo Trott. “Ever since the water charges were postponed as a result… Read more »

October 5, 2016 Craic & Codology

BALLSY: The ballroom will play host to a joint meeting between the two unions to foster, er, cooperation between gardai and nurses Gardai and nurses will revist old and happier times when they meet to discuss industrial action next week. The meeting will take place in the Ierne Ballroom, scene of many a romantic get… Read more »

October 5, 2016 Craic & Codology

HALF-BAKED: Loyalist gunmen calling for Berry’s reinstatement couldn’t quite figure out where the camera was THERE were demands by Loyalist paramilitaries yesterday that TV cookery legend Mary Berry should be immediately returned to BBC N. Ireland. Speaking at a secret location in East Belfast, a UFO spokesman told reporters: “Mary is a national treasure who… Read more »

October 5, 2016 Craic & Codology

TRUSTED SOURCES: Just some of the reliable characters that BBC Spotlight interviewed for their exposé THIS YEAR’S annual ‘Gerry Adams murdered someone’ media bonanza has fizzled out. The Sinn Féin leader laughed off the latest ‘exclusive sensations’ that he was involved in the murder of informer Denis Donaldson. “I was worried that they had me… Read more »

October 5, 2016 Craic & Codology

FOSTERING DEBATE: The Taoiseach suddenly remembering why he doesn’t invite Arlene to more events by Our Political Staff Martin Wail  TAOISEACH Enda Kenny has outlined his latest plans for an “all island conversation” to address the implications of the recent Brexit vote. “The new forum will be open to all interested parties who will be… Read more »

October 5, 2016 Craic & Codology

SAM ALLARDYCE says that his biggest regret will be not being able to bomb out at a major tournament as England manager. “As a young man I looked up to the likes of Graham Taylor and Steve McClaren,” said Allardyce. “Later I was inspired by Fabio Capello and Roy Hodgson. “Now I’ll never get the… Read more »

October 5, 2016 Craic & Codology

RELAXED POLICING: The Garda spa retreat in Templemore where all crime figures are massaged before release to the public by Our Crime Reporter Nick Nobody The GARDA Commissioner, Noírín O’Sullivan has welcomed the latest crime statistics as evidence of an astonishing breakthrough in the continuing war against law-breaking throughout Ireland. “Over the past year, we have… Read more »

September 21, 2016 Craic & Codology

EXPERTS: The investigative team will include such brilliant minds as your man. You know your man. Your man that does be on the news sometimes. THE Government has promised a full-scale inquiry, “with bearded economists and everything”, into NAMA’s handling of its Northern Ireland loan portfolio. Following the publication of the Comptroller and Auditor General’s… Read more »

September 21, 2016 Craic & Codology

EWE’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING: Michelle Mulherin has expressed deep upset that these painted sheep got tickets for the replay ahead of her MAYO FANS have vowed to leave “no sheep unpainted” in a show of support ahead of the All-Ireland final replay. Many supporters felt they left their “A game’”behind them in the build-up… Read more »

September 21, 2016 Craic & Codology

By Ian De Post BELEAGUERED OCI official Pat Hickey has joined criticism of the GAA’s practice of supplying All-Ireland tickets to TDs, labelling it “beyond belief” and “like something out of the 1960s”. Speaking outside a police station in Brazil, the veteran sports administrator said sending out tickets directly in envelopes not only risked them… Read more »

September 21, 2016 Craic & Codology

CAR CRASH POLITICS: Pile-up caused when politician was distracted by ‘Mojo A FINE Gael politician has called for a recently released mobile game, Pokomojo, to be banned amid fears that “sooner or later some eejit is going to lead a lot of people over a cliff trying to get hold of it”. Kerry TD Brendan… Read more »

September 21, 2016 Craic & Codology

Unions engaging in strike action at Dublin Bus say commuters who have missed the last few strike actions should “stay calm and wait for the next one”. The current work pattern has left commuters deeply frustrated however. “You wait all your life for a strike and then 24 of them come along at once!” complained… Read more »

September 21, 2016 Craic & Codology

Riding on the Pigs Back – Farmer Mulherin Milking it – Farmer Halligan Running out the Gate – Farmer Donnelly Making Hay While Sun Shines – Farmer Apple Digging a Deeper Hole – Farmer Noonan Reaping What He Sowed – Farmer Hickey (Subject to inquiry) Prize Turnips – Nama Co-op Making Horse’s Collar – Dublin… Read more »

September 21, 2016 Craic & Codology

THIS first novel by James Joyce traces the political and intellectual awakening of young “Stephen Donnelly”– an allusion to Daedalus, the consummate “crafty man” of Greek mythology (Surely “craftsman”? – Ed) Joyce paints Stephen as an ambitious and ruthlessly self-seeking politician who questions and rebels against Irish political party conventions under which he has grown, culminating in his… Read more »

September 21, 2016 Craic & Codology

BIGGEST FAN: Gangland boss John G–illigan is said to be an avid listener of Williams’s show (Surely “only listener” – Ed) NEWSTALK HOST Paul Williams has branded all the people who don’t listen to his show as “scum”. The crime writer has taken over the microphone from Ivan Yates for Newstalk’s breakfast show but listeners… Read more »

September 21, 2016 Craic & Codology

Compiled by Dick Shunery An occasional service to Phoenix readers explaining the meaning of certain words that have suddenly become newsworthy This week: “Cook” 1. To subject or be subjected to intense heat: the government cooked under pressure. 2. to generate a controversy; to cook up a storm. 3. To spoil something. See also cooker:… Read more »

September 21, 2016 Craic & Codology

Fine Gael deputy leader James Reilly is selling off his vintage car collection. Here’s a look at what’s on offer: Hogan Road- Hugger GT Sod One of the Big Beasts of the road, this wide-bodied hot rod convertible has been garaged for most of its life. However, it has been recently sighted around some of Europe’s… Read more »

September 21, 2016 Craic & Codology

Fits even more easily down the back of the sofa without you knowing. Works under water up to 500m for 40 minutes or until you drown. Reinforced screen means great new range of games such as hockey, hurling and road bowling can be enjoyed without breakage. Empties your wallet. Smoother edges mean easier and faster… Read more »

September 21, 2016 Craic & Codology

TOLERANCE: Celtic fans reach across the sectarian divide with a message of hope and unity CELTIC BOSS Brendan Rodgers has said Barcelona “got off lightly” because they are not Protestants. The Bhoys manager saw his side trash Rangers 5-1 in the Scottish Premiership before going slightly easier against the mainly Catholic Catalan side in the… Read more »

September 21, 2016 Craic & Codology

STICKY: The couple have been labelled sticky by fans because they can’t stop bleedin’ sticking to each other at matches JOE McGlue, Chief Security Officer at the FAI, has denied that fans were searched entering a recent game, as part of Operation Loctite, to establish if they were carrying banners protesting at John Delaney’s continued… Read more »

September 21, 2016 Craic & Codology

What went wrong not quite right: It rained heavily on the Thursday Enda gave interviews They let their dogs chase us down the street Half the culchies couldn’t understawned where we were coming from Michael Noonan They mistook us for the Labour Party Lunch was just exhausting Recommendations: Never let them see you crossing your… Read more »

September 7, 2016 Craic & Codology

ROTTEN TO THE CORP: Finance minister Baldy Noonan pictured here doing his impression of Thing from the Fantastic Four MICK Noonan of the “Govt of Ireland” syndicate – which won 13 billion euros in the Apple “Orchard Thieves” competition – has decided to refuse the prize. Entrants were asked to answer just one question –… Read more »

September 7, 2016 Craic & Codology

COOKIN’ THE BOOKS: Apple CEO Tim Cook said that he’d even stump for a few packets of bacon fries next time he’s in Dublin “Sound, lads, I’ll get you a pint next time I’m in Dublin” – That’s the message from Apple CEO Tim Cook to the Irish Government after the Cabinet decided to appeal… Read more »

September 7, 2016 Craic & Codology

PAT HICKEY: No tickies BELEAGUERED OCI official Pat Hickey insists he “has no tickets for sale” for his highly-anticipated trial in Rio. The septuagenarian has also asked the public “to stop ringing me up asking me”. Sources in Rio say there is already “spectacular interest” in the predicted trial and that tickets, if available, would… Read more »

September 7, 2016 Craic & Codology

Lucanbleak to Ballintears Mountjoyless to Kincooledown Anywhere between Blackrock and a Hard Place Swordsdrawn to Malahideme Ballymoregrief to Ringsendinthearmy!

September 7, 2016 Craic & Codology

BALLS-UP: Weiner has described the woman’s claims as nuts A 26-YEAR-OLD US woman yesterday sensationally claimed she had not yet received any explicit messages from former Congressman Anthony Weiner. She told New York reporters: “Yes, it’s absolutely true. Anthony has not sent me any images of himself in his underpants.” But in an immediate response… Read more »