February 23, 2017 Craic & Codology

GODLESS: Porter and Martin were labelled ‘infidels’ by the Islamic State, which also penned a number of sternly worded complaints to RTÉ THE Islamic State has confirmed it will be using the Valentine’s episode of the Late Late Show to entice new recruits. The group claimed that the show encapsulated everything wrong with western society… Read more »

February 23, 2017 Craic & Codology

SIMPLER TIMES: The poll showed the public yearned for the days when politicians looked as dodgy as they actually were IN A major boost for Fianna Fáil, the vast majority of Irish people “do not fully understand recent government scandals” and yearn for the “more straightforward crookedness and malpractice of the Soldiers of Destiny”, according… Read more »

February 23, 2017 Craic & Codology

By Terri Bell-Stuff RTÉ’s comedy entertainment department says the station is determined to “scour every inch of the canteen” in its efforts to unearth new comedy talent to replace the booted Republic of Telly series. “We remain as committed as ever to producing top quality, insightful comedy that carries a punch and leaves the viewer… Read more »

February 23, 2017 Craic & Codology

By A Hearse FUNERAL directors across the nation are appealing to RTÉ to reverse its decision to axe Republic of Telly. One veteran gravedigger in Waterford called for the show to be re-instated. “It showed people there are things worse than death”, he sighed. “But at least we still have Pat Shortt.” “Bereavements are always… Read more »

February 23, 2017 Craic & Codology

12pm: Media studies – how many stories about Rag Week in the paper today? 2pm: Business – calculate costs of repairs to lecture theatre 4pm: Legal studies – getting our stories straight for the guards 12am-3am: Science – practical experiment to see how much drink you can take on board during Rag Week 4am: PE… Read more »

February 23, 2017 Craic & Codology

1. Room where Rolling Stones groupies used to stay 2. Inconsolable Irish Times hacks 3. Someone else who isn’t going to buy the place 4. Handwringing politicians 5. Room full of For Sale signs 6. Members of public bored stiff by whole thing 7. Denis O’Brien’s eyes on the gaff 8. Bedroom where Wacko Jacko… Read more »

February 23, 2017 Craic & Codology

Favourite song: Back in the USSR Favourite film: From Russia with love Favourite animal: Trojan Horse Favourite vodka: Smearnoff Favourite job: Drugs Czar Favourite saint: St Peter(sburg)

February 23, 2017 Craic & Codology

IRELAND soccer manager Martin O’Neill has spoken of his shock at former international Anthony Stokes being forced to pay €230,000 in damages after head-butting an Elvis impersonator in Buck Whaley’s nightclub. “I couldn’t believe he actually hit the target,” said the Irish gaffer. “Normally he misses by a mile so this was absolutely incredible.” However,… Read more »

February 23, 2017 Craic & Codology

PEP Guardiola is quietly confident that star striker Jesus will be back from injury around Easter. Reports claimed the Brazilian may miss the rest of the Premier League season with a broken foot but Spanish coach thinks he may have special powers of recovery. “With Jesus, it’s different to a normal player,” said Guardiola. “I… Read more »

February 9, 2017 Craic & Codology

SWEET DEAL: Top politicians might have to spend Paddy’s Day at low class events in kips like Switzerland and Monaco By Dee Lay of Our Airport Staff AS THE fallout from US President Donald Trump’s new immigration policies continue, worried Irish ministers and civil servants say there is a “real possibility” they may miss out… Read more »

February 9, 2017 Craic & Codology

MEXICAN CAVE: The plan to tunnel under the US border is modelled on the work of totally legitimate Mexican businessman Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman, pictured here THE Government of Mexico has offered to take in all of the refugees banned by Donald Trump from entering the US. In the spirit of goodwill, humanity and love… Read more »

February 9, 2017 Craic & Codology

HOLE-Y CRAP: A tourism boss says the hole is visible from space but we’re not sure if she’s talking about Wicklow or Donnelly’s Hollow itself. By J. Unket Our Travel Correspondent Tourism chiefs in Wicklow have encouraged the public to visit the infamous Donnelly’s Hollow in the county. The naturally occurring sinkhole is named after… Read more »

February 9, 2017 Craic & Codology

Note that the following categories will be restricted from entering the United States until further notice: Non American true-blue patriots. Period. Mexican undesirables – even if they’re classy-looking. Totally biased media liars. Nasty. ISIS terrorists. Muslims probably. Bad dudes. All other shifty-looking foreigners. Especially brown types. Goofy losers carrying nuclear weapons in hand luggage. Bono…. Read more »

February 9, 2017 Craic & Codology

To Angela Kerins, my love, I miss the sheerness of your neck, That made you what you are, So sad to see the court decide, You’d stuck it out too far! Love, Shane Ross My Dearest Monk, I chase you here I chase you there, I search the world each day, For I have feelings… Read more »

February 9, 2017 Craic & Codology

AIRY FAIRY: Met Éireann warned of fast approaching hot air from the west following Mary Robinson’s speech By Martin Wall of Our Political Staff US PRESIDENT Donald Trump’s immigration ban has been branded “un-American” by ex-Irish president Mary Robinson. Speaking on RTÉ’s Mourning Ireland, Mrs Robinson criticised the travel ban, saying his policies would not… Read more »

February 9, 2017 Craic & Codology

This is Angela Not long ago Angela was just a normal, everyday worker pushing a pen and earning a modest €240,000 a year plus company car. Then Angela’s little earner came to an end and soon she was out on the street. Angela found herself being pursued by people she had never met and several… Read more »

February 9, 2017 Craic & Codology

Ireland’s most damaging pill(ock)s: Drug Description Side Effects Endacetamol: Sleep-inducing laxative type Delusions of immortality Keanoothyroxine: Highly potent stimulant Terrifying mood swings, facial hair Dannyhealyrazephine: Enhances creativity Black and white vision Shanerossetine: Boosts the ego Paralysis Geldofizone: Restores self-importance Verbal diarrhoea, pain in the arse

February 9, 2017 Craic & Codology

By Anna Din   RESEARCHERS have revealed the shocking reasons why every Irish adult spends over €50,000 per week on pills (Alarmist nonsense _ Ed) to cope with life. According to Dr Ruth A. Round, of the Authority for Analysis, Research, Study and Examining (AARSE), the main causes of pill-popping are: Getting sued by Denis… Read more »

February 9, 2017 Craic & Codology

SPUD DAY’S WORK: Gardai say they’ve seized a large quantity of these powerful handguns that were destined for use by Dublin’s most hardened crims By Our Gangland Staff Paul “Scummer” Williams IN WHAT has been described as the latest development since yesterday’s edition in the feud between Dublin’s most notorious drug gangs, the ruthless Kinahan… Read more »

February 9, 2017 Craic & Codology

An occasional service to Phoenix readers explaining the meaning of certain words that have suddenly become newsworthy. This Week – ‘Shortage of greens’ Current shortage of spinach, lettuce, courgettes, broccoli and aubergines due to the poor weather in Spain which produces half of Europe’s vegetables in winter. Can also refer to: 1) Reduced number of… Read more »

February 9, 2017 Craic & Codology

Hacks, make sure to include the following when writing your Federer pieces. Legend Superstar One of a kind Different to other sports stars in this era Best of all time Humble Tanned Epitomises what sport is all about

February 9, 2017 Craic & Codology

KICKED TO TOUCH: These spiffing chaps were positively gutted that they couldn’t read about their mates on the SCT THE GOVERNMENT is to launch an inquiry after a national newspaper failed to publish a full School’s Rugby supplement last week. All of the papers went big as the season kicked off but the Irish Independent’s… Read more »

February 9, 2017 Craic & Codology

A new column by Dermot Bannon AS AN architect I am often presented with exciting opportunities to exhibit my creative talents. With this in mind I was overjoyed to learn that the Israeli government wanted me to design a brand new rapid build development in east Jerusalem. The design plan I came up with is… Read more »

February 9, 2017 Craic & Codology

  Scotland game was rigged, bigly They are going to pay for that, I promise Ireland can still win the Grand Slam Johnny Sexton is 100% fit It was a toe injury, not a concussion, definitely not concussion, got that?

January 26, 2017 Craic & Codology

I run for the presidency ✔ I win the Republican or Democrat nomination I don’t care which ✔ I win the contest bigly ✔ Everyone hates me ✔ They hate me so much they start to bury their differences ✔ The whole world unites to get rid of me before it’s too late – Watch this space But it is… Read more »

January 26, 2017 Craic & Codology

“I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute political opponents, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend my business interests, reality TV career and Vlad Putin’s geopolitical ambitions.” Topical Words – Compiled by Dick Shunery An occasional service to Phoenix readers explaining the meaning of certain words that have suddenly… Read more »

January 26, 2017 Craic & Codology

COLLISION CORPSE: As is tradition, Ross has denied rumours of a rift with RSA chief Liz O’Donnell despite evidence to the contrary TRANSPORT minister Shane Ross will introduce strict new laws to improve road safety and reduce congestion on major routeways. Speaking outside Leinster House today, the minister said the traffic situation in Dublin was… Read more »

January 26, 2017 Craic & Codology

BEST OF PALS: A distinguished intellectual and Noam Chomsky By Ian Kehoe LATE last year, I uncovered a shocking scandal that formed the basis of my acclaimed recent RTÉ documentary, The Greatness Of Ian Kehoe. In this groundbreaking exposé, I explain the vulture fund crisis that has rocked Irish finance and forced me to make… Read more »

January 26, 2017 Craic & Codology

All former bus lanes to be reassigned as ministerial car lanes. No more left turns. Lifetime ban on drivers who have consumed any alcohol. With the exception of a decent vintage Bordeaux, of course. At peak periods, simply form an orderly queue and occupy yourself usefully by checking your An end to low standards in… Read more »

January 26, 2017 Craic & Codology

SMASHING NEWS: Paisley Jr’s desision marks a slight departure from his father’s more exuberant brand of politics. By Chuck E R Law IN ANOTHER stunning development in Northern Irish politics, DUP MP Ian Paisley Jr has revealed that he “would love to join Sinn Féin if they would have me.” The Unionist politician made the… Read more »

January 26, 2017 Craic & Codology

CUSHTY: This totally legitimate businessman was already having a great year after making a killing on Euros tickets A DUBLIN city centre ticket tout has exclaimed his delight after U2’s Croke Park concert sold out in minutes, bringing memories of the old days flooding back. Moments after going on sale via Ticketmaster, second hand tickets… Read more »

January 26, 2017 Craic & Codology

HOLA! BUENO sera, amigos. Si, it’s your humble Supreme Pontiff greeting each and every one of the millions of pope-pickers worldwide in all-consuming love and deep compassion. All except those abominable minions of Satan whose unspeakable evil must surely stop them from sleeping at night. No names, but your education minister Ricardo Brutal immediately comes… Read more »

January 26, 2017 Craic & Codology

AS WE increasingly set into motion the UK’s strategy for leaving the European Union it is important to stress that Britain is not leaving Europe, just the Union bit of it. And let me categorically state that in disengaging from the commercial, cultural and legal processes operating within the EU, we in the UK are… Read more »

January 26, 2017 Craic & Codology

There will be no hard border between the Republic and the North unless there is Lads who don’t make it into England squads can still declare for Ireland RTÉ to continue to imitate BBC ideas for light entertainment shows Bob Geldof can go home any time he wants Britain will continue to take very seriously… Read more »