November 3, 2016 Craic & Codology

TOFF LUCK: Belvo boy and Fianna Fáil TD Jack Chambers avoiding eye contact with northsiders WHAT IS it about our elite colleges that gives such a distinct advantage in Irish life? Whether it’s high-flying businessmen (Michael O’Leary), politicians (Simon Coveney) or wooden statues (Ryan Tubridy), what is it about their really, quite unbelievably expensive and… Read more »

November 3, 2016 Craic & Codology

GOD HAS issued a statement wishing Katie Taylor all the best as she embarks on a career in professional boxing. The Bray fighter had previously credited the Big Man for all her wins and blamed Him for recent losses but there is no bad blood, according to G. “It was fantastic PR at the start… Read more »

November 3, 2016 Craic & Codology

LOOKING PENCE-IVE: VP hopeful Mike Pence who emerged from the crashed campaign physically unscathed but politically dead in the water REPUBLICAN vice-presidential candidate Mike Pence has emerged unscathed after Donald Trump’s campaign crashed into the grass beside New York’s La Guardia airport. The campaign bandwagon, which had 30 people – the remaining number of Trump… Read more »

November 3, 2016 Craic & Codology

FIGHTIN’ WORDS: McGregor dressed up for Halloween as a trade union activist from the 1980s CONOR MCGREGOR has refused to rule out talking a load of bullshit in the build-up to his fight against Eddie Alvarez in New York on November 12. The Dublin mixed martial artist, who was beaten by Nate Diaz last March… Read more »

October 20, 2016 Craic & Codology

By Our Crime Correspondent, I.M.D Law NEWSROOMS across the nation were in panic mode last night as editors struggled to make contingency plans in advance of Ireland’s unprecedented garda strike. “I’m at my wit’s end!” claimed one veteran news boss. “We have always been able to rely on the work of the gardaí to fill… Read more »

October 20, 2016 Craic & Codology

ANONYMINISTER: No seriously, who is this man? THE Government’s plans to introduce a sugar tax have come under fire from the lunatic fringe (surely “from concerned corporates”? – Ed). “Sugar is a basic human right,” said a man in a pinstripe suit, winding down the window of his top-of-the-range merc. “The plan to install sugar… Read more »

October 20, 2016 Craic & Codology

THE NEW lobby group promoting greater representation of women in Irish theatre has been allocated €20,000 in Arts Council funding. “This is a major breakthrough in gender equality,” said an ecstatic Kate Tool, spokesperson for Waking the Feminists. “It will allow our young playwrights to update old-fashioned Irish dramas and make them much more exciting… Read more »

October 20, 2016 Craic & Codology

GOING FOR THE JUGGLER: Prominent clown Mary Mitchell O’Connor AS REPORTS of menacing clowns continue, fears have been expressed that the trend is set to hit Ireland over the coming months. “There have already been numerous clown sightings in and around Dublin’s Kildare Street this week,” said a concerned garda spokesman last night, “and we… Read more »

October 20, 2016 Craic & Codology

OUTRAGED: Under-appreciated writer (Surely “parasite” – Ed), Tom Boreen-Mann THIS YEAR’s Noble prize for Sour Grapes has been awarded to a gaggle of little-known Irish poets and critics who shared the award for their negative reaction to the Nobel Prize for Literature being awarded to a self-confessed “song and dance man.” Irish poets and writers… Read more »

October 20, 2016 Craic & Codology

SMALL HANDS ON DECK: The crowd at a Trump rally for female republicans LAURIE-LEE DULL, a retired waitress from the remote town of Deep Throat, Arizona, has sent shock waves across the American political scene after admitting that she was never touched inappropriately by the billionaire Donald Trump. The 63-year-old mother of eight suddenly burst… Read more »

October 20, 2016 Craic & Codology

PUTIN THE WORLD TO RIGHTS: Vladimir pictured shortly after leaving his Samsung charging on his jet IN A FURTHER dire warning to anti-Assad rebels, Russian butch… er, President, Vladimir Putin has threatened to drop Samsung Galaxy Note 7 phones on the Syrian city of Aleppo in his determination to oust government opponents from the stronghold…. Read more »

October 20, 2016 Craic & Codology

HOT AIR: Williams’s producer reacts to his latest outburst “I have sources on the inside,” explained Williams. “They are all on drugs but get TUEs off their doctor friends, who also happen to be their fathers. Then they get their lawyers, who are their uncles, to cover it all up, it’s a cartel and all… Read more »

October 20, 2016 Craic & Codology

This week, Goldhawk’s newest columnist flies into a rage about Budget 2016. Is it any wonder the country is up in arms after being totally f**king shafted yet again, thanks to another bloody budget giveaway by freedom-hating government f**kers fully prepared to dole out f**king cash completely gratis to old people who have absolutely no… Read more »

October 20, 2016 Craic & Codology

GONG TO THE DOGS: Protesters gather at Montrose to tell RTÉ what they think of O’Connor’s Cutting Edge By Pat Rabbitears – TV Critic RTÉ viewers have questioned the authenticity of the Irish Film and Television Academy (IFTA) awards after broadcaster Brendan O’Connor’s Cutting Edge picked up the Best Entertainment gong at the 2016 ceremony…. Read more »

October 5, 2016 Craic & Codology

KNOCKED UP: Crafty Mayo fans have revealed that — not unlike ‘the Curse’ — they made up the apparition at Knock and got an airport out of it. Gift. BEAMING Mayo fans have lauded ‘the Curse’ for giving them a great excuse for losing yet another All-Ireland final. After two weeks of journalists suspending all… Read more »

October 5, 2016 Craic & Codology

TORTURE: Williams’ listener reacts to his latest outburst NEWSTALK RANTER Paul Williams says people who read the Irish Times ‘How to be a man’ series are scum. The series of articles are the latest topic to come into the Breakfast show host’s crosshairs. “The readers and the people who write this guff are a serious… Read more »

October 5, 2016 Craic & Codology

HANKS A BUNCH: Lawyers have continued their search for desert island castaways to serve on the jury THE Irish Court Services have reassured human rights organisations that “no brainwashing or memory wiping techniques” were used to appoint 15 jurors for the upcoming trial of former Anglo Irish Chairman Seán ‘Fitzy’ Fitzpatrick. The move follows worldwide… Read more »

October 5, 2016 Craic & Codology

ENGAGEMENT: Fine Gael are sending a crack team of delegates to engage with the striking protesters The various groups involved in the water protests in recent months have announced that they intend taking strike action next week, according to one of the organisers, Leo Trott. “Ever since the water charges were postponed as a result… Read more »

October 5, 2016 Craic & Codology

BALLSY: The ballroom will play host to a joint meeting between the two unions to foster, er, cooperation between gardai and nurses Gardai and nurses will revist old and happier times when they meet to discuss industrial action next week. The meeting will take place in the Ierne Ballroom, scene of many a romantic get… Read more »

October 5, 2016 Craic & Codology

HALF-BAKED: Loyalist gunmen calling for Berry’s reinstatement couldn’t quite figure out where the camera was THERE were demands by Loyalist paramilitaries yesterday that TV cookery legend Mary Berry should be immediately returned to BBC N. Ireland. Speaking at a secret location in East Belfast, a UFO spokesman told reporters: “Mary is a national treasure who… Read more »

October 5, 2016 Craic & Codology

TRUSTED SOURCES: Just some of the reliable characters that BBC Spotlight interviewed for their exposé THIS YEAR’S annual ‘Gerry Adams murdered someone’ media bonanza has fizzled out. The Sinn Féin leader laughed off the latest ‘exclusive sensations’ that he was involved in the murder of informer Denis Donaldson. “I was worried that they had me… Read more »

October 5, 2016 Craic & Codology

FOSTERING DEBATE: The Taoiseach suddenly remembering why he doesn’t invite Arlene to more events by Our Political Staff Martin Wail  TAOISEACH Enda Kenny has outlined his latest plans for an “all island conversation” to address the implications of the recent Brexit vote. “The new forum will be open to all interested parties who will be… Read more »

October 5, 2016 Craic & Codology

SAM ALLARDYCE says that his biggest regret will be not being able to bomb out at a major tournament as England manager. “As a young man I looked up to the likes of Graham Taylor and Steve McClaren,” said Allardyce. “Later I was inspired by Fabio Capello and Roy Hodgson. “Now I’ll never get the… Read more »

October 5, 2016 Craic & Codology

RELAXED POLICING: The Garda spa retreat in Templemore where all crime figures are massaged before release to the public by Our Crime Reporter Nick Nobody The GARDA Commissioner, Noírín O’Sullivan has welcomed the latest crime statistics as evidence of an astonishing breakthrough in the continuing war against law-breaking throughout Ireland. “Over the past year, we have… Read more »

September 21, 2016 Craic & Codology

EXPERTS: The investigative team will include such brilliant minds as your man. You know your man. Your man that does be on the news sometimes. THE Government has promised a full-scale inquiry, “with bearded economists and everything”, into NAMA’s handling of its Northern Ireland loan portfolio. Following the publication of the Comptroller and Auditor General’s… Read more »

September 21, 2016 Craic & Codology

EWE’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING: Michelle Mulherin has expressed deep upset that these painted sheep got tickets for the replay ahead of her MAYO FANS have vowed to leave “no sheep unpainted” in a show of support ahead of the All-Ireland final replay. Many supporters felt they left their “A game’”behind them in the build-up… Read more »